Apparently I can't stay away from doing this. Perhaps it's the force of habit. Perhaps it's the fact that this is the closest thing I have to keeping a journal. But once again I'm drawn to typing little characters out onto the screen of my hopelessly outdated computer.
Over the last few years, I've been trying to figure out where it is that I come from. Obviously I came from Indiana and I seem to be quite fine with that (I did get an Indiana themed tattoo, that must mean something). But I wonder how the hell I became what I have become so far. Where did I pick up the lessons and values that I have now? I'll acknowledge that some of my core values, like trying to stay honest, came from my folks and eighteen years of attending church (yes, for an agnostic the fear of god is still strong in this one). But I'm not sure where I picked up the other stuff. Not that I'm good at it but I think we should try to be nice to each other. Or that there are certain basic needs that everyone should probably be afforded. Shelter and health care being among them. And a certain level of dignity (although there are times when I see people who to me just seem not to deserve it). And I don't know exactly where these ideas come from. I presume it's from writers that I've read over the years and there are those that will just say I'm a victim of the So Called Liberal Media but I don't think so. Perhaps it comes from years of trying to stay on the outskirts of mainstream society even though I am just as much a part of it as anyone else.
I'm not sure exactly where I come from and that sort of bothers me. It'd me nice if I had a firmer grasp on it. But then again how important is it really to know where you are from as long as you have an idea of who you are?
Wednesday, February 08, 2006
Monday, February 06, 2006
Winter driving, gifts and a bit of a hiatus
Sometimes winter driving in Colorado is not for the faint of heart. Due to horrible road conditions and other people driving dangerously too slow (15 mph) my drive down to see Phrank took an hour more than usual. I'd have to say it was the worst conditions I've experienced on the drive yet. And of course about thirty miles before Denver, the roads were completely dry. Good thing the Surly Mayfly is such an awesome car, the tires help quite a bit as well. Coming back had it's own moments of treacherous driving as Rabbit Ears Pass was closed and a detour was in place over Gore Pass. After getting home I had to go directly to the car was as the Surly Mayfly was covered in an icy brown film. Joy.
Phrank's birthday is coming up this week. I've already picked up a few things but there was this one thing I wanted to do. Tonight I discovered I was foiled by lack of materials. So now I must implement plan B. I can't go into to much detail as she is probably reading this. My hope is that she likes what I get her but I'm limited in that I haven't known her that long to really get her tastes down. There are some things about her that are a given and she may not know it but she does drop what I take as hints.
I've never considered myself to be very good at getting gifts for people. My family can attest to this. Hell, there was a period of about six years where I didn't get them anything for Christmas. Part of this was that I was always dead broke and wanted nothing to do with the holidays to boot. Generally I'm not to good about taking hints for gifts or otherwise. I am one of those people that needs things spelled out for me, especially when it comes to gift giving. It surprises me that I even get a sense of a hint at times. Imagine that.
Now for a bit of business, kids. As it may already be apparent, I haven't been updating this on a daily basis. This is probably going to continue as I seem to have hit a wall on what to write about. I don't have customers to really bitch about anymore. And I have no reason to complain about my (lack of) love life. So until I can find a new focus, I'm not going to try and force myself to write something every night. Of course I'll still update a few times a week when the mood hits me but I'm done trying to do this daily for the time being. So there it is.
Phrank's birthday is coming up this week. I've already picked up a few things but there was this one thing I wanted to do. Tonight I discovered I was foiled by lack of materials. So now I must implement plan B. I can't go into to much detail as she is probably reading this. My hope is that she likes what I get her but I'm limited in that I haven't known her that long to really get her tastes down. There are some things about her that are a given and she may not know it but she does drop what I take as hints.
I've never considered myself to be very good at getting gifts for people. My family can attest to this. Hell, there was a period of about six years where I didn't get them anything for Christmas. Part of this was that I was always dead broke and wanted nothing to do with the holidays to boot. Generally I'm not to good about taking hints for gifts or otherwise. I am one of those people that needs things spelled out for me, especially when it comes to gift giving. It surprises me that I even get a sense of a hint at times. Imagine that.
Now for a bit of business, kids. As it may already be apparent, I haven't been updating this on a daily basis. This is probably going to continue as I seem to have hit a wall on what to write about. I don't have customers to really bitch about anymore. And I have no reason to complain about my (lack of) love life. So until I can find a new focus, I'm not going to try and force myself to write something every night. Of course I'll still update a few times a week when the mood hits me but I'm done trying to do this daily for the time being. So there it is.
