Booze vs. Pills

I'm down to one prescription. And I'm trying to get my dosage back down. Unfortunately it's a sleeping pill to combat my chronic insomnia. Back when I had work that didn't require as much brain power as the one I have now, there was a certain drug that could be purchased on the black market that took care of the insomnia. It doesn't seem that I can use that one anymore on days that I have to go to work as it leaves me really fuzzy. And I'm not always that great with how it makes me feel. Booze works but then there are the hangovers. But that's what I'm doing this week. Trying to find that happy medium of alcohol that well let me sleep but not make me too drunk that it hurts in the morning.

Preferably, I wouldn't self-medicate but a sleepless night is worse that a few nights of light drinking. And I've found that scotch seems to be the best, I feel pretty clean and rested in the morning after a two or three rocks glasses. Tonight it's wine and beer. The goal here is to not take the pills for a week so my tolerance decreases back to what it was when I first started them. I realize it's not the best solution but for now it's seems to be working.

At least I'm off the other medication, which I really think was causing more problems than fixing. It was an antidepressant that I sort of let myself get talked in starting. I mentioned in an email tonight to a friend that I think I actually feel better off of it than I did when I was on it. Yeah, I'm susceptible to bouts of depression and those bouts suck but I always realize that at some point it will go away. The meds work great for some people and when those meds work for who they are supposed to, that's great. I'm probably just not one of them. Or at least at this point.

The one drawback of using booze as a sleep aid is getting online. I end up inadvertently sending emails and posting comments that I normally wouldn't. In fact, last night I think I may have accidentally asked a someone out through a social network comment. Although, if she agrees then that wouldn't be such a bad thing.

The cold spot on the bathroom floor

I finished my smoke in the bathroom, stood up to light the incense (to wash out the cigarette smell) and put my foot in the cold spot where my scotch glass had been sitting. All of a sudden I realized I can feel again. Perhaps not the best way to come such a realization, with the glow of scotch warming me up but nonetheless it's there. For so long I've been completely numb to what's been going on inside me. Whether it was the medication that was doing that to me or I have just been suppressing everything, I'm not sure.

After getting over the first week of quitting the medication (which was a descent into obsessive hell) I've started feeling things again. And yeah, it's been both sides of the coin. I have my moments of darkness but on the same hand I can laugh again and it doesn't feel hollow. It probably doesn't hurt that the sun is out again and I've attempted to be outside, whether just walking around or riding my bike (I still haven't been skating like I should be).

Another thing about going off the meds is I've been doing a bit more introspection, not much but a bit more than before. And I can't decide anything. I've always been a fairly solitary person and for the most part that's fine. I can handle being alone. But there are moments when I want company. Then I ask myself is it worth it? Do I really want to go through that agonizing process of getting back out there and meeting people for the sake of having company when I am lonely? Or am I really just better off flying solo? After the last few relationships, I'm inclined to say in the long run I'm better off alone. At least if I'm alone I never have to go through the pain of the end of a relationship.

If I were fifteen years younger it wouldn't be a problem. But those days are long gone. And that's something I accepted a long time ago.

Softer this time

After heeding my brother's concern I decided to delete last night post and the comment that went with it (and there are so few of those these days). But they were both correct to have expressed their concerns to me. And I glad that I have the kind of siblings who are afraid to tell me I've stepped over a line.

What I think I was trying to say is that in a completely irrational way, is that there is a part of me that would like to know that people who cause me pain will end getting the same kind and then some. The pain I'm talking here it the emotional roller coaster that I still find myself ridding at the age of 36. Part of growing up was to be that you get figure this stuff out faster as you get older.

Or so I was lead to believe. As you get older and you meet people who are older than you and they don't seem to have figured much out. Although sometimes people like that are a good milepost to see which direction one is heading. For instance, when we're out the other night some older drunk guy dame up to us and told us a pretty lame joke. I think to myself, I really don't want to end up like him. The sad thing is, I'm not so sure how close I could wind up being like him. I know I'd have to really start drinking a lot more cheap beer and even cheaper whiskey. And lose a few more teeth.

So for those of you that read this deleted post. I was rambling. Instead of doing anything about it by way of a grand shceme, I'm going to leave it alone. And may try to develop subtle mind control powers. That would be far more satisfactory. And it could become a hobby.

