Well, I thought I'd be on top of it enough to post some photos from my trip back to Indiana. I'm not. I'm a total slacker and it's getting late. Plus, how many pictures of beagles do you really want to see? When I'm not so distracted I'll get some stuff up.
Back to the grind, but at least now the mountain is open. If I can just make myself get up early enough to get up there. I have a horrible time trying to wake up in the morning. I've never been an early riser. In fact, I hate getting up early as it cuts into so much of the night.
It seems I can't keep a thought for more than eight seconds tonight. I've got no anchor to this thing. Maybe it's all this new music. I just want to hear it all at once. There are probably at least ten new (to me) albums on my computer, plus I have thirteen compilation CD's to work through. So much whatever was in heavy rotation before I left. Although Elf Power is staying high but Spoon and Neutral Milk Hotel are climbing higher on my chart. Not to mention The New Pornographers (sorry, I'm feeling to lazy to provide links). I'm thinking that the "King of Carrot Flowers Part 2 & 3" (Neutral Milk Hotel) is the number one single for the last few days. But that could always change quickly. It's an great song especially coming from a churched/punk rock background like I do. Like gospel meets punk.
I think I'm going to have to ditch hip-hop this week for indie rock. I've got a lot of catching up to do. But it always slips in, no matter what.
Wednesday, November 30, 2005
Tuesday, November 29, 2005
Back to Winter
Another safe return. Damn, there's a bunch of snow here! I'm going to have to dig out my snowboard and gear very soon. We're talking hours.
It was good to be back in Indiana not in the least because it had been a decade since I'd been home for a holiday. Seeing the family was cool, especially my brother and sister. I couldn't ask for two cooler siblings. Plus I got to see Magpie, Unicorn and some of the Ball State Refugees. And the new addition, another beagle, Ali.
As I'm still fuzzy from travel and desire sleep, I'm going to bed.
It was good to be back in Indiana not in the least because it had been a decade since I'd been home for a holiday. Seeing the family was cool, especially my brother and sister. I couldn't ask for two cooler siblings. Plus I got to see Magpie, Unicorn and some of the Ball State Refugees. And the new addition, another beagle, Ali.
As I'm still fuzzy from travel and desire sleep, I'm going to bed.
Sunday, November 27, 2005
A clarification on loneliness
In the last post I mentioned how lonely I am living in Steamboat. That's not entirely true. There is that certain kind of loneliness that I've been experiencing there that makes me say that. On one level I'm not lonely at all living there, I have great friends who support and love me and I try to love and support them as well.
The loneliness I was talking about was the lack of companionship that friends usually are unable to offer. The sharing a bed kind of companionship. I miss that and have a strong desire to have it again. And I'm not even talking about sex (well not totally), I'm talking about falling asleep with someone in my arms (or until my arms fall asleep) and then waking up next to them. Paradoxically, I've pretty much giving up on that happening. I don't know if it's cynicism or me just being jaded (which really are two different things).
I'm not the kind of person to define myself by having a girlfriend. I've spent more years of my adult life single than not and I'm generally ok with it. But there are things that I miss about not being single in addition to what was mentioned above. The whole sharing my life with someone and attempting to let them in my head, which can be hard because I don't open up so easily (there are a lot of things I don't or won't write about here), is another big one. Just that sense of companionship is important to me as well. Although, I will say it would be nice if the next one and I shared at least some of the same taste in music.
I don't even know why I concern myself with it. Like I said, I've pretty much given up, though I still desire to have something.
The loneliness I was talking about was the lack of companionship that friends usually are unable to offer. The sharing a bed kind of companionship. I miss that and have a strong desire to have it again. And I'm not even talking about sex (well not totally), I'm talking about falling asleep with someone in my arms (or until my arms fall asleep) and then waking up next to them. Paradoxically, I've pretty much giving up on that happening. I don't know if it's cynicism or me just being jaded (which really are two different things).
I'm not the kind of person to define myself by having a girlfriend. I've spent more years of my adult life single than not and I'm generally ok with it. But there are things that I miss about not being single in addition to what was mentioned above. The whole sharing my life with someone and attempting to let them in my head, which can be hard because I don't open up so easily (there are a lot of things I don't or won't write about here), is another big one. Just that sense of companionship is important to me as well. Although, I will say it would be nice if the next one and I shared at least some of the same taste in music.
I don't even know why I concern myself with it. Like I said, I've pretty much given up, though I still desire to have something.
The City
What a whirlwind this trip has been, I've tried to compress in five days what I really need two weeks to do. I'm not even scratching the surface of seeing all the people and places I want to see while I'm here. That's OK, there will be other times to for that.
Once again, I get the same feeling I had last time I was here, I want to live in a city again. And Indy is just as good as any city I could live in. The only thing it's really missing is the proximity to the mountains. Which I guess Denver could provide but I don't have family in Denver. Of course, there is the nonbiological family back in Steamboat but most of them understand my desire to leave. There are people in Steamboat that I consider family but I am so lonely there. Now it could be the lack of any kind of relationship (excluding friends) that makes me feel so lonely. But I can tell that moving to a city I might be able to overcome that hurdle. There are options in the city. And females that might even pay attention to me in ways that don't end up being just friends (see the rant from earlier).
Whatever, I'm heading back in a couple of days and the mountain will be open. I put my desire to not be alone on the back burner for awhile once I start snowboarding. Or so I hope.
Once again, I get the same feeling I had last time I was here, I want to live in a city again. And Indy is just as good as any city I could live in. The only thing it's really missing is the proximity to the mountains. Which I guess Denver could provide but I don't have family in Denver. Of course, there is the nonbiological family back in Steamboat but most of them understand my desire to leave. There are people in Steamboat that I consider family but I am so lonely there. Now it could be the lack of any kind of relationship (excluding friends) that makes me feel so lonely. But I can tell that moving to a city I might be able to overcome that hurdle. There are options in the city. And females that might even pay attention to me in ways that don't end up being just friends (see the rant from earlier).
Whatever, I'm heading back in a couple of days and the mountain will be open. I put my desire to not be alone on the back burner for awhile once I start snowboarding. Or so I hope.
Thursday, November 24, 2005
Drunk Talk
I have a question. There is an old saying "truth come from a bottle" or something like that. Basically it means that people are more inclined to tell the truth when they are drunk. Or perhaps they say and share things that they normally wouldn't when sober. My question is, how much truth to this is there to that saying?
Many a time I'll write things here under the influence of alcohol. Now most of the time when I do this I'm not drunk but I do have a bit of a buzz. But there have been times where I've written things that while true, should have never been posted. And in at least one case I've deleted a post that shouldn't have been posted. There are others that I probably should have deleted as well. The thing is, I was never lying about the stuff I wrote. Sure it was unkind and inappropriate but nevertheless true or at least true to me.