Thursday, February 02, 2006
Ready for it...
I never thought I'd hear myself say it but I'm beginning to look increasingly forward to summer. Admittedly a large part of it is anticipation about moving away from here, starting anew and living much closer to Phrank. And it's only February. Of course I still enjoy the winter but for once I'm just ready to move past it.
Not only that but I wonder what kind of customers I'm going to have to deal with in the next place. Over the past two weeks our network at work crashed and we haven't been able to access many of our customers files. This can be rather annoying when dealing a customer who believes they need something we are supposed to have, right now. Let this be a lesson to everyone, if any company creates a digital file for you, make sure you keep a copy of it for yourself. For me I store files not only on my own hardrive but online as well. Of course none of that is the sensitive stuff (like I have sensitive stuff). I wonder if that's the kind of thing I'll have to deal with in the next job.
As of now, I haven't been able to get a good feel on the people that live where I'm moving to. It's far bigger than anywhere I've lived in the last fifteen years. In towns that size there will be all types. Some change this is going to be. But I have been bitching and moaning for a while now about how I want to live in a city and that's where I'm going.
Bring on the spring.
Not only that but I wonder what kind of customers I'm going to have to deal with in the next place. Over the past two weeks our network at work crashed and we haven't been able to access many of our customers files. This can be rather annoying when dealing a customer who believes they need something we are supposed to have, right now. Let this be a lesson to everyone, if any company creates a digital file for you, make sure you keep a copy of it for yourself. For me I store files not only on my own hardrive but online as well. Of course none of that is the sensitive stuff (like I have sensitive stuff). I wonder if that's the kind of thing I'll have to deal with in the next job.
As of now, I haven't been able to get a good feel on the people that live where I'm moving to. It's far bigger than anywhere I've lived in the last fifteen years. In towns that size there will be all types. Some change this is going to be. But I have been bitching and moaning for a while now about how I want to live in a city and that's where I'm going.
Bring on the spring.
Wednesday, February 01, 2006
Not the early bird...no worms either
So I have a confession. I haven't been getting up on the mountain much at all. The strange thing about this is it doesn't bother me that much. Of course, it'd be nice if I'd go a bit more and if my situation were different, I'd probably be really irritated by this but I'm not. Part of it is that as hard as I try, I'm just not an early riser. It can take a good hour sometimes to rise from the chair I drop into after getting out of bed. The coffee needs time to work it's way through my system for me to function again.
I've never been an good early riser. Even back in high school getting to school was a challenge. And this was before I discovered coffee. When I got to college I intentionally tried to schedule my classes so I would have to awake too early (fat lot of good that did). Futhermore, with the exception of a couple of jobs, I've never had to get to work that early in the morning.
There are folk beliefs out there that say that the time you rise is based upon what time of day you were born. If that's the case then this all makes sense. As far as I know I was born sometime in the afternoon around two o'clock. I do seem to function better after noon.
Although I'd imagine most of us would rather sleep later than we can. Not that many months ago, I wouldn't get out of bed before ten. To this day I'd still do that if I could but I can't.
And on that note, I should go to bed. I'm still thinking about hitting the hill tomorrow.
I've never been an good early riser. Even back in high school getting to school was a challenge. And this was before I discovered coffee. When I got to college I intentionally tried to schedule my classes so I would have to awake too early (fat lot of good that did). Futhermore, with the exception of a couple of jobs, I've never had to get to work that early in the morning.
There are folk beliefs out there that say that the time you rise is based upon what time of day you were born. If that's the case then this all makes sense. As far as I know I was born sometime in the afternoon around two o'clock. I do seem to function better after noon.
Although I'd imagine most of us would rather sleep later than we can. Not that many months ago, I wouldn't get out of bed before ten. To this day I'd still do that if I could but I can't.
And on that note, I should go to bed. I'm still thinking about hitting the hill tomorrow.
Tuesday, January 31, 2006
This is the time I should go to bed.
Today I sat down and talked to my boss about my impending move. Even though it's a long tome off I figured it would be good to give her a heads up. Plus to see if she would be willing to speak for me in an attempted to work for the same company down there. As it stands, I could probably stay with the same company, the store I work in is has the highest sales of any in the company. So that's a plus.
