Sunday, July 31, 2005

Dear Bicycle #2

Dear Bike-

You may recall a letter I wrote to you the other day. There was something I neglected to tell you. And that is that I truly appreciated your efforts in getting my drunk ass home in one piece. Last night was an excellent example. If I had been driving the Surly Mayfly I would have killed someone else or myself. No matter what I said previously, I am very grateful. You are very much a trusty stead and your many years of service (what is it, eight now?) are not to go without praise. If you ate, I'd take you out to dinner.

Thank you,
Surly Monkey

Friday, July 29, 2005

Where am I?

It seems this music is distracting me. Trying to decipher what this guy is singing seems to take some concentration. And the truth is, I just don't understand what he is saying. Damn British English! I guess I could always find the lyrics.

Apparently, my post the other night about Wikipedia got me a link to Wikipedia. That made me happy. It seems that not everyone is happy about Wikipedia though, according to this post over at Random Access Mazar some in the academic and library classes are not that happy about the idea of a chaotic information source. But for a person like me it's perfect, many a night could be spent picking up so much information (and hopefully some of it will be absorbed) that it amazes me. Of course at one point I kept my dictionary by the toilet. Not that it shows.

In the last week my thoughts have been turning to the past more than I would like. I really don't want to live in the past but sometimes it can be rather overwhelming. There is a former girlfriend who was very special to me that I've been thinking of quite a bit lately. The sad fact is, it's been over a year since I've talked to her. Of course it is most likely for the best but I still wonder how she is doing. The truth of the matter is that she has set the bar for anyone who comes after (which is completely unfair I realize). But it may not take much to reach that bar.

It's late and I'm out.

Thursday, July 28, 2005

Dear Bicycle

Dear Bike,

I know I've been neglecting you more than this summer than I have in past summers. In the past I would ride you to work 3 or 4 times a week until it was too cold. But you have to understand that work is a 3 minute walk now and it almost seems pointless to take you with me. You've know for a while that I'm just not that interested in trail riding anymore. If there wasn't so much goddamned uphill climbing here I might feel differently. I do take you with me anytime I go out to a bar and we still do the blind ride home on the bike path.

And yes, this summer I've forsaken you a little more for my skateboard. If Brett hadn't shown me that skatepark an hour or so away from here things might be different. I'm sorry but I just consider you more of a transportation device as opposed to an object of fun.

Don't worry though, I won't get rid of you. I may convert you into something and get a bike that is more conducive to road riding but you will always be my favorite.

And we still have a few months to spend together before the snow flies so be happy. I promise you'll get out of the house several times a week. Even if it is just to the bar.

sincerely,
Surly Monkey

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

Friends


hug
Originally uploaded by surly monkey.
This photo has a backstory that I have no inclination to tell. It is after all someone else's business. Let's just say at the moment it was taken someone needed a hug and the support of his friends.

There are few friends that I hold close. Toes and fingers at the most. I'm not the greatest at maintain relationships friends or otherwise. Inattentiveness could be one word that would describe me. This is not intentional and I've tried to make an effort at being better about it. But sometimes you can just fall out of contact even if you live in the same town. There is also my problem of not confronting things when stuff gets weird, I have a tendency to ignore it or just drop out at that point. Nonconfrontion is a bit of an issue. Of course I could go into more detail but that is probably better in a therapy session or something.

The friends I do have are important and I hope they know it.

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

One more night

No one can say I'm not a good former employee. My previous boss called me at work today and sort of begged me to come in and cover a couple of shifts as much as I could. Of course, I said yes, for one the extra money is nice and two it seemed that she really got shafted. Apparently, the recently fired (as of today) decided to call from New York and inform her that he wouldn't be coming in today or the rest of the week for that matter. Not only that but the other night guy is still out of town. I just couldn't say no and why would I? Plus I get to close an hour earlier, fine by me.

The odd thing is, it was like second nature to be there, as if I had never left. Although I was really able to get surly on anyone, there wasn't anyone there. Well there was the guy that pulled to get gas in his big ass truck up as I was turning out the lights. I told him we were closed while I was letting someone in to buy smokes. Maybe tomorrow night.