People tell me things when they are drunk, things that they most likely won't remember in the morning. And I don't know if they mean it. Obviously, I've learned by now not to make plans with someone who is wasted (especially for the next day). But what about the other things? Like expressions of emotion or desire? It that just what is called "drunk talk"? And in that case, is it to be considered unreliable? I'm not sure.
In my own case, I'm not a very open person when I am sober. Rarely, when speaking to me will you hear me expressing my feelings (opinions are a whole different matter) or emotions. But sometimes after I have had a few drinks I'll open up and tell people how I feel, many times about them. When I do this, I think even though I am drunk, I am telling the truth.
Man, I could use a drink. And some insight, because I am really curious about this one. So please, if you want to weigh in on this, than by all means do it in the comments section.
Many a time I'll write things here under the influence of alcohol. Now most of the time when I do this I'm not drunk but I do have a bit of a buzz. But there have been times where I've written things that while true, should have never been posted. And in at least one case I've deleted a post that shouldn't have been posted. There are others that I probably should have deleted as well. The thing is, I was never lying about the stuff I wrote. Sure it was unkind and inappropriate but nevertheless true or at least true to me.
People tell me things when they are drunk, things that they most likely won't remember in the morning. And I don't know if they mean it. Obviously, I've learned by now not to make plans with someone who is wasted (especially for the next day). But what about the other things? Like expressions of emotion or desire? It that just what is called "drunk talk"? And in that case, is it to be considered unreliable? I'm not sure.
In my own case, I'm not a very open person when I am sober. Rarely, when speaking to me will you hear me expressing my feelings (opinions are a whole different matter) or emotions. But sometimes after I have had a few drinks I'll open up and tell people how I feel, many times about them. When I do this, I think even though I am drunk, I am telling the truth.
Man, I could use a drink. And some insight, because I am really curious about this one. So please, if you want to weigh in on this, than by all means do it in the comments section.
Wednesday, November 23, 2005
Arrived
Well I made it without incident and in near record time (at least driving to Denver). Not only that but I saw an owl fly right in front of me while I was driving! I hadn't seen an owl in a very long time and I don't think I've ever seen one in the day time.
Surprisingly the airport didn't seem to be that crazy. I don't know if most of the people took earlier flights or what.
The flight was pleasant enough, considering my low grade fear of flying. I only get nervous during take-offs and landings, the rest of the time I'm fine. Even the kids sitting behind me were able to keep their shrill outbursts to a minimum with some help from their parents. Nice job of parenting, it made the flight better for not just me but everyone else on the plane.
This time zone thing is messing with me. It's almost 2 a.m. here and my body tells me it's 11 something. I hope I don't stay up until 4 a.m. here.
I am pretty wiped out from traveling so maybe that will help. It's sure not helping me here.
Good night and Happy Thanksgiving.
Surprisingly the airport didn't seem to be that crazy. I don't know if most of the people took earlier flights or what.
The flight was pleasant enough, considering my low grade fear of flying. I only get nervous during take-offs and landings, the rest of the time I'm fine. Even the kids sitting behind me were able to keep their shrill outbursts to a minimum with some help from their parents. Nice job of parenting, it made the flight better for not just me but everyone else on the plane.
This time zone thing is messing with me. It's almost 2 a.m. here and my body tells me it's 11 something. I hope I don't stay up until 4 a.m. here.
I am pretty wiped out from traveling so maybe that will help. It's sure not helping me here.
Good night and Happy Thanksgiving.
Taking off
Wow, I really don't like being awake this early. But it has to be done. I have to drive down to Denver and catch a flight back to Indiana for the holiday. I need more coffee.
Ok that's better. I'm still fuzzy though. Time for a shower. Anyway, I'll be gone for a few days and I don't know how much I'll be able to get online. But I'll try to keep up with this thing. If not, I hope you all have a great Thanksgiving (at least those of you that celebrate it).
Ok that's better. I'm still fuzzy though. Time for a shower. Anyway, I'll be gone for a few days and I don't know how much I'll be able to get online. But I'll try to keep up with this thing. If not, I hope you all have a great Thanksgiving (at least those of you that celebrate it).
Tuesday, November 22, 2005
(alone in a crowd)
Sometimes when it's this late at night and I'm staring at the screen, I wonder what else I could be doing (other than sleeping, which would be the proper choice). And then it hits me, what else would I be doing? Maybe sitting in my room listening to music, or listening to the news and reading. I can do all of that sitting here in my chair (which I'm beginning to think I need to get a new chair, the back on this one is starting to get really loose).
Maybe I need to turn off this computer for awhile and look around me. I know there is a bigger world out there, maybe even here in this tiny town. Sadly, I've become accustomed to my little bubble here in my chair. Which the therapist inside me tells me this might not be the best thing for me. That little voice keeps telling me I need to get out and meet people. I know it's good for me and all but I fear meeting new people. (As we all know)It's not so much the people but the meeting of the people that sends me to the corner.
What strikes me, is that as I spend more and more time here on the Internet, there is a lot of us that are scared of the same thing. Being alone or perhaps being left alone. We tell ourselves that we like spending time by ourselves but the truth is, if we were all alone, sad would not be the word used to describe it. We try to detach ourselves from one of our basic needs. That being the contact with others.
We need connections just as much as we need being touched (pet if we were dogs). But no matter how much we try to deny it, we need it.
The worst feeling can be when you are the one left behind. Especially if there isn't much warning. Leaving can be a hell of lot easier than staying. Living here, I've seen my fair share of good friends leave and never come back. And when I finally go it may be the same kind thing. I don't know if I could stay away if I were to come back.
And I'll still find myself alone in a crowd, no matter what.
Maybe I need to turn off this computer for awhile and look around me. I know there is a bigger world out there, maybe even here in this tiny town. Sadly, I've become accustomed to my little bubble here in my chair. Which the therapist inside me tells me this might not be the best thing for me. That little voice keeps telling me I need to get out and meet people. I know it's good for me and all but I fear meeting new people. (As we all know)It's not so much the people but the meeting of the people that sends me to the corner.
What strikes me, is that as I spend more and more time here on the Internet, there is a lot of us that are scared of the same thing. Being alone or perhaps being left alone. We tell ourselves that we like spending time by ourselves but the truth is, if we were all alone, sad would not be the word used to describe it. We try to detach ourselves from one of our basic needs. That being the contact with others.
We need connections just as much as we need being touched (pet if we were dogs). But no matter how much we try to deny it, we need it.