As I said it's still a long way off it doesn't hurt to start putting out feelers. Other than certain customers and types of customers, I generally like my job (although I do hate answering the phone but I've always been like that). I find it fairly rewarding and the pay is good. It seems I've actually learned a few things working there. I'm not sure how those lessons will pay off but I'm sure they will.
So when I'm down there on a weekday in a couple of weeks, I guess I should make my presence and intentions known. It be cool if I could have something lined up months ahead of time.
As I said it's still a long way off it doesn't hurt to start putting out feelers. Other than certain customers and types of customers, I generally like my job (although I do hate answering the phone but I've always been like that). I find it fairly rewarding and the pay is good. It seems I've actually learned a few things working there. I'm not sure how those lessons will pay off but I'm sure they will.
So when I'm down there on a weekday in a couple of weeks, I guess I should make my presence and intentions known. It be cool if I could have something lined up months ahead of time.
Monday, January 30, 2006
A few things...I've been out
I realize I haven't put anything up here in a fairly long time. Oops. It's been a bit busy here in my little world. Plus, I think I've been running out of ideas here lately.
That right there is my new tattoo or to be more precise a cover up of my old one. That alien needed to go as it was pretty washed out anyway. It's pretty new and is just now starting to itch but at least this time it didn't all bleed out in the first twelve hours. Phrank got me started on a good routine to take care of it this weekend. Of course, her metheod is to point to the bathroom and say go wash and mosturize it. Hey, it works.
Of course I'm a pansy and passed out after a few minutes into getting it done. It seems when anything involving needles and that leg in particular, I pass out. I remember early in high school, I was hit in that shin with a skateboard. When they went to stitch me up I wanted to watch and ended up passing out then too. Same with the first tattoo on that leg. But when I got stitches by my eyebrow I didn't pass out. I'm going to have to get one done in a different location and see if it happens again.
That right there is my new tattoo or to be more precise a cover up of my old one. That alien needed to go as it was pretty washed out anyway. It's pretty new and is just now starting to itch but at least this time it didn't all bleed out in the first twelve hours. Phrank got me started on a good routine to take care of it this weekend. Of course, her metheod is to point to the bathroom and say go wash and mosturize it. Hey, it works.
Of course I'm a pansy and passed out after a few minutes into getting it done. It seems when anything involving needles and that leg in particular, I pass out. I remember early in high school, I was hit in that shin with a skateboard. When they went to stitch me up I wanted to watch and ended up passing out then too. Same with the first tattoo on that leg. But when I got stitches by my eyebrow I didn't pass out. I'm going to have to get one done in a different location and see if it happens again.
Wednesday, January 25, 2006
Another bout...
My pale attempt to go to bed early was defeated by an overactive brain. Mine to be precise. I haven't had a bout of insomnia in a long time so it kind of took me by surprise. When it does happen there is nothing I can do about it, generally I get up and sit in front of the computer or in last nights case read some of the book I've been working on. If I lay there, the thoughts just keep running through my head and I can't stop them. While laying there, my mind will consider every possible permutation of the future, past and present it can come up with. What's even worse is that it's aspects that I've never considered at other times. Or things memories from the past that I didn't remember until that night.
For a long time I drank almost every night to keep the insomnia away. At some point, I realized I generally didn't need to do that and stopped. Most nights I sleep fine. But every once in a while it hits again. And invariably, it's a night before I have to wake up very early for me. Actually it's been that way for a long time. I think it could be the anticipation of having to wake up at such an ungodly hour (for me). I've never been a could early riser. To be able to function at work, I need to be up for two hours before I go in. Of course at the gas station, I could roll out of bed, shower and just go. Keep in mind there was an unlimited amount of coffee to drink and a Denver Post to read.
Anytime a night like that happens to me I get a bit concerned it could be just the first of many sleepless nights coming on. Admittedly, it's a rather irrational fear but a real one nonetheless. But there have been weeks to months on end where I've managed to get just a few hours of sleep a night if that. And one night of it always makes me wonder what's next. Having said that, as exhausted as I feel, I imagine that I'll sleep pretty well tonight.
