I finished my smoke in the bathroom, stood up to light the incense (to wash out the cigarette smell) and put my foot in the cold spot where my scotch glass had been sitting. All of a sudden I realized I can feel again. Perhaps not the best way to come such a realization, with the glow of scotch warming me up but nonetheless it's there. For so long I've been completely numb to what's been going on inside me. Whether it was the medication that was doing that to me or I have just been suppressing everything, I'm not sure.
After getting over the first week of quitting the medication (which was a descent into obsessive hell) I've started feeling things again. And yeah, it's been both sides of the coin. I have my moments of darkness but on the same hand I can laugh again and it doesn't feel hollow. It probably doesn't hurt that the sun is out again and I've attempted to be outside, whether just walking around or riding my bike (I still haven't been skating like I should be).
Another thing about going off the meds is I've been doing a bit more introspection, not much but a bit more than before. And I can't decide anything. I've always been a fairly solitary person and for the most part that's fine. I can handle being alone. But there are moments when I want company. Then I ask myself is it worth it? Do I really want to go through that agonizing process of getting back out there and meeting people for the sake of having company when I am lonely? Or am I really just better off flying solo? After the last few relationships, I'm inclined to say in the long run I'm better off alone. At least if I'm alone I never have to go through the pain of the end of a relationship.
If I were fifteen years younger it wouldn't be a problem. But those days are long gone. And that's something I accepted a long time ago.
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