It's coming back

For the last week or so I've had this overwhelming sense of dread when I wake up in the morning. It's not a fear of the world or anything and in fact I know what is causing it. Genetically, I'm prone to depression, several members of my family have it and I know that I have bouts of it. So what's happening is I'm beginning another bout of it. Which kind of sucks, because other than pharmaceuticals there isn't much in the way of treatment. There is talk therapy which has it's benefits and if this continues I may have to do that again. Personally, I don't want to use pharmaceuticals as I've self medicated enough with marijuana over the years and that just made me completely numb to everything.

It seems that the only option for me is to ride it out and try not to dwell on it.

Maybe it's just apprehension about the new job and getting used to a different kind of schedule. But I suspect it's more than that. In fact I know it is. I am really lonely. There are friends in my life that care deeply about me and I them (I may not be the best at expressing that) but friends can only provide a certain level of companionship. The sad thing is I've completely given up on forming any kind of deeper relationships (with women) than that of friends. This isn't necessarily by choice but seemingly by circumstance. I realize I don't put forth enough effort but getting shot down so many times will do that to a fellow.

Yet there's more to it than that. And that's the stuff I can't put my finger on. The stuff that lays beneath the surface is what fills me with that sense of dread in the mornings. The same things that want to make me stay at home and stare at my computer and avoid the outside world. The nameless misfiring chemicals in my brain that do this to me every so often.

I don't know what the real answer or cause is but I'm not that excited to be here again.