I'd make a bad spy...

Sometimes I surprise myself. For New Year's Eve, I had this awesome plan to surprise Phrank. As recently as Wednesday I was sure I was going to be staying in Steamboat for the weekend. At the time we had agreed to be on the phone at midnight that night. Then after she hinted to a hope of a John Hughes type New Year's Eve, I devised my plan. I was going to go to the Springs, surprise her at midnight and give her a kiss, four hour drive be damned. It was all worked out, thanks to Google and Google Maps I knew exactly where she would be (or so I thought) at midnight. I'd show up when she went outside to call me and ask her why she was calling when I was standing in front of her.

Alas, when I was trying to pin down where she really would be at midnight, I couldn't get a definite answer. So I had to spill the beans. Needless to say she was surprised, perhaps dismayed (in a good way).

I can't really explain why or how I wanted to do this, other than I want to be there with her to ring in the new year instead of on the phone. It just seemed like a good idea to me, something I wanted to do for her and to see her smile (it just makes me melt). Apparently I'm a goddamned sap. I didn't even know until a month ago.

If I haven't completely fallen, I'm at least halfway to the ground.

The monkey on my back

I'm a junkie. I'm addicted to cigarettes, well nicotine to be precise. This morning I still haven't had my fix and there is a general fuzziness to the day. If I delay it long enough at times there is a bit of a buzz.

I don't like smoking that much, it makes me smell and I spend way too much money on it. Plus, it's killing me faster than life itself. Smoking has a bunch of little rituals associated with it that may be harder to break than the physical addiction. Going outside during a break and having one. There are situations that I tell myself I need one after whatever it is happens. When I drink, I smoke (thankfully, I've cut back on that one). Coffee and a smoke.

Even writing this I had to stop and go have one. And I can feel the changes in my brain. I hadn't had one in almost twelve hours (well I did sleep).

The thing is, if there were a safe way to ingest nicotine, I'd do it. There was the possibility of nicotine enhanced water but the FDA canned it. But I'm to the point where I see smoking for what it is and feel what the damage it is causing me. I'm in the beginning stages of wanting to quit. I've never tried to quit before and after reading up on it, I see I'll need some kind of maintenance program for a while.

I don't know when I'm going to start quitting but I think I need to prepare myself for it. Maybe I should call that number that is always on TV.

sliding up

In less than 48 hours this year will end, just as they do every year around this time. I've always seemed to mark the passing of the year around Halloween. Something about the fall just seems like when the year slides into the next one. I'm sure there were a few cultures that marked it at that time.

I'd make a list of the past year but I'm feeling way to lazy. It was another interesting year to say the least.

I think I'll just look forward to the next one.

Ones and Zeros

Apparently what jadedness and cynicism I had seems to have disappeared. Amazing what a month or two can do for ones outlook. Actually, that's not entirely true as I'm still pretty cynical over the general state of affairs in the outside world. Death and mayhem is still a constant in large parts of this sphere we call home. But the personal cynicism I felt just three months ago has seemingly left. Thanks Phrank, how the hell am I ever going to get in touch with my inner George Carlin now?

Those people were right, the moment I gave up, I suddenly found myself enthralled with someone who seems to be the raddest woman/girl I've ever been with.

I've flipped from a cranky, jaded fellow to a sappy fool. And I like every minute of it.

The idea of trusting someone again is not as daunting as I thought it would be. In fact it seems a lot easier than I remember. Maybe it's the whole Internet thing. I believe that neither one of us ever even considered misrepresenting ourselves before we met. Hell, I'm not sure but I don't think either of us expected this to happen.

So here's to myspace that allowed two people to meet that would have never met in meatspace. And to Phrank, thanks for letting me in.

The ups and downs of Dorkdom

One of the advantages of being a total dork is never having to justify totally dorky behavior. My coworkers expect me to wonder things like who could win a fight between the Hulk and the Thing (Ben Grimm). Or in a battle which would win, a Star Destoryer or the Starship Enterprise? Or why Superman really sucks (he's to damn powerful, what's the fun in that?).

