Booze vs. Pills

I'm down to one prescription. And I'm trying to get my dosage back down. Unfortunately it's a sleeping pill to combat my chronic insomnia. Back when I had work that didn't require as much brain power as the one I have now, there was a certain drug that could be purchased on the black market that took care of the insomnia. It doesn't seem that I can use that one anymore on days that I have to go to work as it leaves me really fuzzy. And I'm not always that great with how it makes me feel. Booze works but then there are the hangovers. But that's what I'm doing this week. Trying to find that happy medium of alcohol that well let me sleep but not make me too drunk that it hurts in the morning.

Preferably, I wouldn't self-medicate but a sleepless night is worse that a few nights of light drinking. And I've found that scotch seems to be the best, I feel pretty clean and rested in the morning after a two or three rocks glasses. Tonight it's wine and beer. The goal here is to not take the pills for a week so my tolerance decreases back to what it was when I first started them. I realize it's not the best solution but for now it's seems to be working.

At least I'm off the other medication, which I really think was causing more problems than fixing. It was an antidepressant that I sort of let myself get talked in starting. I mentioned in an email tonight to a friend that I think I actually feel better off of it than I did when I was on it. Yeah, I'm susceptible to bouts of depression and those bouts suck but I always realize that at some point it will go away. The meds work great for some people and when those meds work for who they are supposed to, that's great. I'm probably just not one of them. Or at least at this point.

The one drawback of using booze as a sleep aid is getting online. I end up inadvertently sending emails and posting comments that I normally wouldn't. In fact, last night I think I may have accidentally asked a someone out through a social network comment. Although, if she agrees then that wouldn't be such a bad thing.

The cold spot on the bathroom floor

I finished my smoke in the bathroom, stood up to light the incense (to wash out the cigarette smell) and put my foot in the cold spot where my scotch glass had been sitting. All of a sudden I realized I can feel again. Perhaps not the best way to come such a realization, with the glow of scotch warming me up but nonetheless it's there. For so long I've been completely numb to what's been going on inside me. Whether it was the medication that was doing that to me or I have just been suppressing everything, I'm not sure.

After getting over the first week of quitting the medication (which was a descent into obsessive hell) I've started feeling things again. And yeah, it's been both sides of the coin. I have my moments of darkness but on the same hand I can laugh again and it doesn't feel hollow. It probably doesn't hurt that the sun is out again and I've attempted to be outside, whether just walking around or riding my bike (I still haven't been skating like I should be).

Another thing about going off the meds is I've been doing a bit more introspection, not much but a bit more than before. And I can't decide anything. I've always been a fairly solitary person and for the most part that's fine. I can handle being alone. But there are moments when I want company. Then I ask myself is it worth it? Do I really want to go through that agonizing process of getting back out there and meeting people for the sake of having company when I am lonely? Or am I really just better off flying solo? After the last few relationships, I'm inclined to say in the long run I'm better off alone. At least if I'm alone I never have to go through the pain of the end of a relationship.

If I were fifteen years younger it wouldn't be a problem. But those days are long gone. And that's something I accepted a long time ago.

Softer this time

After heeding my brother's concern I decided to delete last night post and the comment that went with it (and there are so few of those these days). But they were both correct to have expressed their concerns to me. And I glad that I have the kind of siblings who are afraid to tell me I've stepped over a line.

What I think I was trying to say is that in a completely irrational way, is that there is a part of me that would like to know that people who cause me pain will end getting the same kind and then some. The pain I'm talking here it the emotional roller coaster that I still find myself ridding at the age of 36. Part of growing up was to be that you get figure this stuff out faster as you get older.

Or so I was lead to believe. As you get older and you meet people who are older than you and they don't seem to have figured much out. Although sometimes people like that are a good milepost to see which direction one is heading. For instance, when we're out the other night some older drunk guy dame up to us and told us a pretty lame joke. I think to myself, I really don't want to end up like him. The sad thing is, I'm not so sure how close I could wind up being like him. I know I'd have to really start drinking a lot more cheap beer and even cheaper whiskey. And lose a few more teeth.

So for those of you that read this deleted post. I was rambling. Instead of doing anything about it by way of a grand shceme, I'm going to leave it alone. And may try to develop subtle mind control powers. That would be far more satisfactory. And it could become a hobby.

Don't worry about me, I'll be fine. I just started certain parts of the grieve process a bit late that's all.

Three days

Now that I have three days off in a row, I'm not really sure what to do with myself. Today I had to make myself find things to do, although I did go skate for the first time in months (I can already feel the winter weight dropping). I have this feeling I'm going to have to start leaving town more often just so I don't consume myself with boredom and obsession. I found myself consumed with thought today that I really didn't want in my head. Which lead to me going out and finding things to do. I finally had to give Jeremy a call and say "I'm bored, let's go get a drink." Thankfully that was at a respectable hour.