Sunday, July 24, 2005

Wandering Wikipedia

Once again a large chunk of the evening was spent looking for something cool to put up here. And once again the vastness of the Internet wasteland got to me again. It seems I spent a fair amount of time reading up on English over at Wikipedia (which in my opinion is one of the greatest Internet resources out there). Not only did I learn that Scots (not to be confused with Gaelic) is the closest living language to English but I scored this quote aboute our common language:
The problem with defending the purity of the English language is that English is about as pure as a cribhouse whore. We don't just borrow words; on occasion, English has pursued other languages down alleyways to beat them unconscious and rifle their pockets for new vocabulary. -James D. Nicoll

Any amount of time spent at Wikipedia leads me all over the place inside that site. It truly is astounding how much information is there and it continues to grow constantly. For instance, who had any idea there is an English, Indiana? And that after the six floods between 1955 and 1990 it was decided to relocate the town? I would never have know that. Well may father might eventually bring it up but I doubt it.

Futhermore, the article on Hoosier is quite interesting (a Hoosier is someone from Indiana if you're not familiar with the term). I take great delight in the fact that there is no definitive origin of the word. In fact it makes me somewhat proud to be of Hoosier descent.

Saturday, July 23, 2005

Things I've seen this week

nick playing

alex
Originally uploaded by surly monkey.
All week it seems that Surly Pump Monkey has suffered from neglect on my part. For this all that can be said is this: I've been busier than I ever expected to be. As has been mentioned before, there was some very late nights for this little monkey and most of them were work related. The funny thing is, not that many years ago it was a regular occurrence. A delivery shift at Brooklynn's could easily end a 2:30 am.

Last night American Relay played at Levelz. At some point before the show they asked if Sam and myself could work the door. Sure, why not. The only bummer would be missing part of their set. It turns out that was quite all right. Because through the window, I got to see a hippie fight and damn I wish I would have my camera at that moment. Two things, if it weren't for an interloper foot someone's head would have been smashed into the concrete and the fight was over a U2 CD.

Strolling to work the other morning I couldn't help to eavesdrop on a father yelling at his kid about having "half a bike...it's garbage you little shit!" True it was just a frame but I can just imagine what kind of plans that kid had for that frame. Way to crush your kid's dreams pops.

And today walking by the Silverthorne skatepark, a man was pulling a wagon with his child and a miniature poodle. The thing is the poodle was standing in front of the wagon with the little poodle butt right in the kids face. And not just once did this pass by but twice.

Damn I need to be writing this stuff down as it happens. Or at least taking pictures.

The moon, the moon, the moon


the moon, the moon, the moon
Originally uploaded by surly monkey.
Sometime very late last night I decide to bust out the tripod and try to get a decent photo of the moon. This is one of several that I took. And I think it came out ok. The moon was quite amazing last night. It didn't come out so well in the photo but there was a yellowish tint in the moon for the entire night.

It seems that the moon at times has some kind of power over me. Maybe it's the gravitational pull or perhaps it's the luminescence, I couldn't say. Seemingly this pull is more powerful during the full moon portion of the lunar cycle, which makes sense being that is when the moon is at it's brightest. This pull is more than a visual attraction. For me there is a physical compulsion to go outside and bathe in the moonlight and take pictures apparently. Many a full moon (or night after) there will be a camera and a tripod with me out in the moonlight. Just five minutes ago there was another camera, tripod and one night after full moon.

If it's night and clear, quickly go outside and look at the moon.

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

A night with the brown bottle

What is it about the brown liquors that make me feel so good? It's another whiskey night here at the Monkey House. Apparently I've ingested a fair amount or at least that is what my fingers tell me when I try to type. But what the hell, I've got a cool British Sea Power song playing in the headphones. It helps make up for the fact that I should have gone to bed hours ago. I spent close to fifteen hours at work yesterday making copies in reference to a town in Texas I never want to see the name of again as long as I live. In the last three days I've work more than thirty hours, which is great because can use that time to go Vegas this fall to celebrate my birthday.

other than that there is a lot of disjointedness that is making my head spin. Scotty is dead and his ashes are going into space (and thank you for that). And maybe the Brits were aware that an Iraqi invasion might just piss off some Arabs. Well at least some of them over on the other side of the pond will admit to that possibility.