The worst feeling can be when you are the one left behind. Especially if there isn't much warning. Leaving can be a hell of lot easier than staying. Living here, I've seen my fair share of good friends leave and never come back. And when I finally go it may be the same kind thing. I don't know if I could stay away if I were to come back.
And I'll still find myself alone in a crowd, no matter what.
It's not bling
Once again I didn't win the lottery. I kind of expected that would be the outcome.
In my little fantasy world, the first thing I would do is renew my passport. And then I would give the Surly Mayfly a massive tune up and some bodywork. After that, I have no idea. Maybe I'd just drive the SM around and just take pictures and type it all down.
Ahh...fantasy world. Unfortunately, in the real world (which is meatspace, by the way) I have to work. And you don't get rich by working. The only observation I have about capitalism is that one gets rich by exploitation. Whether it's the cold-hearted exploitation of humans or just working the system, that's how people make money. That and it helps to have money to begin with. Not all forms of exploitation are necessarily evil. We all try to game the system to some degree, I just imagine most of us haven't figured out how to do it on a scale that will make a lot of money. But I'm not convinced that exploiting loopholes and bugs in the system is totally a bad thing. Anyone that's played video games has done the same thing (like that turtle and extra lives in Super Mario Brothers).
I know that if I ever find a way that I can make a lot of money by jumping on a turtle a bunch, I'm going to do it. I'd love to be able to stop working for someone else and do my own thing, whatever that may be. Now all I need is an idea. And no I don't want to be part of your pyramid scheme, thank you very much.
In my little fantasy world, the first thing I would do is renew my passport. And then I would give the Surly Mayfly a massive tune up and some bodywork. After that, I have no idea. Maybe I'd just drive the SM around and just take pictures and type it all down.
Ahh...fantasy world. Unfortunately, in the real world (which is meatspace, by the way) I have to work. And you don't get rich by working. The only observation I have about capitalism is that one gets rich by exploitation. Whether it's the cold-hearted exploitation of humans or just working the system, that's how people make money. That and it helps to have money to begin with. Not all forms of exploitation are necessarily evil. We all try to game the system to some degree, I just imagine most of us haven't figured out how to do it on a scale that will make a lot of money. But I'm not convinced that exploiting loopholes and bugs in the system is totally a bad thing. Anyone that's played video games has done the same thing (like that turtle and extra lives in Super Mario Brothers).
I know that if I ever find a way that I can make a lot of money by jumping on a turtle a bunch, I'm going to do it. I'd love to be able to stop working for someone else and do my own thing, whatever that may be. Now all I need is an idea. And no I don't want to be part of your pyramid scheme, thank you very much.
Books...unread
Well, I were feeling a little smarter I'd mention something about how it looks like the Republicans are starting to crack. But I'm not feeling so smart tonight. Or at least not enough to think about politics.
Actually, I haven't been feeling very smart lately. I might read more books if it weren't for Wikipedia and the like. I can't remember the last time I finished a book. But I've still been reading, just not words from a page. Or it could be that I haven't picked up anything new in a long time other than some kind of reference book. Maybe I should start reading books again.
There was a time, not that many years ago, that I devoured books. Sometimes I'd finish three in a week. I'd be lucky to finish one in three weeks now. Although, once I get into one, I'll generally finish it. Not always though, I've tried to read Catch 22 three times and only finished it once. Now that I think about it I have a decent list of books I've started and never finished. Hmmm...maybe I just lied. Maybe I don't finish as many as I think.
I'm beginning to wonder if I need to turn this damn computer off once and awhile. That could be a whole different post.
Actually, I haven't been feeling very smart lately. I might read more books if it weren't for Wikipedia and the like. I can't remember the last time I finished a book. But I've still been reading, just not words from a page. Or it could be that I haven't picked up anything new in a long time other than some kind of reference book. Maybe I should start reading books again.
There was a time, not that many years ago, that I devoured books. Sometimes I'd finish three in a week. I'd be lucky to finish one in three weeks now. Although, once I get into one, I'll generally finish it. Not always though, I've tried to read Catch 22 three times and only finished it once. Now that I think about it I have a decent list of books I've started and never finished. Hmmm...maybe I just lied. Maybe I don't finish as many as I think.
I'm beginning to wonder if I need to turn this damn computer off once and awhile. That could be a whole different post.
Monday, November 21, 2005
Too many songs
So I went stepped inside of the local joke of a record store and still walked away with something. I was hoping to find some Neutral Milk Hotel who caught my ear while listening to SomaFM's Indie Pop Rocks station. As I expected, there was none to be had. But I did find the first Quasimoto album "The Unseen". I haven't really had a good listen to it but I have a long drive coming up, so I know I'll here it then.
For the longest time I was not really that interested in music, I'd listen to it but I was fine with what I had on hand. Just recently have I been adding to my collection one what or another. And with most of it on my hardrive, I'm beginning to get a bit overwhelmed. There's stuff I haven't even heard yet on there. It's hard to find something to listen to when there are so many choices. And yet I want to hear more. Maybe it's a good thing that the selection is so poor for my taste. I won't spend the money if it's not there.
I've got plenty to catch up on anyway.
For the longest time I was not really that interested in music, I'd listen to it but I was fine with what I had on hand. Just recently have I been adding to my collection one what or another. And with most of it on my hardrive, I'm beginning to get a bit overwhelmed. There's stuff I haven't even heard yet on there. It's hard to find something to listen to when there are so many choices. And yet I want to hear more. Maybe it's a good thing that the selection is so poor for my taste. I won't spend the money if it's not there.
I've got plenty to catch up on anyway.
Saturday, November 19, 2005
Pinkerton and Prazision
There's a reason my story telling ability isn't very good. I don't remember things very well. Many of my memories of childhood have been told to me. Of course, somewhere inside this head of mine I'm sure there are a lot of things stored on the hardrives. I just can't remember the paths. Knowing my luck, one day I'll discover that they all are in one single folder and I'll make the mistake of opening it at work. Woo hoo, they'll find me in a fetal position in front of a copier, shaking as I relive close to twenty years inside my head.
Thankfully, most of them come back in small doses if at all. I don't know if it was the wine or Weezer but the first time I ever ask a girl out came back tonight. It was fifth grade and she said no. Holy cow, I hadn't thought of that moment in decades. That's how it goes. I'm sure after tonight I may never remember that day again.
It's such a brief and pointless memory that I can't even make a story out of it. Even though between that and other unremembered events probably affect my interactions with women to this day.
I find it a bit strange that I can name the six flags that flew over Texas but I can't tell you anything about a birthday I had before 21 or so. Where was I? I'm sure I was there. I mean, I had to be, right?
Every once in a while I wonder where that folder is located.