For a long time I drank almost every night to keep the insomnia away. At some point, I realized I generally didn't need to do that and stopped. Most nights I sleep fine. But every once in a while it hits again. And invariably, it's a night before I have to wake up very early for me. Actually it's been that way for a long time. I think it could be the anticipation of having to wake up at such an ungodly hour (for me). I've never been a could early riser. To be able to function at work, I need to be up for two hours before I go in. Of course at the gas station, I could roll out of bed, shower and just go. Keep in mind there was an unlimited amount of coffee to drink and a Denver Post to read.
Anytime a night like that happens to me I get a bit concerned it could be just the first of many sleepless nights coming on. Admittedly, it's a rather irrational fear but a real one nonetheless. But there have been weeks to months on end where I've managed to get just a few hours of sleep a night if that. And one night of it always makes me wonder what's next. Having said that, as exhausted as I feel, I imagine that I'll sleep pretty well tonight.
Tuesday, January 24, 2006
Thinking about leaving and it's too damn cold here anyway
So I'm beginning to prepare for the upcoming move. As I'm still not sure exactly when I'm going to actually move, it's still a matter of putting feelers out there and see what is available concerning living arrangements and employment. It seems that rents down there are far cheaper than here. I've yet to see a one bedroom apartment going for much more than what I'm paying for my room here. Employment seems to be all over the map. In that world, I'm not exactly sure what I'm qualified for and I'll just have to pound the pavement when I get there.
Historically, I've never really had that hard of a time finding work that provided me with enough money to survive on. It'd be nice to find something that pays a little more than that. That's the one thing about leaving here, after ten years in this town I've found something that I'm actually able to have a bit left over after the bills are paid. But that's ok, I've wanted to leave here for a long time and now I know where I want to go.
If I knew the definition of irony, I'd say my destination is a bit ironic as at one point I sort of swore I'd never step foot in that town and now I'm planning on moving there. Never say never, I guess. Of course, the more time I spend there, I realize that my first impression eight or how may ever years ago was totally biased and I wasn't even ready to think about leaving Steamboat then. Now I can't wait to get out.
That's not to say I won't miss this place and the people I call my friends. Those that I consider my friends I will sorely miss. And I'll miss the view. This place is always going to be here and some of those people will always be here as well. As long as I'm still close, I can always come back up.
The more I think about leaving here, the more excited I get. I'll be closer to Phrank, there are places that never close and I'll be much closer to Denver so I can go see more shows and other stuff. And for the first time in a long time, I'll be where barely anyone knows me. That's kind of neat in a way.
Historically, I've never really had that hard of a time finding work that provided me with enough money to survive on. It'd be nice to find something that pays a little more than that. That's the one thing about leaving here, after ten years in this town I've found something that I'm actually able to have a bit left over after the bills are paid. But that's ok, I've wanted to leave here for a long time and now I know where I want to go.
If I knew the definition of irony, I'd say my destination is a bit ironic as at one point I sort of swore I'd never step foot in that town and now I'm planning on moving there. Never say never, I guess. Of course, the more time I spend there, I realize that my first impression eight or how may ever years ago was totally biased and I wasn't even ready to think about leaving Steamboat then. Now I can't wait to get out.
That's not to say I won't miss this place and the people I call my friends. Those that I consider my friends I will sorely miss. And I'll miss the view. This place is always going to be here and some of those people will always be here as well. As long as I'm still close, I can always come back up.
The more I think about leaving here, the more excited I get. I'll be closer to Phrank, there are places that never close and I'll be much closer to Denver so I can go see more shows and other stuff. And for the first time in a long time, I'll be where barely anyone knows me. That's kind of neat in a way.
Sunday, January 22, 2006
Shutdown
As much I like to think that I've improved the way I deal with the world around me, sometimes it becomes apparent that I still have a lot of work left. Admittedly, we are all works in progress and each of us have things to make better about ourselves. Today I discovered I still have something to work on that I thought was behind me.
At times when I'm confronted with a flood of emotions or thoughts, my brain just shuts down and I can't verbalize what's going on in my head. And instead of just saying that is what is going on, I'll pretend that there is nothing wrong. When in fact, my face will betray the opposite. I'd like to think that I'm rational and emotions don't affect me but the truth is I'm just as human as the next person. I just have a hard time identifying what it is that I'm feeling that shuts me down. Surely, this shutdown is a survival mechanism, something I picked up most likely as a child that provided some sort of refuge at the time. Seemingly, I didn't completely out grow it.
