Never odd or even

So I'm sitting here with the cat in my lap. He's headbutting my arm, I haven't figured out just why he does that but he does.

Oh yeah, I have a cat now. Horatio his is name. He came to me from one of the members of American Relay. Not sure if I'm just watching him or if he is mine but we'll see.

Sitting here on my Friday night, part of me feels like I should have left the apartment but I'm bored with the one decent bar within walking distance. Not to mention that I always seem to be hungover after going there.

I've been in this dissatisfied state for a while and I can't seem to figure out what I want. I've never been one to really know what I want to begin with so that doesn't help matters. Work is ok, I don't hate it but I don't love it. It'll do for now, and as long as I'm in this town it is where pretty much all of my friends in town work. It's the first time in a long time that my social life as been so involved with my work life (well Steamboat was that way to a degree, but not like this).

Then there is the split between my desire to have someone in my life and my lack of desire to go out and try the dating/meeting people scene.

Shortly after my accident, I asked out one of the women that was involved with my healing. Surprisingly, she said yes, considering the condition I was in. We went out for a few months and then she called it off, telling me she didn't want to be involved with anyone. Not that long after, I log into Facebook one morning and her status has gone from single to engaged. Just like that. I'm not that broken up over it but I am taken aback and stuff like that always leaves me wondering.

As far as relationships, I just don't want to get beat up and run over again. At this point I need to protect myself (or so I think). What do I know?

Anyway. On a completely different note, one of the best vinyl scores this year was The Cave Singers "Invitation Songs" for $1.99 in the used bin at Independent Records here in town. The album was released in 2007 on Matador. I think whoever sold it thought it was going to be a metal album or something. At times it can be really dark but it's got a quite a bit of folk overtones.

Oh yeah and a King Diamond picture disc. Good stuff.

Hold fast to the center

It's been awhile. I've not wanted to come back here after the accident. I can't really explain it. It's kind of like the time my backpack was stolen with my journal in it when I was in college. I stopped writing for years when that happened.

So maybe I'm trying this again or maybe this is a one time thing, I'm not that sure.

One of the last times I quit doing this was after I started going out with Phrank, at that point my sister commented "well now you have nothing to complain about so why do the blog?". Sadly, I think she may have been right.

I'm not that sure if I have that much to complain about any more though. Sure I could complain about how I'm single yet again (and eventually that story will come out), but that gets pretty boring after awhile. And I rarely deal with customers directly anymore, so there isn't that much to mine from that.

Perhaps the deal is now I just feel stagnant and I don't really have any idea where I'm at. So much for a spectacular re-entry into this (I hesitate to say blogging due to that stupid Twix commercial).

But earlier today someone asked for recommendations for emo and shoegazer music. I have no idea what is now considered emo. To me emo is still Texas is the Reason, The Getup Kids and the like. And the granddaddys of that are Fugazi, or at least the first two albums (of course this is all my opinion and I am leaving out quite a bit as far as old school emo). And then there is Hot Water Music which I would still classify as emo but what do I know. To me true emo died sometime in the mid to late nineties.

Shoegazer bands on the other hand are still recording. It started back in the UK with bands like Ride and Slowdive (I know I'm missing something here but I don't care, I grew up in the States and this is what I know). To me the first two Swervedriver albums (Raise and Mezcal Head) really define UK shoegazer music. But then the Scots perfected it when Mogwai hit the scene. And to a lesser extent The Twilight Sad (and yeah, I know I'm skipping a whole lot of UK shoegazer bands). But it gets tricky when you try to put American bands in the mix. I'd thow in Yo La Tengo but they go into so many other paths it's just not right to pigeonhole them as shoegazer. Built to Spill, yeah you could put them in there, and most of the side project like the Halo Benders and the like. Heck at times, Sonic Youth could be thrown in there, but I can hear the grumbles now.

I'm never good at classifying bands into certain genres, it seems most of them drift in or out of any slot they get put in. And it's not like I'm a music critic or anything. But it seems that what could be called shoegazer is what I seem to have the most of. And I still can figure out where to put Death Cab for Cutie. I think they could be both.

See, no whining about my status.

What Happened?

Almost a week ago, I came to in the CAT Scan tube at Memorial Hospital here in Colorado Springs. And that memory is fuzzy at best. The last thing I remember before that was talking to some people at the neighborhood watering hole.

When I finally became cognizant, I was talking to a policeman and ER staff who told me I had been in a bicycle accident. Actually at that point, I think they were doing most of the talking. They weren't sure what happened, maybe I got hit by a car, maybe I took a spill.

Nonetheless, I was messed up. My face was a bloody swollen mess, some of my teeth were bent in (not broken!) and my left eye was swollen so much I couldn't see out of it.

My friend Jeremy picked me up from the ER, after a few hours I called him to take pharmacy for painkillers, I was in pain. In the meantime the (her words) psychotic ex girlfriend learned what happened and told me in no uncertain terms that she was going to watch me until my sister got here. And then she took care of me until then. And made me juice, and put towels on me to soak up the blood. My left eye oozed blood for the first two days.

That was day one.

Since that day there has so many people helping and offering to help, I was overwhelmed. Currently my brother is here for about a week.

I ended up breaking about 10-15 bones in my face but they were all clean enough that I don't need any surgery. Somehow I managed not to sustain a head wound (I think because my face took the brunt of the impact) and no brain damage. However, I did crack the upper palate in my mouth and now have my jaw wire shut for 3-6 weeks.

But I'm pretty damn lucky. I'm lucky to be alive and to have come out of this as unscathed as I did. I suspect this could be one of those defining events for me.