Thankfully, most of them come back in small doses if at all. I don't know if it was the wine or Weezer but the first time I ever ask a girl out came back tonight. It was fifth grade and she said no. Holy cow, I hadn't thought of that moment in decades. That's how it goes. I'm sure after tonight I may never remember that day again.
It's such a brief and pointless memory that I can't even make a story out of it. Even though between that and other unremembered events probably affect my interactions with women to this day.
I find it a bit strange that I can name the six flags that flew over Texas but I can't tell you anything about a birthday I had before 21 or so. Where was I? I'm sure I was there. I mean, I had to be, right?
Every once in a while I wonder where that folder is located.
Friday, November 18, 2005
The Weekend
Damn, it's way too late for me to be up. This is what I get for listening to Yo La Tengo and not burning it to CD. Whatever, tomorrow is Friday and I actually have a weekend. It's still so odd to have weekends off. It's been years, since my early twenties in fact. Now if there were just something to do. Well, there is the high school production of "The Taming of the Shrew". I wouldn't know this if we hadn't printed the posters. It could be cool but I'm not going by myself. Apparently, they are doing a Western interpretation of it.
Now I'm just ready to go home for the holiday. My time at home is already starting to fill up between family and friends. Which is great, I can't wait to see them all. Now if I can just sneak in enough time to pick up the things I can't get here. Like music and pants.
Even cooler, the mountain will be open when I get back and I miss the lunacy of opening weekend. This year I'm finally getting some product hook-up in the form of boots. I'm test riding. Now I'm not the best snowboarder out there by any stretch of imagination but I am up there a lot, so why not let me test stuff out? I'm stoked.
So you know all of you kids in the Front Range and elsewhere are going to need to get up here this year. I'm so hoping this is the year. That way I can leave this town satisfied.
As for the weekend, whatever happens, happens.
Now I'm just ready to go home for the holiday. My time at home is already starting to fill up between family and friends. Which is great, I can't wait to see them all. Now if I can just sneak in enough time to pick up the things I can't get here. Like music and pants.
Even cooler, the mountain will be open when I get back and I miss the lunacy of opening weekend. This year I'm finally getting some product hook-up in the form of boots. I'm test riding. Now I'm not the best snowboarder out there by any stretch of imagination but I am up there a lot, so why not let me test stuff out? I'm stoked.
So you know all of you kids in the Front Range and elsewhere are going to need to get up here this year. I'm so hoping this is the year. That way I can leave this town satisfied.
As for the weekend, whatever happens, happens.
Thursday, November 17, 2005
A new life?
All of a sudden it hit me. I need a life. Sitting here lurking around on the Internet isn't much of a life. Of course the ten to fifteen of you may enjoy my semi-coherent, drunken ramblings but I probably should have more going on than just this. Actually, I bet I'd be more interesting if I had more going on (of course, then I would probably be sworn to secrecy...like the other night...).
Maybe poverty or low grade depression that keeps me inside the house all night. Or perhaps this town is just to small and not enough is happening. But I suspect I wouldn't be that much more adventurous even if I lived in Denver where there is stuff going on all the time, compared to here.
It probably all goes back to the whole shyness thing. Or maybe it's just that I find negotiating the bar scene tedious and an exercise in futility. I want other options, dammit. Like a board game night or even ballroom dancing lessons. Something other than the same swill every night.
Maybe I need to be looking harder. I must be missing something. Sorry to complain so much.
Maybe poverty or low grade depression that keeps me inside the house all night. Or perhaps this town is just to small and not enough is happening. But I suspect I wouldn't be that much more adventurous even if I lived in Denver where there is stuff going on all the time, compared to here.
It probably all goes back to the whole shyness thing. Or maybe it's just that I find negotiating the bar scene tedious and an exercise in futility. I want other options, dammit. Like a board game night or even ballroom dancing lessons. Something other than the same swill every night.
Maybe I need to be looking harder. I must be missing something. Sorry to complain so much.
Anticipation of snow
I just opened the door to have a smoke and it's snowing again. Sweet. Other than digging out my winter gear, I'm pretty much ready for winter. There's no doubt that I'm ready to strap onto my snowboard and start riding again. The anticipation is getting greater and greater.
This year I'll be missing opening day for the first time in years (other than the year I lived in Ft. Collins). That doesn't bother me at all, being in Indiana for a holiday will be good and I'm really looking forward to seeing my family and reconnecting with some long lost pals.
As I may have mentioned before, winter is the season (at least as long as I live here) that I really become more alive. The loneliness ebbs away due to riding with my friends and others. The chairlift can offer some moments of connectedness that can rarely be found anywhere else. Not to mention that perfectly amazing run that can't even be described in words. The one where you are gliding through the trees with at least a foot of fresh snow underneath you. There is no other feeling like it. In recent years those runs have been infrequent at best but at least I know where to go now when it is one of those days.
I'm so ready. Bring on the snow.
This year I'll be missing opening day for the first time in years (other than the year I lived in Ft. Collins). That doesn't bother me at all, being in Indiana for a holiday will be good and I'm really looking forward to seeing my family and reconnecting with some long lost pals.
As I may have mentioned before, winter is the season (at least as long as I live here) that I really become more alive. The loneliness ebbs away due to riding with my friends and others. The chairlift can offer some moments of connectedness that can rarely be found anywhere else. Not to mention that perfectly amazing run that can't even be described in words. The one where you are gliding through the trees with at least a foot of fresh snow underneath you. There is no other feeling like it. In recent years those runs have been infrequent at best but at least I know where to go now when it is one of those days.
I'm so ready. Bring on the snow.
In public (otherwise known as meatspace)
I've been feeling antsy all week. Sitting around the house at night is beginning to drive me a little batty, I think. Probably because I finally got out of town last week. You know, if I weren't so perpetually broke, I'd probably leave town every weekend. I just wish there was some kind of night life here other than the same tired three bars. I hardly go to them anymore, everytime it's the same old faces and overpriced drinks. Soon I guess were supposed to have a space for plays, stand-up and whatever else. That'll be a good change of pace.
Meeting some new people would be nice as well. I've been stuck in my groove for so long I really don't have any idea what's on the world outside of my spheres of friends. And there are some things I desire that my current spheres can't or won't offer me. This is more challenging than it sounds, I'm actually shy around people I don't know. Many times I'm that guy lurking in the corner (and message boards) watching everyone around me. Going up to strangers and striking up conversations doesn't come naturally for me.
The strange thing is, there was a time when it did come quite easily. I'm not really sure what or how that changed but it did. I'd guess it has some to do with my rising levels of cynicism. Or possibly the bouts of depression I've been more prone to in the last ten years or so. I vaguely remember that as a child I was rather shy, so maybe it was a fluke in those few years I wasn't shy. Although once I meet someone and get to talking, it can be hard to shut me up. I'm only shy until I meet you.