And on top of all that; I've discovered a great band, Mates of State, who hail from the Bay Area (Paradox? You heard/seen these guys?). Anyway, check out the song "Along for the Ride". I'm out in a whiskey haze.

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

A vast wasteland

Television at some point in 1961 was described as a "vast wasteland". And that was long before cable. It seems that the same phrase could apply to the Internet (don't get me wrong I actually like those sites). To find things of value one has to know where to look. Simple facts are easy to find but if you want something more obscure or even detailed you really have to refine a search. Google is great for what it does but when it comes down to narrowing a search to what you may be looking for, it does have it's limitations. Vivisimo has some potentional as it offers clustered (or grouped) results which can seem to help. I haven't played around with Vivisimo enough to really get a feel for it but I am going to add it to my list of search engines. Hopefully it can help me take the wastleland out of "vast wasteland".

One occupation I don't want

Once I entertained the idea of going to law school. For about five minutes. And after tonight, I'm glad I stopped considering it after those five minutes. At work we are doing this massive copying job for an party which will remain nameless. It's for an upcoming lawsuit and is a rather tedious job, these people never met a staple they didn't love but that's beside the point. Anyway we are basically copying anything for them that relates to the project in question. I wouldn't be surprised if we're close to ten thousand copies already. There are large boxes of the stuff. And the reading looks like the most drudgingly boring collection of material I've ever seen. Someone is going to spend the rest of the summer in a room with all of these boxes and quite likely it will be a lawyer. Now, I don't mind reading, in fact I enjoy it but that is not what I want to read. Ever. If that is what entails being a lawyer, no wonder they charge so much per hour. I'd probably want to off myself if I knew I wasn't getting paid enough to read through all of that stuff.

Monday, July 18, 2005

Out of touch

It seems that there is so much going on in the world and yet I have so little to say about it. For one there is the whole Karl Rove outing Valerie Plame thing that is being covered quite well at Politcal Animal. As much as I want to see Karl Rove "frog marched" to jail, I can't really do a good job of describing what has been going on.

I haven't really been able to listen to All Things Considered in a while, so I feel a little out of touch. On top of that I haven't read a real newspaper in almost as long. And now the local freebie doesn't count. If it wasn't for the Internet I would have no idea what was going on in the outside world. The sad thing is I think I can feel the current events part of my brain shriveling from lack of input. The one way I have of trying to correct this is by turning the radio to NPR at night and hope that I absorb news by osmosis. All of this just because I refuse to watch television news.

There is this idea I have that the true purpose of television is to provide fiction for our lives. Hence the reason I don't watch television news. Programs loosely based on reality tend to bother me. In this age of unlimited information, why should I rely on three or four behemoths to provide me with said information?

Watching TV, it seems to me, should be for entertainment purposes. And if one learns something while watching televison? Well, that's great. I'm not a channel surfer when left to my own devices, I tend to stick with one show until it's over. Not only that but I have been know just to leave it on one channel for the duration of a TV viewing evening. Of course, anymore it just seems to be background noise and so there is the attempt to replace TV with music. On that note, I'm going to go listen to Built to Spill

Sunday, July 17, 2005

Sorry...I was out

Sometimes you just have to leave, so yesterday I did. So off to Ft. Collins I went. I am not going to bitch about how hot it is here any more that's for sure. This guy would never survive in Arizona I can tell you that.

Other than the heat it was great to get out of Steamboat even if just for a night. I got to see some good friends and meet some new people. There was even a boost for my self-confidence when I met a few women who genuinely seemed interested in talking to me. Wow, it had been awhile. Hell, one of them even sought me out after the initial conversation. That never happens here. I tend to forget how different the world can be even just three hours away.