As to what happened, I have no idea. It still hasn't come back to me. Last night I went back to the bar where the ambulance picked me up and got a few details filled. What I can piece together is that some woman called 9-11 saying that there was someone laying in the road by the post office. After she called, I somehow managed to get up and go back to the bar for help. The bartender that was working that night told me I didn't know my name, where I was and what happened. I just showed up at the back door of the bar like something out of a horror movie.

What I suspect happened is I got clipped or hit by a car. I've taken spills on my bike when intoxicated before but not like this. There were no marks on my hands for one.

I'll never know exactly what happened that night. I'm glad to still be here though.

Done

Once again I find myself slacking here. Sorry to the all two of you regular readers. You know who you are (seriously, I'm down to just you two).

And I've been slacking on my picture taking, although now that it's starting to get green outside again I probably will find myself motivated to start taking more photos. I was really getting bummed out by all the gray. Rarely if ever will you hear me complain about snow, but I was/am getting sick of the cold gray and tan surroundings. We didn't really get that much snow this winter although it was threating to snow at some point today.

I've given up or at least I don't care anymore. As far as the womenfolk go. I'm not pining to be with anyone (it'd be nice) and I don't even know if I want to be bothered with getting involved with anyone. Having said that, it doesn't mean my eyes are closed. The last time I took this stance I ended up on a three year dry spell. And by dry spell I mean nothing. No dates, no hand holding and nothing else. That part wasn't exactly ok. And in fact I'm torn between what exactly giving up means. Does it mean to completely disengage or just not care anymore. Does giving up mean I'm not able to show interest or just that at this point either way is ok with me. Crud, if I'm asking these questions does that mean I haven't given up?

Ugh. I'm going to bed.

Get this out of my head

Apparently, I'm not depressed just obsessive. And I wish my obsessiveness was directed at keeping my place clean instead of the direction it has been heading.

Ever since I'm stopped taking the meds, I've had a certain type of thought continue to run through my head. Mostly, when I'm at home and not really engaged in anything else. I don't really remember having these kinds of thought patterns before but I was on the meds long enough that I don't really remember what it was like before that. Especially in the place I am now. Before, I was still living in Steamboat with a fairly strong support system that I could talk things out. I have that here but to a much smaller degree. And sometimes I feel I have to watch what I say or it will come back to haunt me.

Geez, I feel like everytime I write something here, I'm just working the same question over and over again.

Try this, we finally had our first thundershowers today. Actually the thunder and lightning started last night. It has been a long time since I heard thunder (except for that thundersnowstorm we had last month) with rain and lightning. I was talking to another person today about how I still miss the all day thunderstorms back in the midwest. We just don't get those here. Hell, by the time I left work today the sun was out and pretty much everything was completely dry.

And I've had the Avett Brothers stuck in my head all week.

Booze vs. Pills

I'm down to one prescription. And I'm trying to get my dosage back down. Unfortunately it's a sleeping pill to combat my chronic insomnia. Back when I had work that didn't require as much brain power as the one I have now, there was a certain drug that could be purchased on the black market that took care of the insomnia. It doesn't seem that I can use that one anymore on days that I have to go to work as it leaves me really fuzzy. And I'm not always that great with how it makes me feel. Booze works but then there are the hangovers. But that's what I'm doing this week. Trying to find that happy medium of alcohol that well let me sleep but not make me too drunk that it hurts in the morning.

Preferably, I wouldn't self-medicate but a sleepless night is worse that a few nights of light drinking. And I've found that scotch seems to be the best, I feel pretty clean and rested in the morning after a two or three rocks glasses. Tonight it's wine and beer. The goal here is to not take the pills for a week so my tolerance decreases back to what it was when I first started them. I realize it's not the best solution but for now it's seems to be working.

At least I'm off the other medication, which I really think was causing more problems than fixing. It was an antidepressant that I sort of let myself get talked in starting. I mentioned in an email tonight to a friend that I think I actually feel better off of it than I did when I was on it. Yeah, I'm susceptible to bouts of depression and those bouts suck but I always realize that at some point it will go away. The meds work great for some people and when those meds work for who they are supposed to, that's great. I'm probably just not one of them. Or at least at this point.

The one drawback of using booze as a sleep aid is getting online. I end up inadvertently sending emails and posting comments that I normally wouldn't. In fact, last night I think I may have accidentally asked a someone out through a social network comment. Although, if she agrees then that wouldn't be such a bad thing.

The cold spot on the bathroom floor

I finished my smoke in the bathroom, stood up to light the incense (to wash out the cigarette smell) and put my foot in the cold spot where my scotch glass had been sitting. All of a sudden I realized I can feel again. Perhaps not the best way to come such a realization, with the glow of scotch warming me up but nonetheless it's there. For so long I've been completely numb to what's been going on inside me. Whether it was the medication that was doing that to me or I have just been suppressing everything, I'm not sure.

After getting over the first week of quitting the medication (which was a descent into obsessive hell) I've started feeling things again. And yeah, it's been both sides of the coin. I have my moments of darkness but on the same hand I can laugh again and it doesn't feel hollow. It probably doesn't hurt that the sun is out again and I've attempted to be outside, whether just walking around or riding my bike (I still haven't been skating like I should be).

Another thing about going off the meds is I've been doing a bit more introspection, not much but a bit more than before. And I can't decide anything. I've always been a fairly solitary person and for the most part that's fine. I can handle being alone. But there are moments when I want company. Then I ask myself is it worth it? Do I really want to go through that agonizing process of getting back out there and meeting people for the sake of having company when I am lonely? Or am I really just better off flying solo? After the last few relationships, I'm inclined to say in the long run I'm better off alone. At least if I'm alone I never have to go through the pain of the end of a relationship.