Don't worry about me, I'll be fine. I just started certain parts of the grieve process a bit late that's all.

Three days

Now that I have three days off in a row, I'm not really sure what to do with myself. Today I had to make myself find things to do, although I did go skate for the first time in months (I can already feel the winter weight dropping). I have this feeling I'm going to have to start leaving town more often just so I don't consume myself with boredom and obsession. I found myself consumed with thought today that I really didn't want in my head. Which lead to me going out and finding things to do. I finally had to give Jeremy a call and say "I'm bored, let's go get a drink." Thankfully that was at a respectable hour.

I did come to the conclusion at the skatepark today that I am really out of shape again. So I guess I'm going to have to start hitting the parks again. Which having three days off will help with this, I can head down to Trinidad without feeling rushed. And I have until the beginning of June to have the parks to myself or at least me and the other old farts.

One thing I've noticed after I quit taking the meds is that I seem to obsess about things that I didn't before. My guess is that the particular medication I was one evened me out to the point where that wasn't even really an option. Wow, welcome to mental clarity or whatever. I don't regret my choice to go off them. I feel better for the most part, but having to stop myself from thinking certain things is a new thing again. I'm not going into detail about what I've been obsessing about, it's immature and unproductive at best. But it's weird, now I think it must have always been there and the meds were suppressing those thoughts.

Strangely, when I first started taking that medication it seemed that I was able to concentrate more than I was before. I'm not so sure now. Perhaps I just deluded myself into thinking that was a benefit of the meds. I know that it seemed to kill whatever creative spark I had left and that is part of the reason I stopped taking them (that and I was sick of the wicked hangovers after having just a couple of drinks). I'm still not of the woods yet, I suspect I have at least another week before they are completely out of my system.

I went on these drugs because I thought I was depressed and prone to depression. And I am prone to it and it sucks. But at this point I think I'd rather feel the whole thing than just be leveled out. I still have a stash if it ever seems to get too rough. But I think I can ride it out.

I think I'll go skate Canon City tomorrow.

Red Flags

So about two weeks ago, I got the phone number of a lady (I may have mentioned this). Finally last night I left a message on her machine. Part of the reason I waited so long to call was that there were a couple of red flags that popped up when I met her. After this last relationship there are a few things that I know I don't want to be involved with. One of those is alcoholics, recovering or active. And I suspect if this lady isn't an alcoholic, she may have a drinking problem at least. Admittedly, I've been know to go out and have a few drinks, or have a couple here at home. But I've never considered myself to be someone with a drinking problem.

Having said that, last night I was out at the bar by my house and the bartender asked me if I had done anything about her. He then proceeded to confirm my suspicions and tell me that I probably shouldn't even bother with her. Apparently she was in there before I was and her behavior was that of someone I want nothing to do with.

Seems my hesitation was the right call for this situation. Of course, now I'm starting at square one as far as potential people to date. Oh well, this is not the first time. I think I need to find some new places to met women.

Breaking the strings

It's been almost a week since I took the last pill. Not that quitting the antidepressants was a conscious choice. But after not taking them for four days and the worst to happen was a headache that the ibuprofen could take care of I think I'm just going to stop all together. I was out with the boys from work last night and one of them commented that I seem happier than I have in a while, perhaps as long as he's known me.

I was always wondered a bit as to why I agreed to be on them. There was a bit of peer pressure at the time, and one of my flaws is at times I succumb to peer pressure. And I guess at the time I thought I needed them. Perhaps they served their purpose but now I want to not be even keeled anymore. I actually want to know what things feel like.

With the break up several months behind me, I think I'm in the place to stop taking them. Oh sure, I may obsess about her at times but I'm pretty good about keeping that suppressed to begin with.

Of course, I still have my sleeping pills. For a night owl like me who has to be at work earlier and earlier, I doubt if I could sleep without them (actually I can, but it takes a different kind of self medication). And so I'll stay on those, the worst side effect the have is that I'm a touch groggy in the morning. But it's not something coffee can't take care off.

I've also decide that I'm going to spend a fair amount of my next three days off working on getting this place together. Mostly because my last trip out of town I dumped everything in the middle of the floor and still haven't moved much of it to where it really belongs. And I still have photos to hang up and music to figure out what to do with. Or at least a way to display it. And I need a chair. One that I can sit in and read or watch a movie. Preferably one that reclines (then I could fall asleep in it).