The flipside of this is once people realize you're a dork, they discover they need you. For instance, tonight I went to get some items at the corner store and my sketchy neighbor spotted me. Crap. I hate talking to that guy. He creeps me out and the stuff he says about his wife just makes me wish they would have never reproduced. Anyway, the first thing he ask me is "you know a lot about computers, don't you?" I hate that question. I might know a bit but I am not a hacker by any stretch of the imagination. The one time I cracked a password it was "guest", not a shining hacker moment. My general response (as in this case) is I know a little bit. He proceeds to tell me about a printer he needs hooked up. Double crap. I really don't want to go inside his house. I'll probably be there when the cops show up to bust him on possession of some kind of nasty shit. Those poor, unfortunate kids of his.

In situations like this, I try the dumb and noncommittal card. Usually it works but this guy has been up for days and sees right through it. Dammit. Fuck it, I'll hook up his goddamned printer and take $30 from him. A true geek would charge three times as much. And my friends get this stuff for free.

Crowds, no creamer and where?

Again I am finding myself irritated with our guests in town. I went to the grocery store last night and found hordes of them milling around, blocking the aisle with carts and generally being annoyances. Not only that, all of the half-n-half was gone. Either the store didn't stock enough or there are so many of them that it was all purchased. Or perhaps as Phrank suggested they were all making white Russians. Upon rising out of bed this morning I see that it is cloudy and gray, so there is no reason to brave the crowds on the hill.

I really try not to bitch and moan too much about our guests. None of us would be here in this town if it weren't for them. But there are times when it just seems really overwhelming. Yet another reason my desire to live in a city grows stronger the longer I stay here.

Lately, I've found myself a bit torn on the whole moving to a city thing. I definitely want out of here, it's too small and other than the mountain there isn't much for me to do. But which city is starting to become a quandary. Originally, it was going to be back to the midwest but I find myself wanting to stay in Colorado. I have spent over a decade here after all, it feels like home almost as much as Indiana. It's not like I have to make a decision anytime soon but I am left with things to think about.

Time to go to the salt mine.

Dum Ditty Dum

Today there was a small attack of rude, bumbling idiots. There is this particular company that is the most disorganized group of people I've seen in a long time. And their manners are quite lacking. It amazes me that these people can make any money. The sad thing is, I have this suspicion it's one of those high pressure time share outfits. I sure as hell don't feel sorry for them. On guy tried to show us the pain in his neck. I'm not well trained enough to see it, I guess.

Thankfully most of the people that come in are not like that. Most of the time people are fairly with it when they come in.

It was one of those situation where playing dumb can be quite effective. I've found that if someone is trying to get a better deal, playing dumb keeps me from getting much of a hassle. Sometimes, I'm quite happy to play dumb. And at times, quite good at it.

The day after...and it's snowing again.

Today was a general coming down day. I was so exhausted all day, I thought for sure I was going to pass out on the floor at work. Thanks to a constantly full coffee cup that didn't happen (although I'm beginning to be scared that I've been relying on coffee too much). Between staying up way too late last night and the drive, I'm not surprised too much by this tiredness.

Strangely, the drive back up here seems more draining than the on down to see Phrank. What makes it even stranger is that the drive down is far sketchier, conditions wise. I've seen some horrific accidents on the way down and the road conditions have either been snowy or icy. I'd guess that the anticipation of seeing her makes the drive down better. Whereas the drive back is a reminder of the time that is coming up.

Such is the nature of our relationship for the time being. Two days together followed by at least a week of distance. There are some benefits to the distance. It does help both of us falling into old, bad habits and mistakes. This doesn't change the fact that I miss her.

Phrank has noticed that we have already developed some routines. It's comforting in a way.

Time for this little money to go to bed.

Surly Monkey finds himself under a spell and quite likes it.

Belated Christmas greetings, ya'll. I'm only a couple of hours late.

Christmas was spent with Phrank. The more time I spend with her, the more I really don't want to drive back up here.

I'm more and more taken with her. The term could be smitten, I'm not sure. But I know that when I'm with her I feel that it is a good thing and I'm supposed to be there.

Without gushing too much, she is freakin' cool.