What's even more disturbing to me is that I don't even realize what's happening until afterwards. After that portion of my brain starts to function again it dawns on me that I have just gone through a shutdown. Although, before I would never even realize that much. I'd just be left to wonder why the person I would be around was so irritated with me and what it was that I had done. At least now I can recognize what happened. Which is a start of sorts, I guess.
As to how to work on this, I'm not sure how to go about it. It doesn't happen that often now (which I guess is some progress) but when it does, it sucks. There is a way I'm sure of working it out. Maybe pen and paper (or ones and zeros) would help.
At times when I'm confronted with a flood of emotions or thoughts, my brain just shuts down and I can't verbalize what's going on in my head. And instead of just saying that is what is going on, I'll pretend that there is nothing wrong. When in fact, my face will betray the opposite. I'd like to think that I'm rational and emotions don't affect me but the truth is I'm just as human as the next person. I just have a hard time identifying what it is that I'm feeling that shuts me down. Surely, this shutdown is a survival mechanism, something I picked up most likely as a child that provided some sort of refuge at the time. Seemingly, I didn't completely out grow it.
What's even more disturbing to me is that I don't even realize what's happening until afterwards. After that portion of my brain starts to function again it dawns on me that I have just gone through a shutdown. Although, before I would never even realize that much. I'd just be left to wonder why the person I would be around was so irritated with me and what it was that I had done. At least now I can recognize what happened. Which is a start of sorts, I guess.
As to how to work on this, I'm not sure how to go about it. It doesn't happen that often now (which I guess is some progress) but when it does, it sucks. There is a way I'm sure of working it out. Maybe pen and paper (or ones and zeros) would help.
Thursday, January 19, 2006
Friends, everybody's got them...Part 2
As much as I can be a bad friend, I've been blessed with friends who understand or are at least used to my flakiness. Which is good because I am if nothing else a flake at times. Luckily, the large majority of my longterm friends aren't beholden to the darkside like I wrote about last night.
Over the years, I've had the advantage of making friends with people who challenge and inspire me. There are quite a few that I couldn't imagine going through life without knowing. These people have influenced the way I look and listen to the world around me. They've exposed me to things (music, literature, art, etc.) that I would have never found on my own. Our conversations, whether it be the state of the world or deconstructing episodes of The Simpson's have almost always been interesting to say the least. These are the friends that make me look at myself and wonder what am I doing with myself. Yeah, they may be working mundane jobs like the rest of us but there's stuff they're doing when they aren't working that just blows me away. The ones that I want to see or hear the finished product of their labors when it's done.
These are the one's that have kept me on track over the years. They're the ones that never let me go fully to the darkside. The ones that didn't let the crazies and fakers come between us. These people are the ones who, in my darkest hours sat next to me and reminded me that this was the worst it would get and things would get better. And things did get better. Quickly, sometimes.
I'm grateful for these people that I call my friends. I wouldn't be who I am without them. Hell, I might not even be here without them.
Over the years, I've had the advantage of making friends with people who challenge and inspire me. There are quite a few that I couldn't imagine going through life without knowing. These people have influenced the way I look and listen to the world around me. They've exposed me to things (music, literature, art, etc.) that I would have never found on my own. Our conversations, whether it be the state of the world or deconstructing episodes of The Simpson's have almost always been interesting to say the least. These are the friends that make me look at myself and wonder what am I doing with myself. Yeah, they may be working mundane jobs like the rest of us but there's stuff they're doing when they aren't working that just blows me away. The ones that I want to see or hear the finished product of their labors when it's done.
These are the one's that have kept me on track over the years. They're the ones that never let me go fully to the darkside. The ones that didn't let the crazies and fakers come between us. These people are the ones who, in my darkest hours sat next to me and reminded me that this was the worst it would get and things would get better. And things did get better. Quickly, sometimes.
I'm grateful for these people that I call my friends. I wouldn't be who I am without them. Hell, I might not even be here without them.
Tuesday, January 17, 2006
Friends, everybody's got them...
Sometimes I can be a bad friend. The skills of keeping in touch have eluded me over the years. So when I hear from someone I haven't talked to in a while, I'm a bit surprised. The thing about it is, with most people we can pick up where we left off. Most of the time that is. There are those few that it seems that something has changed. Whether it's me or them, I'm not sure. I suspect much of the time it's me as I feel I'm not completely the same person I was even five years ago.
