There's no more pumps in my life except when I put gas in my car. I can't say I really miss them. The surly has worn off in the last few months perhaps years. As far as the monkey, I can't say, that may still be correct.
Almost six months ago, I went crazy. Or crazy for me. To the point that I felt out of control and was scaring myself and those around me. It's what precipitated my move back to Indiana. My head got to the point where I wasn't sure if I could be trusted with myself anymore. To this day I'm not exactly sure what caused me to get like that, although I think a lot of it had to do with working in a call center and a couple of other things. Maybe it all built up and I got to the point where I just couldn't take it. I wanted out, I didn't want to be on this planet anymore and it hurt. It's always been the case that no matter what thoughts were going through my head about offing myself, I would never act on them. But this last time, I wasn't so sure. The thing I remember stopping me the most was the thought of someone having to come in and clean the mess I left, and I didn't wish that on anyone.
When I got back here, I never went to a professional to talk about it. Things seem better now, I feel nowhere near as crazy as I did then. But there's times when those thoughts of leaving dance around in my head. And I've come to the conclusion that I've always had them. As I get older, I'm just more aware of them. But they aren't scary anymore. Perhaps it's sad, but I think I've just gotten used to them when they bubble to the surface. There's no real reason for me to have them anymore.
If I were to guess as to the root causes of why I get this stuff in my head, I would say one part is because I have always felt that I am a bit of a failure. The rational part of my brain realizes this is mostly untrue. Like anyone, I have my weak points. But I know that I haven't completely failed at life.
I should probably pay someone to listen to me, but like health insurance, I can't afford to.
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