The Friend Zone

Sometimes I get myself in trouble and it is all inside my head. I've learned to keep certain things to myself (and yet, I'll go and talk about it here) because I know that if I were to ever verbalize them it wouldn't come out the right way. This often leads to the appearance that I am rather indecsive, when in fact I just won't offer an opinion.

Throughout the years, I've been told that I should let out what I'm feeling but I don't buy it. Especially when it comes to letting others know what you feel about them. Whether I highly dislike someone or like them, I generally try not to let it show. And if I'm really into someone (as in female) I don't want it to show. I've made that mistake before and I really don't want to repeat it.

Even right now there are a couple of women I'm into but I'm not going to do anything about it. There is one that I can't bring myself to call (although part of it is I know if I were to ask her to do something her bodyguard of a friend will be there, watching out) and the other one I'm sure as hell not going to tell how I feel about her because I would be crushed by the likely response. Of course, most likely I've already been placed in the friend zone for both, anyway. So it goes.

The friend zone is the most annoying and awkward position that women can put men in, I've decided. As far as I can tell it is virtually impossible to get out out of the friend zone (although I've heard stories of it happening). Not only that but I can't help thinking that it is a form of denial at times. I get the feeling sometimes that if one conversation had been different, there wouldn't be a friend zone barrier. Although, the truth is I have no idea how I end up there so often. It could be that I'm just not enough of a bad boy. Or I am too smart for my own good. I doubt that though, I never even finshed college. I can't help it if I'm attracted to women who are intelligent and I can talk to. Yet I'm just seen as a pal.

It's not as though I don't like having friends, I just don't like fixed states of friendships. They're inherently fluid to begin with and things do change over time.

Whatever. I'm not going to sit here and sulk about it. But I do think the friend zone is almost as pitiful as me not calling one or telling another one how I feel.

Dropping down

Grrr...I was at work for close to ten hours today. Not that I really had any big planes or even that much to do at home. Whatever, I get paid for it so I guess it's not all lame.

We're having our first cold night tonight, the cold is the one thing that bothers me about the winter. Actually I don't mind the cold that much until it get's to a certain point. About 17° is where I draw the line for it being really cold. Anything below that is just overkill. And it's going to get that cold tonight if it isn't already. But, hey there's snow on the ground and the mountain opens soon and I get my five months of winter therapy.

Another good thing about winter in this town is we get our extended bus hours back. Now all I have to is memorize the times and I'm all set. I managed to not drive to the mountain once all last season which is something I'll probably never be able to do again. Here's to public transit. And it's free no less.

Even better is that sometime later this week, I should have my season pass in hand. Sweet!

Bring that snow on, I say!

Worth every minute

Well now that turned out to be quite an adventure.

First things first, the Surly Mayfly officially kicks ass and it's a fourteen year old car. With no small amount of help from the Blizzak snow tires.

The drive down to Denver had some nerve wracking moments. The pass was snowpacked and icy but I'm driving in those conditions many times. All the way down to Silverthorne was a breeze. And then we got on 70. Going up that ramp put us into the path of the most absurdly insane driving I have ever experienced. The first indication should have been the lit sign that mentioned chains or snowtires were required as it was snowing heavily. Apparently most people either missed or choose to ignore it. Suddenly, traffic slowed to a crawl and the next thing I know there's an Explorer sliding sideways towards me. And when I get around him we notice that there are a lot of vehicles sliding and spinning out around us. Shortly after that we come upon cars stopped on any imaginable spot on the highway. Left lane, center lane, left shoulder, right lane, they stopped in the spots they lost traction. At some point it took on a scene of a blizzard themed "Dawn of the Dead", with people getting out of their cars sliding and staggering around the middle of I-70. Trying to push cars and what not. When we finally made it within sight the (Eisenhower) Tunnel all of the big semis were parked willy-nilly. Six miles after the tunnel the road was completely dry. Go figure.

