The wall came down

In less than a week, I hit that magic age.  The one where I'm supposed to be well on my way to being set and having everything figured out.  40.  Or at least that's what I thought 40 was supposed to be.  Obviously, I was wrong.  I still have no idea what I'm doing, barely make any more money than I did at 30 (maybe less in fact) and still generally lost.  I've pretty much given up figuring anything out it seems.


When I was a kid in high school, I didn't think I'd live past 25.  And I truly believed that life as we knew it would be over way before the year 2000.  This was mostly due to the Cold War and the prospect of Mutual Assured Destruction.  Everything was going to end in a nuclear fireball.  Those that would make it would wish they were dead.  


And then the Wall fell.  And the Soviet Union collapsed.  Myself and others didn't really know what to do.  We were supposed to be dead.  For a brief few years, there were no enemies. 


Looking back, the nineties were a strange time in that regard.  There was no boogey man, no one to focus our collective fear and rage towards.  There was hope for the future, that maybe we could finally get over ourselves and actually make this a better place.  


Ten years later, that went out the window.


And here I am, almost 40 years old.  Living in my parents house.  I'm not sure what that says.

Sweet Home Alabama

Sloss Furnace
Originally uploaded by surly monkey

A week ago this time I was in Alabama.  Probably either watching or getting ready to watch Man or Astroman?.  Unlike Phrank, I thought the were awesome, she on the other hand thought they were horrible.  I believe her description of them was "spastic space monkeys".  Oh well, different strokes for different folks.

Luckily, I went into this trip with out knowing what to expect.  I've never really spent any time in the South.  I have to say I came away quite pleased with the experience.  The weather was great, so that helped but I found Alabama absolutely beautiful.  We were able to take a hike the first day I was there, and the forest was amazing.  Many of the same trees that are here in Indiana were present, but there were some I had never seen before.  Including magnolia trees, which were awesome, the leaves are the coolest thing.  Phrank told me to go feel them, they are smooth and waxy on top and fuzzy on the bottom.  The area she lives is a smallish city, and recovering from being hit by a tornado back in April.  But still had that small town feel and look.  And some of the best doughnuts I've ever had.

We went down to Birmingham for the show.  I found myself thinking that Birmingham may be the prettiest city I've seen in the US.  I was blown away by the old skyscrapers in downtown and the old apartment buildings and houses in the residential parts.  Plus there's an old steel factory called Sloss Furnace that is no longer in use and open to the public.  And I found that the people there were rather friendly.

I think I'd like to go back sometime and explore more down that way.

Somewhere South

Old light pole
Originally uploaded by surly monkey

The bag is packed, the car is relatively clean and I'm hitting the road after a half day of work. This will be the first time I've left the state (with the exception of Cincinnati for a couple of shows) since I got back here. And for once, I get to go somewhere I've never been. The road is taking me to Alabama, to see Man or Astro-man? and Phrank. Seems she moved to her motherland not to long after I did the same.

I miss the traveling. Over the past winter, I was driving back and forth from Steamboat quite often. Yeah, winter driving for at least four hours at a times can be stressful but it wasn't that bad. I got to see quite a few awesome moments of scenery. And some pretty cool sunsets.

Perhaps surprisingly, I'm looking forward to seeing Phrank again.  When she lived up the hill from me, it was different.  We could just go see each other.  Now that there's a fair amount of distance, I find myself missing her.  Or perhaps knowing that she's in my proximity.  After a few months of scowling across the courtyard at each other, we came to the realization that one way or another, we are going to be in each other's life.  And it is an ever evolving. shifting thing.  It did take me breaking my face for us to come to that conclusion.  Once before I left Colorado, I asked another close friend if I ever badmouthed Phrank when things were bad between us.  My friend said "No, and I wish you would have.  But you didn't.", so there's that.

And I'm pretty excited to see Man or Astro-man?, after all, they were one of my favorite bands in the 90s.

Fall Fell

This weekend was what I think is called Indian Summer.  The weather was beautiful, not to hot but not cold at all.  The trees started to turn to the fall colors and in the course of two days really took off.  I managed to get out and walk around in Skiles-Test Nature park, which is an infrequently travelled park in Indy.  I only saw about eight other people and that's probably the most I've ever seen there.  It makes me happy realize that I'm one of the people in Indy that know about this little secret.  And once I got off the main path, I only saw one other person.

It appears in some ways I've still getting acclimated to living here.  I keep expecting it to snow about now.  And even though that is possible here in Indiana, it's highly unlikely for another few weeks to a month or so.  After seeing people in Colorado posting pictures with snow on the mountains, I have to admit, I felt a bit sad that I wasn't there to witness it.  In years past, I would always get excited when that first visible sign of snow hit the higher elevations.  Here in Indiana, something tells me it's not really anything to get too excited for.  Although I probably will anyway.

The change in the weather is seems to be at a slower pace than it was in Colorado, fall seems to last much longer (summer too).  I'm finding it strange to realized that I'm already in the third season of the year here in Indiana, with the fourth one not too far around the corner.  In some ways I still feel like I'm on an extended visit (and perhaps I am), I don't fully feel like I belong here.  After all these years though, I recognize that I feel this way no matter where I live.  I felt in in Boulder, Steamboat, Colorado Springs and now here in Indy.  I think the only place I really thought I truly belonged was a brief moment in time in Muncie.  And that probably had a lot more to do with the time than the place.  Oh well.  I am used to it now.

And I guess it's ok, it will make it easier to decide to go to the next place where I feel I don't belong.

They locked me up in a padded cell.

There's no more pumps in my life except when I put gas in my car.  I can't say I really miss them.  The surly has worn off in the last few months perhaps years.  As far as the monkey, I can't say, that may still be correct.

Almost six months ago, I went crazy.  Or crazy for me.  To the point that I felt out of control and was scaring myself and those around me.  It's what precipitated my move back to Indiana.  My head got to the point where I wasn't sure if I could be trusted with myself anymore.  To this day I'm not exactly sure what caused me to get like that, although I think a lot of it had to do with working in a call center and a couple of other things.  Maybe it all built up and I got to the point where I just couldn't take it.  I wanted out, I didn't want to be on this planet anymore and it hurt.  It's always been the case that no matter what thoughts were going through my head about offing myself, I would never act on them.  But this last time, I wasn't so sure.  The thing I remember stopping me the most was the thought of someone having to come in and clean the mess I left, and I didn't wish that on anyone.

When I got back here, I never went to a professional to talk about it.  Things seem better now, I feel nowhere near as crazy as I did then.  But there's times when those thoughts of leaving dance around in my head.  And I've come to the conclusion that I've always had them.  As I get older, I'm just more aware of them.  But they aren't scary anymore.  Perhaps it's sad, but I think I've just gotten used to them when they bubble to the surface.  There's no real reason for me to have them anymore.

If I were to guess as to the root causes of why I get this stuff in my head, I would say one part is because I have always felt that I am a bit of a failure.  The rational part of my brain realizes this is mostly untrue.  Like anyone, I have my weak points.  But I know that I haven't completely failed at life.

I should probably pay someone to listen to me, but like health insurance, I can't afford to.