If I were fifteen years younger it wouldn't be a problem. But those days are long gone. And that's something I accepted a long time ago.

Softer this time

After heeding my brother's concern I decided to delete last night post and the comment that went with it (and there are so few of those these days). But they were both correct to have expressed their concerns to me. And I glad that I have the kind of siblings who are afraid to tell me I've stepped over a line.

What I think I was trying to say is that in a completely irrational way, is that there is a part of me that would like to know that people who cause me pain will end getting the same kind and then some. The pain I'm talking here it the emotional roller coaster that I still find myself ridding at the age of 36. Part of growing up was to be that you get figure this stuff out faster as you get older.

Or so I was lead to believe. As you get older and you meet people who are older than you and they don't seem to have figured much out. Although sometimes people like that are a good milepost to see which direction one is heading. For instance, when we're out the other night some older drunk guy dame up to us and told us a pretty lame joke. I think to myself, I really don't want to end up like him. The sad thing is, I'm not so sure how close I could wind up being like him. I know I'd have to really start drinking a lot more cheap beer and even cheaper whiskey. And lose a few more teeth.

So for those of you that read this deleted post. I was rambling. Instead of doing anything about it by way of a grand shceme, I'm going to leave it alone. And may try to develop subtle mind control powers. That would be far more satisfactory. And it could become a hobby.

Don't worry about me, I'll be fine. I just started certain parts of the grieve process a bit late that's all.

Three days

Now that I have three days off in a row, I'm not really sure what to do with myself. Today I had to make myself find things to do, although I did go skate for the first time in months (I can already feel the winter weight dropping). I have this feeling I'm going to have to start leaving town more often just so I don't consume myself with boredom and obsession. I found myself consumed with thought today that I really didn't want in my head. Which lead to me going out and finding things to do. I finally had to give Jeremy a call and say "I'm bored, let's go get a drink." Thankfully that was at a respectable hour.

I did come to the conclusion at the skatepark today that I am really out of shape again. So I guess I'm going to have to start hitting the parks again. Which having three days off will help with this, I can head down to Trinidad without feeling rushed. And I have until the beginning of June to have the parks to myself or at least me and the other old farts.

One thing I've noticed after I quit taking the meds is that I seem to obsess about things that I didn't before. My guess is that the particular medication I was one evened me out to the point where that wasn't even really an option. Wow, welcome to mental clarity or whatever. I don't regret my choice to go off them. I feel better for the most part, but having to stop myself from thinking certain things is a new thing again. I'm not going into detail about what I've been obsessing about, it's immature and unproductive at best. But it's weird, now I think it must have always been there and the meds were suppressing those thoughts.

Strangely, when I first started taking that medication it seemed that I was able to concentrate more than I was before. I'm not so sure now. Perhaps I just deluded myself into thinking that was a benefit of the meds. I know that it seemed to kill whatever creative spark I had left and that is part of the reason I stopped taking them (that and I was sick of the wicked hangovers after having just a couple of drinks). I'm still not of the woods yet, I suspect I have at least another week before they are completely out of my system.

I went on these drugs because I thought I was depressed and prone to depression. And I am prone to it and it sucks. But at this point I think I'd rather feel the whole thing than just be leveled out. I still have a stash if it ever seems to get too rough. But I think I can ride it out.

I think I'll go skate Canon City tomorrow.

Red Flags

So about two weeks ago, I got the phone number of a lady (I may have mentioned this). Finally last night I left a message on her machine. Part of the reason I waited so long to call was that there were a couple of red flags that popped up when I met her. After this last relationship there are a few things that I know I don't want to be involved with. One of those is alcoholics, recovering or active. And I suspect if this lady isn't an alcoholic, she may have a drinking problem at least. Admittedly, I've been know to go out and have a few drinks, or have a couple here at home. But I've never considered myself to be someone with a drinking problem.

Having said that, last night I was out at the bar by my house and the bartender asked me if I had done anything about her. He then proceeded to confirm my suspicions and tell me that I probably shouldn't even bother with her. Apparently she was in there before I was and her behavior was that of someone I want nothing to do with.

Seems my hesitation was the right call for this situation. Of course, now I'm starting at square one as far as potential people to date. Oh well, this is not the first time. I think I need to find some new places to met women.

Breaking the strings

It's been almost a week since I took the last pill. Not that quitting the antidepressants was a conscious choice. But after not taking them for four days and the worst to happen was a headache that the ibuprofen could take care of I think I'm just going to stop all together. I was out with the boys from work last night and one of them commented that I seem happier than I have in a while, perhaps as long as he's known me.

I was always wondered a bit as to why I agreed to be on them. There was a bit of peer pressure at the time, and one of my flaws is at times I succumb to peer pressure. And I guess at the time I thought I needed them. Perhaps they served their purpose but now I want to not be even keeled anymore. I actually want to know what things feel like.

With the break up several months behind me, I think I'm in the place to stop taking them. Oh sure, I may obsess about her at times but I'm pretty good about keeping that suppressed to begin with.

Of course, I still have my sleeping pills. For a night owl like me who has to be at work earlier and earlier, I doubt if I could sleep without them (actually I can, but it takes a different kind of self medication). And so I'll stay on those, the worst side effect the have is that I'm a touch groggy in the morning. But it's not something coffee can't take care off.