The thing is, after the most terrifying driving experience of my life, it was totally worth it. Once we got to Denver, checked into the hotel and made it to the show things were awesome. I met up with my friend from college who I hadn't seen in forever. Thanks for the drinks, Evan! The show was a fucking rock (rawk!) show. Every band kicked ass. Having never heard much of or seen Nashville Pussy, I can honestly say they blew me away. And of course the Supersuckers freakin rocked it like no other.

Man, barely making it makes it all that much better.

I'm outta here

In about five minutes I'm walking out the door to go to Denver. And it's a damn good thing I put my snow tires on because it is dumping snow here. Anyway for once I'm not taking my computer with me so I'm not saying anything unless I figure out audio posting. Which I doubt I will in three minutes.

Have fun and wish me luck.

Winter approaching

Well at least my car is ready for winter. This will be the first winter in close to fifteen years I've driven a front wheel drive care in the winter. The first car I ever purchased was a 1981 Honda Civic (babypoop brown) with bald tires. Right before winter. I never went off the road and only got stuck once, not bad for being in the Midwest.

This time around I have Blizzaks(snow tires) that came with the car and I'm pretty excited to use them. I may have to leave the valley just to try them out. Not to mention riding on some other mountains.

I'm starting anticpate winter more and more. The time to snowboard is quickly approaching and I can barely wait. Thankfully, I don't think about it too much in the summer. Hopefully I will have a good schedule that will allow me some good days on the hill.

What strikes me as odd is that my outlook changes by the season. As long as I live here winter is the time I look foward to. The snow washes everything else away. All of the internal monologue, all of the worry, all of the fear; it all disappears when I am strapped onto that snowboard and am pointing down the hill or riding through the trees. Well maybe not all of the fear, there are a some cliffs I won't drop off.

The truth is, I am so ready for the snow to start falling it's not even funny.

Sheep

It was inevitable. Wikipedia has a parody site.

I haven't been too deep into the site so I don't know what to say. Although I did find the Kurt Vonnegut entry entertaining. Not to mention the related Kilgore Trout page. But it seems everything I've seen so far is good parody. And outright lies. Like The Onion.

It be awesome if I could come with good parody. I can barely write sarcasm (although I this idea that sarcasm a more facial and tonal type of humor) without it being misinterpreted. The fact is I'm not that funny. I like bad puns and wordplay jokes which most people find annoying or silly at best. But what the hell, I like it.

Do you know what I saw? Wood.

stuff

If there is one thing I thank my parents for is not ever bringing the idea of stereotypes into my young skull. No matter what they thought of any type of person, us kids would never hear it spoken or otherwise. That may be the most important lesson I learned from them (well the honesty thing is up there too. Maybe higher, crap, I'm saving that for later.).

I learned all of my stereotypical knowledge from the outside world, mostly in school. Not so much the adults but the kids around me. In fact, I remember a teacher calling me out on ignorance that I had acquired from the local beliefs (it was in high school, Latin class, Mrs. Wilson if you must know). At that moment I took stock and realized that I was wrong. To this day I remember how what I said was so callous and wrong but when I said it I had know idea how lame it was. Until I was set straight.

Not that I'm any special accepting person. I've lived in this isolated, whitebread town for the last ten years. And these people are driving me crazy, I think (it's probably just me). Damn, I miss the city. I miss walking down the street and seeing people who don't look like anything like me. The idea of something other than American bar food excites me.

As far as I can tell people are people. Until they prove otherwise. Then they're just dumbasses, idiots and spazzes. Or something like that.

Memories...the fog

This is the time of year that I remember things about my past. Or at least, it seems that fall is when I mark the passage of time. Maybe it's some kind of genetic memory thing, it seems there is some ancient European costumes that mark fall as the new year (according to some that's where Halloween comes from). No matter what, I've been performing the annual remeberance rituals. Like digging through old photographs and letters I've receive. I am a packrat, so I have almost every letter sent to me since I've lived out here, probably every photo I've taken as well and most of the magazines I've received.

