And now a word from our sponsor

A few months back I started a subscription at emusic.com. Mostly because last summer at Pitchfork they were passing out cards with free downloads and there was a free sampler with bands from the festival. I've kept the subscription going as I keep finding things to download, and I'd like to think that some of the money makes it's way to the bands. And unlike the iTunes store everything you download is just mp3 format, so no DRM.

The cool thing is, I've downloaded music that I would have never purchased or even heard. Just the other night I discovered godspeed you! black emperor, who have proceeded to blow me away. They have this epic length pieces that are almost classical in arrangement but with added distortion and found audio samples. I don't think I've found a single piece of their's that is less than ten minutes long. Too long to even hear the whole thing one the way to or from work.

It helped me find stuff for my recent and somewhat ongoing jazz phase as well. The sight has a ton of Sun Ra recordings among other things.

Dang I sound like a shill, but I really am just happy to have found that site.

Eagle Valley

For the first time since 1994, I saw the town and mountain of Vail in daylight. And spent a day riding a small part of the mountain. Over the years I'd heard people say, "oh you have to go ride Vail, it's amazing" And they were right. If I had the money I think I'd go there as much as possible. Saratonin and I only hit a small part of the front face of that mountain. Of course it work me pretty damn good and I was pretty much out of it the rest of the day.

Which was fine as we ended up in Eagle dining at the Gourmet China Restaurant which is like almost every Chinese restaurant you'll fine in a mountain town. As in decently priced, nice servers, and good food. This place seemed to be really into shrimp dishes. I don't have a problem with seafood in Colorado but sometimes shrimp this far from a large salt water body (and no the Great Salt lake does not count) scares me.

My sister lives in a small mountain town that the Eagle River flows through, it's a cool little town. I know I could never live there, Steamboat was small enough for me. Here place is a Hobbit hole of a place, that includes a sort of barn door as the outer door. I managed to not take any pictures of Minturn (and really nothing much else) while I was there but I have some ideas for shots the next time.

The drive back, I decided to get off the Interstate and take U.S. 24 back to Colorado Springs. I hadn't been that way since '96 or '97 so it was pretty neat to go that way. Which on a good say seems like it's some what faster and far more scenic that doing the I-25 to I-70 drive. So depending on the weather I'll probably go that way from now on. Not having to deal with the Denverite traffic is good and views are actually calming.

Anyway, I'll probably staying closer for the next couple of weeks. I have to move into my new studio in two weeks and I need to not be spending money. And I need to start boxing up my stuff yet again.

Anyone want to help me move on March 8? It's just going from one building to another and I don't have that much stuff.

Swetsville Zoo

Close up of Croc Driver
Originally uploaded by surly monkey

This weekend I went up to Ft. Collins. We ended up playing Rock Band most of the time, I can't play the drums but I did ok with the bass (of course that was the easy setting). If I had the money I'd spring for a PS3 just so I could play it more. Of course I don't have the money for that.

Sometimes I forget how much I enjoyed my time in Ft. Collins. The city reminds me of a town in the midwest, although a bit windier. The people who live there seem to have a similar attitude to the people back in the midwest. It's laid out in a grid like most cities back east and there are no big hills, it's mostly just rolling hills. The summer especially remind me of back east, streets there are tree-lined with what seems to be fairly old trees and you can bike almost anywhere. Unlike most towns in Colorado the older houses have porches, big porches.

On the way home I stopped at the Swetsville Zoo. My sister told me about it back when I lived in Ft. Collins and I've stopped by a few times but I never had my camera with me. It was deceptively cold with the wind so I wimped out after just taking a few pictures. I guess that means I'll just have to stop by when it's warmer to get a few more pictures. Maybe with some greenery around as well. It's a pretty interesting place, it consists of sculptures made out of old car and farm implement parts. Some of the stuff is sort of freaky and the guy who makes the pieces must have one interesting imagination.

Completely unrelated, I was pleasantly surprised to get a call from someone I haven't talked to in over ten years. It's pretty cool that these people from my past and I have been starting to reconnect in the last couple of years. And with a fair share of them, we've managed to stay in touch. I'm lucky that I have so many people in my past that I call and have called my friends. Lately, it's been a source of strength, considering what I've been going through.

It's pretty cool to pick up the phone and start back up close to where you left off. Even if it was over a decade ago.

