Wow! I really meant to write something last night but I was way to tired. It's been a big weekend. Between attending Halloween parties (it's a really big deal up here) and getting ready for today which is my birthday, I've been really busy and neglecting this space. One cool thing this weekend, I got to see Paradox and his sister in meatspace. It's always good to see him and I hadn't seen his sister in many years. Good seeing ya' man.
Have I ever mentioned how much my friends and roommates, Sam and Juli, kick ass? Well they do. For my birthday they gave me a coupon from them to pay for framing of my first two photos for my show. I was speechless when I saw that.
Anyway I have to head to work for what I hope is a short day. Then tonight is the party. If you're in Steamboat and don't already know, head on down to the Rio like 9:30ish for the Plagiarists and my birthday party.
Good day all.
PS LeeAnn beat me at Scrabble on Friday night. It was only twelve point but I'm still down 2-0. We're playing again girl!
Monday, October 31, 2005
Friday, October 28, 2005
Games
It may not be a good thing but I've reformed my PS2 calluses since we regained power in the house. I've been playing Gran Turismo 3 since I got the system last Christmas and just tonight I completed 50% of the game. It's a really deep game and quite addicting. I don't think it's improved my driving though. Just like playing the Tony Hawk games haven't improved my skating.
There is only one kind of game that has possibly improved any physical skill for me and that is the shooting games. And I mean the arcade versions where you hold the gun in your hand (such as Area 51). At times, I seem to be a good shot with rifles. Or at least as long as it's a stationary target. Unfortunately, I only got to go shooting once this whole warm season so I'm really rusty. And I still suck at skeet, golf ball or otherwise. I think I just need more practice. I'm hesitant to attribute what little target skill I have to a video game. I'd like to think that I just have good hand-eye coordination. But experience has taught me otherwise. Maybe it's that redneck blood coursing through my veins.
There is only one kind of game that has possibly improved any physical skill for me and that is the shooting games. And I mean the arcade versions where you hold the gun in your hand (such as Area 51). At times, I seem to be a good shot with rifles. Or at least as long as it's a stationary target. Unfortunately, I only got to go shooting once this whole warm season so I'm really rusty. And I still suck at skeet, golf ball or otherwise. I think I just need more practice. I'm hesitant to attribute what little target skill I have to a video game. I'd like to think that I just have good hand-eye coordination. But experience has taught me otherwise. Maybe it's that redneck blood coursing through my veins.
Thursday, October 27, 2005
Time passes
It's starting to hit me that soon I'll be another year older. In four days or so depending on how you look at it. When I was a kid I looked far more forward to my birthday but I'm sure we all did. Having it on a holiday (Halloween if you must know) almost adds a lot of pressure to the day. In addition to having a birthday, I have to come up with a costume. And I hate that as I'm not very good at coming up with costumes. Usually I figure out a very lame costume at the very last minute, as some of you can attest to having known me in meatspace.
Having Halloween as a birthday can be an additional burden. People sort of expect a dark side. Which I have but try to keep under wraps as best I can. I know my efforts aren't that successful but whatever. In fact, to a degree I relish in my darkside. I can find the humor in death and destruction (maybe that's where the zombie thing comes from). Not in the suffering so much but more in the structures of man, the structures that people thought would stand the test of time. Nothing can stand against the sand of time and remain fully intact. Oh geez, what does this mean for the digital universe?
Whatever, I'm going to bed. Drunk. And laughing.
Having Halloween as a birthday can be an additional burden. People sort of expect a dark side. Which I have but try to keep under wraps as best I can. I know my efforts aren't that successful but whatever. In fact, to a degree I relish in my darkside. I can find the humor in death and destruction (maybe that's where the zombie thing comes from). Not in the suffering so much but more in the structures of man, the structures that people thought would stand the test of time. Nothing can stand against the sand of time and remain fully intact. Oh geez, what does this mean for the digital universe?
Whatever, I'm going to bed. Drunk. And laughing.
Leave me alone Mofo
Where can I start tonight? I wound up in the bar (the old standby bar that is) and the freak that always seems to show up showed up yet again. I swear this guy follows me any time I try to step foot in this bar. He is one of those guys that listens on the outskirts of conversations and laughs at inappropriate moments. Conversations that have nothing to do with him. I suspect he walks that fine line between drunkeness and mental illness. Even when there is nothing going around him he tends to blurt out a response having no idea that of what is happening around him.
