The distance

There's this person that I think most of us have in our lives. I tend to call it "the one who got away". It seems to me that most of us have one of those people in our past. Mostly in terms of relationships, at least for me and from what I've gathered from others. Now don't take this as pining for in my case, just pure curiosity (that was at least six years ago). But what I wonder is if they are in fact the ones that got away, why did we let them get away?

I know in my case it was mostly geographical distance and a general moving on. Through in some mental issues on perhaps both parts and you have a separation.

And through talking to other people about their "one that got away" is seems that the common theme is physical distance. Again I have to wonder, why is that we try to keep things going over long distance when neither party is going to leave where they are? I know once in my life I've moved to another place for someone and I'm still trying to figure out if it was worth it in the long run (I suspect it was even though I'm not with that person anymore).

Why do some of us insist on maintaining a long distance relationship, we do it because of the distance or in spite of it? I was never able to figure it out for myself. Some of us (myself included) can have some attraction to people who are unavailable. A geographical unavailability is about as unavailable as one can get. Or is one of those "all odds can be surmounted through love" fantasies that we've been fed over the years? Which I speculate clouds our vision of true nature of relationships.

Once again, I'm not sure where I'm going with this. Perhaps there is something I'm trying to work out here. There is a tendency on my part to be attracted to people who are unavailable in one way or another. I'm not sure if I'm doing it again (I'm not going into to detail right now), but maybe in the back of my head that little buzzer is going off this time. That's one of the things that bothers me about me, I'm never really sure what's going on inside my head. And trying to get it down can be a pain. Or perhaps I just found myself in a moment of nostalgia tonight because I put on Modest Mouse for the first time in years.

Was your daddy a thief?

Like always, I'm not sure how to start. That seems to be fairly prevalent in many parts of my life. Those that know me have a hard time believing that I'm actually shy, but I am. Or at least I'm shy until after the first the ice has been broken, and not always then. I'm one of those people who you see at the party who is kind of hanging to himself (that is if I don't already know anyone there). Oddly, I wasn't always this way. For a brief period when I was much younger I wasn't shy and I could just walk up to people and start a conversation. I don't feel able to do that now. Yeah, it's all a mind game I'm sure but for a lack of a better phrase, I have no opening lines when it comes to meeting people. I don't mean cheap pick up lines, but just simple phrases to start a conversation.

The thing is I find myself getting more and more insular as time goes on. For instance, I have to make myself leave my apartment on days that I don't have to work. And it seems that I'm pretty ok with sitting in here by myself not talking to anyone. But I know that I should leave and get out among people (even if I don't really talk to them), just for some sort of human contact.

It makes me wonder if I need to start talking to a professional about it, or is it just the way I am. To a degree I think I've always sort of been a loner. And I think I've always been aware of this. But there are times when I'm lonely and would like to be in the company of others. I'm not sure what that is, perhaps I just want companionship of some sort.

Anyway. Enough of that. My last Christmas package got here yesterday with a pleasant surprise. Hutch and Hilt got me a Holga camera, so now I have a new toy to play around with. I started playing with it today, but it's a film camera so I need to shoot off the roll tomorrow so I can get it processed.

Out with the old, in with the new

Yeah, I'm not so much on New Year resolutions. The standard still applies. I need to quit smoking yet again. I need to get my finances in order. I need to start going to the gym. Blah, Blah, Blah.

2008 was kind of a crappy year for me. I got hit by a car, I'm closer to bankruptcy than I've ever been and apparently I got hosed by the one woman I dated. Sheesh. Although I guess there were bright spots, I got pulled off the phones at work, which meant I didn't have to deal with a constant onslaught of customers. And I did discover a few friends here in Colorado Springs. Oh yeah, and I did get a cat, the little bastard is freaking out as I type this.

I can't tell if I'm starting to feel my age or it's just where I live. I can't seem to keep up on music, and I seem to have gained some weight. Back in the Steamboat days, I was at least in shape (good shape for a smoker) and I seemed to be current on music. Now I just feel overwhelmed, especially when it comes to music. But I'm starting to wonder if they are both tied into the fact that I'm just aging. I'm not even sure if I picked up an album that was released in 20o8 in the last year (I'm sure I did, I just can't think of one).

