Control

I have no control. This is something I thought I knew along time again. It's always seemed apparent to me that as the world spun around me there was really very little that I had the power to change. Including myself.

I've always had a sense of powerlessness. For quite a few years this powerlessness manifested itself in the guise of me seeking out conspiracy theories and believing them (that's not to say in the back of my head I still think there is a secret group pulling lots of strings). I was engrossed in them and they fed that feeling of no control over anything. By believing that some shadowy group controlled the destiny of the human race I was basically saying that I gave up and let it happen. What was I going to do, fight them somehow? Thankfully, after giving up some things and talking it out, I came out and realized that it really didn't matter and that it was a manifestation of a deeper paranoia. I still have quite a bit of paranoia but I believe it's not as bad as it once was.

What I'm slowly learning (and I mean very slowly) is that the only control I actually do have is over myself. I still don't know how to exert it most of the time. I let my emotions take over and shut down because I don't know how to deal with them. Dealing with my issues is going to take a long time and I don't even know really where to begin. Even though I have a pretty good idea of where they come from, I really don't know how much that is going to help. So far the only thing I know is that I have no control over anyone else but me and I don't have much of that right now.