I've also decide that I'm going to spend a fair amount of my next three days off working on getting this place together. Mostly because my last trip out of town I dumped everything in the middle of the floor and still haven't moved much of it to where it really belongs. And I still have photos to hang up and music to figure out what to do with. Or at least a way to display it. And I need a chair. One that I can sit in and read or watch a movie. Preferably one that reclines (then I could fall asleep in it).

Oh well, starting Sunday I get three days in a row off for the first time ever.

Thunder Snow

It was dumping snow when I got out of work. Almost as soon as I walked out of the door there was a clap of thunder in the middle of this snowstorm. Just one clap but it was thunder. It's been years since I've heard thunder in the middle of a snowstorm and before today there was only one other time I'd experience such a thing.

It's sort of weird to hear thunder in a snowstorm. I suspect Colorado is one of the few places one can witness this type of thing. Before I came here I'd never heard of it. After I'd been here people would talk about it but it was several years before I ever heard it.

Part of me wishes it was a full on thunder snowstorm. Actually more than a part of me. That would have been pretty cool.

There is good news in my work thing as well. I've been reassigned to the helpdesk which means I'm off the phones for the most part. Now instead of dumb customers I mostly have to deal with dumb agents. But at least now I don't have to take random calls from irate customers. Other than having to call them back to let them know that we had to set up an all day window to get their digital telephone installed. The cool thing is that I'll be learning a bunch of new stuff. I'm not sure how practical it will be but it can't hurt.

Which also means no more telling people their phone or internet isn't working because they need tp plug their modem back in.

little steps

It's that time of night where the generic Ambien kicks in and I get this sort of light headed tired feeling. My doctor told me that Ambien acts a hypnotic, I can fee that it put me in a certain state. A state almost like being drunk without being drunk. My motor skills aren't quite what they were a half an hour ago. And there are some perceptual shifts around here. Curves that weren't there seen to show up and the floor seems to develop when I'm walking around the apartment. There are times I consider taking maybe one more than I should just to see what would happen. Of course it would have to be when I'm not working the next day. It could be interesting.

For the first time in a long time I did manage to get the phone number of a woman this weekend, which I think means I'm taking my small baby steps and getting back in the game. And I think tomorrow is the day I'm supposed to call her. It's been so many years, I can't remember the rules of the game.

The one thing is, if I am starting to date again, I need to be careful. There is a list of red flags that I've come up with. I'm not so sure how serious some of them are, but some of them are hard and fast. I'm not really going to outline them here, other than sanity is high on the list. No longer do I want to be around people who are not sane. Perhaps thats unfair, because all but one maybe two were clinically sane. But I guess crazy takes various forms.

And I'm still looking for a plant to put up in here. And hang those damn photos that are haunting me.

The revolution skipped a beat or two

It seems that when I make a trip to the video store, I almost always end up with either a documentary or some form of Japanese animation to watch.

Tonight I watched The Weather Underground. I've always been curious about this group, although I'm not really sure why. It was an interesting documentary, though. Mostly told from the point of view from some of the radicals themselves with a bit of one of the FBI agents that tracked them thrown in for balance. The thing that struck me is that these people believed that the revolution was right around the corner. I can't really say that I've ever thought that in my life. Or at least not that there would be some radical overall of the current system like these folks believed. Perhaps I just grew up in an age that was more cynical, or perhaps the repression that these people spoke about was/is true.

There was a time in Indiana that I did believe that the Indiana and the midwest in general was going to revolutionize music. This was right after Seattle broke and there were just so many good bands in the midwest playing all kinds of music. That never really happened but damn it felt like it was just around the corner. And I'm not the only one who thought that. Over the years I've talked to people from back there who felt the same. We were young and naive back then. What none of us realized is that for a area to take off musically it needs to be near a coast. And the closest coast to Indiana is the Third Coast. Admittedly, Chicago has alway had a thriving scene (and I'm not saying that midwest cities don't) but the hotbeds for music labels seem to be on the main coasts or slightly inland.

Or I could be old and jaded.

That pile in my kitchen

Well, I'm finally in my new place with just me and my computers. The apartment still looks a little sparse as I haven't framed and hung any photos but I have a few in mind. And the corner in the kitchen has boxes of Cd's, records and god knows what else. That's OK I remembered that I can stow stuff under my bed again. Plus if nothing else there is actually a lot of storage space (which right now is filled with mostly empty boxes that I keep telling myself will come in handy the next time I move somewhere (which could be a matter of months or longer).

Looking at all of my stuff piled haphazardly in boxes, I realized this time before I put those boxes bad on the shelf I really need to go through them. The truth is most of the items fall into just a few categories. I think the biggest category would probably be various forms of correspondence I've received over the years. There are letters from people I vaguely remember, there are letters and cards from relative who've since passed on (one Granny in particular). Friends who were writing me back after I'd written then a drunken letter (I've always been more of a drunken writer as opposed to a drunk dialer. And I need to go through those letters, not so much to get rid of them but perhaps to organize them.

Another category is the trinkets and toys that people have given me (and I've bought for myself) over the years. An example is the little green alien statue that always seems to end up on my bookshelf at some point or in a plant. Of which I haven't picked any up yet. I need to get at least one.

And then there is the truly random crap that I can never seem to part with. Like the notebook from college that I just can seem to part with. Or the miniature stuffed skunk named Buster. Stuff like that. And I'm of course the dork who is sitting in front of two very old computers. One for Internet and one for photos and music.

It"s getting there.