Not that I should talk, I'm sure at times I exhibit signs of perceived mental illness when I'm under the infuence of illicit substances. But I assume that goes with the territory. I'd like to think that in the "normal" life I'm pretty much sane. I'm pretty good about keeping things inside that don't need to be displayed as a public spectacle. Of course, I'll let on to my current obsessions whether they be zombies, the Illumanti or whatever the theme of the week is. But beyond that, I can carry on a rational conversation as far as I can tell.
It probably wouldn't bother me so much if it didn't feel like this guy was everywhere I seem to be. Not to mention that at one point he tried to destroy my camera. In fact, that may be more what bothers me the most. But other than agents of the government, who the hell tries to destroy a camera? That was one of the few times in years I've had to stand up for myself. Maybe that is part of it. But I walked away with me and my camera intact.
Don't get me wrong, I've lived with and loved more than enough people who struggle with some form of mental illness. And yet they seem to be able to function within the confines of society.
I sometimes suspect this is an act for some. Although I doubt the sympathy vote is very high for types like this, maybe it works at some point. And if it does, should I try it?
Not that I should talk, I'm sure at times I exhibit signs of perceived mental illness when I'm under the infuence of illicit substances. But I assume that goes with the territory. I'd like to think that in the "normal" life I'm pretty much sane. I'm pretty good about keeping things inside that don't need to be displayed as a public spectacle. Of course, I'll let on to my current obsessions whether they be zombies, the Illumanti or whatever the theme of the week is. But beyond that, I can carry on a rational conversation as far as I can tell.
It probably wouldn't bother me so much if it didn't feel like this guy was everywhere I seem to be. Not to mention that at one point he tried to destroy my camera. In fact, that may be more what bothers me the most. But other than agents of the government, who the hell tries to destroy a camera? That was one of the few times in years I've had to stand up for myself. Maybe that is part of it. But I walked away with me and my camera intact.
Don't get me wrong, I've lived with and loved more than enough people who struggle with some form of mental illness. And yet they seem to be able to function within the confines of society.
I sometimes suspect this is an act for some. Although I doubt the sympathy vote is very high for types like this, maybe it works at some point. And if it does, should I try it?
Tuesday, October 25, 2005
Living dead part 2
This whole zombie thing is getting out of hand now. I've been thinking about them and discussing zombie evasion and combat tactics for the last couple of days. It's not helping that others are contributing to the madness by engaging in and furthering the discussion.
Of all the horror movie monster types, zombies are one the few that any of us could become quite easily. At least in the realm of modern, Romeroesque zombies. That all it would take is a bite from an infected creature to turn one into a zombie is a bit closer to home than being chased by a Predator or Alien. Or that it all could start off by a virus of some sort. Which is even closer to home when you consider the various pandemics that this planet has experienced over the years.
Zombie movies, especially the Romero ones, always seem to have a social critique has a subtext. Be it the comment on racism of the original Night of the Living Dead or idea that consumerism has turned us all into zombies of Dawn of the Dead, it's there. Sometimes more subtle than other times but it is there.
Not to mention that zombie flicks can be pretty scary and shocking if done right. The make up guys can go overboard with the gore and effects if they like. And it would be a good zombie flick if there wasn't at least one freak that gets it's head blown off.
Now that I've got that out of the way, I'll try to never mention zombies again.
Of all the horror movie monster types, zombies are one the few that any of us could become quite easily. At least in the realm of modern, Romeroesque zombies. That all it would take is a bite from an infected creature to turn one into a zombie is a bit closer to home than being chased by a Predator or Alien. Or that it all could start off by a virus of some sort. Which is even closer to home when you consider the various pandemics that this planet has experienced over the years.
Zombie movies, especially the Romero ones, always seem to have a social critique has a subtext. Be it the comment on racism of the original Night of the Living Dead or idea that consumerism has turned us all into zombies of Dawn of the Dead, it's there. Sometimes more subtle than other times but it is there.
Not to mention that zombie flicks can be pretty scary and shocking if done right. The make up guys can go overboard with the gore and effects if they like. And it would be a good zombie flick if there wasn't at least one freak that gets it's head blown off.
