For a long time I've had this suspicion that I'm destined to spend my life alone. Alone in the sense that I will have no true partner in life, someone to share the intimate portions of life. Most of the time it seems that I'm ok with that. The only time that I'm not is when I've tricked myself into thinking that this is not the case. There are times when I lie to myself, and allow myself to believe that there is a chance I may not have to spend myself alone. These are the times that I open myself up, thinking what I know is true is not and eventually get the equivalent of a dagger in my heart.
Oh when will I learn to accept that I am to be alone?
But tonight, I think for the first time I heard what the reason is that I am destined to be alone. I am not attractive. This is what I heard: "I'm not attracted to you, I tried, I really tried."
This is the key I think. For whatever reason, I am not attractive to the other sex. And it's not that I look like some kind of ogre. But I don't think it has anything to do with looks. I'm not a jerk, and the sad thing is, I think to be attractive as a man you have to be a jerk. So I guess either I'm going to be alone or I need to learn how to be more of a jerk.
I want to be a robot.