That box of photos

The world is in a cubicle
Originally uploaded by surly monkey

Unpacking can sometimes be as tedious as moving for me sometimes. Hell, most of the time I never fully unpack. I just leave most of the stuff in the boxes I put them in and drag them from city to city. At some point I should really go through those boxes and see how much of that stuff I really need to keep. A lot of it is old letters from people either long forgotten or dead, so I hold onto it. But it could be consolidated.

At some point I acquired a scanner. Since I don't have an Internet connection at home right now (come on Saturday!), I spent part of the last two evening going through old photos and scanning some of them in. It seems I take better pictures when I use digital, either that or my skills have progressed more. That and my old film camera was a point and shoot. It is good for what it does but my digital cameras have been much more flexible.

Sorry I got sidetracked there. My point actually was that going back through those old photos always triggers a flood of memories. There's pictures of all the dogs in my life, former roommates, friends from long ago and at least one former girlfriend that I still miss sometimes (at least a lot more than the others). I'm not sure if I'd really want to relive those years again but sometimes I think those times were better than now. Of course, we always remember the past probably better that it really was. But I look at the few photos of me from back then and I'm smiling. And it doesn't seem to be forced like it is now. Maybe in a way I was more innocent or at least less jaded.

Nonetheless, I can't go back to those years even if I wanted to and I am better off now than I was then. But I still want a piece of that guy back.

Some song about a bird that's free

Soon I'll truly be living by myself. No ex girlfriend's stuff to look at. No needy cats. Just my little place which is basically going to be a room as it's an one bath studio. But I get a balcony and I can have plants again.

Actually, having plants again is a big bonus and that may be one of the first things I buy for the place. That and a trash can, plate, bowl and a set of flatware. Maybe I should get two of each (well not the trash can). As some can attest, when I lived up in Steamboat I had some really nice plants that I gave away. The good news is someone up there has started clipping from my old plants. So in a way I'll be getting them back. At least genetically.

It is a really small place, the truth is I haven't seen it yet but it's in the same complex so I know it will be clean when I move in. The management company seems to do a pretty good job of getting places ready for the next tenants.

Some folks at work are trying to get me to have a house warming party, but I seriously think that only six people or so could be there at a time. So maybe I'll have my house warming party at the bar down the street. That could be fun. And one guy ask if he could bring a plant. Of course. He can bring the plant to the bar.

One of the strong pulls I have about going to Indiana is that there is a much longer growing season and the earth was make for growing plants. I'm lucky that my parents have a big enough spread that if nothing else I could have a small portion to start a garden. I'd have to start with the simple hardy stuff. And maybe some daisies and columbines if I can get them to grow there.

A few nights back, I was telling some lady about how I'm moving back. When she asked why, I started talking about the earth there. The earth and the soil and how the land of that place gets inside you and never leaves. Or at least some of us.

I'll talk to friends who escaped Indiana, and many of them want to return at some point. Mostly the ones who grew up in the Indy area. We seem to be feeling that pull as we get older. It was probably inevitable. And my friends who are staying where they are still live some where they could have nice garden if they wanted to. Maybe there is something to soil in Indiana.

And if anyone in Colorado Springs reads this and wants to help move a couple of boxes this weekend let me know. I'll get a round at the Point when we're done.

Running out boxes

Moving sucks. Right now it beats the alternative, and I'm only moving one building over but it still sucks. Tonight I boxed up most of my book and have come to the conclusion that I'm due to have another bookshelf. Seeing how I haven't actually seen my new place, I think I may just end up with stacks on thee floor. It'll be like living in a bookstore, all I'll need is a cat.

Perhaps it's not the moving so much as the packing before moving, It didn't take that long to box up the box. But I stopped and thought to myself, "well this is going to screw up my system". Not that I have much of system other than trying to keep books by the same author together. And sometime try to shoot for a bit on genre continuity.

But then I hit myself with authors like Kurt Vonnegut (RIP), some his stuff could sort of go in SciFi but he never really wrote SciFi. Yeah some of his stuff was set in SciFi worlds and situation but I would never classify him as SciFi. He wrote like a grumpy man that told stories of horrible things happening to people and yet there was a strong sense of hope underneath it. Like the man said (I don't know which man) his (Vonnegut's) stories were sugar pills with bitter coatings.

Being that I am a geek, my SciFi collection has grown exponentially over the last year or so. I started by picking up some of the classics that I read back in middleschool and high school. Like Isaac Assimov, Arthur C. Clarke, A Canticle for Lebinwitz and other stuff like that. Then I moved into Neal Stephenson who writes some amazing stories and has moved onto volumes of historical fiction.

Which I guess means most of these last few guys will end up close by each other on the shelf. And then there's all the other stuff.

And I haven't even started looking at the CDs and vinyl. You may find me trying to sell some of that stuff off on either craigslist or ebay.com. Music is the worst to try to organize for me. I can never think of were to put things. Like should Bob Mould solo stuff/Sugar go next to the Hüsker Dü? Or should Hüsker Dü go closer to Fugazi and Sonic Youth?

And this is why I hate packing.

And now a word from our sponsor

A few months back I started a subscription at emusic.com. Mostly because last summer at Pitchfork they were passing out cards with free downloads and there was a free sampler with bands from the festival. I've kept the subscription going as I keep finding things to download, and I'd like to think that some of the money makes it's way to the bands. And unlike the iTunes store everything you download is just mp3 format, so no DRM.

The cool thing is, I've downloaded music that I would have never purchased or even heard. Just the other night I discovered godspeed you! black emperor, who have proceeded to blow me away. They have this epic length pieces that are almost classical in arrangement but with added distortion and found audio samples. I don't think I've found a single piece of their's that is less than ten minutes long. Too long to even hear the whole thing one the way to or from work.