The one thing is, I did notice this was the year it seems I mellowed out a lot as far as music is concerned (except for my recent fascination with the Southern Lord label). I started the year digging the Postal Service and it descended from there. Crud, I'm getting old and mellow in my older age.

Screw this, my 2008 top ten in no particular order (well maybe the first one)

1. My Siblings. You guys rock. You dropped everything to come out to take care of me when I needed it. I may not have thanked you properly, but never think I didn't appreciate it. And that trip to the sand dunes my brother and I took was pretty awesome.

2. The Postal Service. They may be emo (I'm not sure what that means now) but that album was what I had to hear at the time. Yeah, my boy back in Indy called it gay but I don't care. I needed that shot and that album was the one I needed.

3. Health Insurance. Hit by a car. I don't really know if I need to go into detail.

4. Obama. I don't care what anyone says, we elected a black man as president. Yeah, he's black and he's white, but he spoke to a hell of a lot of us. I just want to see if he can carry it through.

5. Digg.com. You helped me waste hours that I could have wasted watching TV.

6. Emusic.com an awesome subscription based music site that supplies straight MP3 format downloads. No DRM. And a really deep library. What I didn't find on vinyl this year, I found there.

7. Stephen Colbert. He has finally come into his own. For years I was a fan of the Daily Show (still am to a degree). But this was the year that he finally overshadowed the Daily Show. His character is freaking awesome, and I'm really curious to see what he will do with it from now on.

8. Vinyl. My new hobby apparently. There's now a bunch of labels that will give you a download coupon when you buy vinyl off of them. Sub Pop, Matador, Merge and Saddle Creek to name a few. If you still have a turntable, it's not hopeless anymore. Although if anyone wants to but that Still/Young Band LP off me, hit me up. I'm just not into it.

9. Linux. Until about a month ago I was using the Linux distro of Ubutnu at home. I'd still use my Mac for music but that was about it. It's ready for the home user unless you're a gamer. The two most recent build of Ubuntu are pretty much flawless, I never even had to use the command line unless I really wanted to. If you don't want Windows and don't want to pay for a Mac, install Ubuntu. It's good stuff.

10. Metal. Especially what Southern Lord is putting out these days. I thought my metal days were pretty much behind me (with the exception of Mastodon and High on Fire) until I started hearing stuff off this label. Drone, Doom and Heavy all on one label. Lair of the Minotaur and Wolves in the Throne Room are two of my current faves off this label.

There you have it, my incoherent top 10. I'm feeling lazy so I didn't link everything. If I feel motivated I may go back and do so. Cheers to a New Year.

Never odd or even

So I'm sitting here with the cat in my lap. He's headbutting my arm, I haven't figured out just why he does that but he does.

Oh yeah, I have a cat now. Horatio his is name. He came to me from one of the members of American Relay. Not sure if I'm just watching him or if he is mine but we'll see.

Sitting here on my Friday night, part of me feels like I should have left the apartment but I'm bored with the one decent bar within walking distance. Not to mention that I always seem to be hungover after going there.

I've been in this dissatisfied state for a while and I can't seem to figure out what I want. I've never been one to really know what I want to begin with so that doesn't help matters. Work is ok, I don't hate it but I don't love it. It'll do for now, and as long as I'm in this town it is where pretty much all of my friends in town work. It's the first time in a long time that my social life as been so involved with my work life (well Steamboat was that way to a degree, but not like this).

Then there is the split between my desire to have someone in my life and my lack of desire to go out and try the dating/meeting people scene.

Shortly after my accident, I asked out one of the women that was involved with my healing. Surprisingly, she said yes, considering the condition I was in. We went out for a few months and then she called it off, telling me she didn't want to be involved with anyone. Not that long after, I log into Facebook one morning and her status has gone from single to engaged. Just like that. I'm not that broken up over it but I am taken aback and stuff like that always leaves me wondering.

As far as relationships, I just don't want to get beat up and run over again. At this point I need to protect myself (or so I think). What do I know?