I have no desire to live in the past but I do like to remember it every so often. My puny little brain doesn't remember many of the events of my life so I have to rely on documentation to jog my memory. If you were to ask me right now, I'd be hard pressed to recount an event of my childhood. Beyond childhood, my memories are still fuzzy at best. There are certain people and places that are clear but events are the cloudiest.

There is probably reasons why I can remember objects more than actions. If you know me in meatspace, you know I have a hard time getting quotations right (and speaking in general for that matter). At times I probably come across as a stoner (or an simpleton) but I'd guess (and hope) those times are rare. There are times when words just won't come to me.

Seeing as I'm better at remembering things rather than situations, I'm not surprised that now is when I'm looking at artifacts. And since this is the season I've seemed to designate as the new year, this is the time for me to get in touch with that which has past.

The good thing about the before times is that it can actually provide a path for the later times. Because of what has happened before I know what I want and don't want to do with myself. And I know what kind of people are important to keep around me. I've been blessed so far and I want to keep it that way.

No umlats for me.

One of the ways I can tell I am getting older is the release dates on my albums (and the fact that I still call them albums). It seems that many of the records that I consider my favorite are over ten years old. I do find myself listening to more and more stuff that isn't really that new. Much of it is stuff that I missed the first time around. I guess it could just be a matter of filling in the gaps.

That's not to say all, there are some that were released within the last months and year that are quickly moving up my internal chart of all time greatest albums. Thank god for Internet radio, my friends and family, I'd be so behind without them.

At this moment I'm listening to "Scream, Dracula, Scream" by Rocket from the Crypt which came out in '95. And it still rocks. It should have changed the face of rock. I can't decide if I'm in rock mode or not these days. I go back and forth between rock and the softer side. It's all still indie, hip-hop an smatterings of jazz and country. Maybe it's the thought of the upcoming snowboarding season and I'm starting to get myself pumped up. Riding does go better with rock (and hip-hop).

Of course I get a real rock-n-roll treat this coming weekend. I get to see the Supersuckers in Denver. Sweet! And I get the eff out of this godforsaken hellhole of a town for most of a weekend. I just hope I don't get an elbow in the chest again. That hurt for almost a week. I can't wait.

Losing track of nostalgia

Today over at myspace I got an invite to join a group for alumni of my high school. After looking around that group I think I'm going to pass joining it. When people are posting topics about what they miss about high school I think I should just stay away. High school is something I don't miss. It wasn't really miserable but it wasn't really the peak of my life (hopefully I haven't hit that yet). The truth is there are probably less than ten people I graduated with that even wonder what the hell happened to them. And two of them I already know.

Since high school, I've met a lot of people over the years. And many of those are the ones that I am the most curious about. People who left to do things, people who have just disappeared out of my life. Or I disappeared. In years past I had a tendency to drop off the face of the earth (although it seems you can find my imprint here, now). Also, I'm not always the best at keeping in touch, even with the Internet. It seems that I'm really good at losing track of people. I really have know idea where any of the people I knew when I first moved to Colorado are anymore other than maybe one who stayed in Boulder. I figure I'll just run into them randomly if they are still in the state. That's how it seems to happen with me.

The flipside of this is that many of the people who I lost track of and wondered where they were came out of the wood work in the space of months over at myspace. And hopefully I'll see a few of them when I'm home for Thanksgiving.

Now I really am going to bed.

mix it up

Sometimes I try to design things for print. Generally flyers and business cards (I've been working on the Surly Pump Monkey card for months). Today I tried my hand at a CD insert. A simple one but it was still a challenge. Most of it is just learning software I think. And figuring out how to get the damn thing to print right. I like trying though and everytime I finish something it gives me ideas for the next time. If there is a goal in mind I find that my time spent in front of the computer is a lot more productive.

Strangely, for the first time in many years I'm feeling the need to be more productive. There is this urge to create things, whether it's mixed CDs or some kind of photo thing. I just have the itch to do something. It's about the time that I start wishing that I had some kind of musical talent other than the same beat that I tap out with my knuckles.