It helped me find stuff for my recent and somewhat ongoing jazz phase as well. The sight has a ton of Sun Ra recordings among other things.

Dang I sound like a shill, but I really am just happy to have found that site.

Eagle Valley

For the first time since 1994, I saw the town and mountain of Vail in daylight. And spent a day riding a small part of the mountain. Over the years I'd heard people say, "oh you have to go ride Vail, it's amazing" And they were right. If I had the money I think I'd go there as much as possible. Saratonin and I only hit a small part of the front face of that mountain. Of course it work me pretty damn good and I was pretty much out of it the rest of the day.

Which was fine as we ended up in Eagle dining at the Gourmet China Restaurant which is like almost every Chinese restaurant you'll fine in a mountain town. As in decently priced, nice servers, and good food. This place seemed to be really into shrimp dishes. I don't have a problem with seafood in Colorado but sometimes shrimp this far from a large salt water body (and no the Great Salt lake does not count) scares me.

My sister lives in a small mountain town that the Eagle River flows through, it's a cool little town. I know I could never live there, Steamboat was small enough for me. Here place is a Hobbit hole of a place, that includes a sort of barn door as the outer door. I managed to not take any pictures of Minturn (and really nothing much else) while I was there but I have some ideas for shots the next time.

The drive back, I decided to get off the Interstate and take U.S. 24 back to Colorado Springs. I hadn't been that way since '96 or '97 so it was pretty neat to go that way. Which on a good say seems like it's some what faster and far more scenic that doing the I-25 to I-70 drive. So depending on the weather I'll probably go that way from now on. Not having to deal with the Denverite traffic is good and views are actually calming.

Anyway, I'll probably staying closer for the next couple of weeks. I have to move into my new studio in two weeks and I need to not be spending money. And I need to start boxing up my stuff yet again.

Anyone want to help me move on March 8? It's just going from one building to another and I don't have that much stuff.

Swetsville Zoo

Close up of Croc Driver
Originally uploaded by surly monkey

This weekend I went up to Ft. Collins. We ended up playing Rock Band most of the time, I can't play the drums but I did ok with the bass (of course that was the easy setting). If I had the money I'd spring for a PS3 just so I could play it more. Of course I don't have the money for that.

Sometimes I forget how much I enjoyed my time in Ft. Collins. The city reminds me of a town in the midwest, although a bit windier. The people who live there seem to have a similar attitude to the people back in the midwest. It's laid out in a grid like most cities back east and there are no big hills, it's mostly just rolling hills. The summer especially remind me of back east, streets there are tree-lined with what seems to be fairly old trees and you can bike almost anywhere. Unlike most towns in Colorado the older houses have porches, big porches.

On the way home I stopped at the Swetsville Zoo. My sister told me about it back when I lived in Ft. Collins and I've stopped by a few times but I never had my camera with me. It was deceptively cold with the wind so I wimped out after just taking a few pictures. I guess that means I'll just have to stop by when it's warmer to get a few more pictures. Maybe with some greenery around as well. It's a pretty interesting place, it consists of sculptures made out of old car and farm implement parts. Some of the stuff is sort of freaky and the guy who makes the pieces must have one interesting imagination.

Completely unrelated, I was pleasantly surprised to get a call from someone I haven't talked to in over ten years. It's pretty cool that these people from my past and I have been starting to reconnect in the last couple of years. And with a fair share of them, we've managed to stay in touch. I'm lucky that I have so many people in my past that I call and have called my friends. Lately, it's been a source of strength, considering what I've been going through.

It's pretty cool to pick up the phone and start back up close to where you left off. Even if it was over a decade ago.

Driving on Colorado Highway 9

mountains on Colorado Highway 9
Originally uploaded by surly monkey

Anytime I drive on the highways of Colorado, I always see something that is just spectacular. Well maybe not every time, but pretty damn close. Especially when there are clouds hanging over some mountain, I alway get a sense of some movie or photo that I can't remember where I've seen it.

This last drive I actually got out of the care a few times to take some pictures. Most of the time I just stick my camera to take a picture, the results are medicore at best. For whatever reason I seem to that someday I'll actually get a good picture that way.

Not that I planned on staying here fourteen years ago, but I was lucky enough to land in a state that has a lot of beautiful vistas. Those views are something that I don't try to capture often enough. And if I don't they soon leak from my mind. I will forget something I've told myself I won't forget if I don't capture it.

I doubt if I'm the only person that happens to. It annoys me sometimes but I just chalk it up to brain chemistry or the abuse I've put myself through in the past.

But hey, sometime I actually can capture that moment and that makes me happy.

Drunken idiot

Nick's guitar and Alex
Originally uploaded by surly monkey

It seems that most of Colorado was closed on Friday or at least the part I was trying to get to. I-70 was shut down for most of the day and Rabbit Ears Pass was closed until late. The plan was I was going to go up to Steamboat and ride Howelsen again but that kind of didn't work. I did make it up for the night on Saturday to see American Relay.

For the first time in either a long time or ever, I was targeted by a member of the crowd for taking pictures. It was some drunken idiot who was sorely in need of a shower and perhaps rehab (although Steamboat has a fair share of people that need it). He started by jumping in front of my camera and waving his hands around to block my shot. When I ignored him, he didn't seem to like it, he came up to me and started saying something about how I should be dancing and how he like to enjoy the moment and not remember it (or something like that, there was a band playing). I still ignored him and again he got in my face saying "put your camera in your pocket and dance". At that point I finally said something. I basically asked him if he was offended that I was taking pictures. He said yes. I was basically said, what I do is take pictures and what you do is dance, so piss off.