Anyway. On a completely different note, one of the best vinyl scores this year was The Cave Singers "Invitation Songs" for $1.99 in the used bin at Independent Records here in town. The album was released in 2007 on Matador. I think whoever sold it thought it was going to be a metal album or something. At times it can be really dark but it's got a quite a bit of folk overtones.

Oh yeah and a King Diamond picture disc. Good stuff.

Hold fast to the center

It's been awhile. I've not wanted to come back here after the accident. I can't really explain it. It's kind of like the time my backpack was stolen with my journal in it when I was in college. I stopped writing for years when that happened.

So maybe I'm trying this again or maybe this is a one time thing, I'm not that sure.

One of the last times I quit doing this was after I started going out with Phrank, at that point my sister commented "well now you have nothing to complain about so why do the blog?". Sadly, I think she may have been right.

I'm not that sure if I have that much to complain about any more though. Sure I could complain about how I'm single yet again (and eventually that story will come out), but that gets pretty boring after awhile. And I rarely deal with customers directly anymore, so there isn't that much to mine from that.

Perhaps the deal is now I just feel stagnant and I don't really have any idea where I'm at. So much for a spectacular re-entry into this (I hesitate to say blogging due to that stupid Twix commercial).

But earlier today someone asked for recommendations for emo and shoegazer music. I have no idea what is now considered emo. To me emo is still Texas is the Reason, The Getup Kids and the like. And the granddaddys of that are Fugazi, or at least the first two albums (of course this is all my opinion and I am leaving out quite a bit as far as old school emo). And then there is Hot Water Music which I would still classify as emo but what do I know. To me true emo died sometime in the mid to late nineties.

Shoegazer bands on the other hand are still recording. It started back in the UK with bands like Ride and Slowdive (I know I'm missing something here but I don't care, I grew up in the States and this is what I know). To me the first two Swervedriver albums (Raise and Mezcal Head) really define UK shoegazer music. But then the Scots perfected it when Mogwai hit the scene. And to a lesser extent The Twilight Sad (and yeah, I know I'm skipping a whole lot of UK shoegazer bands). But it gets tricky when you try to put American bands in the mix. I'd thow in Yo La Tengo but they go into so many other paths it's just not right to pigeonhole them as shoegazer. Built to Spill, yeah you could put them in there, and most of the side project like the Halo Benders and the like. Heck at times, Sonic Youth could be thrown in there, but I can hear the grumbles now.

I'm never good at classifying bands into certain genres, it seems most of them drift in or out of any slot they get put in. And it's not like I'm a music critic or anything. But it seems that what could be called shoegazer is what I seem to have the most of. And I still can figure out where to put Death Cab for Cutie. I think they could be both.

See, no whining about my status.

What Happened?

Almost a week ago, I came to in the CAT Scan tube at Memorial Hospital here in Colorado Springs. And that memory is fuzzy at best. The last thing I remember before that was talking to some people at the neighborhood watering hole.

When I finally became cognizant, I was talking to a policeman and ER staff who told me I had been in a bicycle accident. Actually at that point, I think they were doing most of the talking. They weren't sure what happened, maybe I got hit by a car, maybe I took a spill.

Nonetheless, I was messed up. My face was a bloody swollen mess, some of my teeth were bent in (not broken!) and my left eye was swollen so much I couldn't see out of it.

My friend Jeremy picked me up from the ER, after a few hours I called him to take pharmacy for painkillers, I was in pain. In the meantime the (her words) psychotic ex girlfriend learned what happened and told me in no uncertain terms that she was going to watch me until my sister got here. And then she took care of me until then. And made me juice, and put towels on me to soak up the blood. My left eye oozed blood for the first two days.

That was day one.

Since that day there has so many people helping and offering to help, I was overwhelmed. Currently my brother is here for about a week.

I ended up breaking about 10-15 bones in my face but they were all clean enough that I don't need any surgery. Somehow I managed not to sustain a head wound (I think because my face took the brunt of the impact) and no brain damage. However, I did crack the upper palate in my mouth and now have my jaw wire shut for 3-6 weeks.

But I'm pretty damn lucky. I'm lucky to be alive and to have come out of this as unscathed as I did. I suspect this could be one of those defining events for me.