In addition I was able to find some material goods that I just can't seem to find here.

Tonight was a Plagiarists show. More on that later.

Thursday, July 14, 2005

Solitary

As many people in my life know, I've been alone (in the nonfriends way) for a long time. The truth of the matter is, I haven't tried that hard to do something about the situation. Although it seems that around here, if you try that hard you come across as desperate. I may be lonely but I'm not desperate, there are things that occupy my life. Of course, looking at that last sentence makes me think I could be wrong. The real problem is I just don't know where to meet women in this town (and the ratio doesn't help), I truly don't like hanging out in bars. Which could explain why I'm always writing this during bar time. And yet it seems that the only place to meet new people in this town is bars. Maybe the random show or two, but those take place in bars as well. So for now I'll just sit in front of my computer listening to Internet radio and gripe about how I can't meet anyone. Which is a total copout that I'm well aware of.

The scary thing is, I don't really mind doing what I'm doing right now. I think I've finally tipped the scales of cynicism in relation to the opposite sex when it comes to this town and I've come to the conclusion that I just don't care (although if I truly didn't care I wouldn't even mention it). It could be that I'm just not cool enough for the women of this town but I'm not convinced of that. Although after getting shot down so many times maybe I am convinced and haven't accepted it yet. Apparently, I've become resigned to the fact that as long as I remain living here in Steamboat Springs, I will be alone. Which is just another reason of several to leave as soon as I can do it right.

As much as I think I don't care, the truth is I hate being alone and it scares me as much as the fact that I don't care.

Idiots

The great thing about the Internet is that it can be like watching Jerry Springer without actually having to look at the television. Although this first one could be found in some papers, this guy managed to impregnate not just his girlfriend before he went to jail. Read it, I think he qualifies as a doofus.

Not only that but the California National Guard has once again pulled another boneheaded move. Those guys really need to take a look at their organization I think. Either that or all of the bright ones were sent to Mess O'Potamia.

And I'm not even going to bother with the ones I encounter on a daily basis in the real world (although there are fewer since switching jobs).

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

Live

While I was listening to Bloc Party tonight, I decided to cruised over to their website to see if they may might be playing the States soon. Apparently, I missed every single one of their US dates but I was pleased to discover that NPR had made an entire concert available for downloading. For free no less (although if have a few bucks you should always donate to NPR). Sweet! It really isn't the best live recording I've ever heard and the guitar is a little muffled. On the other hand I am really happy to hear that when they play live, it sounds a lot like the album. To me, this means the album wasn't a lot of studio magic. I've been disappointed more than once by magical studio bands who just can't pull it off live. Now I know that the next time these guys hit the States, I am making an effort to see them. Check it out and if you like it, buy the album.

The best song, ever.

So I've been sitting here trying to figure out what is be best rock song ever. The truth of the matter is I don't think I will come up with the answer. There is just so many to choose from in my case and I'd have to draw the line somewhere, whether by date, genre, style or who know what else. There are a few that come to mind but none of them to me could ever be "the best song, ever" And that's not even counting genres other than rock. Furthermore, just what is rock? Does that include all forms of guitar based multiple chord, feedback abusing music. Does punk count as rock? Metal? Or does rock refer to a point in modern music that doesn't exist anymore? Does rock include Hip-Hop? They do share common roots. Rock (and Roll) is at least fifty years old by now and I'm sure there were people doing it even further back. Anyway I realized tonight that I never did share my playlist with you, my faithful readers. So here you go:
I Walk the Line - Johnny Cash
I'm The Man Who Loves You - Wilco
Andalucia - Crooked Fingers
Wrapped Up In Books - Belle & Sebastian
Fly Around My Pretty Little Miss - Built to Spill
Mated - Lungfish
I Am A Tree - Guided By Voices
The View - Modest Mouse
This Mystic Decade - Hot Snakes
Drunken Butterfly - Sonic Youth
Luno - Bloc Party
Pain - The Pharcyde
If It Wasn't For You - Handsome Boy Modeling School
Madness - Deltron
Greenery - Quasimoto
Shadows Of Tomorrow - Madvillian
Little Fluffy Clouds - The Orb

That is what I picked for the paper. I really needed about fifty to do it justice as didn't even include Fugazi which is definitely one of my all time favorites. Although they just have too many songs to just pick one. Although other than a couple of songs I limited it too within the last five years or so. But I think I managed to hit a lot of stuff other than top 40 which sucks no matter what.

