Up in smoke

I'm approaching six months with out a cigarette. It's been long enough that I don't remember what I felt like when I did smoke (or what I smelled like). The fingers I used to hold my cigarettes have lost the yellow tinge that I thought was going to last forever. It seems that my sense of smell has improved, I can tell when I wake up late at night if the downstairs neighbors are smoking or not.

There are very few times I even think about wanting a smoke. The other day I was telling Phrank that one of the few times I find myself wanting one is after mopping the floors. She thought that was odd, I think. Although, the post mopping smoke was a habit I had for many years at the various gas stations I worked at. That's the thing about smoking, smokers use a cigarette as a reward or a moment to catch their breath (ironic as that may be).

The big test for me was probably driving back to Indiana by myself. I've been told over the years that road trips are a big deal breaker for people trying to quit. I can see that. I'd tried the drive before without smoking and it was pretty tough but this time I'd been off them long enough that it wasn't so bad. There were those moments late at night after the coffee had long stopped working that I would want one. Just as something to keep me awake.

Anyway, it seems that I'm going to keep this not smoking thing up. I kind of like not having to be outside when it's freaking cold. And my clothes don't seem to smell as bad, not to mention my car. Well the car still smells but that's just that french fry I lost.

Catching a sound wave

It's just my luck that I discover that Sleater-Kinney was one of the greatest rock bands several months after they go on indefinite hiatus. The local library system has several of their albums and if I see on I'll grab it to give it a spin. Last Sunday, the album The Woods from 2005 (which apparently is their last album) was in so I grabbed it. I kind of don't want to return it. When I finally popped it in I was blown away. I've liked the other records I've heard by them but this one is something different. It seems to have all the elements of noise that make a good rock record for me. Just enough dissonance, catchy hooks and lyrics that seems to tell stories (and I'm beginning to think there is a theme to this album).

Due to such a wide selection of music at my local library (and a fresh stack of CDs from Paradox that cam in the mail yesterday) I am once again completely behind in my music. It going to be time to play catch up. And that doesn't even take into consideration the actual albums I've been picking up at thrift stores and garage sales.

There could be far worse things than having a lot of music to catch up on. And Phrank did get me one of the better Sonic Youth albums (Murray Street) to come out in the 00's (on CD and vinyl no less). That one I've actually listened to enough to come to that conclusion (and if you don't have it, get it).

And I still have plenty of room on my iPod.

Voices on the phone

So I finally got the customer I was waiting to get. That would be the one that couldn't spell CNN. I'd been waiting for her since I hit the floor. There have been other people I've talked to who probably shouldn't have computers or access to the Internet. My coworker, Larry, was lucky in that he got her is first few days but that time she couldn't spell HBO. His was even better because that time he had to tell her HomeBoy Out to get her to spell it right. I just told her CharlieNancyNancy.

I use CNN.com as a test page because the page updates every thirty minutes or so. That way I know that it not a page loading from temporary files. Sometimes I get the guy that thinks I am trying to brainwash him by directing him to that site. Usually it's something like "you know they are part of the liberal media" or "I get my news from Fox, bub." Amazingly I have to explain that I didn't pick CNN because of their content but the fact that the frontpage stays pretty current. Although I have this sneaking suspicion that one day someone is going to be seriously offended that I've asked them to go to CNN and get so mad they'll want to talk to my supervisor.

I'm not sure about all of those people that live in Southern California.

Soul Sucking Jerks.

It seems that winter has started. The cold hit finally. I don't mind it so much but defrosting and scraping the car in the morning can be a pain especially if I'm running late.

This new job of mine is sucking the life out of me I think. I never realized how much I dislike highly structured work environments until working here. Add to that the fact that no one ever calls when they're happy. The past four days were spent in a room they call the Icebox. And that's a literal description. I think I've begun to get sick from sitting in there all week.

And what's even better is everything we were taught this week in training is going to be obsolete within a month or so. WooHoo!

You know I should probably think of something nice to say about the place but I just can't. Okay, some of the people that work there are nice.

I really think I had something else to say when I sat down here but I can't remember.

Customer Disservice

I've decided I would really hate to be a customer of the company I work for or at least certain customers. It seems that the standards are set in such a way in the call center that some customers will get stuck in an infernal loop of transfers that a resolution to their problem is impossible. Most of this is due to the fact that we as agents can only be on the phone for so long, and to keep call times down people get transfered. I'm new enough that my call length by far exceeds what is expected of agents on the floor. It seems that if we weren't trying to keep our times down so much we may be able to take care of many issues without transferring people.

Although after being on the side of the phone I am now, I can see why at times it's taken several calls to some companies to get a resolution. It completely depends on which agent you get calling a given call center. There is a lot for agents to know and not all of them even know the basics. It seems I have a fair handle on what I'm supposed to know and can come to a resolution for a customer much of the time. But I still get those questions that stump me. Most of the time it turns out to be Windows issue or something unrelated to my job. Like the fellow who wanted me to setup his printer over the phone.

The really funny thing about having this job is that I really hate answering the phone. Ask Phrank, she'd tell you. Or any of my past roommates that I've shared a phone with. I really can't answer why I took this job other than the benefits are good and I might pick some things up for the next step.

Boring email

Ever since I've started on the phones I've been asking myself a question. Why the hell would anyone use an email address provided by an ISP (Internet Service Provider)? I can't count the amount of calls I've taken where people are having issues with their email. Due to the ever changing nature of the telecommunications industry it doesn't make sense to me to use an email address where the potential for the address to change several months from now is high. Not only that but most ISP have stingy limits on the storage space on their servers. The company I work for had a max limit of 100 megs, that's tiny! Not to mention the amount of spam they seem to receive. There really is only one advantage that I can see and that's the ease of configuring email client programs (and even that is a lame excuse).

Perhaps it's a generational thing, it does seem that it's the over 55 set that uses the company's provided email more than the younger ones. There is that age group that still believes one can trust the companies one does business with.

Who's to say? And if you made it this far, sorry about your eyes glazing over. But I'm having to work myself back into this blog thing. I'll get better I promise.

I'm not even sure which circle it is...

I imagine by this point writing anything here is probably like talking to myself. I've pretty much forgotten about this little section of the Internet. The truth is I've been far more interested in being a passive participate out here on the Interwebs lately.

What's new? Well since you asked, I've left the print industry. And yet I've still managed to descend into a new level of customer service hell (hey it's a start). If you're reading this from the LA region then I represent what most likely is your local cable company (for job security I think I'll leave it nameless) and I am answering your angry phone calls about why you can't get online. Yep, it's a call center. In the high speed Internet division.

The thing about this job is that nobody ever calls us when things are going good. And some people are really freaking pissed when they call. I guess the advantage is they aren't able to physically do any harm.

It's only been a month. I do like the fact that I have coworkers again. That's nice.

Something tells me this new job could provide ample ground for new gripes here at Surly Pump Monkey. Like the lady that couldn't spell HBO (Larry took that call).

Home again

Two Fridays ago, I was informed that the following Monday was to be my last day. Now I had given a two week notice that would have taken affect tomorrow. So I was going to have almost two weeks of downtime. What's a boy to do? Well, this boy decided to go home, to Indiana that is.

So last Wednesday, I hopped in the Surly Mayfly and headed to parts east of here. Living down here the Front Range cuts the drive time by close to six hours. I showed up at my folks house at six in the morning. I don't even know how long I stopped and slept.

It was a cool visit, I could have actually had a few more days and I did manage to jack my heel the first day at the Bloomington skate park. That's what I get for trying to drop into the big bowl. I also got to meet my brothers newest addition, an Italian Greyhound named Burney (Magpie named him after Mr. Burns). Got a bunch of new music. We're not going to talk about what format it's in.

I managed to make it back to Colorado Springs but the Surly Mayfly didn't. The alternator went out and I made it just east of the city. So into the shop it goes and I'm going to suck it up and get the timing belt replaced.

This was the first time in a long time that I've had someone back here waiting on me to get home. And I was ready to get back to our life here. It's been awhile since I missed someone like that. Anyway I'm glad to get back but once again I'll miss Indiana for a few days.

One ring

The future Mrs. Surly Pump Monkey has been asking me for a couple days now when I'm going to blog again. I guess I have been remiss but at least this time it's only a week.

I'm not sure if the reality of being engaged has sunk in all the way yet. I do know the ring looks pretty on her finger and I keep finding myself looking at it (perhaps partly to reassure myself this is happening). We went with a sapphire partly because I'm poor and partly because I have issues with diamonds (as in I don't like them and hate the DeBeers Corp. and it's marketing schemes). The thing is it looks really good on her finger.

This is all new to me but I don't mind it. It's comforting to know that I have someone with whom I want to spend the rest of my life with and we've made a step to insure that it happens.

It still strikes me as funny in a way that this all started here on the Internet. Oh our modern world.

Pablo will no longer be a bastard

Yes, yes, I fully intended to get here earlier but I got distracted. But my character is now a level 51 psionist and a level 40 cleric. Yeah, I shouldn't be wasting my time playing that game but I am somewhat entertained by it.

I managed to get back to Steamboat for a day or so. If I didn't see you sorry, it was a rush trip. I was there to marry off Brett and Nikki. It was good to see those who I got to see though, Paradox and Penny's parents. Apparently the ceremony went off well even with my having to ad lib part of it.

