Out of the box turtle

There was a time not that many years ago where I could walk up to just about anyone and start a conversation. At some point that changed and I became shy again. I'm not sure what happened or exactly when it did. It happened sometime when I moved to Colorado. I was talking to one of my friends last night and he said I was a social person. That is not the way I see myself, but so few of see ourselves for what we really are.

Of course, some of my isolationist tendencies are self-imposed. And now they've become so ingrained that they've first nature. I still have a hard time being the initiator of a conversations and especially with members of the opposite sex (and right now I'm torn between bitter to that gender or really wanting attention from that gender). Once I get started, I seem to do ok. It's just a matter of that initial push that I haven't got the hang of. I think in sales they call it the hook. Which seems sort of sad to me, but it does seem to work for a lot of people.

On a wholly unrelated note, my humble opinion is that "King of Carrot Flowers part 1" and "King of Carrot Flower parts 2&3" is one of the greatest rock songs that never hit the airwaves (well other than Indie Pop Rocks on Soma FM), which was recorded by Neutral Milk Hotel. They put out at least two albums and then just stopped. Thankfully we still had Elf Power.

Out and about or something

At the beginning of the weekend I ended up at a couple of art events with a couple friends of mine. The first being a black and white photography show that was pretty cool, perhaps a bit traditional but cool nonetheless. There was one print in particular that was for sale but not on display that was pretty much amazing. The second was a gallery opening, and there was a bunch of different stuff there, some of which was influenced by graffiti, and one series that was influenced by the Star Wars mythos and some other sci-fi concepts.

Going to stuff like that always makes me want to start playing with my camera more than I have been. Or paint something, not that I can paint or draw (manual dexterity was never my strong point). I did get out and take few photos but nothing spectacular.

The same night I finally went to some bars in downtown Colorado Springs, some of which were actually pretty cool. Now I'm ready for the weather to warm up so I can start riding my bicycle to go out on the nights I can go out. I even got a phone number but I don't think it really counts (I already knew her from work, but we'd never spoke socially).

So I guess in a way this was kind of the first time I've really broken out of my shell here in this town. And even though I don't particularly like this town, I have to admit I had fun and there are some cool people here.

Noises

In addition to the albums I wrote about the other day, I've been going through a big noise phase again. This time I've been going back as far as Sun Ra. Listening to what little amount of his stuff, I hear his influence in alot of the noise music I've picked up over the years. Not that surprisingly, I hear a lot references to Sun Ra in the music of Sonic Youth. Admittedly, since it's jazz the influence is subtle but very present.

In a way, I wonder if going through a noise phase as anything to do with my current mental state. The world around me seems pretty chaotic and perhaps listening to noise allows me to exert some control over my surroundings. Or maybe it just helps me make sense of the chaos around me. Of course it could mean nothing and I just really like discordant music (which may be closer to the truth).

Of course, the world around me will probably stay chaotic. From what I can see, throughout our lives there are very few things that are static. That's probably the way things are supposed to be. I can live with that.

Placing

About fifteen minutes ago I looked out the window and it was snowing horizontally, I just now looked out and there is noting falling from the sky. Such is the weather here in Colorado. Even though I'm not playing in it like I used to, I still like the snow. You will rarely if ever hear me actually complaining about the snow. The other people on the road, or when the road aren't really snowy but icy instead, you will hear me bitch about those things.

There's a big chunk of me that wishes I'd have never left Steamboat (especially with the snow they are getting this year). Something tells me that if I had stayed, I wouldn't be as stressed out like I am now. Of course, if I had stayed I'd have all of the old issues that I had when I was there (like being bored). But I have/had close friends there, and even though I didn't always think I belonged there I had my place in that town. And all in all it was a good place.

Perhaps what I'm getting at is that idea of a sense of place that people who are smarter than me talk about. I don't feel like I have one here, I have work but that not really a place. That's where I spend my time, of course that where I know people from (that and the bartender from the place down the road (I go there because I can walk there)). Or maybe it's that I'm just now starting to develop one here in Colorado Springs. Perhaps when I find a spot that I just really have to take a picture of then I will have found my sense of place in Colorado Springs. That or some people I want to take snapshots of.