Yes, this husk of a body is the same, older but the same one. But my outlook and attitude are different now or at least it seems that way to me. The darkside that used to be everpresent has shifted to the background. After I learned that it was a choice, I chose not focus on the dark stuff as much. It's still there and I still find myself struggling with it occasionally but nowhere to the extent as before.
The thing is, there are still those from the past who are still thriving on that darkside. And at the time we connected it was based on commiseration with that side. Now however it's hard for me to hang with it. I don't really want to encourage the rising of the darkside in my own life. Acknowledging it is one thing, returning to it is something completely different. I have no desire to go back to those days. As far as I'm concerned they are behind me, I don't have to live like that anymore.
I'm torn. I know that to be a good friend you are supposed to stick with people through good and bad. But if there is never any good in their lives, I wonder if it's still worth it. If the darkside is all they can live for, what's one to do? I can't in good conscience encourage it. I know what kind of damage it causes and over the years I've been shown that there is a way out of it.
That's not to say I'm not a cynic. There are plenty of days I'm surprised I lived this long, surviving a death that was not of my own hand. Hell, when I was a kid I thought the world would end in a nuclear holocaust before I was 25. I'm still surprised sometimes that never happened. But that's just cynicism and there is a difference a cynic and a pessimist.
Yes, this husk of a body is the same, older but the same one. But my outlook and attitude are different now or at least it seems that way to me. The darkside that used to be everpresent has shifted to the background. After I learned that it was a choice, I chose not focus on the dark stuff as much. It's still there and I still find myself struggling with it occasionally but nowhere to the extent as before.
The thing is, there are still those from the past who are still thriving on that darkside. And at the time we connected it was based on commiseration with that side. Now however it's hard for me to hang with it. I don't really want to encourage the rising of the darkside in my own life. Acknowledging it is one thing, returning to it is something completely different. I have no desire to go back to those days. As far as I'm concerned they are behind me, I don't have to live like that anymore.
I'm torn. I know that to be a good friend you are supposed to stick with people through good and bad. But if there is never any good in their lives, I wonder if it's still worth it. If the darkside is all they can live for, what's one to do? I can't in good conscience encourage it. I know what kind of damage it causes and over the years I've been shown that there is a way out of it.
That's not to say I'm not a cynic. There are plenty of days I'm surprised I lived this long, surviving a death that was not of my own hand. Hell, when I was a kid I thought the world would end in a nuclear holocaust before I was 25. I'm still surprised sometimes that never happened. But that's just cynicism and there is a difference a cynic and a pessimist.
Nothing about something
One thing that doesn't happen often at work are the strange headscratching moments. Back at the gas station moments like that weren't that uncommen. Strange stories would unfold in front of me at times. I think it happened for the first time at copy shop. As a couple was leaving, one of our regulars passed them by on the way in. She asked us who they were and then proceeded to tell us something odd. Apparantly the women had disappeared from her family in Park City six years ago. The family had never heard from her since. And she had left them with the guy she was with. Strange.
That was the kind of strangeness that would happen at the gas station. There was a day that some mother and daughter got in a fight and the mother decided to walk back to Oak Creek. It seems that the woman would have been rather damaged by this walk perhaps fatally. Thankfully there was sheriff's deputy there that went out and pick the woman up. A year later the daughter called me an asshole because she couldn't use a credit card for lottery tickets. Sweet!
I'm destined to either have or witness odd encounters. And that's ok with me.
That was the kind of strangeness that would happen at the gas station. There was a day that some mother and daughter got in a fight and the mother decided to walk back to Oak Creek. It seems that the woman would have been rather damaged by this walk perhaps fatally. Thankfully there was sheriff's deputy there that went out and pick the woman up. A year later the daughter called me an asshole because she couldn't use a credit card for lottery tickets. Sweet!
I'm destined to either have or witness odd encounters. And that's ok with me.
Monday, January 16, 2006
Freemasons run the country
As much as I'd like to think that I got over my paranoia at some point it just isn't true. I still find it conspiracy theories intriguing and entertaining. Any mention of the Freemasons, Illuminati or associated groups and symbols instantly turns my head. Admittedly, I've let go of the idea that I was being watched and targeted. There is still a sense that we are all being monitored, which in this day and age is seemingly plausible. The difference now is I don't allow myself to indulge in those speculations like I did. I live a rather mundane life. If there are actually are people watching me I hope they brought a pillow, because they need more sleep than me.