I met Phrank's mother this weekend, it was interesting. Phrank and her mother aren't that much alike but there are some things that they do exactly the same (I'll probably get slugged for that). Anyway, her mother was nice and if nothing else fawned over the cats.

In other news, I have ordered a ring for Phrank and as far as I know we will get married someday. Or something like that. Knowing that I'd never be able to find anyone quite like her and seeing that she wants this to work I figured it was time. Perhaps a bit soon but compared to my grandparents we're waiting forever (they got married the day after they met).

Good you've all recovered.

We haven't set a date. A year, yes. Sometime in 2008.

Wow, I've never done this before.

slugs

I'm not sure how I feel about myself these days. There are quite a few times when those thoughts of self-doubt and self-loathing creep into my head and I just can't seem to shake them. When I screw up or get my mistakes pointed out I get upset. Upset with myself but it perhaps appears as upset with other people.

The flip side to this is that my moods are affected by other peoples moods even though I try not to let it happen. When people around me are being crabby or grumpy towards me it gets to me even if I'm not the cause of it. I know that I'm not supposed to take it personally but sometime I do.

Over the years I've found myself going through various ebbs and flows of this stuff. Especially the self-loathing. It feels like it has to be peaking right about now because the insomnia is the worst it's been in a while and the thoughts that will be unnamed are the strongest.

I guess I should just remember that this too shall pass.

Hijacked!

Well, as you can see, this blog was hijacked yesterday by the lovely and talented Phrank. She says pirated, I say hijacked. I'm going to have to fix it so she can't get in here.

So what have I been doing instead of writing this here thingee? Let's see, you all know about the furniture, the fact that I talk in my sleep and I drool. Computer/Internet wise, I've been sucked into once again attempting to figure out UNIX with very little success. I can't even get the newsreader to work right. Not only that but I found a free VAX/VMS network to login into. Geez, the network OS of my youth. An aside to all you former BSU Refugees, I can't remember any of the old commands from VAX and it's just not the same in you can't tell where people are sitting any more. I know, geek, geek, geek.

The Surly Mayfly rolled over to 200000 miles this weekend. I was pretty excited about that. I even managed to get a picture of it rolling over. Although it may be considered cheating because I drove around the parking lot until it did. But now I need a new thing to obsess over.

I'll probably just stick with the UNIX thing for the time being. I'm way too distracted to write anymore right now.

ghostwriting--the wave of the 21st century

here's the thing, dear readers (that's right...you two guys over there), i've grown tired of checking keith's blog every morning thinking we might see a new post. sometimes destiny is what you make of it so here's a post. (you gotta think i'm going to get in trouble for this one!)

while the lug is still a snoring, drooling, babbling wad under the covers with a cat on his head, i've pirated his blog. funny, i don't feel like i pirate although i'm musty like one as i took yesterday off with the bathing gig. and the babbling...yes, he babbles in his sleep. being a good, often paranoid girlfriend, i used to try to break the code, so to speak, and figure out what he was saying. perhaps i would get some clue...some something...another woman's name or a location...(yes, yes i know the humor in this as keith is one of the good guys. he tells on himself for god's sake.)...i blame this all on aaron spelling and his 1980's and 1990's creations. damn you, melrose place!

i digress.

often.

today looks to be a day of bliss. yesterday we purchased new living room furniture as the existing futon could have been used as a torture device as its designer had obviously never heard the word 'comfort'. friday i went to the preview at the local auction house to find the perfect sofa. i found one that was perfectly aesthetically pleasing being a retro 1970's yellow and white flowered number. a bit too stiff though. i plopped. i sprawled. i reclined. and then i found it. (insert angelic mantras.) it's not pretty but it's not ugly. but, oh my. plus, the couch had two friends--an overstuffed recliner and an overstuffed rocker recliner.

so yesterday morning i took my barney rubble to the auction, pointed at various sofas and said, "sit there" and "what do you think". we agreed on the comfy sofa and his two friends. imagine how soft you'd imagine delta burke's bosom would be in her last two years on 'designing women'. the set is that soft.

the time came for bidding on my sofa and recliners. yes, i was already possessive telling grown men to please take their feet off of my couch. only one other bidder and myself were after the set. the other bidder was the owner of a shop who resold everything he bought. as the bidding got higher, i finally glared at the guy and yelled, "hey man, it's my couch and i'm poor!". the guy stopped bidding and we got the set for $85.

the plan for today involves lots of quality recliner and couch time. i'll make breakfast and read the sunday paper in my lovely recliner. after doing the morning dishes, i'll return to my recliner to enjoy today's race. i will nap and in my naptime, i will rejoice.

sweet blessed comfort.

I was wrong...

There are times when I screw up. Seemingly, when I do two things happen, I screw up more than once in a short amount of time and I make it worse by not coming right out and admitting I screwed up. I find myself operating under the assumption that I am perfect and how dare someone tell me I'm wrong. When I am confronted I'll protest and justify until my face turns blue which almost always makes the situation worse.

It took me until very recently to realize that not only do I screw up but in fact I need to admit it and face the fact that I did screw up. It's an ego thing to not admit I'm wrong (which is another surprising discovery, considering for years I thought I had no ego). Looking back it suddenly makes sense where I get it. I don't think my father ever admitted he was wrong about anything. I'm sure one of the siblings can set me straight if that's not the case. Anyway, it occurs to me that I'm just emulating him when I act like this.

What I need to learn is that if I can't just immediately admit that I'm wrong then for the time being I just need to keep my mouth shut until I can admit it. Sometimes silence isn't such a bad thing.

Cute widdle bunnies

First let me get this out of the way:

"But he said no mowe swippery swope!"
"Oh, the administwation is mewely pandewing to its cwazy voting base again."

Thanks to this post at Sadly, No! the phrase "mewely pandewing" has been stuck in my head for the last day. Stupid bunnies.

We can move on now with that out of the way.

It seems that there has been a small pattern develop in the life of my lovely and talented girlfriend. Every so often a former beau will contact her, seemingly out of the blue. It's happened enough that now I don't think it really phases me anymore. At first it was a tad disconcerting but I learned that I really had nothing to worry about and it would do any good to worry about it anyway. Also, most of these guys were more in the "it's been a long time, how are you doing?" catagory.

Sometimes I'm surprised at how secure I really am in this whole relationship with Phrank. I know at times it seems that I'm not that secure but when I really think about it I actually am. There really isn't that much to get worked up about and when I do it's pretty much just me driving myself crazy. Sure we have problems but show me a couple that doesn't and we'll probably be looking at a couple of people in serious denial.

It's been said here before but I really do still think I'm pretty lucky or bless if you will. I've got a woman that loves me and accepts me for what I am right now. On top of that she makes sure I take better care of me including preparing healthy meals (I do the dishes). It makes me happy to know that I deserve to go to sleep next to some one as awesome as she is.

Last cigarette (who the hell sang that song, anyway?)

Sometime in the next several hours, I'll have hit three weeks without smoking. Not bad for never tried to quite before, I think. There are still moments when I really want one, especially after work, skating and doing the dishes but it's not every time. Most of the time I don't think about it. Of course, it hit me tonight that to make it work I can't allow myself to ever have one again. Ever. Bummer.

There was a time when I enjoyed smoking actually. Back when you could still buy single cigarettes here in Colorado, I would smoke maybe three a day. One in the morning on my walk to work (this was before I had a car), one after work and another sometime in the evening. I'm sure there were times when I would have more than that but it was rare. In those days I would get a buzz off each of those cigarettes (that buzz is what gets you hooked by the way) and I enjoyed that buzz. It's hard to describe just what it was like now.

My guess is that I will miss those death sticks. They were always there for me. Anytime there was a crises (or I had to talk to certain people on the phone (mostly mom)) there was a cigarette. If I was upset, I believed that cigarettes would calm me down, when it fact it was probably just deep breathing. Perhaps I should have said goodbye to them.

And the thing is after writing all of this, I still don't want one. Or at least bad enough to have one.

Useless idiot?

I think I've stumbled (and thousands of others) across what could be the greatest piece of writing on the Internet, ever. First go read this, I'll wait. Done? Good. Did you notice the source? Yes, the man quoted the The Onion. An article from 1999 no less. This post of Pete's garnered several hundred comments informing him that a) he is an idiot and b) The Onion is a parody site/paper. I think the best comment may have been this:

I'm pro life, but sweet Jesus you're an idiot. For your next post, how about a passionate speech on the need to immediately free Prince Albert from the can?

But it gets even better. Pete is either too obtuse or to proud to admit that he'd been had. He had to go and write another post quoting even more of the original parody and defending his original post is some twisted way that you will just have to read for yourself. Sheesh. Double sheesh actually, because there is a third post decrying the language used in the comments from the two previous postings.

Now I'll be the first one to admit that I can be something of an idiot sometimes. But geez, I usually drop it after I realize that I was wrong (of course, there are times where I'll hold out until it's just painfully obvious). Although, I also don't have an extreme position that I'm holding onto and obsess over (and no Wikipedia does not count!) that leads to blindness of sorts. I guess I'll have to check on old Pete for the next few days and see what comes of it.