Driving on Colorado Highway 9

mountains on Colorado Highway 9
Originally uploaded by surly monkey

Anytime I drive on the highways of Colorado, I always see something that is just spectacular. Well maybe not every time, but pretty damn close. Especially when there are clouds hanging over some mountain, I alway get a sense of some movie or photo that I can't remember where I've seen it.

This last drive I actually got out of the care a few times to take some pictures. Most of the time I just stick my camera to take a picture, the results are medicore at best. For whatever reason I seem to that someday I'll actually get a good picture that way.

Not that I planned on staying here fourteen years ago, but I was lucky enough to land in a state that has a lot of beautiful vistas. Those views are something that I don't try to capture often enough. And if I don't they soon leak from my mind. I will forget something I've told myself I won't forget if I don't capture it.

I doubt if I'm the only person that happens to. It annoys me sometimes but I just chalk it up to brain chemistry or the abuse I've put myself through in the past.

But hey, sometime I actually can capture that moment and that makes me happy.

Drunken idiot

Nick's guitar and Alex
Originally uploaded by surly monkey

It seems that most of Colorado was closed on Friday or at least the part I was trying to get to. I-70 was shut down for most of the day and Rabbit Ears Pass was closed until late. The plan was I was going to go up to Steamboat and ride Howelsen again but that kind of didn't work. I did make it up for the night on Saturday to see American Relay.

For the first time in either a long time or ever, I was targeted by a member of the crowd for taking pictures. It was some drunken idiot who was sorely in need of a shower and perhaps rehab (although Steamboat has a fair share of people that need it). He started by jumping in front of my camera and waving his hands around to block my shot. When I ignored him, he didn't seem to like it, he came up to me and started saying something about how I should be dancing and how he like to enjoy the moment and not remember it (or something like that, there was a band playing). I still ignored him and again he got in my face saying "put your camera in your pocket and dance". At that point I finally said something. I basically asked him if he was offended that I was taking pictures. He said yes. I was basically said, what I do is take pictures and what you do is dance, so piss off.

That still wasn't the end of it. Later I was on the other side of the stage (yes, the Taphouse has a small stage). He saw me there taking pictures with one hand and a beer in the other. He crashed right into me to make me spill my beer all over my camera. For the first time in forever I almost attacked him, but instead I cleaned off my camera and took more photos. Including this one, which was after the beer incident.

Of course, I will remember the show and I actually was able to get some decent shots despite the idiot.

And like always American Relay killed it.

Moving Pictures

Going to the video store lately has begun to present a challenge. It seems I've watched most of the movies that were high on my to watch list. I'm now to the point where I'll grab something I've never heard about or have heard questionable review. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. For instance, foreign films are hit or miss for me. A few that I've rented are completely awesome and I recommend them to other people, some are just awful and some I just get done watching it and thinking to myself "what did I just watch?".

For instance, tonight I watched this movie called Immortal which was based on a French comic book (that I'd never heard of). Visually the movie was awesome but I'm not sure if I really know what happened as far as the plot is concerned. If you want some eye-candy I'd say watch it. Perhaps something was lost in the translation. But it wasn't a stinker.

I have a hard time remembering what happened in a movie to begin with. Throw in a lot of slow moving and intricate plots and I just loose interest. Most of the time. Sometime it just takes a few times to get through and into a movie. It took me three times to final make it through Apocalypse Now. Not that it's bad or boring, but it moves really slow until the beach is stormed (I realize some people will debate this, oh well). Same thing with Blade Runner, which I think is one of the greatest movies ever make. But man does it move slow.

Anyway, I don't really know where I'm going with this. Somewhat related I think, is the fact that I don't remember moments in my life as sequences. I usually remember what I would call a snapshot of a memory. It seems that other people have memories more like a scene from a movie. I don't really. Some are like that but a majority are more like a photo.

Maybe that's why I take pictures. I wonder if I make movies if I'll start remembering events like movies.

Little happy pills

I'm sitting here listening to Elliott Smith's Figure 8 album and to tell the truth it makes me a bit sad. Sad because the songs themselves are sad and sad that he wasn't able to stay around and make some more albums. Unfortunately, when he was alive I didn't really know who he was. And I didn't really start listening to him until last year. I guess I sort of missed out but I'm glad to get to hear what he left behind.

