What I saw Tuesday morning

What I saw Tuesday morning
Originally uploaded by surly monkey

So my deskmate has decided to attempt to lightly prank me until the shift change in honor of my leaving.

The truth is it's pretty funny. Monday I came into work and my screen was covered with post-it notes with some bizarre smiley face drawn on them. Today I can in to a completely clean desk (and I have a messy desk, with papers strewn everywhere) and the screen protector pictured. And I have this sinking feeling I'm going to show up to work tomorrow to find my desk covered in some kind of tent-like structure.

As much as I dislike my job, I actually do kind of enjoy it. Or at least the people I work with. Currently, I'm on a really good team. When it is slow enough to actually speak to one another we all get along really well. And there is a lot of joking around and flipping of the bird. Now if we didn't have those pesky customers to deal with.

I may have mentioned this before but for as crappy as my job is, I'm actually good at it. And I do get a sense of satisfaction when I do get someone back online or get their phone working. As cheap of thrill that may be. I like the troubleshooting aspects of the job, the part I really don't like is how were supposed to hold the hand of the customers and having to apologize on every call.

It gotten to the point that I'm thinking I'm going to consider looking for the same type of work when I get to Indiana (yes, I'm sticking with my plan). Although hopefully without the digital phone. That's just a pain in the ass. I might even start naming names when I finally quit.

King of carrot flowers

It must be pretty easy to throw me for a loop, because I keep getting thrown for one. Right before I got on the phones today, I got a call that had me thinking all day about whether or not to change my plans. And now I'm not exactly sure where I'm at now and what is the best for me. And at this point doing what is best for me has to be the most important thing. For too long I've neglected to take care of myself and it's high time to start.

What the best for me is hard for me to figure out sometimes. I'm just not used to thinking about it. the flipside of this is I probably come across of not caring about other people so much. There is probably a correlation here. One of those take care of yourself first then care for others kind of things or something. I do know that my first impulse is not always the best thing for me, which is why I find myself biting my tongue quite a bit.

I find myself torn between a fantasy of what could be and what is more likely the truth (whatever that it is (stupid postmodern world)). Of course, nobody but Nostradamus can predict the future (and he's been dead for a while). So I can't really say what would happen in the future. And that brings it all back to making these decisions based on what I think and feel is best for me. So that's what I've got to do.

Back in the 2nd home again

Tonight I'm in Steamboat and somewhat wondering what drove my decision not to come back here. But I know exactly why. As much as I loved it here, I know that if I were to come back I would just stagnate like I was when I was here. The truth is, while I was here I was stuck in my twenties, even though I am well into my thirties (and slightly approaching forty). I'm ready to move on from that.

There are a lot of aspects that I'm going to miss about this place. I have some deep roots here that I could return to if I wanted. But it is time to move on. And I already miss the views. I'd almost forgotten just how awesome they really were.

The good news is that someday I'll be able to come back here for a vacation once in a while. And there will always be someone here who has a couch that I can crash on.

Closer

The last couple of weekends have been spent traveling around trying to get my goodbyes in. I'm starting to get this sinking feeling that I'm not going to get everyone in that I want to.

I guess that's probably the way it works. You always miss someone. Goodbyes aren't my strong suit to begin with. and this time around I don't know if I'll be seeing some of these people ever again.

Although I was able to pull the surprise show for the Plagarists show last weekend. And they were surprised, thankfully everyone kept the secret.

It's all starting to become real, that I am in fact leaving Colorado. The stack of boxes in my room is further proof if this.

The funny thing is, right now my coworkers are jealous that I'm quitting, even though I'll be unemployed. Geez, I think that place is starting to suck even more (I didn't even really notice).

Looking back

As the time for me to head back to Indiana draws nearer, I find myself thinking about and attempting to reconnect with my past. Part of this is just the act of going around the state and trying to find those who have had an impact or otherwise played a part in getting me to this point in my life. I also have found myself contact those in Indiana (and elsewhere) that I've been out of touch with. Partially for selfish reasons, so I can have more people to hang out with when I get there. But there is another part and that is I may owe some of these people an apology. Mostly for just dropping out of sight and contact for however long it's been.

I'm not sure if I need to apologize for something like that but I do feel a twinge of guilt when I think about having just kind of disappeared all of those years ago.

There are also those that I delibertaly cut off contact with for whatever reasons sounded good to me at the time. Those are the ones I probably really do owe some kind of contrition too. I"m not sure what form it should take or if I even really need to do so after all of this time.

The only thing I know is that I can't change the past no matter how much I may want to. The only thing I can do is try to do the right thing in the now. I try not to worry so much about the past because of this but it's hard not to do sometimes.

I don't even know if I have regrets, and I don't know if even if I cuold if I would change anything about the past. It did make me what I am today after all.

Skunks (again I'm sure)

Sitting here with the screen door wide open I can smell the skunk that's been hanging around here for the couple of weeks. Something is setting off this critter almost every night (of course I'm not sure if it's the same one, it smells like the same one). My guess it would be a dog that sets the skunk off. Thankfully, where ever he sprayed wasn't that close to here but I feel sorry for the schmuck who owns that yard where he did spray.

There was a time when I had this thing for skunks. As in I was reading up about keeping skunks as pets and the like. I actually think they are fascinating creatures and oh so curious.