Rainy Monday...I mean Wednesday

The thing about having a holiday/day off in the middle of the week is you can sometimes end up with two Mondays. Which was sort of the case today after having yesterday off. Actually the only real reason for this was because it started raining (and yes we need it desperately, I'm not complaining) almost as soon as I walked out of the door of work. This after the storm clung to the mountains as if we were approaching Mordor for the entire day up until I left. Heck I spent a fair amount of the day watching the clouds just rest there. Somedays it really looks like there must be an evil wizard deep inside Cheyenne Mountain.

Anyway the only reason the rain slightly annoyed me is because I wanted to go skateboarding after work. There is a skatepark within five minutes of work (depending on traffic, of course) and I'm beginning to get the hang of this park. I've managed to go everyday since Saturday and I kind of like the habit I'm getting into.

It's been good for me to get out and skate ever since I started this quitting smoking thing. For one, it helps reinforce why I'm actually quitting in that my lungs will be stronger eventually. And while I'm doing it I don't really crave a smoke (although I still can't say the same for after skating).

The truth is I didn't even think about the reasons for quitting until after I stopped. Apparently this isn't the best way to go about it but I've never been known for picking the best methods of doing things. I do know that I was getting sick of the money I was spending on the damn things and that someday the smoking would catch up to me in the form of a portable oxygen tank.

And almost five hours later, it's still raining. If this keeps up the grass on the hills may yet turn green.

Forty-eight hours

A few minutes ago I hit forty-eight hours without having a cigarette or any form of nicotine. Right now I don't want one because I wouldn't want to go through the last two days again.

At some point last weekend I came up with the brilliant idea that Phrank and I should quit on July 1st. As the state of Colorado instituted the smoking ban today I figured that it would be appropriate. Of course when I woke up yesterday morning and had no cigarettes left I figured I might as well start quitting then.

Ugh. Talk about out of it. I was incoherent and loopy all day yesterday. Not to mention tired yet restless.

Today I've just been grumpy and itchy. Which isn't such a good thing because Phrank is grumpy from not having any cigarettes. Of course she was smart enough to use nicotine gum but it's not any easier on her as the no cigarettes hack has descended on her. We cleaned the house for most of the morning and after which I made myself scarce as much as I could. I knew being as grumpy and irritable as I was feeling, I could actually say something that I might regret and I didn't want to do that.

Here's the strange thing, the cravings aren't yet as bad as I thought they would be. I've yet to fully tell myself that I want a cigarette. Yeah, there's been moments where I crave just a hit of nicotine. That's the physical addiction. I'm wondering about the mental part. Perhaps the fact that I'm trying to change my routines is helping. For instance, I would always have a smoke after eating, now I've been trying to take a small walk after eating. It's weird, even some of the triggers that usually send me straight for a smoke have happened and I haven't even thought about one other than "I used to smoke when this would happen".

All I can say is I hope I can make this last.

Idiots

I really try to keep my political opinions to myself. Not just by rarely writing about them here but in my daily life. I find that if I keep them to myself, people tend to not offer their own opinions. It has been my experience that most people who ask me about politics almost always have an agenda, usually they want an argument or to start a monologue.

Tonight I think I'm going to break this rule. Once again, the stupid flag desecration amendment failed to pass, although this time it was a heck of a lot closer. Only failing by one vote, I wonder to myself who the hell are these people in the Senate? I get the House, all the loonier ones end up there (on both sides I might add) but the Senate is supposed to be where the more thoughtful politicians end up (emphasis on supposed). Here's the thing, as far as I can tell the flag is just a symbol of this country. When people say they fought for the flag they really mean this nation. I can't imagine that some protester burning the American flag is really going to bring this nation to it's knees. The current administration on the other hand just might (I'll stop right there). When it comes down to it, a flag is just a piece of cloth. Sure it may be loaded with symbolism but it isn't much different than the ragged jeans on the floor of our bedroom.

I realize that this issue is just the tip of the iceberg and if I really wanted to talk about the idiocy of those in power I could pick some more substantive issues. Such as the ongoing war and corresponding reduction of our civil liberties and privacy. Something tells me that this flag thing and all of the other stuff is related. Or at least symbolically. It smacks of more of the same rising nationalistic streak we seemed to be going through as a nation in the last six years or so. Patriotism is one thing but there is such a thing as too much patriotism.

What do I know, I'm just an idiot with a keyboard?

Soapbox derby, stupid money

Soapbox derby
Originally uploaded by surly monkey.

So there are actually quite a bit of things to do here that don't always require money. Case in point, on Sunday Phrank and I headed downtown to check out the soapbox derby. I actually thought the cars might go a bit faster than they did but it was still pretty cool. Perhaps the best part was seeing the kids who had spent the time to make the cars excited to race them. There wasn't that much of a crowd but what was there was fairly enthusiastic.

For some reason money is one of the biggest issues that I let cause me stress. There always seems to be a point when the realization hits that yes I will get paid at the end of the week most of my check is already spoken for. The thing is I've almost always been broke and the few times I wasn't, I wasn't any happier. Knowing that should be enough to keep me from getting down about not having any money but it doesn't always. Like most things, that stressed out feeling seems to pass after a few hours. The concern is still in the back of my head but it doesn't bother me so much.

Having said all that, I'll gladly let one of my wealthy readers buy me a new computer. Oh right, you all are as poor as me. Oh well.

Goddamn Cat.

I was almost asleep when one of the cats decided to step on my head. Unfortunately, when I'm awakened while drifting off I find it pointless lay there trying to doze off again. So now I'm sitting here in my underwear hoping to get tired again. Soon I hope.

Tonight I realized something about this thing with me and Phrank as we were sitting at Denny's (there's a Denny's here!). Sometimes our relationship takes work (all relationships like this do) but for once I like that it does. For the longest time I always wanted the easy way and I didn't want to work for anything worthwhile. Why bother on trying? And the thing about this one, it's always so much us that needs work but myself. Or at least with her and with her help I'm beginning to see things in myself that I've never dealt with or even been aware of. It can be frustrating for her I know and the fact that I still can't always verbalize about them doesn't help.

Last weekend she revealed something to me that I don't know exactly how I would have handled in the past. I guess back then I would have walked away or tried to punish her somehow. I did withdraw some, which is my standard defense mechanism and isn't the healthiest way to deal with stuff. I didn't even realize that I was doing it.

The thing is through all of this, I still consider myself to be pretty damn lucky. I couldn't ask for a better woman. Not only does she treat me better than I could ever let her know (and that's another thing I need work on) but I kind of won in the hot girlfriend lottery.

Steamboat gets invaded

I've discovered that living with Phrank has cut down on the amount of time I spend online. Which isn't really a bad thing but I do find myself less inclined to pay attention to writing stuff here in this space. Of course my sister would say it's because I don't have anything to complain about anymore. There is a bit of truth to that but I'd like to believe that I didn't complain that much. Admittedly, when I started this I had a job that was pretty crappy (or at least the customers sucked).

After hearing the news about what is in store (and has already started) for the Steamboat area, I can safely say I'm damn glad I'm not there this summer. It seems that Rainbow Family has decided to have their national Rainbow Gathering about forty miles north of Steamboat. Man, I would be one hateful jackass if I were still working at the gas station this summer. I can't imagine how much more insane this is going to be compared to the 4th of July hippiefest they tried for a couple of years with the String Cheese Incident. At least the Rainbows won't be sticking around town that much once they stock up and get chased off for panhandling (as a side note, I've never seen more scorn heaped on panhandlers than I have in Steamboat). But there is still the normal hordes of overweight softball parents and their screaming broods of children. I'm not really missing that part of summer in Steamboat.

Anyway, those of you up there reading this, I feel for you. But at least all I have to deal with is the heat here. Oh and rightwingers.

Control

I have no control. This is something I thought I knew along time again. It's always seemed apparent to me that as the world spun around me there was really very little that I had the power to change. Including myself.

I've always had a sense of powerlessness. For quite a few years this powerlessness manifested itself in the guise of me seeking out conspiracy theories and believing them (that's not to say in the back of my head I still think there is a secret group pulling lots of strings). I was engrossed in them and they fed that feeling of no control over anything. By believing that some shadowy group controlled the destiny of the human race I was basically saying that I gave up and let it happen. What was I going to do, fight them somehow? Thankfully, after giving up some things and talking it out, I came out and realized that it really didn't matter and that it was a manifestation of a deeper paranoia. I still have quite a bit of paranoia but I believe it's not as bad as it once was.

What I'm slowly learning (and I mean very slowly) is that the only control I actually do have is over myself. I still don't know how to exert it most of the time. I let my emotions take over and shut down because I don't know how to deal with them. Dealing with my issues is going to take a long time and I don't even know really where to begin. Even though I have a pretty good idea of where they come from, I really don't know how much that is going to help. So far the only thing I know is that I have no control over anyone else but me and I don't have much of that right now.

Heat

The heat has finally hit. I thought I was prepared for it and I guess I knew it would be hot but it's always a bit of a shock when it finally sets in. This part of the state is still in a serious drought and it shows. As far as native plant life goes most of it is still brown and I doubt if it will get green at all by this point. There is a city wide fire ban and water restrictions are soon to follow.