Oh well, starting Sunday I get three days in a row off for the first time ever.

Thunder Snow

It was dumping snow when I got out of work. Almost as soon as I walked out of the door there was a clap of thunder in the middle of this snowstorm. Just one clap but it was thunder. It's been years since I've heard thunder in the middle of a snowstorm and before today there was only one other time I'd experience such a thing.

It's sort of weird to hear thunder in a snowstorm. I suspect Colorado is one of the few places one can witness this type of thing. Before I came here I'd never heard of it. After I'd been here people would talk about it but it was several years before I ever heard it.

Part of me wishes it was a full on thunder snowstorm. Actually more than a part of me. That would have been pretty cool.

There is good news in my work thing as well. I've been reassigned to the helpdesk which means I'm off the phones for the most part. Now instead of dumb customers I mostly have to deal with dumb agents. But at least now I don't have to take random calls from irate customers. Other than having to call them back to let them know that we had to set up an all day window to get their digital telephone installed. The cool thing is that I'll be learning a bunch of new stuff. I'm not sure how practical it will be but it can't hurt.

Which also means no more telling people their phone or internet isn't working because they need tp plug their modem back in.

little steps

It's that time of night where the generic Ambien kicks in and I get this sort of light headed tired feeling. My doctor told me that Ambien acts a hypnotic, I can fee that it put me in a certain state. A state almost like being drunk without being drunk. My motor skills aren't quite what they were a half an hour ago. And there are some perceptual shifts around here. Curves that weren't there seen to show up and the floor seems to develop when I'm walking around the apartment. There are times I consider taking maybe one more than I should just to see what would happen. Of course it would have to be when I'm not working the next day. It could be interesting.

For the first time in a long time I did manage to get the phone number of a woman this weekend, which I think means I'm taking my small baby steps and getting back in the game. And I think tomorrow is the day I'm supposed to call her. It's been so many years, I can't remember the rules of the game.

The one thing is, if I am starting to date again, I need to be careful. There is a list of red flags that I've come up with. I'm not so sure how serious some of them are, but some of them are hard and fast. I'm not really going to outline them here, other than sanity is high on the list. No longer do I want to be around people who are not sane. Perhaps thats unfair, because all but one maybe two were clinically sane. But I guess crazy takes various forms.

And I'm still looking for a plant to put up in here. And hang those damn photos that are haunting me.

The revolution skipped a beat or two

It seems that when I make a trip to the video store, I almost always end up with either a documentary or some form of Japanese animation to watch.

Tonight I watched The Weather Underground. I've always been curious about this group, although I'm not really sure why. It was an interesting documentary, though. Mostly told from the point of view from some of the radicals themselves with a bit of one of the FBI agents that tracked them thrown in for balance. The thing that struck me is that these people believed that the revolution was right around the corner. I can't really say that I've ever thought that in my life. Or at least not that there would be some radical overall of the current system like these folks believed. Perhaps I just grew up in an age that was more cynical, or perhaps the repression that these people spoke about was/is true.

There was a time in Indiana that I did believe that the Indiana and the midwest in general was going to revolutionize music. This was right after Seattle broke and there were just so many good bands in the midwest playing all kinds of music. That never really happened but damn it felt like it was just around the corner. And I'm not the only one who thought that. Over the years I've talked to people from back there who felt the same. We were young and naive back then. What none of us realized is that for a area to take off musically it needs to be near a coast. And the closest coast to Indiana is the Third Coast. Admittedly, Chicago has alway had a thriving scene (and I'm not saying that midwest cities don't) but the hotbeds for music labels seem to be on the main coasts or slightly inland.

Or I could be old and jaded.

That pile in my kitchen

Well, I'm finally in my new place with just me and my computers. The apartment still looks a little sparse as I haven't framed and hung any photos but I have a few in mind. And the corner in the kitchen has boxes of Cd's, records and god knows what else. That's OK I remembered that I can stow stuff under my bed again. Plus if nothing else there is actually a lot of storage space (which right now is filled with mostly empty boxes that I keep telling myself will come in handy the next time I move somewhere (which could be a matter of months or longer).