Monday, July 11, 2005

Robots among us

Ever since junior high (at least) I've had a fascination with artificial life, mostly in the form of robots, cyborgs (cyborg are debatable as they are still partially organic), androids and the like. Before the first (newest) Star Wars movies came out, in my mind I have a concept built around R2D2 and C3PO. Something about how they were the actually the narrators of the trilogy. I think it has to do with the fact in many of the scenes of the original trilogy the droid are present while the other main characters aren't. Even when Luke finds Yoda on Dagobah, who is with him? R2D2. In addition they provide a bit of comic relief throughout all six movies.

However, what could quite possibility be my favorite film featuring artificial life is Blade Runner. Maybe it's just the dark texture of the film or maybe it is the sense that there are some rather important questions that are left unanswered at the end. The big one being, is Deckard a replicant? The darkness (some reviews say noir but I'm not a film historian or reviewer) is all encompassing to the point that when there is bright light it is almost painful to the viewer.

Of course there are many other movies featuring artificial life including the Terminator trilogy, The Black Hole, Robocop (I know, he is a cyborg) and Spaceballs. And many of them seem rather good to me.

What this all leads up to though, is that in the last few days I have discovered an awesome Internet short that features robotic law enforcement officers (the actual clip link is on the right side of the page). Not only is it an interesting take on the possible present or near future but the rendering is amazing. If you were to show this to someone who is not very technological inclined they may think it is real. Quite possibly one of the coolest things I seen online in a long time.

Sunday, July 10, 2005

Home Improvements

Apparently today was a productive day around the house. Juli and I stained the deck and did it rather quickly at that. We managed to use the entire can of stain so there is only one coat but it was more to get the manager off our backs anyway. Sam built a gate/fence out of all of his old skis to hide the contents of the backyard. That guy better leave us alone now.

Score one for the house dork. After a couple of tries I was able to make that router I fished out of the trash to work. Not only that but I even got it to work on with my wireless card. If the battery worked on my laptop I could be writing this from my room. The one thing I'm not sure is if I left the wireless network open to outside users. I'm not too worried as I'm probably the only person in this trailer park that has a remote clue about open wireless networks.

Saturday, July 09, 2005

Life in the park

Why didn't the lifeguard save the drowning hippie? He was too far out, man.

Yeah, that's bad and there are some that are even worse. But I'll spare everyone.

Going outside to smoke has one disadvantage here where I live. There is this streetlight directly across the road that has this horrible buzz. Some of you may have heard this racket. The thing is, it's the only one streetlight in the trailer park (yep, I live in a trailer) that makes this sound, all of the others have the normal hum of a sodium light. There have been many nights of discussion of us just going out there and shooting out the cursed thing (and yes we are armed, so don't try any funny stuff). Currently the debate is about which weapon we should use. I say go for the .22, it's a hell of a lot quieter than a 12 gauge shotgun. And of course we missed out chance the other night on July 4th. No one would have had any idea that it was a .22 and some may have thanked us.

Speaking of the trailer park, the current manager seems to have a bit of Napoleon Complex. If fact I suspect he really wanted to be a cop st some point. Lately, we've seen him doing the figure eight loop thru the hood. And now we've received our second notice about upkeep, so now we have to hide the stuff in the backyard that can't be seen from the road and paint the deck/porch/steps. I realize that I live in the Valley of God's gift to Real Estate, but it's a trailer park for crying out loud. So now we're just thinking of the most garish color to paint the steps we can think of .

I guess it doesn't really apply to me as I don't own the place but still, I call overkill.