Someone tried to tell me today that it's not always like this but I doubt if they were really telling the truth. Actually one of the few things I remember about being here that many years ago was the heat. And I was driving that stuffy little truck then as well. I still can't bring myself to use the AC in my car. Based on past experience, it doesn't seem to work that well as it is. Plus, I never drive far enough to warrant using it.

What really gets me about this is I have to get out of bed after laying there for a while because I get hot. This really has nothing to do with the heat outside, we have the AC on at night in the apartment. I'm just too stupid to get rid of the comforter. Tonight it's going away.

After this past weekends purchases I'll be finding myself out in it more often (which is a good thing, as long as there is enough water). Phrank and I bought a fair amount of camping gear and soon will be camping at one of the camping grounds here in town to test it all out. We've been hiking some as well. I've decided I need a new hydration pack. The one I have for the winter is just too small.

Once we get the gear situation settled it'll be good to escape the city and get up into the mountains. As I've said before there is a lot around here I haven't seen yet and I look forward to checking it out with Phrank.

I wonder if my sheets are cool yet?

The new view

double rainbow from the balcony
Originally uploaded by surly monkey.

So it's been a couple of weeks now since I moved down here. I've been neglecting to put anything here. I guess in a way I'm still sorting things out here. As far as work, I've pretty much got a routine down with a quick commute that avoids the interstate. Actually it's a rather scenic commute and one of these days I'm going to get out of my car and take some pictures of it.

My biggest dilemma now is trying to find my own thing to do. Since this whole cohabitation thing is pretty new to me, I'm not used to having give space to someone else. Living with friends and roommates is definitely not the same. A plus is, I did discover a skatepark not too far from work so I can go hit that sometimes after work. And there is always the library.

Trying to find my own thing in a town I just moved to is a bit challenging. I still don't know that many people and those that I do are through Phrank. Most of my interests have been solitary in nature that I can usually do with little more than my computer or a book. Although I did realize earlier tonight that I've done very little in the way of recon for taking photos. Perhaps it's time to start doing some more night photography again.

This is a whole new world to me.

And then I realized I was living in a city

It's been quite a few years since I've had any real commute to work. Probably since the I lived back in Indy almost twelve years ago (I still find it hard to believe that I've been here this long). Today marked the first day of my daily commute and really twenty minutes or so isn't that bad. My guess is that as I get more familiar with the area I may be able to find other ways.

This morning I followed Phrank's advice and avoided the interstate. I was going to take it but then I realized that most of the time she is right and this is probably one of those times. Plus, I actually get to listen to Morning Edition for awhile.

The strange thing is I'm not missing Steamboat as much as I thought I would. Perhaps it's because I only took one day off between jobs. I expected more of a homesick feeling and it didn't show up. I tend to forget that I'm actually adaptable and once I'm finally in a new situation handle it decently. The worst part is always the part leading up to a change. This is not to say that I don't miss the people there, I'm talking more about the town itself.

Being the fourth city in Colorado I've lived in, I can safely say the views in each city are unique. Here the mountains just push up from the ground (I guess Boulder is sort of that way) and start. Our balcony has a pretty decent sunset view and there were some neat colors tonight while I was outside smoking. There is this feel here that I can't quite put into words. It's a city, maybe that's part of it.

A new home

Well, it's official. Other than unpacking my last load out of my car and organizing my things I am here for good. I'm glad. To finally be here is a big relief. Among other things I no longer need to make that drive every weekend, which is good because it was really starting to get to me.

Phrank let me sleep until eight this morning and then she couldn't take it anymore. So I got up and we spent most of the day going to various plant sales for her new business. And then I watched her plant said plants. After that we went to a seventies themed graduation party, in outfits and all. It was fun and she looks pretty hot as a seventies girl, if I may say so.

Leaving work on Friday was harder than I thought it would be. For as much as I bitch and moan about that place it actually was the best place I've worked so far. A large part of that was the fact that the team working there was just so great. My boss baked me two going away cakes last week. Quite possibly the best cake I've ever had. And the girls made an awesome going away gift pack. They even tricked me into taking some of the photos for part of it. That part was a little book with pictures and some inside jokes. There was also Surly Monkey tshirts and a mouse pad. They kick ass. I will miss working there.

It was sad to say goodbye to those that I said goodbye to. I got a bit misty eyed as I headed over Rabbit Ears pass for what will be the last time for a while. I will miss people there but I am excited and happy to start this new chapter of my life with Phrank.

Last Hurrah

Tonight was my last hurrah in Steamboat. Which consisted of two slices of Mazolla's pizza and two PBRs and a small handful of close friends. Three, not counting the bartender (who quite possible is the greatest bartender ever), to be exact. For me that was the perfect way to go out this time. I really didn't want any kind of big send off, I forfeited that when I moved away six years ago.

Earlier tonight I tried to verbalize to Phrank how weird it was to be saying goodbye. I didn't really have the words for it and I'm still not sure if I do. I don't regret my decision to leave and I'm actually looking quite forward to this new chapter in my life. But there is a fair amount of sadness in saying goodbye. A handful of the people here have been a surrogate family for me for the last decade. They've been here for me during my dark moments as well as my joyous moments. I've learned some things from some of them and subjected all of them to my horrible sense of humor. As much as I'm ready to leave here, there are those that I will miss greatly.

On the other hand there are quite a few things here that I am more than willing to say goodbye to and be done with it. Real Estate agents and developers for instance. I can't stand those people. Not to mention the aging hippie types that thing the last great rock-n-roll album came out in 1975. And that's not even counting the neo-hippies of my own generation who are stuck in an era that they were in diapers when it happened. Stop holding a candle for Gerry and Trey. There is a contingent of people that live here that I'm quite fine with never having to deal with ever again. And I haven't even touched on the substance abusing crowd.

Wow, that took a different direction.

I guess when it comes down to it, I don't really want to say goodbye. I'd much rather give thanks to the people that were here for me in this place. My hope is that they all know that I'm grateful for being there when I needed them and that they will be in my thoughts as I go through life.

Thanks guys.

Finding stuff

Apparently I'm stopping my hiatus here. Tonight I started packing up the last of the big load. I'm hoping that all I'll have left here are my bike, the clothes I need next week and my computer. Of course I'll be finding all kinds of stuff that I forgot but it should all fit.

This slow moving process is a bit annoying, I think I'd rather pack it all up in a van and do it at once but that seems a bit overkill in this instance. Unlike previous moves I haven't really sat around and gone through every little bit of memorabilia I have. Mostly because it was still in the boxes from the last move. There is no flood of memories like there have been in the past. I still have almost every personal letter that has ever been sent to me (including post cards), stuffed into boxes and Priority Mail envelopes. There are a couple boxes of photos that I hope I still have the negatives of said photos. Random toys that people have given me over the years. Hell, I have rocks that I've picked up in various places and I can still remember where most of those rocks came from. There are four Red Hook twelve pack boxes stuffed with several years of National Geographic magazines that I just don't know what to do with.

I never thought I was tied to stuff but I see I am. I've never claimed to be materialistic but I'm always surprised by just how much crap I have everytime I move. The couple of times I did a pretty good job of getting rid of things but this time I haven't even tried. It just accumulates. One of these days I'll have to break out those boxes and go through it.

But even with all of this stuff, I have this suspicion that compared to other thirty-four year-olds out there, I really don't have that much. Two closets worth. Maybe that's not that much.

The package

Well it seems I am now the proud father of a rather large, baking soda eating cat. One thing about Phrank is she is a package deal. A package that consists of five cats, two rats, one guinea pig and two fish. Now if you're entertaining images of the crazy cat throwing lady from the Simpson's, stop. It's nothing like that, I haven't been pelted by a cat yet.

Anyway, Gunter and I have seemed to picked each other out. Which I'm not really sure what that says about me as he is the dumbest one of the herd of cats. At first I just felt sorry for him because everyone said he was dumb. Which he is. But he is dumb in an endearing way. And he falls down a lot which I have a bad habit of doing as well. Not only that but he lays and sleeps in Playboy Bunnyesque poses.

Truth be told I like the package that comes with Phrank and I think that I've reached an understanding with most of the pets. Considering that I had a near phobia of rats coming into this relationship I think I've done pretty well (but I still hate wild rats). At least there aren't any horses involved (I think one tried to shoot me in a dream).

In the mouth of madness

Until this weekend, I don't think I had ever really understood the word catharsis. But now I think I understand what it means and how it works.

Without going into too much detail, Phrank and I had a really big fight over the weekend. We managed to get through it but it is not something I want to go through again. There was a lot of raw emotion and anger on both our parts. It hurt. I haven't felt an emotional pain like that in a long time if ever.

The thing is, now that it is over and we are still standing together, I feel in a way we are almost stronger for having going through it. And I know now that I need her. I still don't have the words to explain exactly why or how I need her but I know I do.

If I were into all of that mystical bullshit, I'd say something like our souls have mingled together. But that's not really what it is. And even if it is, it just sounds way to much like someone carrying a torch for Jerry Garcia.

Coming through all of this, I feel changed. I want to work at this thing Phrank and I have and keep it.

Old stuff, new stuff, moving stuff

The big stuff is on it's way down. I borrowed the Mayor of Steamboat's car to take my furniture down this weekend. Thankfully, I don't have that much basically a bookshelf and bed.