As to what happened, I have no idea. It still hasn't come back to me. Last night I went back to the bar where the ambulance picked me up and got a few details filled. What I can piece together is that some woman called 9-11 saying that there was someone laying in the road by the post office. After she called, I somehow managed to get up and go back to the bar for help. The bartender that was working that night told me I didn't know my name, where I was and what happened. I just showed up at the back door of the bar like something out of a horror movie.

What I suspect happened is I got clipped or hit by a car. I've taken spills on my bike when intoxicated before but not like this. There were no marks on my hands for one.

I'll never know exactly what happened that night. I'm glad to still be here though.

Done

Once again I find myself slacking here. Sorry to the all two of you regular readers. You know who you are (seriously, I'm down to just you two).

And I've been slacking on my picture taking, although now that it's starting to get green outside again I probably will find myself motivated to start taking more photos. I was really getting bummed out by all the gray. Rarely if ever will you hear me complain about snow, but I was/am getting sick of the cold gray and tan surroundings. We didn't really get that much snow this winter although it was threating to snow at some point today.

I've given up or at least I don't care anymore. As far as the womenfolk go. I'm not pining to be with anyone (it'd be nice) and I don't even know if I want to be bothered with getting involved with anyone. Having said that, it doesn't mean my eyes are closed. The last time I took this stance I ended up on a three year dry spell. And by dry spell I mean nothing. No dates, no hand holding and nothing else. That part wasn't exactly ok. And in fact I'm torn between what exactly giving up means. Does it mean to completely disengage or just not care anymore. Does giving up mean I'm not able to show interest or just that at this point either way is ok with me. Crud, if I'm asking these questions does that mean I haven't given up?

Ugh. I'm going to bed.

Get this out of my head

Apparently, I'm not depressed just obsessive. And I wish my obsessiveness was directed at keeping my place clean instead of the direction it has been heading.

Ever since I'm stopped taking the meds, I've had a certain type of thought continue to run through my head. Mostly, when I'm at home and not really engaged in anything else. I don't really remember having these kinds of thought patterns before but I was on the meds long enough that I don't really remember what it was like before that. Especially in the place I am now. Before, I was still living in Steamboat with a fairly strong support system that I could talk things out. I have that here but to a much smaller degree. And sometimes I feel I have to watch what I say or it will come back to haunt me.

Geez, I feel like everytime I write something here, I'm just working the same question over and over again.

Try this, we finally had our first thundershowers today. Actually the thunder and lightning started last night. It has been a long time since I heard thunder (except for that thundersnowstorm we had last month) with rain and lightning. I was talking to another person today about how I still miss the all day thunderstorms back in the midwest. We just don't get those here. Hell, by the time I left work today the sun was out and pretty much everything was completely dry.

And I've had the Avett Brothers stuck in my head all week.

Booze vs. Pills

I'm down to one prescription. And I'm trying to get my dosage back down. Unfortunately it's a sleeping pill to combat my chronic insomnia. Back when I had work that didn't require as much brain power as the one I have now, there was a certain drug that could be purchased on the black market that took care of the insomnia. It doesn't seem that I can use that one anymore on days that I have to go to work as it leaves me really fuzzy. And I'm not always that great with how it makes me feel. Booze works but then there are the hangovers. But that's what I'm doing this week. Trying to find that happy medium of alcohol that well let me sleep but not make me too drunk that it hurts in the morning.

Preferably, I wouldn't self-medicate but a sleepless night is worse that a few nights of light drinking. And I've found that scotch seems to be the best, I feel pretty clean and rested in the morning after a two or three rocks glasses. Tonight it's wine and beer. The goal here is to not take the pills for a week so my tolerance decreases back to what it was when I first started them. I realize it's not the best solution but for now it's seems to be working.

At least I'm off the other medication, which I really think was causing more problems than fixing. It was an antidepressant that I sort of let myself get talked in starting. I mentioned in an email tonight to a friend that I think I actually feel better off of it than I did when I was on it. Yeah, I'm susceptible to bouts of depression and those bouts suck but I always realize that at some point it will go away. The meds work great for some people and when those meds work for who they are supposed to, that's great. I'm probably just not one of them. Or at least at this point.