Friday, July 08, 2005

Getting my geek on

Some point soon I get to play geek here in the house. Of course I am the household tech support but my skills are limited. Today at work I found a US Robotics wireless router in the trash and soon I am going to try and set up our house on it. If this works, now more swapping the Ethernet cable when we want to use a different computer. Thank goodness it's an all Apple house, I couldn't imagine if it were both or even all three platforms. Even though I have no idea what I'm doing, I actually enjoy trying to figure out things like that. Although there may really be a reason that the router was in the trash.

On a completely unrelated note. If you're on high speed you and want to listen to some cool radio, check out Soma FM. They have seven channels that are all good. My two favorite are Indy Poprocks and Secret Agent. Right now as I'm listening to Indy Poprocks, are playing an awesome Weakerthans song.

Today one of my coworkers ask me what my favorite kind of music was and I couldn't come up with a good answer. In hindsight, that may be a good thing as I'm not tied to one genre. It helps that my most formative years were spent listening to (in sequential order) true country, punk and hip-hop. Which also eventually led me down the road to a bit of jazz and some classical (although I have centuries worth to catch up with in the classical realm). To this day there are only a few types of music I just can't stand, unfortunately those types seem to sell the most records. Well jam bands don't sell that much overall and they drive me apeshit. But modern country and top 40 do and most of it is utter tripe. And in the case of Top 40, it hasn't really changed since the mid 90's. Whatever, I'm just one older guy who may be stuck in my ways.

I bow my head

To those who lost loved ones in London today: no matter what, your people did not deserve to die like that. Before I go to bed I'll light a candle and say a prayer for the people of London. And if I would have been writing this thing in September of 2001 and March of 2004 I would say the same thing for those in New York, DC and Madrid.

Thursday, July 07, 2005

Something smells fishy

Something is seems to be going on at the California National Guard, according to some things I've managed to stumble across this evening. Apparently the CANG set up an intelligence unit that ended up spying on peace activitists. This reminds me of the Denver Police spy files controversy that erupted several years ago. The one difference is that the DPD had files going back many years while this CANG group was recently started. My question everytime something like this pops up; why not go after people who actually pose a threat or break the laws we have? Or is it just to east to build files on non-violent demonstrators? Ah, life in GWB's America.

If there's more too this, keep your eyes peeled.

Maybe I poured too much

I'm looking at this oversized glass of bourbon that I poured myself and wondering if this one will be the death of me. Actually I'm quite sure that it won't but the thought is there. It was another one of those nights where I slowly try to get more and more of my CD collection stored on my hardrive. Who had any idea that ten plus years of CD gathering would lead to so many CD's?

A story: At one point I had CD's that I don't have now (good ones too). This was before I moved to Colorado. Actually the CD's were in Indiana when I first came, stored at a now long ago ex-girlfriend's house. It seems I owed her money and the day I sent off the money she decided to sell off my entire CD collection. A few of those CD's I've come to find out are irreplaceable such as one certain Ramones tribute album. At some point in the summer of 1994 I started my CD collection from scratch except for the few I had brought with me. A word to the wise, if you leave town and don't know when you are coming back; keep your music at your parents house.

I have no idea where that came from. But if anyone still has that Ramones tribute on Triple X records, burn me a copy and let me know.

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

Are you hungry?

So if you have a high speed connection and Quicktime, these videos are entertaining. Starvin with Louis is their name, and cheap ass (and quite possibly nasty) receipes are their game. Check it out if you're so inclined. But make sure you can hear it.

Waking up is hard to do

I really don't like waking up early to go to work. Even though I get out earlier and have part of an afternoon left, I'm just worthless by the time I get home. When I get home I just want to take a nap but it's too hot in the summer. Wah, I know I'm just a pathetic whiner. The truth is, I think I'm wired to stay up late at night and sleep late. The night keeps me alive, let all of the others live during the day. Not that I'm a vampire and I find that people that claim they are vampires irritate me as much as anything else.

The thing is, I can't make myself go to bed early enough when I have to wake up early. Seriously, I can't remember the last time I went to bed before midnight other than after driving for twenty hours straight. I can try but most likely I'll just lay there for a few hours.