And on that note I'm going to bed.

Happy Festivus!

It's officially Festivus kids! I hope you all have your Festivus poles in place and are ready for all of the excitement that is on tap for today. Don't forget to get the group together for the wonderful festivities. I know I am totally looking forward to the Feats of Strength this year. I bet I could get pinned rather quickly considering I am the 98 pound weakling.

And what is Festivus without the Airing of the Grievances? I'll start. You, Mr. President, you are a freakin' idiot. Actually, you 51% of the voting public are freakin' idiots as well. Starting (unnecessary) wars and spying on your own people, you should be ashamed. And you, the Sony Corporation, as much as I dig my PS2, putting Trojan horses in some of your CDs to protect your precious copywrites (and how well do you pay the artist that created it?). That's just plain bad. Walmart, would it kill you to pay your employees a little bit more and give them health insurance? Locally, Jim Cook, why do you desire so much to tear down the Harbor Hotel? It may be kind of homely but it still has it's charm. City Market, the U-Scan closes way too early, everytime I go in there after 8 pm there is always a line at the one checker you have left, get with it. And for you drunken idiots at the bar who I have to push my way through to get one beer and steal a glass, could you stop spilling your drinks on me and just drink them? She may find you cuter that way. Oh, I could go on but why?

Now, Loyal Readers, it's your turn. Please air all of your grievances in the comments section. And attack me if you must but just be ready for the Feats of Strength!

Happy Festivus...it's for the rest of us!

Corporate Radio Still Sucks

If some of you haven't figured it out yet, I'm a complete and utter cheeseball. I like bad puns, corny jokes and sappy music. Belle and Sebastian rank in my top ten bands, along with Weezer. I like catchy, cheesy love/like songs, I can't help it. Plus both of those bands just know how to write catchy, poppy hooks and I am a total sucker for a good hook. Could I use the word catchy one more time please.

I think that's part of the reason I don't listen to the radio that much, not enough cheesiness. That and the radio stations up here totally blow giant chunks. The one station KIDN, was just starting to get better and then they changed it to the stupid Jack format. Such is life. I didn't really listen to local radio other than KUNC(the NPR station) anyway. It's better for me to just listen to the stuff I have anyway.

I've found that Internet radio is the only thing that really catches my interest. SomaFM seems to have a few good stations. I've picked up some albums from bands I've heard off it as well as some downloads (legal, mind you).

I find it unfortunate that the airwaves have become so homogenized. It seems there was a time not that long ago that this wasn't the case. Either that or I'm just getting too old.

Doors

Lately I haven't been feeling as lonely like I had been. A large part of this is due to Miss Phrank. But I'm left to wonder how much of it was self-inflicted. Was the fact that I had pretty much given up helping cause some of it? Or was I just lonely? Now I feel it but it's a whole different kind of loneliness. I'm hesitant to even call it that now.

One thing about this thing with Phrank is that I will always be leaving. Unfortunately, I have to work still so I'll have go home.

I don't like leaving and I'm not used to playing that role but at least I plan on going back. Most times I'm the one who gets left behind. And many of those cases I'm left behind for good. Getting left is not fun. It can shake your faith in people, it can make you not want to connect to others. In addition to things that I needed to do for myself, I've recently (tonight) realized that being left behind was probably one reason I stayed out of the game for so long. The last time it happened it damned near crushed me.

There are all kinds of ways to be lonely in this world. Some by circumstance, some by choice or a combination thereof. Not to say that being by oneself is a bad thing. But there comes a point when the desire for companionship is overwhelming. At that point one has to take a chance, crawl out of the hole and let someone else in.

What do I know?

White Christmas or why I'm ready to leave again

Everytime I go outside, I can't believe just how much snow is out there. I haven't seen it like this in years. Hell, I've never seen this much snow this time of year. The temperature finally broke today, it was damn warm. The snow is quickly turning to slush. I'd like to say that I know what it's like on the mountain but I haven't been up in days. I find that this is the week I usually skip, due to the crowds. It's just kind of pointless, like driving in Denver. And it will totally mellow out next week.

