Little happy pills

I'm sitting here listening to Elliott Smith's Figure 8 album and to tell the truth it makes me a bit sad. Sad because the songs themselves are sad and sad that he wasn't able to stay around and make some more albums. Unfortunately, when he was alive I didn't really know who he was. And I didn't really start listening to him until last year. I guess I sort of missed out but I'm glad to get to hear what he left behind.

Why are people who are so creative so tortured inside? Once someone said to me that great art comes from conflict and struggle. At the time I didn't agree with that statement but I'm starting to see the wisdom in it. I missed the part where that conflict can come from inside.

Which leads me to something else I've been thinking about lately. For the last nine months or so I've been on an antidepressant. I want to stop taking them. Now may not be the greatest time to do it but I don't want to be tied to them anymore. I can't remember what my emotional state was before being on it but I'm not sure if I like how I feel on it now. And I think it's contributing to some weight gain as well. Sometimes I think I was better off when I still smoked (not really). Part of me thinks that if I were to get off of them that more creative side I used to have would come out.

The flipside is that my anxieties and depressions would probably be heightened at least in the short term. And I'm not so sure that is worth it. Although I still have that horrible social anxiety whether I'm on them or not.

I still have a months worth, so I guess I don't have to make the decision just yet. I just don't think I want to be tied to these little pills for the rest of my life.