Monday, July 04, 2005

Happy Independence Day...And let's keep it that way

They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety.
-Benjamin Franklin

As this is the day of us Americans Independence (well actually it's just the day that the Declaration of Independence was signed but who cares) I would suggest we all take a moment to reflect what makes this country the way it is (or should be). One way to do this is by at least skimming the U.S. Constitution. Believe it or not, just by skimming you're one step ahead from most of your fellow citizens.

If you're really inclined you could read parts of it to your friends and family, which I always feel I should do but never really follow through.

Oh yeah, and don't forget to enjoy the fireworks.

Update: In the spirit of historical accuracy, July 4th is actually the day the Declaration of Independence was ratified not signed. See here for more details and a nice history of the document. Furthermore, the year 1776 is somewhat contentious for a few people. Some would say 1783 should be the year we celebrate the birth of the U.S. as that's the year the British recognized our independence. Still others would argue that 1788 should be the year as that's when the U.S. Constitution was adopted. Take your pick. Thanks for setting me straight Paradox.

History

It appears that there is a new movie coming out in the tradition of Dogtown and Z-boys. This time it is a history of BMX biking entitled Joe Kid on a Stingray The History of BMX. The preview seems pretty damn interesting and I definitely would like to see this flick. It looks pretty all encompassing from the beginning to now. Keep your eyes peeled.

On a somewhat related note, I really wished that I owned Fruit of the Vine which is another moment of history shot on film. It's about pool skating and is shot completely on Super-8 film. I've only seen it once but it is the flick that got me wanting to skate again (and I am one shitty skater). Like I told my brother, it is art and if you can find it watch it or buy it. Even if you've never put a foot on a skateboard it'll make you want to skate a little bit.

It's coming back

For the last week or so I've had this overwhelming sense of dread when I wake up in the morning. It's not a fear of the world or anything and in fact I know what is causing it. Genetically, I'm prone to depression, several members of my family have it and I know that I have bouts of it. So what's happening is I'm beginning another bout of it. Which kind of sucks, because other than pharmaceuticals there isn't much in the way of treatment. There is talk therapy which has it's benefits and if this continues I may have to do that again. Personally, I don't want to use pharmaceuticals as I've self medicated enough with marijuana over the years and that just made me completely numb to everything.

It seems that the only option for me is to ride it out and try not to dwell on it.

Maybe it's just apprehension about the new job and getting used to a different kind of schedule. But I suspect it's more than that. In fact I know it is. I am really lonely. There are friends in my life that care deeply about me and I them (I may not be the best at expressing that) but friends can only provide a certain level of companionship. The sad thing is I've completely given up on forming any kind of deeper relationships (with women) than that of friends. This isn't necessarily by choice but seemingly by circumstance. I realize I don't put forth enough effort but getting shot down so many times will do that to a fellow.

Yet there's more to it than that. And that's the stuff I can't put my finger on. The stuff that lays beneath the surface is what fills me with that sense of dread in the mornings. The same things that want to make me stay at home and stare at my computer and avoid the outside world. The nameless misfiring chemicals in my brain that do this to me every so often.

I don't know what the real answer or cause is but I'm not that excited to be here again.

Friday, July 01, 2005

Flashing Back

Tonight was spent importing several hours of The Orb onto my hardrive. For those of you who aren't familiar, The Orb is a trance group from England. My first exposure to them was when I was going to raves back in college. This kind of music sometimes still stirs a desire to take psychedelics, I haven't touched the stuff in years but trance has that appeal to this day. Not to date myself but when I was attending raves the drug of choice was still LSD. We had barely heard of Ecstacy, it was still considered an exotic drug and hard to come by (especially in Indiana). On the other hand as busy as the music is I find it is some of the best to listen to while trying to fall asleep. I suspect it is the mellow tempo.

I haven't been to a rave in close to fifteen years and every once in a while I wonder what they are like. Not only that but if I were to go to one would I be one of the oldest people there?