Really I just need to get over myself and meet new people.
Meeting some new people would be nice as well. I've been stuck in my groove for so long I really don't have any idea what's on the world outside of my spheres of friends. And there are some things I desire that my current spheres can't or won't offer me. This is more challenging than it sounds, I'm actually shy around people I don't know. Many times I'm that guy lurking in the corner (and message boards) watching everyone around me. Going up to strangers and striking up conversations doesn't come naturally for me.
The strange thing is, there was a time when it did come quite easily. I'm not really sure what or how that changed but it did. I'd guess it has some to do with my rising levels of cynicism. Or possibly the bouts of depression I've been more prone to in the last ten years or so. I vaguely remember that as a child I was rather shy, so maybe it was a fluke in those few years I wasn't shy. Although once I meet someone and get to talking, it can be hard to shut me up. I'm only shy until I meet you.
Really I just need to get over myself and meet new people.
Wednesday, November 16, 2005
tunes
Damn, I hate it when I just have one song stuck in my head. Tonight it is "Everlasting Scream" by Elf Power. I can't seem to get the riff out of my head no matter how many times I play it.
It almost bothers me to discover albums came out along time ago suddenly are my new favorite. I feel so behind when that happens. It seems I should have known about it when it came out. At least I'm buying and listening to music again. For a while I was doing neither. Thanks to Internet radio, I've been able to keep up somewhat.
My tastes have changed dramatically over the years. I'm sure that happens to everyone to a degree. I find myself liking music that is mellower for the most part. I rarely find myself listening to punk or metal. And that's ok with me.
It almost bothers me to discover albums came out along time ago suddenly are my new favorite. I feel so behind when that happens. It seems I should have known about it when it came out. At least I'm buying and listening to music again. For a while I was doing neither. Thanks to Internet radio, I've been able to keep up somewhat.
My tastes have changed dramatically over the years. I'm sure that happens to everyone to a degree. I find myself liking music that is mellower for the most part. I rarely find myself listening to punk or metal. And that's ok with me.
Tuesday, November 15, 2005
The Friend Zone
Sometimes I get myself in trouble and it is all inside my head. I've learned to keep certain things to myself (and yet, I'll go and talk about it here) because I know that if I were to ever verbalize them it wouldn't come out the right way. This often leads to the appearance that I am rather indecsive, when in fact I just won't offer an opinion.
Throughout the years, I've been told that I should let out what I'm feeling but I don't buy it. Especially when it comes to letting others know what you feel about them. Whether I highly dislike someone or like them, I generally try not to let it show. And if I'm really into someone (as in female) I don't want it to show. I've made that mistake before and I really don't want to repeat it.
Even right now there are a couple of women I'm into but I'm not going to do anything about it. There is one that I can't bring myself to call (although part of it is I know if I were to ask her to do something her bodyguard of a friend will be there, watching out) and the other one I'm sure as hell not going to tell how I feel about her because I would be crushed by the likely response. Of course, most likely I've already been placed in the friend zone for both, anyway. So it goes.
The friend zone is the most annoying and awkward position that women can put men in, I've decided. As far as I can tell it is virtually impossible to get out out of the friend zone (although I've heard stories of it happening). Not only that but I can't help thinking that it is a form of denial at times. I get the feeling sometimes that if one conversation had been different, there wouldn't be a friend zone barrier. Although, the truth is I have no idea how I end up there so often. It could be that I'm just not enough of a bad boy. Or I am too smart for my own good. I doubt that though, I never even finshed college. I can't help it if I'm attracted to women who are intelligent and I can talk to. Yet I'm just seen as a pal.
It's not as though I don't like having friends, I just don't like fixed states of friendships. They're inherently fluid to begin with and things do change over time.
Whatever. I'm not going to sit here and sulk about it. But I do think the friend zone is almost as pitiful as me not calling one or telling another one how I feel.
Throughout the years, I've been told that I should let out what I'm feeling but I don't buy it. Especially when it comes to letting others know what you feel about them. Whether I highly dislike someone or like them, I generally try not to let it show. And if I'm really into someone (as in female) I don't want it to show. I've made that mistake before and I really don't want to repeat it.
Even right now there are a couple of women I'm into but I'm not going to do anything about it. There is one that I can't bring myself to call (although part of it is I know if I were to ask her to do something her bodyguard of a friend will be there, watching out) and the other one I'm sure as hell not going to tell how I feel about her because I would be crushed by the likely response. Of course, most likely I've already been placed in the friend zone for both, anyway. So it goes.
The friend zone is the most annoying and awkward position that women can put men in, I've decided. As far as I can tell it is virtually impossible to get out out of the friend zone (although I've heard stories of it happening). Not only that but I can't help thinking that it is a form of denial at times. I get the feeling sometimes that if one conversation had been different, there wouldn't be a friend zone barrier. Although, the truth is I have no idea how I end up there so often. It could be that I'm just not enough of a bad boy. Or I am too smart for my own good. I doubt that though, I never even finshed college. I can't help it if I'm attracted to women who are intelligent and I can talk to. Yet I'm just seen as a pal.
It's not as though I don't like having friends, I just don't like fixed states of friendships. They're inherently fluid to begin with and things do change over time.
Whatever. I'm not going to sit here and sulk about it. But I do think the friend zone is almost as pitiful as me not calling one or telling another one how I feel.
Dropping down
Grrr...I was at work for close to ten hours today. Not that I really had any big planes or even that much to do at home. Whatever, I get paid for it so I guess it's not all lame.
We're having our first cold night tonight, the cold is the one thing that bothers me about the winter. Actually I don't mind the cold that much until it get's to a certain point. About 17° is where I draw the line for it being really cold. Anything below that is just overkill. And it's going to get that cold tonight if it isn't already. But, hey there's snow on the ground and the mountain opens soon and I get my five months of winter therapy.
Another good thing about winter in this town is we get our extended bus hours back. Now all I have to is memorize the times and I'm all set. I managed to not drive to the mountain once all last season which is something I'll probably never be able to do again. Here's to public transit. And it's free no less.
Even better is that sometime later this week, I should have my season pass in hand. Sweet!
Bring that snow on, I say!
We're having our first cold night tonight, the cold is the one thing that bothers me about the winter. Actually I don't mind the cold that much until it get's to a certain point. About 17° is where I draw the line for it being really cold. Anything below that is just overkill. And it's going to get that cold tonight if it isn't already. But, hey there's snow on the ground and the mountain opens soon and I get my five months of winter therapy.