Now that I've got that out of the way, I'll try to never mention zombies again.
Awake
Damn, I need to go to bed earlier. And yet once again I find myself here much later than I need to be.
Last night I had some strange dreams. I don't remember them now of course but I know they were odd. I just get this sense that they were. When I woke up I knew something had happened in that other world.
Even the feeling of having dreams is one I don't get very often. Hopefully, I'm not the only person out there that doesn't remember their dreams. Almost every morning I wake up with no recollection of my dreams or that I even had them.
I'll bet they were zombie related.
Last night I had some strange dreams. I don't remember them now of course but I know they were odd. I just get this sense that they were. When I woke up I knew something had happened in that other world.
Even the feeling of having dreams is one I don't get very often. Hopefully, I'm not the only person out there that doesn't remember their dreams. Almost every morning I wake up with no recollection of my dreams or that I even had them.
I'll bet they were zombie related.
Monday, October 24, 2005
The living dead
I hope that if I'm ever in a situation that involves hordes of flesh eating zombies I have enough ammo to fight them off. Unfortunately, my shotgun can only hold five rounds at most and I know there would be far more than five zombies if the movies are any guide. Of course if it descended to that point, I would break into the nearest sporting goods store stock up on firearms, ammo and then steal something that would drive up a wall and get the hell away from any population centers.
Everytime I watch a zombie flick I play the what if game with myself. Other than a nuclear holocaust, a viral zombie infestation is one of the worse scenarios I can imagine ever happening. Thankfully, those kinds of zombies aren't real. The jury is still out on the Voodoo type zombies though.
I've always had some form of worse case scenario fantasy in the back of my head. Not that long ago it was more of a Red Dawn type of thing but in the last few years it's been zombies. And after shooting off one shotgun slug and seeing the hole it punched in a piece of plywood, if I had a large supply of those I could probably fend off the zombie hordes for a little while. Especially if I weren't the only one fighting.
I'm not sure why I am so quick to embrace invasion fantasies or why I put myself on the resistance side of them. I suspect Hollywood has a fair amount to do with it. Survivor movies have always struck a chord with me and I do see myself as a survivor to a degree. Not that I've ever gone through anything horribly traumatic in my life but there have been a few close calls. In more a (somewhat) more realistic context, I would defend my country if it were to be invaded (although sometimes I suspect that's already happened and it came from the inside).
The chances of anything like this happening are really none, especially a zombie invasion. But if something close does I'd like to think I'm a bit ready for it. I'll at least get a couple of those flesh eating freaks before I go down.
Everytime I watch a zombie flick I play the what if game with myself. Other than a nuclear holocaust, a viral zombie infestation is one of the worse scenarios I can imagine ever happening. Thankfully, those kinds of zombies aren't real. The jury is still out on the Voodoo type zombies though.
I've always had some form of worse case scenario fantasy in the back of my head. Not that long ago it was more of a Red Dawn type of thing but in the last few years it's been zombies. And after shooting off one shotgun slug and seeing the hole it punched in a piece of plywood, if I had a large supply of those I could probably fend off the zombie hordes for a little while. Especially if I weren't the only one fighting.
I'm not sure why I am so quick to embrace invasion fantasies or why I put myself on the resistance side of them. I suspect Hollywood has a fair amount to do with it. Survivor movies have always struck a chord with me and I do see myself as a survivor to a degree. Not that I've ever gone through anything horribly traumatic in my life but there have been a few close calls. In more a (somewhat) more realistic context, I would defend my country if it were to be invaded (although sometimes I suspect that's already happened and it came from the inside).
The chances of anything like this happening are really none, especially a zombie invasion. But if something close does I'd like to think I'm a bit ready for it. I'll at least get a couple of those flesh eating freaks before I go down.
Friday, October 21, 2005
Things...
One tenet that many of the worlds religions have in common is the idea that people should not be attached to material possessions of this world. As much as I like this shared concept, I can't seem to put into practice very well. There is a lot of stuff packed into my living space. It doesn't help much that I come from a long line of packrats. I think I still have, in various locations, every magazine that I've bought or stolen since I was very young. I have small rocks from various parts of the world, strangely enough I remember where I got almost every one of them. In my boxes there are trinkets and tokens from my past, a past that I don't remember until I pull out one of these artifacts and it all comes back. Or at least the moment when I found or received said artifact.