Why are people who are so creative so tortured inside? Once someone said to me that great art comes from conflict and struggle. At the time I didn't agree with that statement but I'm starting to see the wisdom in it. I missed the part where that conflict can come from inside.

Which leads me to something else I've been thinking about lately. For the last nine months or so I've been on an antidepressant. I want to stop taking them. Now may not be the greatest time to do it but I don't want to be tied to them anymore. I can't remember what my emotional state was before being on it but I'm not sure if I like how I feel on it now. And I think it's contributing to some weight gain as well. Sometimes I think I was better off when I still smoked (not really). Part of me thinks that if I were to get off of them that more creative side I used to have would come out.

The flipside is that my anxieties and depressions would probably be heightened at least in the short term. And I'm not so sure that is worth it. Although I still have that horrible social anxiety whether I'm on them or not.

I still have a months worth, so I guess I don't have to make the decision just yet. I just don't think I want to be tied to these little pills for the rest of my life.

Out of the box turtle

There was a time not that many years ago where I could walk up to just about anyone and start a conversation. At some point that changed and I became shy again. I'm not sure what happened or exactly when it did. It happened sometime when I moved to Colorado. I was talking to one of my friends last night and he said I was a social person. That is not the way I see myself, but so few of see ourselves for what we really are.

Of course, some of my isolationist tendencies are self-imposed. And now they've become so ingrained that they've first nature. I still have a hard time being the initiator of a conversations and especially with members of the opposite sex (and right now I'm torn between bitter to that gender or really wanting attention from that gender). Once I get started, I seem to do ok. It's just a matter of that initial push that I haven't got the hang of. I think in sales they call it the hook. Which seems sort of sad to me, but it does seem to work for a lot of people.

On a wholly unrelated note, my humble opinion is that "King of Carrot Flowers part 1" and "King of Carrot Flower parts 2&3" is one of the greatest rock songs that never hit the airwaves (well other than Indie Pop Rocks on Soma FM), which was recorded by Neutral Milk Hotel. They put out at least two albums and then just stopped. Thankfully we still had Elf Power.

Out and about or something

At the beginning of the weekend I ended up at a couple of art events with a couple friends of mine. The first being a black and white photography show that was pretty cool, perhaps a bit traditional but cool nonetheless. There was one print in particular that was for sale but not on display that was pretty much amazing. The second was a gallery opening, and there was a bunch of different stuff there, some of which was influenced by graffiti, and one series that was influenced by the Star Wars mythos and some other sci-fi concepts.

Going to stuff like that always makes me want to start playing with my camera more than I have been. Or paint something, not that I can paint or draw (manual dexterity was never my strong point). I did get out and take few photos but nothing spectacular.

The same night I finally went to some bars in downtown Colorado Springs, some of which were actually pretty cool. Now I'm ready for the weather to warm up so I can start riding my bicycle to go out on the nights I can go out. I even got a phone number but I don't think it really counts (I already knew her from work, but we'd never spoke socially).

So I guess in a way this was kind of the first time I've really broken out of my shell here in this town. And even though I don't particularly like this town, I have to admit I had fun and there are some cool people here.

Noises

In addition to the albums I wrote about the other day, I've been going through a big noise phase again. This time I've been going back as far as Sun Ra. Listening to what little amount of his stuff, I hear his influence in alot of the noise music I've picked up over the years. Not that surprisingly, I hear a lot references to Sun Ra in the music of Sonic Youth. Admittedly, since it's jazz the influence is subtle but very present.

In a way, I wonder if going through a noise phase as anything to do with my current mental state. The world around me seems pretty chaotic and perhaps listening to noise allows me to exert some control over my surroundings. Or maybe it just helps me make sense of the chaos around me. Of course it could mean nothing and I just really like discordant music (which may be closer to the truth).

Of course, the world around me will probably stay chaotic. From what I can see, throughout our lives there are very few things that are static. That's probably the way things are supposed to be. I can live with that.

Placing

About fifteen minutes ago I looked out the window and it was snowing horizontally, I just now looked out and there is noting falling from the sky. Such is the weather here in Colorado. Even though I'm not playing in it like I used to, I still like the snow. You will rarely if ever hear me actually complaining about the snow. The other people on the road, or when the road aren't really snowy but icy instead, you will hear me bitch about those things.