Another good thing about winter in this town is we get our extended bus hours back. Now all I have to is memorize the times and I'm all set. I managed to not drive to the mountain once all last season which is something I'll probably never be able to do again. Here's to public transit. And it's free no less.
Even better is that sometime later this week, I should have my season pass in hand. Sweet!
Bring that snow on, I say!
Sunday, November 13, 2005
Worth every minute
Well now that turned out to be quite an adventure.
First things first, the Surly Mayfly officially kicks ass and it's a fourteen year old car. With no small amount of help from the Blizzak snow tires.
The drive down to Denver had some nerve wracking moments. The pass was snowpacked and icy but I'm driving in those conditions many times. All the way down to Silverthorne was a breeze. And then we got on 70. Going up that ramp put us into the path of the most absurdly insane driving I have ever experienced. The first indication should have been the lit sign that mentioned chains or snowtires were required as it was snowing heavily. Apparently most people either missed or choose to ignore it. Suddenly, traffic slowed to a crawl and the next thing I know there's an Explorer sliding sideways towards me. And when I get around him we notice that there are a lot of vehicles sliding and spinning out around us. Shortly after that we come upon cars stopped on any imaginable spot on the highway. Left lane, center lane, left shoulder, right lane, they stopped in the spots they lost traction. At some point it took on a scene of a blizzard themed "Dawn of the Dead", with people getting out of their cars sliding and staggering around the middle of I-70. Trying to push cars and what not. When we finally made it within sight the (Eisenhower) Tunnel all of the big semis were parked willy-nilly. Six miles after the tunnel the road was completely dry. Go figure.
The thing is, after the most terrifying driving experience of my life, it was totally worth it. Once we got to Denver, checked into the hotel and made it to the show things were awesome. I met up with my friend from college who I hadn't seen in forever. Thanks for the drinks, Evan! The show was a fucking rock (rawk!) show. Every band kicked ass. Having never heard much of or seen Nashville Pussy, I can honestly say they blew me away. And of course the Supersuckers freakin rocked it like no other.
Man, barely making it makes it all that much better.
Saturday, November 12, 2005
I'm outta here
In about five minutes I'm walking out the door to go to Denver. And it's a damn good thing I put my snow tires on because it is dumping snow here. Anyway for once I'm not taking my computer with me so I'm not saying anything unless I figure out audio posting. Which I doubt I will in three minutes.
Have fun and wish me luck.
Have fun and wish me luck.
Friday, November 11, 2005
Winter approaching
Well at least my car is ready for winter. This will be the first winter in close to fifteen years I've driven a front wheel drive care in the winter. The first car I ever purchased was a 1981 Honda Civic (babypoop brown) with bald tires. Right before winter. I never went off the road and only got stuck once, not bad for being in the Midwest.
This time around I have Blizzaks(snow tires) that came with the car and I'm pretty excited to use them. I may have to leave the valley just to try them out. Not to mention riding on some other mountains.
I'm starting anticpate winter more and more. The time to snowboard is quickly approaching and I can barely wait. Thankfully, I don't think about it too much in the summer. Hopefully I will have a good schedule that will allow me some good days on the hill.
What strikes me as odd is that my outlook changes by the season. As long as I live here winter is the time I look foward to. The snow washes everything else away. All of the internal monologue, all of the worry, all of the fear; it all disappears when I am strapped onto that snowboard and am pointing down the hill or riding through the trees. Well maybe not all of the fear, there are a some cliffs I won't drop off.
The truth is, I am so ready for the snow to start falling it's not even funny.
This time around I have Blizzaks(snow tires) that came with the car and I'm pretty excited to use them. I may have to leave the valley just to try them out. Not to mention riding on some other mountains.
I'm starting anticpate winter more and more. The time to snowboard is quickly approaching and I can barely wait. Thankfully, I don't think about it too much in the summer. Hopefully I will have a good schedule that will allow me some good days on the hill.
What strikes me as odd is that my outlook changes by the season. As long as I live here winter is the time I look foward to. The snow washes everything else away. All of the internal monologue, all of the worry, all of the fear; it all disappears when I am strapped onto that snowboard and am pointing down the hill or riding through the trees. Well maybe not all of the fear, there are a some cliffs I won't drop off.
The truth is, I am so ready for the snow to start falling it's not even funny.
Thursday, November 10, 2005
Sheep
It was inevitable. Wikipedia has a parody site.
I haven't been too deep into the site so I don't know what to say. Although I did find the Kurt Vonnegut entry entertaining. Not to mention the related Kilgore Trout page. But it seems everything I've seen so far is good parody. And outright lies. Like The Onion.
It be awesome if I could come with good parody. I can barely write sarcasm (although I this idea that sarcasm a more facial and tonal type of humor) without it being misinterpreted. The fact is I'm not that funny. I like bad puns and wordplay jokes which most people find annoying or silly at best. But what the hell, I like it.
Do you know what I saw? Wood.
I haven't been too deep into the site so I don't know what to say. Although I did find the Kurt Vonnegut entry entertaining. Not to mention the related Kilgore Trout page. But it seems everything I've seen so far is good parody. And outright lies. Like The Onion.
It be awesome if I could come with good parody. I can barely write sarcasm (although I this idea that sarcasm a more facial and tonal type of humor) without it being misinterpreted. The fact is I'm not that funny. I like bad puns and wordplay jokes which most people find annoying or silly at best. But what the hell, I like it.
Do you know what I saw? Wood.
Wednesday, November 09, 2005
stuff
If there is one thing I thank my parents for is not ever bringing the idea of stereotypes into my young skull. No matter what they thought of any type of person, us kids would never hear it spoken or otherwise. That may be the most important lesson I learned from them (well the honesty thing is up there too. Maybe higher, crap, I'm saving that for later.).
I learned all of my stereotypical knowledge from the outside world, mostly in school. Not so much the adults but the kids around me. In fact, I remember a teacher calling me out on ignorance that I had acquired from the local beliefs (it was in high school, Latin class, Mrs. Wilson if you must know). At that moment I took stock and realized that I was wrong. To this day I remember how what I said was so callous and wrong but when I said it I had know idea how lame it was. Until I was set straight.
Not that I'm any special accepting person. I've lived in this isolated, whitebread town for the last ten years. And these people are driving me crazy, I think (it's probably just me). Damn, I miss the city. I miss walking down the street and seeing people who don't look like anything like me. The idea of something other than American bar food excites me.
As far as I can tell people are people. Until they prove otherwise. Then they're just dumbasses, idiots and spazzes. Or something like that.