That still wasn't the end of it. Later I was on the other side of the stage (yes, the Taphouse has a small stage). He saw me there taking pictures with one hand and a beer in the other. He crashed right into me to make me spill my beer all over my camera. For the first time in forever I almost attacked him, but instead I cleaned off my camera and took more photos. Including this one, which was after the beer incident.

Of course, I will remember the show and I actually was able to get some decent shots despite the idiot.

And like always American Relay killed it.

Moving Pictures

Going to the video store lately has begun to present a challenge. It seems I've watched most of the movies that were high on my to watch list. I'm now to the point where I'll grab something I've never heard about or have heard questionable review. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. For instance, foreign films are hit or miss for me. A few that I've rented are completely awesome and I recommend them to other people, some are just awful and some I just get done watching it and thinking to myself "what did I just watch?".

For instance, tonight I watched this movie called Immortal which was based on a French comic book (that I'd never heard of). Visually the movie was awesome but I'm not sure if I really know what happened as far as the plot is concerned. If you want some eye-candy I'd say watch it. Perhaps something was lost in the translation. But it wasn't a stinker.

I have a hard time remembering what happened in a movie to begin with. Throw in a lot of slow moving and intricate plots and I just loose interest. Most of the time. Sometime it just takes a few times to get through and into a movie. It took me three times to final make it through Apocalypse Now. Not that it's bad or boring, but it moves really slow until the beach is stormed (I realize some people will debate this, oh well). Same thing with Blade Runner, which I think is one of the greatest movies ever make. But man does it move slow.

Anyway, I don't really know where I'm going with this. Somewhat related I think, is the fact that I don't remember moments in my life as sequences. I usually remember what I would call a snapshot of a memory. It seems that other people have memories more like a scene from a movie. I don't really. Some are like that but a majority are more like a photo.

Maybe that's why I take pictures. I wonder if I make movies if I'll start remembering events like movies.

Little happy pills

I'm sitting here listening to Elliott Smith's Figure 8 album and to tell the truth it makes me a bit sad. Sad because the songs themselves are sad and sad that he wasn't able to stay around and make some more albums. Unfortunately, when he was alive I didn't really know who he was. And I didn't really start listening to him until last year. I guess I sort of missed out but I'm glad to get to hear what he left behind.

Why are people who are so creative so tortured inside? Once someone said to me that great art comes from conflict and struggle. At the time I didn't agree with that statement but I'm starting to see the wisdom in it. I missed the part where that conflict can come from inside.

Which leads me to something else I've been thinking about lately. For the last nine months or so I've been on an antidepressant. I want to stop taking them. Now may not be the greatest time to do it but I don't want to be tied to them anymore. I can't remember what my emotional state was before being on it but I'm not sure if I like how I feel on it now. And I think it's contributing to some weight gain as well. Sometimes I think I was better off when I still smoked (not really). Part of me thinks that if I were to get off of them that more creative side I used to have would come out.

The flipside is that my anxieties and depressions would probably be heightened at least in the short term. And I'm not so sure that is worth it. Although I still have that horrible social anxiety whether I'm on them or not.

I still have a months worth, so I guess I don't have to make the decision just yet. I just don't think I want to be tied to these little pills for the rest of my life.

Out of the box turtle

There was a time not that many years ago where I could walk up to just about anyone and start a conversation. At some point that changed and I became shy again. I'm not sure what happened or exactly when it did. It happened sometime when I moved to Colorado. I was talking to one of my friends last night and he said I was a social person. That is not the way I see myself, but so few of see ourselves for what we really are.

Of course, some of my isolationist tendencies are self-imposed. And now they've become so ingrained that they've first nature. I still have a hard time being the initiator of a conversations and especially with members of the opposite sex (and right now I'm torn between bitter to that gender or really wanting attention from that gender). Once I get started, I seem to do ok. It's just a matter of that initial push that I haven't got the hang of. I think in sales they call it the hook. Which seems sort of sad to me, but it does seem to work for a lot of people.

On a wholly unrelated note, my humble opinion is that "King of Carrot Flowers part 1" and "King of Carrot Flower parts 2&3" is one of the greatest rock songs that never hit the airwaves (well other than Indie Pop Rocks on Soma FM), which was recorded by Neutral Milk Hotel. They put out at least two albums and then just stopped. Thankfully we still had Elf Power.

Out and about or something

At the beginning of the weekend I ended up at a couple of art events with a couple friends of mine. The first being a black and white photography show that was pretty cool, perhaps a bit traditional but cool nonetheless. There was one print in particular that was for sale but not on display that was pretty much amazing. The second was a gallery opening, and there was a bunch of different stuff there, some of which was influenced by graffiti, and one series that was influenced by the Star Wars mythos and some other sci-fi concepts.

Going to stuff like that always makes me want to start playing with my camera more than I have been. Or paint something, not that I can paint or draw (manual dexterity was never my strong point). I did get out and take few photos but nothing spectacular.

The same night I finally went to some bars in downtown Colorado Springs, some of which were actually pretty cool. Now I'm ready for the weather to warm up so I can start riding my bicycle to go out on the nights I can go out. I even got a phone number but I don't think it really counts (I already knew her from work, but we'd never spoke socially).

So I guess in a way this was kind of the first time I've really broken out of my shell here in this town. And even though I don't particularly like this town, I have to admit I had fun and there are some cool people here.