As appealing as the idea of being free of material possessions is, the fact remains that I will never be able to live with just the clothes on my back. And really I don't think I would want to live that way. There is a level of stability that I like, and part of that is clean clothes and a roof over my head. And bathing. I've been to the point where I can smell myself before and I don't like it.
If I were put in the position of the old question of naming the three things I would save from a fire, I don't know what all three would be. I'd guess that two would be my computer stuff and my photos but I don't know what the last one or two would be. Maybe I'm closer than I realize.
As appealing as the idea of being free of material possessions is, the fact remains that I will never be able to live with just the clothes on my back. And really I don't think I would want to live that way. There is a level of stability that I like, and part of that is clean clothes and a roof over my head. And bathing. I've been to the point where I can smell myself before and I don't like it.
If I were put in the position of the old question of naming the three things I would save from a fire, I don't know what all three would be. I'd guess that two would be my computer stuff and my photos but I don't know what the last one or two would be. Maybe I'm closer than I realize.
Thursday, October 20, 2005
NWO & Marvel
In the last couple of nights I've spent way to much time catching up one comic book storylines. And I've come to discover, like Guided by Voices there is just too much for me to ever catch up. There is no way I'm going to go and buy comics again. I don't have the money and I don't want to allow myself to sink down to that level of geekdom. Graphic novels are a whole different story.
The thing about this refound fascination with comic books is that it is setting off some red flags to myself. Instead of dealing with the world around me, I seemed to be descending into a fantasy realms that only exist in print, words and film adaptions. My new escape from reality. This would not be the first time I've substituted a fantasy world for reality.
I spent quite a few years delving deep into conspiracy theories, UFOs and other paranormal worlds. Even to this day, there is something in the back of my head that tells me that there is a secretative cabal that pulls the strings of power on this little planet of ours. Whether this group is truly in cahoots with the Greys or any other alien groups is out of my league. In recent years I've tried to keep myself from getting to deep into this type of thing as I realize that it is mostly escapism and I was causing myself to be paranoid because of it.
What concerns me is that I could be replacing one fantasy for another. Although, at least I know that the Marvel Universe is a true figment of imagination. I'm still not so sure about the other.
The thing about this refound fascination with comic books is that it is setting off some red flags to myself. Instead of dealing with the world around me, I seemed to be descending into a fantasy realms that only exist in print, words and film adaptions. My new escape from reality. This would not be the first time I've substituted a fantasy world for reality.
I spent quite a few years delving deep into conspiracy theories, UFOs and other paranormal worlds. Even to this day, there is something in the back of my head that tells me that there is a secretative cabal that pulls the strings of power on this little planet of ours. Whether this group is truly in cahoots with the Greys or any other alien groups is out of my league. In recent years I've tried to keep myself from getting to deep into this type of thing as I realize that it is mostly escapism and I was causing myself to be paranoid because of it.
What concerns me is that I could be replacing one fantasy for another. Although, at least I know that the Marvel Universe is a true figment of imagination. I'm still not so sure about the other.
Wednesday, October 19, 2005
Holy Smokes! Batman!
Tonight we watched the newest Batman movie Batman Begins. Finally a good Batman movie, well other than the Tim Burton one but it's been so long since I've seen it I barely remember it. All of the others in between have been terrible as far as I can recall. And I've only watched them on cable. This one is dark and gritty the way a Batman movie should be. The casting was perfect, Michael Caine is the best as Alfred and there are even more surprises in the casting aspect.
I think one of the things I like the best is that it gave such a clear picture of the backstory that leads Bruce Wayne to become Batman. It dives deep into the impact that the murder of his parents have on him and his guilt over it. And for once we learn how he came to develop his fighting prowess and a decent explanation of where he gets his gadgets. Not to mention the writers didn't leave any glaring gaps in the script. I can't think of a single continuity question I have about the movie. Which is rare these days. And the set up for the sequel is not forced.
Batman Begins seems like they are restarting the franchise, which is good because the last few were a wash. Starting over is a good idea. I'm looking forward to the next one. Just please don't screw it up Hollywood.