I've never been able to get a picture of one and honestly I'm a bit leery to do so. It seems the only time I see them are at night and I have this suspicion that the flash might just get me sprayed. I really don't want that to happen.

When I lived in the trailer park, in the summer I'd go outside to smoke and every night at about the same time there was a skunk that would makes his rounds from trailer to trailer and trash can to trash can. I really enjoyed watching that guy. The funny thing is, he would check me out every night and I'd alway just say hi to him. After that he'd move on and go about his business.

I'm not even sure if there are skunks in Indiana.

Geekery

Sometimes when there is time between calls at work I find myself clicking through digg, Which is a cross between a social networking and group bookmarking site. What happens is that I sometimes run across really cool stuff like Human Brain Cloud which is a multi-player free associations "game". It can be slightly addicting. Basically, it gives you a word or phrase and you type what comes to your mind first.

There's a part of me that misses when the Internet was new and exciting. Believe it or not there was a time when you could use the Internet with on web browser. I still remember when I figured out how I could email people outside of the Ball State Nodes (mostly to my brother down at IU). That was cool. Not to say I don't like what the Internet has become, that I can store as many photos as I want at Flickr is pretty freaking awesome. Or that Gmail has pretty much unlimited storage. That's cool as well. But there was a sense back in the day of a secret knowledge if you will. No you have to program to get that.

I think I just established that I'm a geek (actually I took a"How geek are you" quiz today and I got 61%). But whatever, someday it'll come in handy. You watch.

The view

This weekend will hopefully be the start of my going around this state and getting my goodbyes out. And hit the skate parks I've enjoyed over the years.

As much as I'm over Colorado, I will miss this state quite a bit. I don't think the scenery can really be beat here, and Indiana sure doesn't have quite the vistas and starkness that Colorado can have. When I first got here, it blew me away just how insignificant these mountains here can make one feel. I'd spent part of my summers as a kid in the mountains of Pennsylvania but that never prepared me for what I saw when I first got here. I still remember the first time I got a glimpse of the Rockie Mountains, I was on the Greyhound outside of Limon (I now think it was Pike's Peak that I saw, perhaps Long's). It was off in the distance but still amazing.

Indiana doesn't have those overwhelming views of natural scenery. Not to say there isn't natural beauty there. I've seen places in Indiana that are as beautiful and peaceful as Colorado. Just not on as immense of scale.

My point here? I don't know if I really have one. Other than I don't regret having spent a large chunk of my life so far here. And I'm not ruling coming back to Colorado but I doubt it will be a town that ends in Springs.

It's the end

About a week ago I had my first session with a psychologist. Even before these recent turn of events I was considering starting to see one. If it's not been obvious over the last few years, I suffer from depression. Up until I got back from vacation I thought I had it under control with medication but I wanted to get some other stuff going on in my head taken care of.

As with any health practitioner, the first meeting is mostly working up a profile. Questions about medical history and mental health history. What surprised me (and shouldn't have) were all the questions about suicide. The thing about that is, I'm not sure if I think about killing myself that much. Most of my thoughts of suicide are not thoughts of doing it but disembodied voices in my head saying "he killed himself". It's been years since I've even remotely considered killing myself (and my firearm is staying in the box it's packed away in). but that other line goes through my head quite a bit when I'm in a heightened emotional state like I am currently. I'm not sure I really get it.

There were some other interesting things the shrink said I might consider looking at inside myself. Such has the fact that there does seem to be a pattern to the women I tend to get involved with. He's not the first person to mention that either.

I'm just bummed that I'm only going to be able to get a few sessions in before I leave for Indiana and my health insurance ends.

Confusion

One of the things I've never figured out in life is to when to bite my tongue or not. I usually default to biting my tongue when when doubt. Lately, I've been doing a lot of tongue biting. And my tongue is really starting to hurt.

This situation that I'm in right now is one of those times where I can't decide whether spewing forth all the pent up anger and frustration at the person I'm feeling it toward id even worth bothering. What goes through my mind is this something I'm going to regret more for saying what's really on my mind or am I going to regret the fact that I said it? And I sure as hell can't answer that question right now.

The big question, are these feelings of anger and frustration even really directed at this other person or am I just pissed about my own inadequacies?

I'm not sure if my head is even screwed on straight these days. I'm told that I am the only person that can let people affect (or is it effect, I always get those two confused) the way I feel. I'm not sure if I buy that anymore. It kind of seems like a cop out for people to be crappy to other people.

Like I have any answers at this point in my life.

Live long and prosper.

Blah

Abandoned House, Trinadad CO
Originally uploaded by surly monkey

I hate it when I obsess about stuff I really have no control over. For the last two weeks, I've felt like I have little say or control in what's happening around me. I came back from a vacation in Indiana and my life turned upside down the night I got back. The simple non-detailed explanation is that the wedding is off and I'm moving back to Indiana alone. There is quite a bit more to it but that's it for now.

I'm left with a lot of anger that I don't exactly know how to channel. There's a host of other feelings, such as betrayal and loss.

I've accepted the situation for what it is. That doesn't mean I have to deny feeling like crap about what has happened and I have a right to what feelings I'm experiencing right now.

Someday maybe I can get the lessons I'm supposed to learn from this. Right now I've got no idea what I'm supposed to be learning from this. Other than starting over once again. At least this time I'll be around my family and some friends I've had for years.