Making it through this week is key, I can't let the people get to me (who am I kidding they already have). But I get to spend Christmas with Phrank and that's freaking cool. For the first time in years I don't have to work over Christmas and I get to spend it with someone who I'm really into. Lucky me!

One of the few people in this town who just really get under my skin came in today. She's one of those people who seems to have money but it's just because her mother married into it. And yet she sort of flaunts it. But that's not completely why she grates on me. Part of it may be what I've seen of her outside of work. She talks way too much about things that aren't a part of any conversation. And the stupid Santa hat and Gucci sunglasses on a cloudy day may have something to do with it too. Or perhaps I'm just a shallow ass.

What do I care? I'm just ready for Friday to get here.

Service Industry Kill Christmas

Sometimes I think a decade in the service industry has sapped any excitement I had over Christmas. Today was the craziest day I've seen at work. Packages stacked halfway to the balcony in the back room. Hordes of people, milling around, cutting in line and begging for help while the counter was three people deep. A lovely Monday.

Town is no longer soley ours. The guest have arrived in full force. I saw it coming as I was driving to the Front Range on Friday. Thankfully at the new place I rarely have to deal with them. Although I kind of miss the entertainment factor of the gas station. There was much more of a chance for a smartassed remark there. Especially during silly question time. I have heard the "when do deer turn to elk" question. The answer is sometime around September 20th. And the elevation is 8200 feet.

I always forget about how many people come here when they aren't here. Go figure.

Four more days. Or three.

Infatuation or Surly Monkey may have finally met his match

As I pulled out of Phrank's parking lot, there were a lot of things stirring around in my little brain. A large chunk of it was a sense of happiness almost to the point of giddiness, I'm still floating. There was a of sadness because I won't get to see her for three weeks. But in just three weeks I get to see her again!

That this amazing woman has come into my life is nothing less than a blessing. Her strengths (some that she may not even know about) astound me. The fact that she acknowledges, embraces and continues to work on her shortcomings inspires me. With her I know exactly where I stand as she holds nothing back. The fact that she's an even bigger geek than me in some realms makes her that much more attractive.

She was worried that I would run away screaming, the only running I want to do is run to her (cue Bryan Adams).

I'm amazed at just how comfortable we were together, it was reassuring.

Of all the weekends I've had in my years, this was definitely one of the best to date.

Surly Monkey ain't feeling as surly.

Worthy four hour drives...

What can I say? This weekend (not quite over) has been amazing. The nervousness I expected to have never showed up. There was a moment of butterflies right before I left Steamboat but I chalk that up to too much coffee.

Phrank (that is her pseudonym) turned out to be even better in person. I suspected this would be the case, despite her warnings of abrasiveness and repellant personality. Her being herself has been nice. We seem to be quite comfortable together and what ever awkardness was there melted away rather quickly.

I don't want this weekend to end.

Festivus...for the rest of us!

Tonight it hit me that the holidays are here. Why? Because tonight was the night that I noticed they were here. The winter set of guests, that is. Not having to deal directions, advice the chatter of spoiled and neglected children, I barely noticed the arrival of the season. Even with all the decorations.

In the past few years this time of year was spent working. This is the first time in at least four years that I haven't worked on Christmas Day. I don't even know what I'll do with myself.

Maybe I should celebrate Festivus.

For the last week or so I've made an attempt to push Festivus. A Festivus party could be rather entertaining. Who would be the patriarch of this group up here. The Mayor of Steamboat, perhaps? Trying to pin him during The Feats of Strength could make Festivus last until New Year's Eve. The look when I get when I say "Happy Festivus" is priceless at times. It can vary from knowing amusement or cheerful bewilderment to confused hostility. I suggest trying it out if you work with the public on a daily basis. It only comes once a year (our calendar says Dec 23).

I don't really know how I'd feel about the Airing of the Grievances. There would probably be some things I wouldn't really want to hear. Of course I would get my turn, so there's that.

But I bet it's not to hard to find a Festivus pole.

Happy Festivus!

Clockwatching and a four hour drive

When I wake up tomorrow, it'll be one more day until I leave for this adventure that sprung from this here Internet. The nervousness hasn't set in yet, I imagine it will when I get within fifty miles of her home.