I think one of the things I like the best is that it gave such a clear picture of the backstory that leads Bruce Wayne to become Batman. It dives deep into the impact that the murder of his parents have on him and his guilt over it. And for once we learn how he came to develop his fighting prowess and a decent explanation of where he gets his gadgets. Not to mention the writers didn't leave any glaring gaps in the script. I can't think of a single continuity question I have about the movie. Which is rare these days. And the set up for the sequel is not forced.
Batman Begins seems like they are restarting the franchise, which is good because the last few were a wash. Starting over is a good idea. I'm looking forward to the next one. Just please don't screw it up Hollywood.
Tuesday, October 18, 2005
Planning Dept.
It seems I've spent parts of my life waiting for the next thing instead of going out and making it happen. Maybe that's not quite precise, I spent a lot of time watching and then waiting. When I was younger and more confused it seems I was more likely to take chances and just do something. Nowadays, I have to have a plan or something. Which isn't a good thing as I've never good about putting plans together. I can't think of very many things that have happened in my life according to or even with any kind of plan. Almost everytime I've been hired somewhere it was the first place I've I applied. Even coming here to Colorado and staying was more accident than planned. I never intended to stay more than two weeks and now it's eleven years later.
This seems to indicate to me that planning (in respect to myself) is overrated. Or at least not very helpful. Obviously there are situations where a plan is important for a successful outcome. Like spaceflight. Or a war (I'm going to stop right there). The closest thing I'd like to come to a plan for myself at this point is a plan to quit smoking cigarettes and sell my freakin' truck.
I suspect there are at least two kinds of people in this world. Some of them make plans and stick to them and others just kind of take the world at the randomness that is inherent in the universe, and then there are some people that are hybrids of the two. It seems that both methods seem to work. Maybe some better than others.
Anyway the only plan I have right now is to try and fall asleep soon.
This seems to indicate to me that planning (in respect to myself) is overrated. Or at least not very helpful. Obviously there are situations where a plan is important for a successful outcome. Like spaceflight. Or a war (I'm going to stop right there). The closest thing I'd like to come to a plan for myself at this point is a plan to quit smoking cigarettes and sell my freakin' truck.
I suspect there are at least two kinds of people in this world. Some of them make plans and stick to them and others just kind of take the world at the randomness that is inherent in the universe, and then there are some people that are hybrids of the two. It seems that both methods seem to work. Maybe some better than others.
Anyway the only plan I have right now is to try and fall asleep soon.
Money. Part 2
Where Surly Monkey further explores the money/relationship connection. Or not.
It seems that money does dictate what kind of relationships (of the romantic variety) one can have. For myself I can see that one of the reasons I don't date is I just don't have the money to take women out so I don't even ask (obviously that's not the only reason, there is a whole list of insecurities I could rattle off but won't). But to not even have the money for a first date is definitely a drawback. Not to mention, like some commenters in the earlier post, as we get older stability is something all of us are looking for. Whether it be financial, emotional or mental stability we all (or should) move closer to that idea. At this point in my life I'm fine with the last two. Unfortunately, we exist in a world that sometimes the money aspect of stability can override other qualities.
In my own life, I tend to steer clear of those that seem to be obsessed with money. It strikes me as unseemly to have that as the one focus of life. There is more to life than the pursuit of wealth. Having said that, even I would like to have a little more financial assets at my disposal. I'm not really hoping for to much but a savings account would be nice or perhaps even some kind of retirement fund.
As far as the local face of this whole thing, there probably are a lot of women roughly my age around here who are looking for someone with more money than I have or earn. I guess that's fine, more power to them. I doubt rarely if ever I travel in the same circles as them. And I'm sure if I did, the moment they learn where I work, I'm immediately stricken from the potential list. Despite all of my cynicism, I still have some hope that I'll meet that one. Maybe it won't be here in Steamboat and that's fine too, as I don't want to spend my whole life here.
What am I going to do about it? Nothing. I'm going to try enjoy what I have and maybe try to slowly move myself up in life but there is no real point in forcing anything until I get a really good idea anyway.