Slow reaction

My computer is so old that it doesn't handle Java of Flash very well. This presents a problem when I try to type anything in on Blogger. there is a several second delay from what I've typed to when it appears on the screen. And it sort of drives me nuts. Watching that lag that is.

Lag has always driven me crazy when it comes to using computers. I remember back in the day of playing MUD and just getting frustrated when my character would get killed off due to lag. I guess the new word for it is latency, but I'm not an online gamer so I don't really have to worry about it anymore.

Anyway, it's really not that important but it still drives me bat shit.

It's strange to finally come to the conclusion that I'm at the age now where my peers are at the point of starting all over again sometimes. And I seem to wonder if I've ever started. although this current situation is close enough to a divorce that I don't ever want to go through one. I know enough people who are my age who are either on their second marriage or have or just now got out of their firs. Scary. and yet it's inevitable that at this point it would be common.

I'm still amazed at this growing up process I guess. I was able to delay quite a bit of it all of those years in Steamboat (although I still did grow up, it was just different). And there are days when I just want to go back there because life was so much simpler. But I can't, I do need to move on. Even if I don't like the idea of it.

On the iPod

Music I've been listening to:

Battles - Mirrored

Yeah, the best album of 2007 that I picked up in 2008. There's been moments where I've had to make myself stop listening to it. It's that good to me. I guess I heard them at Pitchfork and remember wanting to pick up some of their stuff. I have a hard time describing it. Battles have several rhythms going at once, there's vocal but not in any real language. Like I said, hard to describe.

Beirut - The Flying Club Cup and Lon Gisland EP

It's folky, it's pretty. Old world influences, hints of jazz and sprinkles of indie vocals abound in both of these recordings. Strings and trumpets play off each other. It sort of takes me somewhere I probably need to be. The singer has a voice that is like another instrument. It's good mellow night music (I mean that in a good way)

Hella - Chirpin Hard/Church Gone Wild

Ow, my freaking ears! Unlistenable in the best way possible. Noise and discordant beats. Just the way I like it.

Rob Crow - Living Well

For a guy that looks as burly as he does on the album cover, he can write a nice melodic pop song. Half of Pinback, apparently the pop half. I find myself popping this in on a long drive and not noticing the next hour go by.

And there's a bunch of other stuff I still haven't really listened too. Sheesh

Anxiously trying to sleep

There is this moment when I wake up in the morning that I don't remember the reality of my situation. After about the equivalent of a cup of coffee, reality peeks through and the anxiety starts kicking in.

Last weekend I went up to Steamboat and finally got a decent nights sleep. And I didn't get that anxious feeling after waking up. In fact I didn't get it until I got in the car to drive back to Colorado Springs. I've been taking medication for a while and I thought it was supposed to reduce my anxiety. So for now I'll just try to remember to breathe.

Sorry to be such a downer.

But over the weekend I really rode Howelsen Hill for the first time ever. It was a blast.

rising slowly rising

There's been a few times in the last few months were I meant to get something down here but for whatever reason I'd stop myself. It's probably fairly common knowledge that I'm going through another rough patch in my life. Without going into to many details, Phrank and I broke up over something fairly stupid and this was it. No more.

So that's that. The process seems to be what a divorce could feel like to me. Maybe I'm wrong but part of me wants that paper from a judge that says it a decree of dissolution.

I'm at that point of trying to figure out what to do. If I have to carry out the lease then that is what I'll do. Oh well. I can stand staying in this town for one more summer. Maybe start making friends right before I leave.

Anyone who knows any relatively sane women in their thirties (or near thirties) in Colorado Springs, let me know.

That one call

At some point during the second to last call of the evening I was reminded that the people I talk to are in fact human. And that I am as well. The caller was a woman whose son had just been put in jail (what for I don't know and it's no concern of mine) and needed to figure out how her son could get in contact with her. This is a fairly common question and I've got the info bookmarked.