This is seemingly new to me. As some of you know, I'm pretty much an idiot when it comes to dating. It's been a very long time since I've been out there. And I've never done anything like this.

The thing is, I'm pretty excited about this. I've been looking forward to it since we decided to meet and as the day approaches I seem to be able to think of little else.

I just hope that she likes me for what I am in person, bad puns and all.

Staying up late listening to Sonic Youth

Curses! Somehow I've managed to get myself back to staying up way too late. Tonight I'm going to blame it on the headphones. I just want to stay up and listen to music.

Tonight it dawned on me that part of the reason I am so utterly clueless when it comes to dating is that I spent almost all of my twenties in this same town. When I first arrived here at the age of 22 (cripes, eleven years), dating wasn't even an option for guys in this town. You pretty much had to go with the first girl that paid any attention to you because there just weren't that many females around. That's if one were to pay attention to you in the first place. Something makes me think this doesn't really allow for really getting to know someone.

Now being in my thirties and trying to figure out what this whole dating thing is, I find I have a bit of a disadvantage. I don't know what I'm doing at all.

I'm beginning to think there are quite a few of us in the same place. We got here in different ways but we're here now. And while we stumble around trying to figure it out we just happen to bump into someone who seems like they may be a good match.

I don't know if I'll ever really get it but maybe that's how it works.

Hero run, no more secrets and no nickname

Today, I almost went home after my first run on the mountain. Not because it sucked but because it was so close to perfect for me, I don't think I'll ever be able to duplicate it.

It's bigger than a bread box but I still don't know everything inside, which is a good thing. My secret, that is. Which I no longer have to keep a secret.

So...I've met someone. Technically we haven't met in person but after this weekend this will no longer be the case. This is exciting for me and I'm filled with a sense of warmth and happiness that I haven't felt in a long time. It's weird, emailing back in forth and phone calls reminds me of a more innocent time, like passing notes in class. But this time around the notes are a quite a bit more substantive and filled with more than could ever been put in a junior high note. I like this girl and it's been a long time since I've felt this way about someone. And yet I've never seen her other than pictures on a screen (of course the same is true for her) but her words have touched me and sparked my interest.

This modern world is something else. And that makes me happy right now.

Secrets and regrets

I've been keeping secrets from you, dear readers. And I am going to continue to do so. If you really want to know some secrets go look at PostSecret. They have lots of secrets from anonymous people, on post cards.

As for my secrets, I don't have many but I think the ones I have are worth keeping for now.

For as closed off as I feel I am, I don't really have many secrets. There are things that I won't talk about or write about here but if you were to ask in person I might be willing to tell. I'm not convinced those are actually secrets though.

I don't a dark past. I've never done something that needs to be concealed. Of course, there are things I wished never happened (for the life of me I can't remember any right now. weird). There are things I've done and said that I wish I could take back but these too are not secrets.

There is something going on with me that I'm not going to write about for a while. But when I decide to do write about it hopefully it'll be worth reading.

Nervous energy with a touch of translucency

When I'm nervous I pick my fingernails. Looking at my fingernails, I must be nervous most of the time. It's a slow pick, I like letting them grow just a bit so I can pick at them some more. I'm quite efficient. In addition to picking them I like to feel how well I've done, which leads me to try to feel my work on other fingers or my lips. I'm beginning to thing it's a strange habit. I didn't even notice it until someone at work thought she busted me smelling my fingers. Of course, she has three kids so it makes sense.

If I were to describe myself, I wouldn't use the word nervous. There are some nervous habits I have, yes, but I don't see myself as a nervous person. Of course, I don't really have much of an idea of how I appear to other people, so what do I know. Rarely do I see people staring at me, so that could be a good sign. Either that or I have finally achieved my goal of invisibility (actually, there was one night that I disappeared for about a moment. I was sitting in the chair, in plain view and no one could find me).

Enough of that.

This week couldn't end sooner and I for one am damn glad it's over. Now I can play in the cold for the next couple of days. Sweet. Hopefully all I hurt is my pride up there.

