Noises

In addition to the albums I wrote about the other day, I've been going through a big noise phase again. This time I've been going back as far as Sun Ra. Listening to what little amount of his stuff, I hear his influence in alot of the noise music I've picked up over the years. Not that surprisingly, I hear a lot references to Sun Ra in the music of Sonic Youth. Admittedly, since it's jazz the influence is subtle but very present.

In a way, I wonder if going through a noise phase as anything to do with my current mental state. The world around me seems pretty chaotic and perhaps listening to noise allows me to exert some control over my surroundings. Or maybe it just helps me make sense of the chaos around me. Of course it could mean nothing and I just really like discordant music (which may be closer to the truth).

Of course, the world around me will probably stay chaotic. From what I can see, throughout our lives there are very few things that are static. That's probably the way things are supposed to be. I can live with that.

Placing

About fifteen minutes ago I looked out the window and it was snowing horizontally, I just now looked out and there is noting falling from the sky. Such is the weather here in Colorado. Even though I'm not playing in it like I used to, I still like the snow. You will rarely if ever hear me actually complaining about the snow. The other people on the road, or when the road aren't really snowy but icy instead, you will hear me bitch about those things.

There's a big chunk of me that wishes I'd have never left Steamboat (especially with the snow they are getting this year). Something tells me that if I had stayed, I wouldn't be as stressed out like I am now. Of course, if I had stayed I'd have all of the old issues that I had when I was there (like being bored). But I have/had close friends there, and even though I didn't always think I belonged there I had my place in that town. And all in all it was a good place.

Perhaps what I'm getting at is that idea of a sense of place that people who are smarter than me talk about. I don't feel like I have one here, I have work but that not really a place. That's where I spend my time, of course that where I know people from (that and the bartender from the place down the road (I go there because I can walk there)). Or maybe it's that I'm just now starting to develop one here in Colorado Springs. Perhaps when I find a spot that I just really have to take a picture of then I will have found my sense of place in Colorado Springs. That or some people I want to take snapshots of.

Slow reaction

My computer is so old that it doesn't handle Java of Flash very well. This presents a problem when I try to type anything in on Blogger. there is a several second delay from what I've typed to when it appears on the screen. And it sort of drives me nuts. Watching that lag that is.

Lag has always driven me crazy when it comes to using computers. I remember back in the day of playing MUD and just getting frustrated when my character would get killed off due to lag. I guess the new word for it is latency, but I'm not an online gamer so I don't really have to worry about it anymore.

Anyway, it's really not that important but it still drives me bat shit.

It's strange to finally come to the conclusion that I'm at the age now where my peers are at the point of starting all over again sometimes. And I seem to wonder if I've ever started. although this current situation is close enough to a divorce that I don't ever want to go through one. I know enough people who are my age who are either on their second marriage or have or just now got out of their firs. Scary. and yet it's inevitable that at this point it would be common.

I'm still amazed at this growing up process I guess. I was able to delay quite a bit of it all of those years in Steamboat (although I still did grow up, it was just different). And there are days when I just want to go back there because life was so much simpler. But I can't, I do need to move on. Even if I don't like the idea of it.

On the iPod

Music I've been listening to:

Battles - Mirrored

Yeah, the best album of 2007 that I picked up in 2008. There's been moments where I've had to make myself stop listening to it. It's that good to me. I guess I heard them at Pitchfork and remember wanting to pick up some of their stuff. I have a hard time describing it. Battles have several rhythms going at once, there's vocal but not in any real language. Like I said, hard to describe.

Beirut - The Flying Club Cup and Lon Gisland EP

It's folky, it's pretty. Old world influences, hints of jazz and sprinkles of indie vocals abound in both of these recordings. Strings and trumpets play off each other. It sort of takes me somewhere I probably need to be. The singer has a voice that is like another instrument. It's good mellow night music (I mean that in a good way)

Hella - Chirpin Hard/Church Gone Wild

Ow, my freaking ears! Unlistenable in the best way possible. Noise and discordant beats. Just the way I like it.

Rob Crow - Living Well

For a guy that looks as burly as he does on the album cover, he can write a nice melodic pop song. Half of Pinback, apparently the pop half. I find myself popping this in on a long drive and not noticing the next hour go by.

And there's a bunch of other stuff I still haven't really listened too. Sheesh

Anxiously trying to sleep

There is this moment when I wake up in the morning that I don't remember the reality of my situation. After about the equivalent of a cup of coffee, reality peeks through and the anxiety starts kicking in.

Last weekend I went up to Steamboat and finally got a decent nights sleep. And I didn't get that anxious feeling after waking up. In fact I didn't get it until I got in the car to drive back to Colorado Springs. I've been taking medication for a while and I thought it was supposed to reduce my anxiety. So for now I'll just try to remember to breathe.

Sorry to be such a downer.

But over the weekend I really rode Howelsen Hill for the first time ever. It was a blast.

rising slowly rising

There's been a few times in the last few months were I meant to get something down here but for whatever reason I'd stop myself. It's probably fairly common knowledge that I'm going through another rough patch in my life. Without going into to many details, Phrank and I broke up over something fairly stupid and this was it. No more.

So that's that. The process seems to be what a divorce could feel like to me. Maybe I'm wrong but part of me wants that paper from a judge that says it a decree of dissolution.

I'm at that point of trying to figure out what to do. If I have to carry out the lease then that is what I'll do. Oh well. I can stand staying in this town for one more summer. Maybe start making friends right before I leave.

Anyone who knows any relatively sane women in their thirties (or near thirties) in Colorado Springs, let me know.