I've always been one that believed that I have some kind of creativity, I just don't know what the medium is yet. This here Internet thing is something, between this place and posting some photos over at Flickr it seems to be a start.

Anyway it's late and I should go to bed but that's just a suggestion.

New stuff

I've got way too much new (to me) music to go through. I got the a package from my brother that had more than enough to catch up with, not to mention the stuff that Dr. Caddel on Safari dropped on me not to long ago. I can't even sort it out. Right now I'm listening to Big Business which is by far the heaviest of anything I've got my grubby hands on recently. Even heavier than the Jello & Melvins album (of course that's just my opinion). Heavy can be good depending on the dosage.

But the real gem in what I've been given is the Calexico/Iron & Wine album "In the Reins". Not heavy at all. Mellow and amazing is what I think I would call it. It's a master work of where this whole softer side of the indie world is heading. This could be one of those albums that will be looked over now but years down the line will be recognized for the great work that it is. In some form this is album is the culmitation of American Music. It has dinge and twang but a feel that is just calming for the most part. An amazing piece of work.

Not to mention that I'm just now starting to get into Yo La Tengo! How the hell did I miss them after all of these years?

Fear

When I was in my early teens, I never expected to live as long has I have. In fact, I believed that there would be very few if any humans alive by now. Being a kid on the tail end of the cold war could have that kind of effect on you. It was not beyond my comprehension that at anytime the world could descend into a nuclear holocaust that would wipe out large chunks of the global population. Not only that but turn much of the planet into a radioactive wasteland. It just seemed like the inevitable conclusion to history. And this was long before I tried drugs.

Now I'm not so certain and the fact that I'm still alive or not roaming the wastelands with some sort of high-technology aware tribe still surprises me at certain moments. Not very often does it surprise me but when I think back, I'm surprised at how strongly I believed that scenario. It probably explains my fascination with zombie movies.

Ever since the Iron Curtain fell, I haven't felt that fear of the annihilation that I felt as a kid. Even with the things that have happened in the last seven years or so. It may be callus, but the bombings of modern times are nowhere nearly as scary to me as my young fear of a global annihilation.

My fears, if you could even call them that are now more mundane in nature. The same fears most of us probably share. Those of loneliness, poverty or whatever else there is. But I try not to dwell on it.

Really the world isn't that scary. Sure, there are scary places, places I probably would never set foot in. But overall, it ain't that bad out there.

Ghosts of youth

Originally uploaded by surly monkey.

Once again there were some awesome costumes this year. This town really gets into Halloween. I love seeing it even though I don't really dressup that much. So fake blood and make up to make it look like I got beat up, thank you (although I can give myself a fairly convincing black eye). Some folks though, just go crazy with it and come up with some awesome stuff. One of these days maybe.

So now it's back to the grind and for me to get back on track for my silly little projects. The show needs to be planned and I need to talk to some more people that have done this kind of thing before. It still seems a little absurd for me to even be thinking about putting together a photo show but what the hell. I've got thousands of photos, I might as well do something with them. It'll be an experience if nothing else.

I'm just scared that I'll talk myself out of it. I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them. There is nice case of self-doubt that courses through my brain. The whole self-esteem thing eludes me most of the time. It's a hard thing to rise above sometimes, I know where it comes from but doing something about it is a whole another story. What's even sadder is that I know that I have skills in certain areas but I still doubt myself. Stupid nature and nuture.

Whatever. I'll force myself into uncomfortable situations that will make me better after I'm on the other side. And when it's over, I'll think to myself that there is no reason I should have done it. It wouldn't be the first time.

It's over

Wow, I'm glad that only comes once a year. I have no business going to work after my birthday. At least I survived with my stomach lining intact. Thanks to all that watched over me, I needed that.

Man I really have nothing tonight. I think I'm just a little too fuzzy still from last night.

Screw it, I'm going to bed.