I learned all of my stereotypical knowledge from the outside world, mostly in school. Not so much the adults but the kids around me. In fact, I remember a teacher calling me out on ignorance that I had acquired from the local beliefs (it was in high school, Latin class, Mrs. Wilson if you must know). At that moment I took stock and realized that I was wrong. To this day I remember how what I said was so callous and wrong but when I said it I had know idea how lame it was. Until I was set straight.
Not that I'm any special accepting person. I've lived in this isolated, whitebread town for the last ten years. And these people are driving me crazy, I think (it's probably just me). Damn, I miss the city. I miss walking down the street and seeing people who don't look like anything like me. The idea of something other than American bar food excites me.
As far as I can tell people are people. Until they prove otherwise. Then they're just dumbasses, idiots and spazzes. Or something like that.
Tuesday, November 08, 2005
Memories...the fog
This is the time of year that I remember things about my past. Or at least, it seems that fall is when I mark the passage of time. Maybe it's some kind of genetic memory thing, it seems there is some ancient European costumes that mark fall as the new year (according to some that's where Halloween comes from). No matter what, I've been performing the annual remeberance rituals. Like digging through old photographs and letters I've receive. I am a packrat, so I have almost every letter sent to me since I've lived out here, probably every photo I've taken as well and most of the magazines I've received.
I have no desire to live in the past but I do like to remember it every so often. My puny little brain doesn't remember many of the events of my life so I have to rely on documentation to jog my memory. If you were to ask me right now, I'd be hard pressed to recount an event of my childhood. Beyond childhood, my memories are still fuzzy at best. There are certain people and places that are clear but events are the cloudiest.
There is probably reasons why I can remember objects more than actions. If you know me in meatspace, you know I have a hard time getting quotations right (and speaking in general for that matter). At times I probably come across as a stoner (or an simpleton) but I'd guess (and hope) those times are rare. There are times when words just won't come to me.
Seeing as I'm better at remembering things rather than situations, I'm not surprised that now is when I'm looking at artifacts. And since this is the season I've seemed to designate as the new year, this is the time for me to get in touch with that which has past.
The good thing about the before times is that it can actually provide a path for the later times. Because of what has happened before I know what I want and don't want to do with myself. And I know what kind of people are important to keep around me. I've been blessed so far and I want to keep it that way.
I have no desire to live in the past but I do like to remember it every so often. My puny little brain doesn't remember many of the events of my life so I have to rely on documentation to jog my memory. If you were to ask me right now, I'd be hard pressed to recount an event of my childhood. Beyond childhood, my memories are still fuzzy at best. There are certain people and places that are clear but events are the cloudiest.
There is probably reasons why I can remember objects more than actions. If you know me in meatspace, you know I have a hard time getting quotations right (and speaking in general for that matter). At times I probably come across as a stoner (or an simpleton) but I'd guess (and hope) those times are rare. There are times when words just won't come to me.
Seeing as I'm better at remembering things rather than situations, I'm not surprised that now is when I'm looking at artifacts. And since this is the season I've seemed to designate as the new year, this is the time for me to get in touch with that which has past.
The good thing about the before times is that it can actually provide a path for the later times. Because of what has happened before I know what I want and don't want to do with myself. And I know what kind of people are important to keep around me. I've been blessed so far and I want to keep it that way.
No umlats for me.
One of the ways I can tell I am getting older is the release dates on my albums (and the fact that I still call them albums). It seems that many of the records that I consider my favorite are over ten years old. I do find myself listening to more and more stuff that isn't really that new. Much of it is stuff that I missed the first time around. I guess it could just be a matter of filling in the gaps.
That's not to say all, there are some that were released within the last months and year that are quickly moving up my internal chart of all time greatest albums. Thank god for Internet radio, my friends and family, I'd be so behind without them.
At this moment I'm listening to "Scream, Dracula, Scream" by Rocket from the Crypt which came out in '95. And it still rocks. It should have changed the face of rock. I can't decide if I'm in rock mode or not these days. I go back and forth between rock and the softer side. It's all still indie, hip-hop an smatterings of jazz and country. Maybe it's the thought of the upcoming snowboarding season and I'm starting to get myself pumped up. Riding does go better with rock (and hip-hop).
Of course I get a real rock-n-roll treat this coming weekend. I get to see the Supersuckers in Denver. Sweet! And I get the eff out of this godforsaken hellhole of a town for most of a weekend. I just hope I don't get an elbow in the chest again. That hurt for almost a week. I can't wait.
That's not to say all, there are some that were released within the last months and year that are quickly moving up my internal chart of all time greatest albums. Thank god for Internet radio, my friends and family, I'd be so behind without them.
At this moment I'm listening to "Scream, Dracula, Scream" by Rocket from the Crypt which came out in '95. And it still rocks. It should have changed the face of rock. I can't decide if I'm in rock mode or not these days. I go back and forth between rock and the softer side. It's all still indie, hip-hop an smatterings of jazz and country. Maybe it's the thought of the upcoming snowboarding season and I'm starting to get myself pumped up. Riding does go better with rock (and hip-hop).
Of course I get a real rock-n-roll treat this coming weekend. I get to see the Supersuckers in Denver. Sweet! And I get the eff out of this godforsaken hellhole of a town for most of a weekend. I just hope I don't get an elbow in the chest again. That hurt for almost a week. I can't wait.
Monday, November 07, 2005
Losing track of nostalgia
Today over at myspace I got an invite to join a group for alumni of my high school. After looking around that group I think I'm going to pass joining it. When people are posting topics about what they miss about high school I think I should just stay away. High school is something I don't miss. It wasn't really miserable but it wasn't really the peak of my life (hopefully I haven't hit that yet). The truth is there are probably less than ten people I graduated with that even wonder what the hell happened to them. And two of them I already know.
Since high school, I've met a lot of people over the years. And many of those are the ones that I am the most curious about. People who left to do things, people who have just disappeared out of my life. Or I disappeared. In years past I had a tendency to drop off the face of the earth (although it seems you can find my imprint here, now). Also, I'm not always the best at keeping in touch, even with the Internet. It seems that I'm really good at losing track of people. I really have know idea where any of the people I knew when I first moved to Colorado are anymore other than maybe one who stayed in Boulder. I figure I'll just run into them randomly if they are still in the state. That's how it seems to happen with me.
The flipside of this is that many of the people who I lost track of and wondered where they were came out of the wood work in the space of months over at myspace. And hopefully I'll see a few of them when I'm home for Thanksgiving.
Now I really am going to bed.
Since high school, I've met a lot of people over the years. And many of those are the ones that I am the most curious about. People who left to do things, people who have just disappeared out of my life. Or I disappeared. In years past I had a tendency to drop off the face of the earth (although it seems you can find my imprint here, now). Also, I'm not always the best at keeping in touch, even with the Internet. It seems that I'm really good at losing track of people. I really have know idea where any of the people I knew when I first moved to Colorado are anymore other than maybe one who stayed in Boulder. I figure I'll just run into them randomly if they are still in the state. That's how it seems to happen with me.