It seems that money does dictate what kind of relationships (of the romantic variety) one can have. For myself I can see that one of the reasons I don't date is I just don't have the money to take women out so I don't even ask (obviously that's not the only reason, there is a whole list of insecurities I could rattle off but won't). But to not even have the money for a first date is definitely a drawback. Not to mention, like some commenters in the earlier post, as we get older stability is something all of us are looking for. Whether it be financial, emotional or mental stability we all (or should) move closer to that idea. At this point in my life I'm fine with the last two. Unfortunately, we exist in a world that sometimes the money aspect of stability can override other qualities.
In my own life, I tend to steer clear of those that seem to be obsessed with money. It strikes me as unseemly to have that as the one focus of life. There is more to life than the pursuit of wealth. Having said that, even I would like to have a little more financial assets at my disposal. I'm not really hoping for to much but a savings account would be nice or perhaps even some kind of retirement fund.
As far as the local face of this whole thing, there probably are a lot of women roughly my age around here who are looking for someone with more money than I have or earn. I guess that's fine, more power to them. I doubt rarely if ever I travel in the same circles as them. And I'm sure if I did, the moment they learn where I work, I'm immediately stricken from the potential list. Despite all of my cynicism, I still have some hope that I'll meet that one. Maybe it won't be here in Steamboat and that's fine too, as I don't want to spend my whole life here.
What am I going to do about it? Nothing. I'm going to try enjoy what I have and maybe try to slowly move myself up in life but there is no real point in forcing anything until I get a really good idea anyway.
Monday, October 17, 2005
Insomnia part 10
Here it is 3:30 on a school night and I can't sleep once again. I'm really beginning to think that the full moon has something to do with my insomnia (tonight is the full moon). And of course I didn't really drink anything but a glass of wine which is
nowhere near enough to lull me to sleep. Oh well, it's still slow over there at work and I don't have to be there until late.
I spend most of the day cleaning and reorganizing my room. I have a strong tendency to be a slob when it comes to my room so it's good that I'll have a clean one for the next couple of days at least.
In addition to not being able to sleep, I've been feeling really bored lately. The thing is I think I have a lot going on but I'm bored nonetheless. I can't seem to find something that takes all of my attention. And being bored leaves me with nothing to really say here so I just type to make words appear on the screen.
I'm going to try to sleep now.
nowhere near enough to lull me to sleep. Oh well, it's still slow over there at work and I don't have to be there until late.
I spend most of the day cleaning and reorganizing my room. I have a strong tendency to be a slob when it comes to my room so it's good that I'll have a clean one for the next couple of days at least.
In addition to not being able to sleep, I've been feeling really bored lately. The thing is I think I have a lot going on but I'm bored nonetheless. I can't seem to find something that takes all of my attention. And being bored leaves me with nothing to really say here so I just type to make words appear on the screen.
I'm going to try to sleep now.
Sunday, October 16, 2005
Money
Apparently I am the perfect guy other than the fact that I'm poor. Or at least that is what I was told tonight. According to the young lady, in every other way other than cash flow I have everything going on. Damn, does that make me fine or what?!? I don't even know what to think.
You know, all these years I've been told it doesn't matter how much money you have. The truth is I'm beginning to question the logic of that. I think it does matter. And I am totally screwed if that is the case because I have no money and the prospect of me earning much more than I already is slim to none. Well unless I hit the lottery but we all know what the odds on that are for that.
It kind of makes me sad to think that the one thing that keeps me from being desirable is the lack of assets. I'm not sure if I'm completely ready to believe it. I suspect my quiet-in-public has more do with it than too many other things. I've tried to get over my shyness but it is a tough thing to do.
I think I'm not going to even bother worrying about something that is at this point beyond my control. Such as the size of my wallet.
Clarification: The young lady who told me this is a friend not a potential other. Just so you know.
You know, all these years I've been told it doesn't matter how much money you have. The truth is I'm beginning to question the logic of that. I think it does matter. And I am totally screwed if that is the case because I have no money and the prospect of me earning much more than I already is slim to none. Well unless I hit the lottery but we all know what the odds on that are for that.
It kind of makes me sad to think that the one thing that keeps me from being desirable is the lack of assets. I'm not sure if I'm completely ready to believe it. I suspect my quiet-in-public has more do with it than too many other things. I've tried to get over my shyness but it is a tough thing to do.
I think I'm not going to even bother worrying about something that is at this point beyond my control. Such as the size of my wallet.
Clarification: The young lady who told me this is a friend not a potential other. Just so you know.
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