Looking at all of my stuff piled haphazardly in boxes, I realized this time before I put those boxes bad on the shelf I really need to go through them. The truth is most of the items fall into just a few categories. I think the biggest category would probably be various forms of correspondence I've received over the years. There are letters from people I vaguely remember, there are letters and cards from relative who've since passed on (one Granny in particular). Friends who were writing me back after I'd written then a drunken letter (I've always been more of a drunken writer as opposed to a drunk dialer. And I need to go through those letters, not so much to get rid of them but perhaps to organize them.

Another category is the trinkets and toys that people have given me (and I've bought for myself) over the years. An example is the little green alien statue that always seems to end up on my bookshelf at some point or in a plant. Of which I haven't picked any up yet. I need to get at least one.

And then there is the truly random crap that I can never seem to part with. Like the notebook from college that I just can seem to part with. Or the miniature stuffed skunk named Buster. Stuff like that. And I'm of course the dork who is sitting in front of two very old computers. One for Internet and one for photos and music.

It"s getting there.

That box of photos

The world is in a cubicle
Originally uploaded by surly monkey

Unpacking can sometimes be as tedious as moving for me sometimes. Hell, most of the time I never fully unpack. I just leave most of the stuff in the boxes I put them in and drag them from city to city. At some point I should really go through those boxes and see how much of that stuff I really need to keep. A lot of it is old letters from people either long forgotten or dead, so I hold onto it. But it could be consolidated.

At some point I acquired a scanner. Since I don't have an Internet connection at home right now (come on Saturday!), I spent part of the last two evening going through old photos and scanning some of them in. It seems I take better pictures when I use digital, either that or my skills have progressed more. That and my old film camera was a point and shoot. It is good for what it does but my digital cameras have been much more flexible.

Sorry I got sidetracked there. My point actually was that going back through those old photos always triggers a flood of memories. There's pictures of all the dogs in my life, former roommates, friends from long ago and at least one former girlfriend that I still miss sometimes (at least a lot more than the others). I'm not sure if I'd really want to relive those years again but sometimes I think those times were better than now. Of course, we always remember the past probably better that it really was. But I look at the few photos of me from back then and I'm smiling. And it doesn't seem to be forced like it is now. Maybe in a way I was more innocent or at least less jaded.

Nonetheless, I can't go back to those years even if I wanted to and I am better off now than I was then. But I still want a piece of that guy back.

Some song about a bird that's free

Soon I'll truly be living by myself. No ex girlfriend's stuff to look at. No needy cats. Just my little place which is basically going to be a room as it's an one bath studio. But I get a balcony and I can have plants again.

Actually, having plants again is a big bonus and that may be one of the first things I buy for the place. That and a trash can, plate, bowl and a set of flatware. Maybe I should get two of each (well not the trash can). As some can attest, when I lived up in Steamboat I had some really nice plants that I gave away. The good news is someone up there has started clipping from my old plants. So in a way I'll be getting them back. At least genetically.

It is a really small place, the truth is I haven't seen it yet but it's in the same complex so I know it will be clean when I move in. The management company seems to do a pretty good job of getting places ready for the next tenants.

Some folks at work are trying to get me to have a house warming party, but I seriously think that only six people or so could be there at a time. So maybe I'll have my house warming party at the bar down the street. That could be fun. And one guy ask if he could bring a plant. Of course. He can bring the plant to the bar.

One of the strong pulls I have about going to Indiana is that there is a much longer growing season and the earth was make for growing plants. I'm lucky that my parents have a big enough spread that if nothing else I could have a small portion to start a garden. I'd have to start with the simple hardy stuff. And maybe some daisies and columbines if I can get them to grow there.

A few nights back, I was telling some lady about how I'm moving back. When she asked why, I started talking about the earth there. The earth and the soil and how the land of that place gets inside you and never leaves. Or at least some of us.

I'll talk to friends who escaped Indiana, and many of them want to return at some point. Mostly the ones who grew up in the Indy area. We seem to be feeling that pull as we get older. It was probably inevitable. And my friends who are staying where they are still live some where they could have nice garden if they wanted to. Maybe there is something to soil in Indiana.

And if anyone in Colorado Springs reads this and wants to help move a couple of boxes this weekend let me know. I'll get a round at the Point when we're done.