The one drawback of using booze as a sleep aid is getting online. I end up inadvertently sending emails and posting comments that I normally wouldn't. In fact, last night I think I may have accidentally asked a someone out through a social network comment. Although, if she agrees then that wouldn't be such a bad thing.

The cold spot on the bathroom floor

I finished my smoke in the bathroom, stood up to light the incense (to wash out the cigarette smell) and put my foot in the cold spot where my scotch glass had been sitting. All of a sudden I realized I can feel again. Perhaps not the best way to come such a realization, with the glow of scotch warming me up but nonetheless it's there. For so long I've been completely numb to what's been going on inside me. Whether it was the medication that was doing that to me or I have just been suppressing everything, I'm not sure.

After getting over the first week of quitting the medication (which was a descent into obsessive hell) I've started feeling things again. And yeah, it's been both sides of the coin. I have my moments of darkness but on the same hand I can laugh again and it doesn't feel hollow. It probably doesn't hurt that the sun is out again and I've attempted to be outside, whether just walking around or riding my bike (I still haven't been skating like I should be).

Another thing about going off the meds is I've been doing a bit more introspection, not much but a bit more than before. And I can't decide anything. I've always been a fairly solitary person and for the most part that's fine. I can handle being alone. But there are moments when I want company. Then I ask myself is it worth it? Do I really want to go through that agonizing process of getting back out there and meeting people for the sake of having company when I am lonely? Or am I really just better off flying solo? After the last few relationships, I'm inclined to say in the long run I'm better off alone. At least if I'm alone I never have to go through the pain of the end of a relationship.

If I were fifteen years younger it wouldn't be a problem. But those days are long gone. And that's something I accepted a long time ago.

Softer this time

After heeding my brother's concern I decided to delete last night post and the comment that went with it (and there are so few of those these days). But they were both correct to have expressed their concerns to me. And I glad that I have the kind of siblings who are afraid to tell me I've stepped over a line.

What I think I was trying to say is that in a completely irrational way, is that there is a part of me that would like to know that people who cause me pain will end getting the same kind and then some. The pain I'm talking here it the emotional roller coaster that I still find myself ridding at the age of 36. Part of growing up was to be that you get figure this stuff out faster as you get older.

Or so I was lead to believe. As you get older and you meet people who are older than you and they don't seem to have figured much out. Although sometimes people like that are a good milepost to see which direction one is heading. For instance, when we're out the other night some older drunk guy dame up to us and told us a pretty lame joke. I think to myself, I really don't want to end up like him. The sad thing is, I'm not so sure how close I could wind up being like him. I know I'd have to really start drinking a lot more cheap beer and even cheaper whiskey. And lose a few more teeth.

So for those of you that read this deleted post. I was rambling. Instead of doing anything about it by way of a grand shceme, I'm going to leave it alone. And may try to develop subtle mind control powers. That would be far more satisfactory. And it could become a hobby.

Don't worry about me, I'll be fine. I just started certain parts of the grieve process a bit late that's all.

Three days

Now that I have three days off in a row, I'm not really sure what to do with myself. Today I had to make myself find things to do, although I did go skate for the first time in months (I can already feel the winter weight dropping). I have this feeling I'm going to have to start leaving town more often just so I don't consume myself with boredom and obsession. I found myself consumed with thought today that I really didn't want in my head. Which lead to me going out and finding things to do. I finally had to give Jeremy a call and say "I'm bored, let's go get a drink." Thankfully that was at a respectable hour.

I did come to the conclusion at the skatepark today that I am really out of shape again. So I guess I'm going to have to start hitting the parks again. Which having three days off will help with this, I can head down to Trinidad without feeling rushed. And I have until the beginning of June to have the parks to myself or at least me and the other old farts.

One thing I've noticed after I quit taking the meds is that I seem to obsess about things that I didn't before. My guess is that the particular medication I was one evened me out to the point where that wasn't even really an option. Wow, welcome to mental clarity or whatever. I don't regret my choice to go off them. I feel better for the most part, but having to stop myself from thinking certain things is a new thing again. I'm not going into detail about what I've been obsessing about, it's immature and unproductive at best. But it's weird, now I think it must have always been there and the meds were suppressing those thoughts.