The flipside of this is that many of the people who I lost track of and wondered where they were came out of the wood work in the space of months over at myspace. And hopefully I'll see a few of them when I'm home for Thanksgiving.
Now I really am going to bed.
mix it up
Sometimes I try to design things for print. Generally flyers and business cards (I've been working on the Surly Pump Monkey card for months). Today I tried my hand at a CD insert. A simple one but it was still a challenge. Most of it is just learning software I think. And figuring out how to get the damn thing to print right. I like trying though and everytime I finish something it gives me ideas for the next time. If there is a goal in mind I find that my time spent in front of the computer is a lot more productive.
Strangely, for the first time in many years I'm feeling the need to be more productive. There is this urge to create things, whether it's mixed CDs or some kind of photo thing. I just have the itch to do something. It's about the time that I start wishing that I had some kind of musical talent other than the same beat that I tap out with my knuckles.
I've always been one that believed that I have some kind of creativity, I just don't know what the medium is yet. This here Internet thing is something, between this place and posting some photos over at Flickr it seems to be a start.
Anyway it's late and I should go to bed but that's just a suggestion.
Strangely, for the first time in many years I'm feeling the need to be more productive. There is this urge to create things, whether it's mixed CDs or some kind of photo thing. I just have the itch to do something. It's about the time that I start wishing that I had some kind of musical talent other than the same beat that I tap out with my knuckles.
I've always been one that believed that I have some kind of creativity, I just don't know what the medium is yet. This here Internet thing is something, between this place and posting some photos over at Flickr it seems to be a start.
Anyway it's late and I should go to bed but that's just a suggestion.
Saturday, November 05, 2005
New stuff
I've got way too much new (to me) music to go through. I got the a package from my brother that had more than enough to catch up with, not to mention the stuff that Dr. Caddel on Safari dropped on me not to long ago. I can't even sort it out. Right now I'm listening to Big Business which is by far the heaviest of anything I've got my grubby hands on recently. Even heavier than the Jello & Melvins album (of course that's just my opinion). Heavy can be good depending on the dosage.
But the real gem in what I've been given is the Calexico/Iron & Wine album "In the Reins". Not heavy at all. Mellow and amazing is what I think I would call it. It's a master work of where this whole softer side of the indie world is heading. This could be one of those albums that will be looked over now but years down the line will be recognized for the great work that it is. In some form this is album is the culmitation of American Music. It has dinge and twang but a feel that is just calming for the most part. An amazing piece of work.
Not to mention that I'm just now starting to get into Yo La Tengo! How the hell did I miss them after all of these years?
But the real gem in what I've been given is the Calexico/Iron & Wine album "In the Reins". Not heavy at all. Mellow and amazing is what I think I would call it. It's a master work of where this whole softer side of the indie world is heading. This could be one of those albums that will be looked over now but years down the line will be recognized for the great work that it is. In some form this is album is the culmitation of American Music. It has dinge and twang but a feel that is just calming for the most part. An amazing piece of work.
Not to mention that I'm just now starting to get into Yo La Tengo! How the hell did I miss them after all of these years?
Friday, November 04, 2005
Fear
When I was in my early teens, I never expected to live as long has I have. In fact, I believed that there would be very few if any humans alive by now. Being a kid on the tail end of the cold war could have that kind of effect on you. It was not beyond my comprehension that at anytime the world could descend into a nuclear holocaust that would wipe out large chunks of the global population. Not only that but turn much of the planet into a radioactive wasteland. It just seemed like the inevitable conclusion to history. And this was long before I tried drugs.
Now I'm not so certain and the fact that I'm still alive or not roaming the wastelands with some sort of high-technology aware tribe still surprises me at certain moments. Not very often does it surprise me but when I think back, I'm surprised at how strongly I believed that scenario. It probably explains my fascination with zombie movies.
Ever since the Iron Curtain fell, I haven't felt that fear of the annihilation that I felt as a kid. Even with the things that have happened in the last seven years or so. It may be callus, but the bombings of modern times are nowhere nearly as scary to me as my young fear of a global annihilation.
My fears, if you could even call them that are now more mundane in nature. The same fears most of us probably share. Those of loneliness, poverty or whatever else there is. But I try not to dwell on it.
Really the world isn't that scary. Sure, there are scary places, places I probably would never set foot in. But overall, it ain't that bad out there.
Now I'm not so certain and the fact that I'm still alive or not roaming the wastelands with some sort of high-technology aware tribe still surprises me at certain moments. Not very often does it surprise me but when I think back, I'm surprised at how strongly I believed that scenario. It probably explains my fascination with zombie movies.
Ever since the Iron Curtain fell, I haven't felt that fear of the annihilation that I felt as a kid. Even with the things that have happened in the last seven years or so. It may be callus, but the bombings of modern times are nowhere nearly as scary to me as my young fear of a global annihilation.
My fears, if you could even call them that are now more mundane in nature. The same fears most of us probably share. Those of loneliness, poverty or whatever else there is. But I try not to dwell on it.
Really the world isn't that scary. Sure, there are scary places, places I probably would never set foot in. But overall, it ain't that bad out there.
Wednesday, November 02, 2005
Ghosts of youth
Originally uploaded by surly monkey.
So now it's back to the grind and for me to get back on track for my silly little projects. The show needs to be planned and I need to talk to some more people that have done this kind of thing before. It still seems a little absurd for me to even be thinking about putting together a photo show but what the hell. I've got thousands of photos, I might as well do something with them. It'll be an experience if nothing else.
I'm just scared that I'll talk myself out of it. I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them. There is nice case of self-doubt that courses through my brain. The whole self-esteem thing eludes me most of the time. It's a hard thing to rise above sometimes, I know where it comes from but doing something about it is a whole another story. What's even sadder is that I know that I have skills in certain areas but I still doubt myself. Stupid nature and nuture.
Whatever. I'll force myself into uncomfortable situations that will make me better after I'm on the other side. And when it's over, I'll think to myself that there is no reason I should have done it. It wouldn't be the first time.
It's over
Wow, I'm glad that only comes once a year. I have no business going to work after my birthday. At least I survived with my stomach lining intact. Thanks to all that watched over me, I needed that.
Man I really have nothing tonight. I think I'm just a little too fuzzy still from last night.
Screw it, I'm going to bed.
Man I really have nothing tonight. I think I'm just a little too fuzzy still from last night.
Screw it, I'm going to bed.
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