I discovered a nice surprise on my iPod tonight. A little Eric B. & Rakim, which I haven't heard in a long time. I'm a happy little camper about that.

With all of the hecticness lately, I forgot to mention an album that Paradox dropped on me last month. The Go! Team "Thunder, Lightning, Strike". It's a pretty good record with quite a decent amount of genre mashing. It includes cheerleader like chants, what could be '70s cop show themes and just a touch of indie noise. I'd heard a couple of their singles on XMU (satellite radio) and like what I heard. Unfortunately, they are only playing one show in Colorado and it sold out the day tickets went on sale (opening for Ween). Anyway, it may take a few listens but it is definitely worth it.

I'm slowly getting through my goodbyes as the day that I'm gone gets closer. It seems I may end up missing a few people and not get to say it to them. I'm not so sure if that's a bad thing. Enough people know that I'm leaving and the ones that I really care about know and are ready for it. If I had my druthers I'd just kind of sneak out of town and not really say anything. It's not like I'm going that far away or anything. But Steamboat have a bad habit of not visiting if you move out of the valley. I think they just don't like leaving or something.

The fog coming into the mountains

I can get myself easily confused it seems. For the past week I thought that after this weekend I'd only have two more weeks before I moved for good. Today I realized I still have three more to go. Which is a relief because there is a lot of stuff left to do.

We've been in the new place for a couple of weeks now. Well technically Phrank is there by herself except for weekends. She has done a really good job of making a nice home for us.

Among the things I have left to do is write my resignation letter from Steamboat. After over a decade of living here I think something like that is in order. I still haven't pieced it completely together. Like a lot of things it consists of fragments in my brain. I still haven't decided just what direction I want to take with it. I think I'll probably end up with a bit of a balance.

There are things about this place that make it easy to leave. At this point other than a handful of friends, there isn't that much I'll miss about it. It's not like I own a home here (or could ever afford to). Sure it's a beautiful place but there are lots of beautiful places in this world. I think one of the things I will not miss is the attitude that somehow Steamboat has a monopoly on beauty. The truth is that in ten years or so this town is just going to be like every other cookie cutter town in the US.

On the other hand, I'm sure I will miss it but like everything else it will fade. And knowing me, rather quickly.

Now I have a whole different part of the state to explore.

Six things (via Myspace)

I generally don't respond to this kind of thing but I think this time I will. My longtime buddy JR hit me with some "6 things blog tag" game over on myspace. So I decide to answer it here instead. In any case here are "6 weird habits/things about you". Although I imagine most of you may know them.

1. I drive almost 500 miles practically every weekend to see my girlfriend and the drive rarely bothers me. The only things that get to me about the drive are deer, traffic and weather. Go figure.

2. In addition to smoking I have other nervous habits mostly relating to my finger and toe nails. I pick them down as far as I can. And in the case of my fingernails I rub them on my lips after I've picked them to feel the rough edges. Not only that but I try to split the nail into layers so I can peel or rip off a top layer of nail and yet leave the nail intact.

3. I'm generally a patient person but in certain situations I can be a real asshole. Like traffic. Traffic drives me crazy, I try not to tailgate but I think I do anyway and I'm always trying to pass people. In addition to traffic, longwinded phone calls at work try my patience immensely. People who call and keep me on the phone asking inane questions or expecting me to provide tech support (keep in mind this is work only) makes me quietly pound whatever surface is nearby.

4. I rarely remember details of books or movies I've read or seen.

5. Wikipedia dominates much of my Internet time. Where else can you learn that there are only two doubly landlocked countries in the world? There are precedents in my life for this. Not that many years ago I kept my dictionary in the bathroom as reading material. I may not be the brightest fellow but I know a lot of words.

6. Despite the evidence, I doubt that people are generally evil. I think that most of us share a certain amount of common decency that we are just afraid to express. In my life I would guess that I've seen more acts of kindness than evil. Of course I realize that there are those out there that are sadistic and enjoy the suffering of others greatly but I do believe that other than laughing at other people falling down most of us do not wish suffering on others.

Surf rock and history

Tonight I started digging back into my music and started looking at Man or Astroman?. Another band that my brother had turned me onto that I sort of obsessed over for a few years. I ended up with most of their albums on vinyl and quite a few 7 inches as well. Periodically I'll check on eBay to see if they are selling for any decent amounts but I doubt if I would really part with them. Man or Astroman? were a great band and live they were even better. They would always have an interesting stage show and who can go wrong with sci-fi surf rock. The only group (other than various local bands) I've seen more than them is the Reverend Horton Heat.

Unfortunately it seems that Man or Astroman? is now on a permanent hiatus. I only was able to listen to the last album a few times before the amp my turntable was running through was taken away. I'm still looking to piece together a stereo, mostly so I can listen to that record.

Occasionally I'll find myself waxing nostalgic. I hoped when I was younger that I wouldn't do it but I suspect it's inevitable. Never do I wish for a return to the past, I'm quite content with the present and look forward to the future. But there is a fondness for the earlier times in my life. The good thing is I still have most of the sound track for those times (well the last fifteen years or so). And if I put on some of that music, I can remember those times.

Perhaps the fact that soon I'll be leaving what's been my home for the last eleven years or so is helping to trigger some of this. As excited as I am to leave and go start a new chapter of my life with Phrank, I'll still miss this place. And I'll look back on this place with fondness. On the other hand, living here hasn't always been the happiest experience. There was a lot of loneliness (some of which was self-imposed) and heartbreak. I also have this nagging suspicion that I kind of wasted my twenties by living here and am just now starting out again.

Whatever, it's all lessons I guess and I'm sure there I'll take from the last eleven years that can come in handy. Or at least I sure hope so.

The roads suck but it's worth it

Yeah, well everytime I went to write something last week Blogger wouldn't let me in. So it wasn't entirely laziness on my part.

The upcoming move is getting much closer and it's finally starting to hit me just how soon it is. Thoughts of putting things that aren't already in boxes from the last move are starting to swirl in my head. Thankfully, I never really unpacked from the last move other than clothes and entertainment (books, games and movies). Most of it will probably stay in boxes. Although at least now there will be some closet space for me use instead of the floor.

It could appear to some people that this thing with Phrank and I is moving very fast. The thing is, it feels like it's moving at the speed it should be moving. I realize that a rather vague assessment of the situation but I've never been that good at putting my feelings into words (yeah, yeah, it's one of those things I need to work on). The thing is, previous to her I would have never considered moving in with any of the women I dated before. And I'm quite sure I would rather be in the same room talking to her instead of sitting in my car in the Walmart parking lot on the phone (the reception is better there and there is more privacy). Of course there are brief moments where I have apprehensions about cohabitating, mostly because my living situations have never really been with someone I love (well there is that platonic love I have for current and past roommates but that's totally different).

Thankfully, those apprehensions are few and far between. I'm not worried about this upcoming domesticallity (is that a word?). Even with the drastic change from our current situation from every weekend to every day, we've got a strong enough foundation that we will be able to work out what ever bumps some along.

To this day I'm still blown away by the fact that in this crazy world, Phrank and I were able to find each other. She still amazes me. And I am one lucky guy to have her.

The Future is Now (to borrow a slogan)!

Perhaps I should keep up on this some more. Ever since I released myself from nightly postings, I've pretty much slacked on this here blog. But tonight I've had a couple of whiskeys and I don't even know what randomness is in store.

I've been delving back into my sci-fi roots lately. At some point in my early years I devoured juvenile science fiction. My guess is that sci-fi takes place in worlds that don't exist was the perfect escapism for a kid like me. To this day I enjoy stories that take place in worlds that are not of the one we inhabit. Whether those worlds are just slightly off from this one or completely alien doesn't matter. Even music that has a sci-fi bent intrigues me, which would explain my Man or Astroman? collection. There probably are some psychological reasons for why I was attracted to sci-fi in the first place. It did offer me a world that was beyond the reality I was experiencing as a kid. And it's pretty easy for a kid to imagine that he is some kind of Han Solo like hero when the world around him has turned to utter shit (and Han Solo knew what it was like to be in the shit which is why he will always be cooler than Luke Skywalker (the Force, my ass)).

Strangely I never really got into the sword and sorcery type fantasy as a youth. I chalk most of that of it up to my parents declaring at some point that Dungeons & Dragons was of the devil and I was forbidden to play it. Which now I sort of thank them (although I suspect I would be a bit more imaginative but that's neither here or there). I did however read the monster books and created characters that I'd never be able to play.

In the long run I suspect that this love of sci-fi tempered the cynicsm that I should have truly inherited. Even in the most dystopian of sci-fi stories there is some element of hope for us puny humans. I still cling to the idea that sometime in the future (which I most likely won't be around for) humanity will come to it's senses and join the universe.

You get what you pay for...

I've found myself getting annoyed with the customers again. Once again it's only certain kinds of customers. Now I realize that, yes I do work in customer service and I'm supposed to deal with these people. But increasingly there is a type that has been coming around a lot lately. The kind that want a really, really well designed product yet do not want to pay the price of a well designed product. There is some truth to the maxim "you get what you pay for".