I did come to the conclusion at the skatepark today that I am really out of shape again. So I guess I'm going to have to start hitting the parks again. Which having three days off will help with this, I can head down to Trinidad without feeling rushed. And I have until the beginning of June to have the parks to myself or at least me and the other old farts.

One thing I've noticed after I quit taking the meds is that I seem to obsess about things that I didn't before. My guess is that the particular medication I was one evened me out to the point where that wasn't even really an option. Wow, welcome to mental clarity or whatever. I don't regret my choice to go off them. I feel better for the most part, but having to stop myself from thinking certain things is a new thing again. I'm not going into detail about what I've been obsessing about, it's immature and unproductive at best. But it's weird, now I think it must have always been there and the meds were suppressing those thoughts.

Strangely, when I first started taking that medication it seemed that I was able to concentrate more than I was before. I'm not so sure now. Perhaps I just deluded myself into thinking that was a benefit of the meds. I know that it seemed to kill whatever creative spark I had left and that is part of the reason I stopped taking them (that and I was sick of the wicked hangovers after having just a couple of drinks). I'm still not of the woods yet, I suspect I have at least another week before they are completely out of my system.

I went on these drugs because I thought I was depressed and prone to depression. And I am prone to it and it sucks. But at this point I think I'd rather feel the whole thing than just be leveled out. I still have a stash if it ever seems to get too rough. But I think I can ride it out.

I think I'll go skate Canon City tomorrow.

Red Flags

So about two weeks ago, I got the phone number of a lady (I may have mentioned this). Finally last night I left a message on her machine. Part of the reason I waited so long to call was that there were a couple of red flags that popped up when I met her. After this last relationship there are a few things that I know I don't want to be involved with. One of those is alcoholics, recovering or active. And I suspect if this lady isn't an alcoholic, she may have a drinking problem at least. Admittedly, I've been know to go out and have a few drinks, or have a couple here at home. But I've never considered myself to be someone with a drinking problem.

Having said that, last night I was out at the bar by my house and the bartender asked me if I had done anything about her. He then proceeded to confirm my suspicions and tell me that I probably shouldn't even bother with her. Apparently she was in there before I was and her behavior was that of someone I want nothing to do with.

Seems my hesitation was the right call for this situation. Of course, now I'm starting at square one as far as potential people to date. Oh well, this is not the first time. I think I need to find some new places to met women.

Breaking the strings

It's been almost a week since I took the last pill. Not that quitting the antidepressants was a conscious choice. But after not taking them for four days and the worst to happen was a headache that the ibuprofen could take care of I think I'm just going to stop all together. I was out with the boys from work last night and one of them commented that I seem happier than I have in a while, perhaps as long as he's known me.

I was always wondered a bit as to why I agreed to be on them. There was a bit of peer pressure at the time, and one of my flaws is at times I succumb to peer pressure. And I guess at the time I thought I needed them. Perhaps they served their purpose but now I want to not be even keeled anymore. I actually want to know what things feel like.

With the break up several months behind me, I think I'm in the place to stop taking them. Oh sure, I may obsess about her at times but I'm pretty good about keeping that suppressed to begin with.

Of course, I still have my sleeping pills. For a night owl like me who has to be at work earlier and earlier, I doubt if I could sleep without them (actually I can, but it takes a different kind of self medication). And so I'll stay on those, the worst side effect the have is that I'm a touch groggy in the morning. But it's not something coffee can't take care off.

I've also decide that I'm going to spend a fair amount of my next three days off working on getting this place together. Mostly because my last trip out of town I dumped everything in the middle of the floor and still haven't moved much of it to where it really belongs. And I still have photos to hang up and music to figure out what to do with. Or at least a way to display it. And I need a chair. One that I can sit in and read or watch a movie. Preferably one that reclines (then I could fall asleep in it).

Oh well, starting Sunday I get three days in a row off for the first time ever.

Thunder Snow

It was dumping snow when I got out of work. Almost as soon as I walked out of the door there was a clap of thunder in the middle of this snowstorm. Just one clap but it was thunder. It's been years since I've heard thunder in the middle of a snowstorm and before today there was only one other time I'd experience such a thing.

It's sort of weird to hear thunder in a snowstorm. I suspect Colorado is one of the few places one can witness this type of thing. Before I came here I'd never heard of it. After I'd been here people would talk about it but it was several years before I ever heard it.

Part of me wishes it was a full on thunder snowstorm. Actually more than a part of me. That would have been pretty cool.

There is good news in my work thing as well. I've been reassigned to the helpdesk which means I'm off the phones for the most part. Now instead of dumb customers I mostly have to deal with dumb agents. But at least now I don't have to take random calls from irate customers. Other than having to call them back to let them know that we had to set up an all day window to get their digital telephone installed. The cool thing is that I'll be learning a bunch of new stuff. I'm not sure how practical it will be but it can't hurt.

Which also means no more telling people their phone or internet isn't working because they need tp plug their modem back in.