However, this poor woman really just needed someone talk to I think. Halfway through the call she started crying and for once this person on the other end was someone I just wanted to reach through the phone and hug. She wasn't crying to get something, she wasn't crying because her call forwarding wasn't working, she was crying because her son was in jail and she was scared and alone. And for once I think I handled it ok. I told her that I'd give her a tissue if I were there and to take her time when she apologized for crying and that I'm a voice and an ear right now

Tonight when I ended that call I said something I rarely say to a customer. I told this lady to take care of herself and to be strong. And you know, she thanked me for my kind words. Perhaps appropriately, those are the kinds of calls I remember.

I hope both she and her son make it through this.

Night shots

finger rock
Originally uploaded by surly monkey

The living room is pretty much empty, I'm typing this out with my computer one a tomato box that is serving as the coffee table. Across the room is a frame print of this photo leaning against the cabinet the guinea pig cage is on. Hopefully, we'll have everything out of here tomorrow and can clean the next day.

I've spent a fair part of the evening looking at this photo. It's perhaps one of my favorites so far. This one was taken back in 2004, when I first started playing around with taking night shots. There were a few tries before I got this one and I had to wait for a car to come by to catch it. This particular car turned out to be a state trooper who turned around to make sure I wasn't a dead body on the side of the road.

There is something about taking photos at night that I seem to enjoy. I haven't done it in a while and I'm probably due to get out one night and get some night shots of this city. Truthfully I haven't taken a lot of photos here in the city. Of course another advantage to the new apartment is there is an awesome view to get some shots taken. Perhaps some night I'll catch the moon over Cheyenne Mountain.

Keep your phone

I've come to the conclusion that I feel bad for the customers of the company I work for. Or at least most of the ones I deal with, especially the ones that have phone service with us. People who have switched to our phone service have lost the phone number they've had for years, gone without phone service for weeks on end and lost features that they had with the old land line companies. Put it this way, if one needs a reliable hassle free land line phone, then one should stick with an actual land line company. If the home phone is just there for convience then digital phone is for you.

Of course, I'm sure it's not just the company I work for. I would guess that the other cable companies that are beginning to offer voice services are experiencing the same kind of issues. And only a small percentage of our customers do call in and I only talk to a small percentage of those callers.

Nonetheless, the crap we have to put some of these people through bothers me. I try as hard as I can to make it easier on them by getting the service back on as quickly as possible and guiding them how to properly navigate if they want to cancel with us.

Not that long ago I was enjoying my job but I'm getting back to the point where it's just tedious and once again I feel ineffectual. At some point it will get better or so I hope.

Sorry to bitch to much, but I really do feel bad for some of these people. And sometimes I think they can tell.

Brand old heavies

Sunday night I saw the Melvins for the first time. Until Sunday night I think the loudest band I'd ever seen was (believe it or not) Midnight Oil back in the early nineties. Currently the Melvins tour with Big Business, the core members of Big Business also serve as the Melvins bass player and second drummer. When you first look at the drum kits it looks like they've been fused together, with certain parts shared by both drummers. The mirror image effect is fairly apparent when watching the two drummers.

Big Business set was a nice somewhat brutal way to start the night off. Originally consisting of drummer Coady Willis and bassist Jared Warren, they seem to have added a guitar/noisemaker who I have no idea what his name is. He definitely helps round them out as far as guitar and added to the chaotic music that is Big Business. For a band that rocks so hard, they have a rather subdued presence on state, such as the guitar playing just staring off to the ceiling has he was playing these awesome riffs. Towards the end of the set Dale Crover (drummer for the Melvins) came out and played guitar with them for the last few songs.

Then then the Melvins came on. I'd say they stormed the stage but they sort of just ambled up to their spots and just started playing the first song. They pretty much didn't say anything and played a blistering set straight through to the end. I don't know what Buzz Osborne or Dale Crover's speaking voice sound like at all after seeing that show. Buzz came out wearing a camouflage robe and Jared nice floral print dress. Here again was another example of a band that freaking kills it and yet manages to stay pretty mellow when performing. They seemed to just get up there and play the set. The mirrored drum playing was just intense, those two drummers have some awe inspiring senses of timing. To stand there ant watch them play the twin set was just amazing, I really don't have many works for it.