Where I work we charge by the hour for design. We call it computer time and bill it in fifteen minute increments. We have one customer in particular that seems to have a serious problem with this. So much so that there is a standing order that she has to sign for pricing before we even touch a job of hers. At some point last week she waddled in (and everyone scurried, leaving me stuck with her) with scraps of newspaper that she wanted us to do something with. But she didn't want to pay much. Truth be told she probably didn't want to pay at all. So we did what she asked in the amount of time she wanted us to spend on it. It looked horrible. Really bad. But she still didn't want to pay us to make it look better which we could have done for just some more time and money.

The moral? There really isn't one. Other than some people need to realize that computers aren't magical and it does take time to create a decent product. And money.

Home

Well it's official. Phrank and I are going to move in together. We've already broken the news to the respective parents that would try to talk us out of it so that's out of the way. The Hutch and the Sarita on my side are cool with it and that's the only familial approval I'd want.

What apprehensions I had about getting a place together have faded. There's going to be a lot of newness for me in this but I'm not worried about it. Yeah, for all practical purposes this is my first time doing this. Or at least my first time in adulthood. The last time I was barely in my twenties and under the influence of way too many psychedelics. But I'm pretty excited about the prospect of having a home with Phrank.

I keep discovering things about Phrank that still amaze me. She is a domestic goddess for one. In a way I had an inkling of this from the very first night we met in person, when she made me take off my hoodie so she could sew the sleeves for me. But it turns out she's an awesome cook among her other qualities. After living like a bachelor for so many years, I've forgotten for the most part what a home cooked meal is like and her's are pretty damned good. And that's just the surface.

So I'm plunging full on into this and I like every bit of it.

He's a Muncie boy...

Apparently the city that led to my moral downfall is quickly making the rounds of the Internet. Muncie, Indiana has achieved some amount of fame in the past, in sociological circles it was the site of the Middletown studies. The university located in Muncie, Ball State University (yes, I've heard them all) is the alma mater of David Letterman to name one.

As much as Muncie is a den of hedonism and (most likely) debauchery, in the last week it has achieved Internet notoriety as a sleepy Midwestern town. Which it is. Lazy Muncie which is the middle coast response to a pseudo East/West Coast white boy rap feud (starting with the Chronic of Narnia via SNL, all which are linked on the Lazy Muncie site), shows Muncie for what it is. Except for the BSU craziness.

The truth is, I haven't stepped foot in Muncie in close to a decade but I doubt it's changed that much. When I was there it was a dying Midwestern factory town. A city that is part of what is referred to as the Rust Belt. By the time I got to that town there were at least three abandoned high schools and many abandoned factories to scurry around in (as long as you avoided the cops, which we did). But it appears that Muncie is still hanging on as strong as it can. Good for Muncie. Personally, I'd never live there again but there are plenty of good people that call it home and it does still hold a special spot in my heart.

Check the video if you have high speed.

Living space...

My relationship with Phrank is ever evolving. This is a good thing, as if it were to stay the same would just be stagnation.

As many of you know (this isn't a current events blog or anything), I've been planning on moving down to her town in the spring (June to be precise). When I first announced my intention, there was a discussion about how cohabitation was out of the question. I was ok with this as other than roommates, I haven't lived with a woman in close to fifteen years. Since then I've lived as a single guy with roommates. Yeah, previous girlfriends and I spent almost every night together but I always had a home to go back to if needed (or vice versa).

Within the last week or so however, the question of sharing a place has arisen. At first I was a bit flustered as I thought it was verboten and wasn't really prepared to even consider it (even though I brought it on myself but I'll save that for later) when it came up. Shortly after, I wasn't so sure.

Here's the thing, I'm 99.99% sure that Phrank is the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with. And yeah, it's a bit scary to know this but I do. It's scary because I know without question and being so sure of something like this is rather daunting and new to be quite honest. The fact that we're just a couple of months into it makes it just this side of irrational as well.

So now we're in the stage of weighing the pros and cons of living together. Pragmatically it makes a lot of sense to just go ahead and do it. But there is all of this other stuff. The things that can't be known until it happens. The strains on our relationship. On top of that, I'll have my own set of stresses of moving to a new town and trying to carve out a new place for myself.

All of these questions and yet there are no simple answers. It would be so much easier if there were simple answers. And yet I don't mind because this is growth and that's a good thing.

New band of the week

For the past two weeks or so my new favorite band has been Clap Your Hands Say Yeah, once again proving just how not up to date I am on current music as their album came out last year sometime. It's hard to say exactly why I'm so enthralled by them, it could be the referential aspects (tuning in everything from the Talking Heads to Modest Mouse), the toy piano intro on "Details of the War" or perhaps the mostly upbeat vibe off the album. Yeah, it's probably emo but I like emo and I'm not going to deny it. At least they're not talking about how miserable they are since she left. Lyrically (as far as I can tell) the songs are as abstract as anything else out there. Of course, many times I put myself in the camp that lyrics can be rather secondary. It's not that they (lyrics) are unimportant but they are as just as much an element of a song as the guitar or organ. No matter what this band has created a wonderfully beautiful album that is worth checking out. It's not very often that you'll find something like this.

Slipping on myself

Needless to say I've been spending as much time with Phrank as I can. I took an extra day off and went down for her birthday. According to her, I did pretty good with the birthday gifts. Which is good, I was really hoping she would like them.

Without going into to details, she and I had been in a bit of a funk for a spell. A large part of the cause of this is I'm just too passive for my own good. I've known about this for awhile but had kind of forgotten as it had been so long since I had to confront it. The path of least resistance has always been my choice which is actually not a good choice. I know exactly where it comes from and it's a tough reality that I need to change it. On of my fears is other people's reaction when I have to confront them on something, in that I always assume there will be a horrible reaction. Growing up seeing that kind of behavior in my home pretty much made passivity my defense mechanism along with one or two others. What I fail to realize is that most people are not going to react violently when challenged about something.

This is just one of the things I have to work on. The downside is that many times it takes someone else to point things out to me before I recognize them. I do know that I have a tendency to run my mouth (and fingers) and have not always learned my lesson when called out on it. I forget that words can hurt or at least allow unfair conclusions to be drawn.

I try when made aware of something, to work on it but it can be a slow process. I can be stubborn and changing myself is something that I need to be aware of on a daily basis. I'm not always aware of it on a daily basis. I slip sometimes. But I get up and try again.

Questions...

Apparently I can't stay away from doing this. Perhaps it's the force of habit. Perhaps it's the fact that this is the closest thing I have to keeping a journal. But once again I'm drawn to typing little characters out onto the screen of my hopelessly outdated computer.

Over the last few years, I've been trying to figure out where it is that I come from. Obviously I came from Indiana and I seem to be quite fine with that (I did get an Indiana themed tattoo, that must mean something). But I wonder how the hell I became what I have become so far. Where did I pick up the lessons and values that I have now? I'll acknowledge that some of my core values, like trying to stay honest, came from my folks and eighteen years of attending church (yes, for an agnostic the fear of god is still strong in this one). But I'm not sure where I picked up the other stuff. Not that I'm good at it but I think we should try to be nice to each other. Or that there are certain basic needs that everyone should probably be afforded. Shelter and health care being among them. And a certain level of dignity (although there are times when I see people who to me just seem not to deserve it). And I don't know exactly where these ideas come from. I presume it's from writers that I've read over the years and there are those that will just say I'm a victim of the So Called Liberal Media but I don't think so. Perhaps it comes from years of trying to stay on the outskirts of mainstream society even though I am just as much a part of it as anyone else.

I'm not sure exactly where I come from and that sort of bothers me. It'd me nice if I had a firmer grasp on it. But then again how important is it really to know where you are from as long as you have an idea of who you are?

Winter driving, gifts and a bit of a hiatus

Sometimes winter driving in Colorado is not for the faint of heart. Due to horrible road conditions and other people driving dangerously too slow (15 mph) my drive down to see Phrank took an hour more than usual. I'd have to say it was the worst conditions I've experienced on the drive yet. And of course about thirty miles before Denver, the roads were completely dry. Good thing the Surly Mayfly is such an awesome car, the tires help quite a bit as well. Coming back had it's own moments of treacherous driving as Rabbit Ears Pass was closed and a detour was in place over Gore Pass. After getting home I had to go directly to the car was as the Surly Mayfly was covered in an icy brown film. Joy.

Phrank's birthday is coming up this week. I've already picked up a few things but there was this one thing I wanted to do. Tonight I discovered I was foiled by lack of materials. So now I must implement plan B. I can't go into to much detail as she is probably reading this. My hope is that she likes what I get her but I'm limited in that I haven't known her that long to really get her tastes down. There are some things about her that are a given and she may not know it but she does drop what I take as hints.

I've never considered myself to be very good at getting gifts for people. My family can attest to this. Hell, there was a period of about six years where I didn't get them anything for Christmas. Part of this was that I was always dead broke and wanted nothing to do with the holidays to boot. Generally I'm not to good about taking hints for gifts or otherwise. I am one of those people that needs things spelled out for me, especially when it comes to gift giving. It surprises me that I even get a sense of a hint at times. Imagine that.

Now for a bit of business, kids. As it may already be apparent, I haven't been updating this on a daily basis. This is probably going to continue as I seem to have hit a wall on what to write about. I don't have customers to really bitch about anymore. And I have no reason to complain about my (lack of) love life. So until I can find a new focus, I'm not going to try and force myself to write something every night. Of course I'll still update a few times a week when the mood hits me but I'm done trying to do this daily for the time being. So there it is.