Running out boxes

Moving sucks. Right now it beats the alternative, and I'm only moving one building over but it still sucks. Tonight I boxed up most of my book and have come to the conclusion that I'm due to have another bookshelf. Seeing how I haven't actually seen my new place, I think I may just end up with stacks on thee floor. It'll be like living in a bookstore, all I'll need is a cat.

Perhaps it's not the moving so much as the packing before moving, It didn't take that long to box up the box. But I stopped and thought to myself, "well this is going to screw up my system". Not that I have much of system other than trying to keep books by the same author together. And sometime try to shoot for a bit on genre continuity.

But then I hit myself with authors like Kurt Vonnegut (RIP), some his stuff could sort of go in SciFi but he never really wrote SciFi. Yeah some of his stuff was set in SciFi worlds and situation but I would never classify him as SciFi. He wrote like a grumpy man that told stories of horrible things happening to people and yet there was a strong sense of hope underneath it. Like the man said (I don't know which man) his (Vonnegut's) stories were sugar pills with bitter coatings.

Being that I am a geek, my SciFi collection has grown exponentially over the last year or so. I started by picking up some of the classics that I read back in middleschool and high school. Like Isaac Assimov, Arthur C. Clarke, A Canticle for Lebinwitz and other stuff like that. Then I moved into Neal Stephenson who writes some amazing stories and has moved onto volumes of historical fiction.

Which I guess means most of these last few guys will end up close by each other on the shelf. And then there's all the other stuff.

And I haven't even started looking at the CDs and vinyl. You may find me trying to sell some of that stuff off on either craigslist or ebay.com. Music is the worst to try to organize for me. I can never think of were to put things. Like should Bob Mould solo stuff/Sugar go next to the Hüsker Dü? Or should Hüsker Dü go closer to Fugazi and Sonic Youth?

And this is why I hate packing.

And now a word from our sponsor

A few months back I started a subscription at emusic.com. Mostly because last summer at Pitchfork they were passing out cards with free downloads and there was a free sampler with bands from the festival. I've kept the subscription going as I keep finding things to download, and I'd like to think that some of the money makes it's way to the bands. And unlike the iTunes store everything you download is just mp3 format, so no DRM.

The cool thing is, I've downloaded music that I would have never purchased or even heard. Just the other night I discovered godspeed you! black emperor, who have proceeded to blow me away. They have this epic length pieces that are almost classical in arrangement but with added distortion and found audio samples. I don't think I've found a single piece of their's that is less than ten minutes long. Too long to even hear the whole thing one the way to or from work.

It helped me find stuff for my recent and somewhat ongoing jazz phase as well. The sight has a ton of Sun Ra recordings among other things.

Dang I sound like a shill, but I really am just happy to have found that site.

Eagle Valley

For the first time since 1994, I saw the town and mountain of Vail in daylight. And spent a day riding a small part of the mountain. Over the years I'd heard people say, "oh you have to go ride Vail, it's amazing" And they were right. If I had the money I think I'd go there as much as possible. Saratonin and I only hit a small part of the front face of that mountain. Of course it work me pretty damn good and I was pretty much out of it the rest of the day.

Which was fine as we ended up in Eagle dining at the Gourmet China Restaurant which is like almost every Chinese restaurant you'll fine in a mountain town. As in decently priced, nice servers, and good food. This place seemed to be really into shrimp dishes. I don't have a problem with seafood in Colorado but sometimes shrimp this far from a large salt water body (and no the Great Salt lake does not count) scares me.

My sister lives in a small mountain town that the Eagle River flows through, it's a cool little town. I know I could never live there, Steamboat was small enough for me. Here place is a Hobbit hole of a place, that includes a sort of barn door as the outer door. I managed to not take any pictures of Minturn (and really nothing much else) while I was there but I have some ideas for shots the next time.

The drive back, I decided to get off the Interstate and take U.S. 24 back to Colorado Springs. I hadn't been that way since '96 or '97 so it was pretty neat to go that way. Which on a good say seems like it's some what faster and far more scenic that doing the I-25 to I-70 drive. So depending on the weather I'll probably go that way from now on. Not having to deal with the Denverite traffic is good and views are actually calming.

Anyway, I'll probably staying closer for the next couple of weeks. I have to move into my new studio in two weeks and I need to not be spending money. And I need to start boxing up my stuff yet again.

Anyone want to help me move on March 8? It's just going from one building to another and I don't have that much stuff.