It really was an awesome show. I was already a fan of both bands but after seeing the two together for the first time, I'm pretty much blown away. I will be going to see them again the next time they swing through.

Stuff, Boxes and Books

Currently the living room is filled with boxes and random pieces of furniture. The move is going to be next weekend so the staging has begun. Personally, I hate the actual act of moving. Carrying furniture is a pain and packing everything into boxes annoys me. Not that I've done much with the boxes other than find them. Much of my stuff is still in a boxes, with the exception of my clothes. Most of my possessions consists of books and music (in the form of CD and vinyl), and Phrank has boxed most of that stuff up.

Having said that, I do like getting into a new place even if this new one is pretty similar to the current one. The big differences are it comes with a fireplace, bigger living room and a balcony that is twice as big as the current one. And the biggest selling point for me is no more having to look at and hear the parking lot right outside. Our new view looks down on the courtyard and out towards NORAD/Cheyenne Mountain. Perhaps my chances of seeing UFOs will increase.

Phrank has been quite industrious this last week with painting furniture, sewing slip covers for both people and kitty furniture and making an awesome stereo table. So far the stereo table is the coolest in my opinion. And I've got a lot more records to score to fill out that thing, yeah the LPs fit under the table. Independent Records has this double LP by the Apples in Stereo that I've been eyeballing. I'll probably break down and buy it soon enough. Inevitably, I'm going to have to learn how to rip my records into some digital format. I know I need a certain kind of cable.

Wow, maybe I've stumbled onto a possible hobby. I've been trying to find one.

Snapping

For the first time in a work environment, I saw and heard someone completely lose it today. Shortly before I was supposed to log in to the phones there was a brief power outage that shut down all of the computers, lights and perhaps the phones. When the lights came back on we heard a lady from the next row start yelling "I can't take it anymore!" At first it sounded like she was kidding but we all quickly realized that she wasn't. This woman genuinely had a freak out. If she would have said something about going to strangle someone I think she would have been just sent to take a walk. Of course having said something like that she got pulled into a managers office and I think sent home early.

Coincidentally, there was a regional analyst on site today who was standing around us when this happened. I can understand where this lady is coming from (although I doubt if I'd snap like that, I'd probably tell my supe "I'm leaving for a bit, if you need to fire me then do so") and told the analyst as such.

It was probably good for him to see that even though it was sort of pathetic and ugly at the same time. We are under quite a bit of pressure and quite a few of us feel that the managers and higher up really have no inkling of that.

What would be awesome is if it caused marketing to slow down some of their pushing new sales and focus on the customers we already have.

I feel safe enough to go to work tomorrow, I doubt if she's going to show up with a shotgun or anything like that. And I do know that if I see some coming in with a firearm, I'm hitting the deck caller or no caller and getting the hell out. Getting shot at work is not the way I want to die. And I still have finger puppets to make.

Finger puppets

Work has become ridiculously busy again. The kind of busy like it was back when I started, people on hold for close to an hour and no end in sight. The shift I'm on is the first eight hour/five day a week shift I've had since I hit the floor here. Which means I now have two days off instead of three. Not having to be there for three days was quite nice and I think the busier it gets the more I'll miss having that extra day.

There is now a new team and due to the doubled call volume I don't even know the names of some of my team members. The guy that sits across from me is affable enough but he pretty much just talks about work. I don't always want to be reminded where I'm at when I'm sitting there. That's why I sit there and play with my phone and take stupid videos of my fingers (although when I watched it the first time, I started laughing in the middle of a call). I think I may make some finger puppets or something for work.

To put it mildly, between the new schedule and the dramatic increase in call volume, I have been really exhausted lately. Hence no entries. It was all I could do to not stay in bed my entire days off this weekend (or yes the couch). I didn't even have it in me to go skate.

And on that note, I'm going to bed