Ready for it...

I never thought I'd hear myself say it but I'm beginning to look increasingly forward to summer. Admittedly a large part of it is anticipation about moving away from here, starting anew and living much closer to Phrank. And it's only February. Of course I still enjoy the winter but for once I'm just ready to move past it.

Not only that but I wonder what kind of customers I'm going to have to deal with in the next place. Over the past two weeks our network at work crashed and we haven't been able to access many of our customers files. This can be rather annoying when dealing a customer who believes they need something we are supposed to have, right now. Let this be a lesson to everyone, if any company creates a digital file for you, make sure you keep a copy of it for yourself. For me I store files not only on my own hardrive but online as well. Of course none of that is the sensitive stuff (like I have sensitive stuff). I wonder if that's the kind of thing I'll have to deal with in the next job.

As of now, I haven't been able to get a good feel on the people that live where I'm moving to. It's far bigger than anywhere I've lived in the last fifteen years. In towns that size there will be all types. Some change this is going to be. But I have been bitching and moaning for a while now about how I want to live in a city and that's where I'm going.

Bring on the spring.

Not the early bird...no worms either

So I have a confession. I haven't been getting up on the mountain much at all. The strange thing about this is it doesn't bother me that much. Of course, it'd be nice if I'd go a bit more and if my situation were different, I'd probably be really irritated by this but I'm not. Part of it is that as hard as I try, I'm just not an early riser. It can take a good hour sometimes to rise from the chair I drop into after getting out of bed. The coffee needs time to work it's way through my system for me to function again.

I've never been an good early riser. Even back in high school getting to school was a challenge. And this was before I discovered coffee. When I got to college I intentionally tried to schedule my classes so I would have to awake too early (fat lot of good that did). Futhermore, with the exception of a couple of jobs, I've never had to get to work that early in the morning.

There are folk beliefs out there that say that the time you rise is based upon what time of day you were born. If that's the case then this all makes sense. As far as I know I was born sometime in the afternoon around two o'clock. I do seem to function better after noon.

Although I'd imagine most of us would rather sleep later than we can. Not that many months ago, I wouldn't get out of bed before ten. To this day I'd still do that if I could but I can't.

And on that note, I should go to bed. I'm still thinking about hitting the hill tomorrow.

This is the time I should go to bed.

Today I sat down and talked to my boss about my impending move. Even though it's a long tome off I figured it would be good to give her a heads up. Plus to see if she would be willing to speak for me in an attempted to work for the same company down there. As it stands, I could probably stay with the same company, the store I work in is has the highest sales of any in the company. So that's a plus.

As I said it's still a long way off it doesn't hurt to start putting out feelers. Other than certain customers and types of customers, I generally like my job (although I do hate answering the phone but I've always been like that). I find it fairly rewarding and the pay is good. It seems I've actually learned a few things working there. I'm not sure how those lessons will pay off but I'm sure they will.

So when I'm down there on a weekday in a couple of weeks, I guess I should make my presence and intentions known. It be cool if I could have something lined up months ahead of time.

A few things...I've been out

new tattoo
Originally uploaded by surly monkey.

I realize I haven't put anything up here in a fairly long time. Oops. It's been a bit busy here in my little world. Plus, I think I've been running out of ideas here lately.

That right there is my new tattoo or to be more precise a cover up of my old one. That alien needed to go as it was pretty washed out anyway. It's pretty new and is just now starting to itch but at least this time it didn't all bleed out in the first twelve hours. Phrank got me started on a good routine to take care of it this weekend. Of course, her metheod is to point to the bathroom and say go wash and mosturize it. Hey, it works.

Of course I'm a pansy and passed out after a few minutes into getting it done. It seems when anything involving needles and that leg in particular, I pass out. I remember early in high school, I was hit in that shin with a skateboard. When they went to stitch me up I wanted to watch and ended up passing out then too. Same with the first tattoo on that leg. But when I got stitches by my eyebrow I didn't pass out. I'm going to have to get one done in a different location and see if it happens again.

Another bout...

My pale attempt to go to bed early was defeated by an overactive brain. Mine to be precise. I haven't had a bout of insomnia in a long time so it kind of took me by surprise. When it does happen there is nothing I can do about it, generally I get up and sit in front of the computer or in last nights case read some of the book I've been working on. If I lay there, the thoughts just keep running through my head and I can't stop them. While laying there, my mind will consider every possible permutation of the future, past and present it can come up with. What's even worse is that it's aspects that I've never considered at other times. Or things memories from the past that I didn't remember until that night.

For a long time I drank almost every night to keep the insomnia away. At some point, I realized I generally didn't need to do that and stopped. Most nights I sleep fine. But every once in a while it hits again. And invariably, it's a night before I have to wake up very early for me. Actually it's been that way for a long time. I think it could be the anticipation of having to wake up at such an ungodly hour (for me). I've never been a could early riser. To be able to function at work, I need to be up for two hours before I go in. Of course at the gas station, I could roll out of bed, shower and just go. Keep in mind there was an unlimited amount of coffee to drink and a Denver Post to read.

Anytime a night like that happens to me I get a bit concerned it could be just the first of many sleepless nights coming on. Admittedly, it's a rather irrational fear but a real one nonetheless. But there have been weeks to months on end where I've managed to get just a few hours of sleep a night if that. And one night of it always makes me wonder what's next. Having said that, as exhausted as I feel, I imagine that I'll sleep pretty well tonight.

Night off

I'm going to bed. Here's something that'll put you to sleep.

Thinking about leaving and it's too damn cold here anyway

So I'm beginning to prepare for the upcoming move. As I'm still not sure exactly when I'm going to actually move, it's still a matter of putting feelers out there and see what is available concerning living arrangements and employment. It seems that rents down there are far cheaper than here. I've yet to see a one bedroom apartment going for much more than what I'm paying for my room here. Employment seems to be all over the map. In that world, I'm not exactly sure what I'm qualified for and I'll just have to pound the pavement when I get there.

Historically, I've never really had that hard of a time finding work that provided me with enough money to survive on. It'd be nice to find something that pays a little more than that. That's the one thing about leaving here, after ten years in this town I've found something that I'm actually able to have a bit left over after the bills are paid. But that's ok, I've wanted to leave here for a long time and now I know where I want to go.

If I knew the definition of irony, I'd say my destination is a bit ironic as at one point I sort of swore I'd never step foot in that town and now I'm planning on moving there. Never say never, I guess. Of course, the more time I spend there, I realize that my first impression eight or how may ever years ago was totally biased and I wasn't even ready to think about leaving Steamboat then. Now I can't wait to get out.

That's not to say I won't miss this place and the people I call my friends. Those that I consider my friends I will sorely miss. And I'll miss the view. This place is always going to be here and some of those people will always be here as well. As long as I'm still close, I can always come back up.

The more I think about leaving here, the more excited I get. I'll be closer to Phrank, there are places that never close and I'll be much closer to Denver so I can go see more shows and other stuff. And for the first time in a long time, I'll be where barely anyone knows me. That's kind of neat in a way.

Shutdown

As much I like to think that I've improved the way I deal with the world around me, sometimes it becomes apparent that I still have a lot of work left. Admittedly, we are all works in progress and each of us have things to make better about ourselves. Today I discovered I still have something to work on that I thought was behind me.

At times when I'm confronted with a flood of emotions or thoughts, my brain just shuts down and I can't verbalize what's going on in my head. And instead of just saying that is what is going on, I'll pretend that there is nothing wrong. When in fact, my face will betray the opposite. I'd like to think that I'm rational and emotions don't affect me but the truth is I'm just as human as the next person. I just have a hard time identifying what it is that I'm feeling that shuts me down. Surely, this shutdown is a survival mechanism, something I picked up most likely as a child that provided some sort of refuge at the time. Seemingly, I didn't completely out grow it.

What's even more disturbing to me is that I don't even realize what's happening until afterwards. After that portion of my brain starts to function again it dawns on me that I have just gone through a shutdown. Although, before I would never even realize that much. I'd just be left to wonder why the person I would be around was so irritated with me and what it was that I had done. At least now I can recognize what happened. Which is a start of sorts, I guess.

As to how to work on this, I'm not sure how to go about it. It doesn't happen that often now (which I guess is some progress) but when it does, it sucks. There is a way I'm sure of working it out. Maybe pen and paper (or ones and zeros) would help.

Friends, everybody's got them...Part 2

As much as I can be a bad friend, I've been blessed with friends who understand or are at least used to my flakiness. Which is good because I am if nothing else a flake at times. Luckily, the large majority of my longterm friends aren't beholden to the darkside like I wrote about last night.

Over the years, I've had the advantage of making friends with people who challenge and inspire me. There are quite a few that I couldn't imagine going through life without knowing. These people have influenced the way I look and listen to the world around me. They've exposed me to things (music, literature, art, etc.) that I would have never found on my own. Our conversations, whether it be the state of the world or deconstructing episodes of The Simpson's have almost always been interesting to say the least. These are the friends that make me look at myself and wonder what am I doing with myself. Yeah, they may be working mundane jobs like the rest of us but there's stuff they're doing when they aren't working that just blows me away. The ones that I want to see or hear the finished product of their labors when it's done.