There's a big chunk of me that wishes I'd have never left Steamboat (especially with the snow they are getting this year). Something tells me that if I had stayed, I wouldn't be as stressed out like I am now. Of course, if I had stayed I'd have all of the old issues that I had when I was there (like being bored). But I have/had close friends there, and even though I didn't always think I belonged there I had my place in that town. And all in all it was a good place.

Perhaps what I'm getting at is that idea of a sense of place that people who are smarter than me talk about. I don't feel like I have one here, I have work but that not really a place. That's where I spend my time, of course that where I know people from (that and the bartender from the place down the road (I go there because I can walk there)). Or maybe it's that I'm just now starting to develop one here in Colorado Springs. Perhaps when I find a spot that I just really have to take a picture of then I will have found my sense of place in Colorado Springs. That or some people I want to take snapshots of.

Slow reaction

My computer is so old that it doesn't handle Java of Flash very well. This presents a problem when I try to type anything in on Blogger. there is a several second delay from what I've typed to when it appears on the screen. And it sort of drives me nuts. Watching that lag that is.

Lag has always driven me crazy when it comes to using computers. I remember back in the day of playing MUD and just getting frustrated when my character would get killed off due to lag. I guess the new word for it is latency, but I'm not an online gamer so I don't really have to worry about it anymore.

Anyway, it's really not that important but it still drives me bat shit.

It's strange to finally come to the conclusion that I'm at the age now where my peers are at the point of starting all over again sometimes. And I seem to wonder if I've ever started. although this current situation is close enough to a divorce that I don't ever want to go through one. I know enough people who are my age who are either on their second marriage or have or just now got out of their firs. Scary. and yet it's inevitable that at this point it would be common.

I'm still amazed at this growing up process I guess. I was able to delay quite a bit of it all of those years in Steamboat (although I still did grow up, it was just different). And there are days when I just want to go back there because life was so much simpler. But I can't, I do need to move on. Even if I don't like the idea of it.

On the iPod

Music I've been listening to:

Battles - Mirrored

Yeah, the best album of 2007 that I picked up in 2008. There's been moments where I've had to make myself stop listening to it. It's that good to me. I guess I heard them at Pitchfork and remember wanting to pick up some of their stuff. I have a hard time describing it. Battles have several rhythms going at once, there's vocal but not in any real language. Like I said, hard to describe.

Beirut - The Flying Club Cup and Lon Gisland EP

It's folky, it's pretty. Old world influences, hints of jazz and sprinkles of indie vocals abound in both of these recordings. Strings and trumpets play off each other. It sort of takes me somewhere I probably need to be. The singer has a voice that is like another instrument. It's good mellow night music (I mean that in a good way)

Hella - Chirpin Hard/Church Gone Wild

Ow, my freaking ears! Unlistenable in the best way possible. Noise and discordant beats. Just the way I like it.

Rob Crow - Living Well

For a guy that looks as burly as he does on the album cover, he can write a nice melodic pop song. Half of Pinback, apparently the pop half. I find myself popping this in on a long drive and not noticing the next hour go by.

And there's a bunch of other stuff I still haven't really listened too. Sheesh

Anxiously trying to sleep

There is this moment when I wake up in the morning that I don't remember the reality of my situation. After about the equivalent of a cup of coffee, reality peeks through and the anxiety starts kicking in.

Last weekend I went up to Steamboat and finally got a decent nights sleep. And I didn't get that anxious feeling after waking up. In fact I didn't get it until I got in the car to drive back to Colorado Springs. I've been taking medication for a while and I thought it was supposed to reduce my anxiety. So for now I'll just try to remember to breathe.

Sorry to be such a downer.

But over the weekend I really rode Howelsen Hill for the first time ever. It was a blast.

rising slowly rising

There's been a few times in the last few months were I meant to get something down here but for whatever reason I'd stop myself. It's probably fairly common knowledge that I'm going through another rough patch in my life. Without going into to many details, Phrank and I broke up over something fairly stupid and this was it. No more.

So that's that. The process seems to be what a divorce could feel like to me. Maybe I'm wrong but part of me wants that paper from a judge that says it a decree of dissolution.

I'm at that point of trying to figure out what to do. If I have to carry out the lease then that is what I'll do. Oh well. I can stand staying in this town for one more summer. Maybe start making friends right before I leave.

Anyone who knows any relatively sane women in their thirties (or near thirties) in Colorado Springs, let me know.