The thing about conspiracy theories is that they can map out the levels of certain powers above us mere citizens. Coming to the understanding that there is an immense, hidden plot that targets all of humanity (or at least the US) is strangely reassuring to one who is paranoid. Or at least makes sense. It helps explain why the world can seem so fucked up. It can seem to absolve one of responsibility for those around them because in this prism, everyone is screwed eventually.
Even to this day, I find cues that can lead me down the road to make ties to this overworld I was obsessed with for way too long. In the back of my head I still carry the strong suspicion that there are those that are pulling strings behind the faces of power. But there is not a damned thing I could do about it anyway.
I'm sure those years spent in the depths of believing that dark forces were right behind me was supposed to teach me some kind of lesson. What this lesson was supposed to be, I'm not sure. Maybe looking at the big picture is not always the best way to look at the world. Sometimes the picture can get just too big. I'm not sure. Perhaps, the lessons I learned are subtle enough that I can't name them.
The thing about conspiracy theories is that they can map out the levels of certain powers above us mere citizens. Coming to the understanding that there is an immense, hidden plot that targets all of humanity (or at least the US) is strangely reassuring to one who is paranoid. Or at least makes sense. It helps explain why the world can seem so fucked up. It can seem to absolve one of responsibility for those around them because in this prism, everyone is screwed eventually.
Even to this day, I find cues that can lead me down the road to make ties to this overworld I was obsessed with for way too long. In the back of my head I still carry the strong suspicion that there are those that are pulling strings behind the faces of power. But there is not a damned thing I could do about it anyway.
I'm sure those years spent in the depths of believing that dark forces were right behind me was supposed to teach me some kind of lesson. What this lesson was supposed to be, I'm not sure. Maybe looking at the big picture is not always the best way to look at the world. Sometimes the picture can get just too big. I'm not sure. Perhaps, the lessons I learned are subtle enough that I can't name them.
Sunday, January 15, 2006
Off weekend spent at work...
This was the first weekend in four weeks that I have spent the entire weekend here in Steamboat. Thankfully, I had to work (I can't believe I just wrote that) both days. But it kept my mind off where I would rather have been.
Of course work was relatively slow and I'm glad because I'm still fighting this freaking cold thing. I think the whole town is sick. Almost everyone I run into has the sniffles or sneezes. Thanks to all of the out of town visitors that brought their infections with them. I've never noticed the pattern before but after the holidays it seems this entire town comes down with a cold of sorts. My only hope is that with all the various virii that are floating around here, it helps boost our collective immune systems. Here's to hope.
And of course it's snowing off and on tonight which makes me really want to go up on the hill tomorrow. I know I should just stay in bed and try to fight this but the call is very strong. I'm just going to call the report and give myself an inch of new threshold (of course, I haven't decided on what the threshold is going to be).
Being the first weekend not spent with Phrank, I think I did ok on the whole not being horribly mopey thing. This is not to say that I didn't miss being with her. Far from it. But between being sick, working and performing my duty as designated driver I was able to not dwell on it as much as I would have if those distractions weren't there. But I missed her head nestled on that one spot on my shoulder among other things.
Of course work was relatively slow and I'm glad because I'm still fighting this freaking cold thing. I think the whole town is sick. Almost everyone I run into has the sniffles or sneezes. Thanks to all of the out of town visitors that brought their infections with them. I've never noticed the pattern before but after the holidays it seems this entire town comes down with a cold of sorts. My only hope is that with all the various virii that are floating around here, it helps boost our collective immune systems. Here's to hope.
And of course it's snowing off and on tonight which makes me really want to go up on the hill tomorrow. I know I should just stay in bed and try to fight this but the call is very strong. I'm just going to call the report and give myself an inch of new threshold (of course, I haven't decided on what the threshold is going to be).
Being the first weekend not spent with Phrank, I think I did ok on the whole not being horribly mopey thing. This is not to say that I didn't miss being with her. Far from it. But between being sick, working and performing my duty as designated driver I was able to not dwell on it as much as I would have if those distractions weren't there. But I missed her head nestled on that one spot on my shoulder among other things.
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