These are the one's that have kept me on track over the years. They're the ones that never let me go fully to the darkside. The ones that didn't let the crazies and fakers come between us. These people are the ones who, in my darkest hours sat next to me and reminded me that this was the worst it would get and things would get better. And things did get better. Quickly, sometimes.

I'm grateful for these people that I call my friends. I wouldn't be who I am without them. Hell, I might not even be here without them.

Friends, everybody's got them...

Sometimes I can be a bad friend. The skills of keeping in touch have eluded me over the years. So when I hear from someone I haven't talked to in a while, I'm a bit surprised. The thing about it is, with most people we can pick up where we left off. Most of the time that is. There are those few that it seems that something has changed. Whether it's me or them, I'm not sure. I suspect much of the time it's me as I feel I'm not completely the same person I was even five years ago.

Yes, this husk of a body is the same, older but the same one. But my outlook and attitude are different now or at least it seems that way to me. The darkside that used to be everpresent has shifted to the background. After I learned that it was a choice, I chose not focus on the dark stuff as much. It's still there and I still find myself struggling with it occasionally but nowhere to the extent as before.

The thing is, there are still those from the past who are still thriving on that darkside. And at the time we connected it was based on commiseration with that side. Now however it's hard for me to hang with it. I don't really want to encourage the rising of the darkside in my own life. Acknowledging it is one thing, returning to it is something completely different. I have no desire to go back to those days. As far as I'm concerned they are behind me, I don't have to live like that anymore.

I'm torn. I know that to be a good friend you are supposed to stick with people through good and bad. But if there is never any good in their lives, I wonder if it's still worth it. If the darkside is all they can live for, what's one to do? I can't in good conscience encourage it. I know what kind of damage it causes and over the years I've been shown that there is a way out of it.

That's not to say I'm not a cynic. There are plenty of days I'm surprised I lived this long, surviving a death that was not of my own hand. Hell, when I was a kid I thought the world would end in a nuclear holocaust before I was 25. I'm still surprised sometimes that never happened. But that's just cynicism and there is a difference a cynic and a pessimist.

Nothing about something

alex
Originally uploaded by surly monkey.

One thing that doesn't happen often at work are the strange headscratching moments. Back at the gas station moments like that weren't that uncommen. Strange stories would unfold in front of me at times. I think it happened for the first time at copy shop. As a couple was leaving, one of our regulars passed them by on the way in. She asked us who they were and then proceeded to tell us something odd. Apparantly the women had disappeared from her family in Park City six years ago. The family had never heard from her since. And she had left them with the guy she was with. Strange.

That was the kind of strangeness that would happen at the gas station. There was a day that some mother and daughter got in a fight and the mother decided to walk back to Oak Creek. It seems that the woman would have been rather damaged by this walk perhaps fatally. Thankfully there was sheriff's deputy there that went out and pick the woman up. A year later the daughter called me an asshole because she couldn't use a credit card for lottery tickets. Sweet!

I'm destined to either have or witness odd encounters. And that's ok with me.

Freemasons run the country

As much as I'd like to think that I got over my paranoia at some point it just isn't true. I still find it conspiracy theories intriguing and entertaining. Any mention of the Freemasons, Illuminati or associated groups and symbols instantly turns my head. Admittedly, I've let go of the idea that I was being watched and targeted. There is still a sense that we are all being monitored, which in this day and age is seemingly plausible. The difference now is I don't allow myself to indulge in those speculations like I did. I live a rather mundane life. If there are actually are people watching me I hope they brought a pillow, because they need more sleep than me.

The thing about conspiracy theories is that they can map out the levels of certain powers above us mere citizens. Coming to the understanding that there is an immense, hidden plot that targets all of humanity (or at least the US) is strangely reassuring to one who is paranoid. Or at least makes sense. It helps explain why the world can seem so fucked up. It can seem to absolve one of responsibility for those around them because in this prism, everyone is screwed eventually.

Even to this day, I find cues that can lead me down the road to make ties to this overworld I was obsessed with for way too long. In the back of my head I still carry the strong suspicion that there are those that are pulling strings behind the faces of power. But there is not a damned thing I could do about it anyway.

I'm sure those years spent in the depths of believing that dark forces were right behind me was supposed to teach me some kind of lesson. What this lesson was supposed to be, I'm not sure. Maybe looking at the big picture is not always the best way to look at the world. Sometimes the picture can get just too big. I'm not sure. Perhaps, the lessons I learned are subtle enough that I can't name them.

Off weekend spent at work...

This was the first weekend in four weeks that I have spent the entire weekend here in Steamboat. Thankfully, I had to work (I can't believe I just wrote that) both days. But it kept my mind off where I would rather have been.

Of course work was relatively slow and I'm glad because I'm still fighting this freaking cold thing. I think the whole town is sick. Almost everyone I run into has the sniffles or sneezes. Thanks to all of the out of town visitors that brought their infections with them. I've never noticed the pattern before but after the holidays it seems this entire town comes down with a cold of sorts. My only hope is that with all the various virii that are floating around here, it helps boost our collective immune systems. Here's to hope.

And of course it's snowing off and on tonight which makes me really want to go up on the hill tomorrow. I know I should just stay in bed and try to fight this but the call is very strong. I'm just going to call the report and give myself an inch of new threshold (of course, I haven't decided on what the threshold is going to be).

Being the first weekend not spent with Phrank, I think I did ok on the whole not being horribly mopey thing. This is not to say that I didn't miss being with her. Far from it. But between being sick, working and performing my duty as designated driver I was able to not dwell on it as much as I would have if those distractions weren't there. But I missed her head nestled on that one spot on my shoulder among other things.

Quick retrieval

Thank you. You, the complete and utter stranger that turned in my missing iPod on Friday. I'm not sure where you found it but I have an idea or two. All I know is that when I got home from the mountain and it wasn't in my pocket. I hope whatever you lost turned up.

That little episode help restore a bit of my faith in humanity. I like to think I'd do the same thing. Actually I know I would. Five dollars on the side of the road is one thing but something like that needs to find it's owner. That's just how it should work. Apparently the person who found it felt the same way. I'm gratified to know that there are good people out there.

Either that or my music was just something they didn't want.

Time to watch Akira

After being cooped up in this trailer for two days, I think I'm starting to go a bit stir crazy. My balance is off, I keep coming close to falling down on the floor (and not on purpose this time). I feel healthy enough that I'm going to have to get out tomorrow. Plus it's my Sunday.

Phrank has been extra good to me in the last couple of days. Even though she's 220 miles away she's been calling and checking up on me, giving me cold remedies and making me rest. Actually, she ordered me to stay in bed on the first day of this sickness. I can only imagine what it would be like if I lived within five miles. The thing is, in all the other relationships I've had, no one else has ever given a rat's ass that I was sick. And all of these girls were in the same town as me (if not the same house). The fact that she's shown more concern about my wellbeing from so far away just makes me feel that much luckier to have her.

Just a little over a month ago, I would have never guessed that I'd feel this way about someone. Maybe there was a slight inkling there due to the emails back and forth but I really don't think so. I'd have never imagined that after all of my recent failed attempts at dating that it could be this good.

Phrank digs the fact that I'm a geek. My geek light can shine bright around her, she may call me a dork or a geek but I know that it is a term of endearment coming from her. Not only that but she's just as bad as I am. She is the first woman I've ever been with that actually enjoys hanging out in an arcade playing video games and skeeball. Her knowledge and analysis of Star Trek TNG astounds me. I'm glad it's fictional because she would leave me for Data in a New York minute.

There is very little that we could say to each other that would offend. Being that we are both sarcastic and smartasses, there seems to be very little in the way of touchy subjects. I don't need to censor myself with her and she with me. Hell, she probably knows things about me already that no one else even knows.

After all of these years, I've finally got what I deserve and it's a good thing.

Bedrest and Clint

I woke up feeling like utter crap today. Sore throat, fever and associated aches. For the first time in close to five years I took a sick day. Under orders from Phrank, I tried to stay in bed as much as I could. After bed rest, Tylenol and pumping various vitamins and minerals down my throat, I think I'm feeling better. Thankfully I'm scheduled to have the next two days off so I can rest more. I'd guess all the running around and late bedtimes finally caught up with me.

I did finally watch Pale Rider in it's entirety without commercial interruption for the first time ever. I'd forgotten what a great movie it really is. I've always been a fan of the Clint Eastwood westerns I've seen. I'm of the age where there were still a lot of westerns on TV when I was younger, even on broadcast TV. At the time westerns did really catch my eye. Now I suspect it was because they were to black and white (pardon the pun). The Clint Eastwood westerns aren't so cut and dry, there is ambiguities in the characters. The so-called good guys have a dark side in these (and there can be sympathetic villains or at least villains who discover a change of heard). Which I suspect is closer to real life. His last western Unforgiven is a prime example of this. Of course I'm not saying anything new here, this point has been brought up numerous times in the past by people other than myself.

Movies that have that touch of ambiguity to it intrigue me. Personally, I can relate to a tarnished hero or protaganist more than a completely pure character. As much as I like seeing explosions, action movies tend to annoy me some. Mostly because the hero is generally flawless or his flaws consist of neglecting his loved ones. But when the character has internal demons as well as outside forces to battle, well that just makes it more interesting I think.