Strangely, when I first started taking that medication it seemed that I was able to concentrate more than I was before. I'm not so sure now. Perhaps I just deluded myself into thinking that was a benefit of the meds. I know that it seemed to kill whatever creative spark I had left and that is part of the reason I stopped taking them (that and I was sick of the wicked hangovers after having just a couple of drinks). I'm still not of the woods yet, I suspect I have at least another week before they are completely out of my system.

I went on these drugs because I thought I was depressed and prone to depression. And I am prone to it and it sucks. But at this point I think I'd rather feel the whole thing than just be leveled out. I still have a stash if it ever seems to get too rough. But I think I can ride it out.

I think I'll go skate Canon City tomorrow.

Red Flags

So about two weeks ago, I got the phone number of a lady (I may have mentioned this). Finally last night I left a message on her machine. Part of the reason I waited so long to call was that there were a couple of red flags that popped up when I met her. After this last relationship there are a few things that I know I don't want to be involved with. One of those is alcoholics, recovering or active. And I suspect if this lady isn't an alcoholic, she may have a drinking problem at least. Admittedly, I've been know to go out and have a few drinks, or have a couple here at home. But I've never considered myself to be someone with a drinking problem.

Having said that, last night I was out at the bar by my house and the bartender asked me if I had done anything about her. He then proceeded to confirm my suspicions and tell me that I probably shouldn't even bother with her. Apparently she was in there before I was and her behavior was that of someone I want nothing to do with.

Seems my hesitation was the right call for this situation. Of course, now I'm starting at square one as far as potential people to date. Oh well, this is not the first time. I think I need to find some new places to met women.

Breaking the strings

It's been almost a week since I took the last pill. Not that quitting the antidepressants was a conscious choice. But after not taking them for four days and the worst to happen was a headache that the ibuprofen could take care of I think I'm just going to stop all together. I was out with the boys from work last night and one of them commented that I seem happier than I have in a while, perhaps as long as he's known me.

I was always wondered a bit as to why I agreed to be on them. There was a bit of peer pressure at the time, and one of my flaws is at times I succumb to peer pressure. And I guess at the time I thought I needed them. Perhaps they served their purpose but now I want to not be even keeled anymore. I actually want to know what things feel like.

With the break up several months behind me, I think I'm in the place to stop taking them. Oh sure, I may obsess about her at times but I'm pretty good about keeping that suppressed to begin with.

Of course, I still have my sleeping pills. For a night owl like me who has to be at work earlier and earlier, I doubt if I could sleep without them (actually I can, but it takes a different kind of self medication). And so I'll stay on those, the worst side effect the have is that I'm a touch groggy in the morning. But it's not something coffee can't take care off.

I've also decide that I'm going to spend a fair amount of my next three days off working on getting this place together. Mostly because my last trip out of town I dumped everything in the middle of the floor and still haven't moved much of it to where it really belongs. And I still have photos to hang up and music to figure out what to do with. Or at least a way to display it. And I need a chair. One that I can sit in and read or watch a movie. Preferably one that reclines (then I could fall asleep in it).

Oh well, starting Sunday I get three days in a row off for the first time ever.

Thunder Snow

It was dumping snow when I got out of work. Almost as soon as I walked out of the door there was a clap of thunder in the middle of this snowstorm. Just one clap but it was thunder. It's been years since I've heard thunder in the middle of a snowstorm and before today there was only one other time I'd experience such a thing.

It's sort of weird to hear thunder in a snowstorm. I suspect Colorado is one of the few places one can witness this type of thing. Before I came here I'd never heard of it. After I'd been here people would talk about it but it was several years before I ever heard it.

Part of me wishes it was a full on thunder snowstorm. Actually more than a part of me. That would have been pretty cool.

There is good news in my work thing as well. I've been reassigned to the helpdesk which means I'm off the phones for the most part. Now instead of dumb customers I mostly have to deal with dumb agents. But at least now I don't have to take random calls from irate customers. Other than having to call them back to let them know that we had to set up an all day window to get their digital telephone installed. The cool thing is that I'll be learning a bunch of new stuff. I'm not sure how practical it will be but it can't hurt.

Which also means no more telling people their phone or internet isn't working because they need tp plug their modem back in.