Noises

In addition to the albums I wrote about the other day, I've been going through a big noise phase again. This time I've been going back as far as Sun Ra. Listening to what little amount of his stuff, I hear his influence in alot of the noise music I've picked up over the years. Not that surprisingly, I hear a lot references to Sun Ra in the music of Sonic Youth. Admittedly, since it's jazz the influence is subtle but very present.

In a way, I wonder if going through a noise phase as anything to do with my current mental state. The world around me seems pretty chaotic and perhaps listening to noise allows me to exert some control over my surroundings. Or maybe it just helps me make sense of the chaos around me. Of course it could mean nothing and I just really like discordant music (which may be closer to the truth).

Of course, the world around me will probably stay chaotic. From what I can see, throughout our lives there are very few things that are static. That's probably the way things are supposed to be. I can live with that.

Placing

About fifteen minutes ago I looked out the window and it was snowing horizontally, I just now looked out and there is noting falling from the sky. Such is the weather here in Colorado. Even though I'm not playing in it like I used to, I still like the snow. You will rarely if ever hear me actually complaining about the snow. The other people on the road, or when the road aren't really snowy but icy instead, you will hear me bitch about those things.

There's a big chunk of me that wishes I'd have never left Steamboat (especially with the snow they are getting this year). Something tells me that if I had stayed, I wouldn't be as stressed out like I am now. Of course, if I had stayed I'd have all of the old issues that I had when I was there (like being bored). But I have/had close friends there, and even though I didn't always think I belonged there I had my place in that town. And all in all it was a good place.

Perhaps what I'm getting at is that idea of a sense of place that people who are smarter than me talk about. I don't feel like I have one here, I have work but that not really a place. That's where I spend my time, of course that where I know people from (that and the bartender from the place down the road (I go there because I can walk there)). Or maybe it's that I'm just now starting to develop one here in Colorado Springs. Perhaps when I find a spot that I just really have to take a picture of then I will have found my sense of place in Colorado Springs. That or some people I want to take snapshots of.

Slow reaction

My computer is so old that it doesn't handle Java of Flash very well. This presents a problem when I try to type anything in on Blogger. there is a several second delay from what I've typed to when it appears on the screen. And it sort of drives me nuts. Watching that lag that is.

Lag has always driven me crazy when it comes to using computers. I remember back in the day of playing MUD and just getting frustrated when my character would get killed off due to lag. I guess the new word for it is latency, but I'm not an online gamer so I don't really have to worry about it anymore.

Anyway, it's really not that important but it still drives me bat shit.

It's strange to finally come to the conclusion that I'm at the age now where my peers are at the point of starting all over again sometimes. And I seem to wonder if I've ever started. although this current situation is close enough to a divorce that I don't ever want to go through one. I know enough people who are my age who are either on their second marriage or have or just now got out of their firs. Scary. and yet it's inevitable that at this point it would be common.

I'm still amazed at this growing up process I guess. I was able to delay quite a bit of it all of those years in Steamboat (although I still did grow up, it was just different). And there are days when I just want to go back there because life was so much simpler. But I can't, I do need to move on. Even if I don't like the idea of it.

On the iPod

Music I've been listening to:

Battles - Mirrored

Yeah, the best album of 2007 that I picked up in 2008. There's been moments where I've had to make myself stop listening to it. It's that good to me. I guess I heard them at Pitchfork and remember wanting to pick up some of their stuff. I have a hard time describing it. Battles have several rhythms going at once, there's vocal but not in any real language. Like I said, hard to describe.

Beirut - The Flying Club Cup and Lon Gisland EP

It's folky, it's pretty. Old world influences, hints of jazz and sprinkles of indie vocals abound in both of these recordings. Strings and trumpets play off each other. It sort of takes me somewhere I probably need to be. The singer has a voice that is like another instrument. It's good mellow night music (I mean that in a good way)

Hella - Chirpin Hard/Church Gone Wild

Ow, my freaking ears! Unlistenable in the best way possible. Noise and discordant beats. Just the way I like it.

Rob Crow - Living Well

For a guy that looks as burly as he does on the album cover, he can write a nice melodic pop song. Half of Pinback, apparently the pop half. I find myself popping this in on a long drive and not noticing the next hour go by.

And there's a bunch of other stuff I still haven't really listened too. Sheesh

Anxiously trying to sleep

There is this moment when I wake up in the morning that I don't remember the reality of my situation. After about the equivalent of a cup of coffee, reality peeks through and the anxiety starts kicking in.

Last weekend I went up to Steamboat and finally got a decent nights sleep. And I didn't get that anxious feeling after waking up. In fact I didn't get it until I got in the car to drive back to Colorado Springs. I've been taking medication for a while and I thought it was supposed to reduce my anxiety. So for now I'll just try to remember to breathe.

Sorry to be such a downer.

But over the weekend I really rode Howelsen Hill for the first time ever. It was a blast.

rising slowly rising

There's been a few times in the last few months were I meant to get something down here but for whatever reason I'd stop myself. It's probably fairly common knowledge that I'm going through another rough patch in my life. Without going into to many details, Phrank and I broke up over something fairly stupid and this was it. No more.

So that's that. The process seems to be what a divorce could feel like to me. Maybe I'm wrong but part of me wants that paper from a judge that says it a decree of dissolution.

I'm at that point of trying to figure out what to do. If I have to carry out the lease then that is what I'll do. Oh well. I can stand staying in this town for one more summer. Maybe start making friends right before I leave.

Anyone who knows any relatively sane women in their thirties (or near thirties) in Colorado Springs, let me know.