Chasing some cold pressure

Damn, I've got all of this stuff running around in my head and I can't seem to nail it down. Or at least grab onto it long enough to name it. Collecting my thoughts can be a meaningless phrase sometimes.

Last night was a five blanket night and my room was quite chilly when I woke up. That's what happens when you sleep in the coldest room in the house. When I went to start the Surly Mayfly, she wouldn't start. Even with a jump. I think it got so cold last night the oil turned to sludge. So I had one cold walk to work, thankfully the sun was shining. Eventually she started up. I am going to buy myself a blockheater for Christmas. Now if I could just get someone to buy me a new boombox type stereo. With an AUX slot so I can listen to my records again.

I may have ended my bloodletting streak today. There was no blood loss at all. No new cuts, scrapes or bruises. Take that! I'm no self-mutilating goth. The only self-mutilating I do is to my own ego thank you very much. And I try to keep that to a minimum.

And by the way, in my little world "Under Pressure" by David Bowie and Queen is an awesome song.

Why I should stay away from pointy metal objects

This is one week that can't end soon enough. I've managed to rack up more injuries this week than the rest of the year combined and I'm losing a lot of blood. They've now made the hydraulic cutter safe for me again. Hopefully, I won't cut myself on that thing again. In addition to all of the bloodletting on the machinery at work, I almost tumbled down the stairs today. I really should have just stayed in bed this week. I've been banned from sharp and pointy objects until sometime next week, in fact anything made of metal is off limits to me. About the only thing left is for me to get my hand stuck in a copier, talk about a jam. Damn, I probably just jinxed myself.

I totally jumped the gun last night when I said it was officially freaking cold last night. Tonight is the official start of freaking cold. -23° tonight. Even those of you in the upper Midwest will admit that this is cold. I haven't left the house since I got home and there is no way I'm going outside tonight. Hell, I don't even want to go outside tomorrow.

Good thing I get a couple days off soon. Between the injuries and the cold I may just go crazy in a matter of days.

Cutting cold

As nice as the snow may be on the mountain, I'm not going. The ski report this morning of -10°. I maybe a little odd but I'm not crazy. I would like to keep my face from going numb due to frostbite. Not that I'm complaining. Far from it, every day I've been up has been awesome and if it weren't so cold I'd be there.

Yesterday at work I managed to slice my finger pretty good. We have a machine that drills holes in paper (for three ring binders and such). I was cleaning one of the bits out and it slipped and dug right into finger. I've been using bandaids but I think it's time to switch to super glue. Unfortunately, it's my typing finger. This has not been my week when it comes to keeping myself from being cut.

I really don't want to go outside today.

cold

Winter is shaking his wrath at us tonight. The thermometer says 6° and I believe it. After dumping at least a foot here in town, it is now offically freakin' cold. I was kind of waiting for this. It always gets this cold at least once in December. I am definitly sleeping with my hat on tonight.

The mountain was sweet today and if I want to go tomorrow I need to go to bed now. Damn I stayed up to late.

Customers

Ever since I started working at the copy shop I've noticed the customers are a different sort than the ones I had at the gas station. Generally, they are a little nicer and friendlier. But there still are some that just grate on me. Mostly it's the ones that are condescending to us. Not to long ago, there was one lady in there talking on the phone and she said to the other person "I'm down here with my little *o***e* people." Something about that really irritated me, maybe it was her sense of ownership. And that was a relatively benign instance. Then there are the people who drop something off, demand it be done in a matter of hours and then proceed not to pick it up for days.

Of course, no one has ever tried to lunge over the counter at me. I'm sure that kind of behavior is pretty much limited to working in a gas station and possibly a bar. That's definitely the kind of thing I don't miss. I also don't miss the people that show me there surgical scars when I am obviously eating my dinner. Or the ones who would decide that I'm their best friend for the evening and proceed to share their unsolicited life story. Which generally consisted of a life of unrecognized alcoholism, failed relationships and shattered dreams. You know, the American sob story.

On the other hand, I heard some good stories and met some cool people that I never would have if weren't for working in a gas station. One memory that sticks out is the night a group of fifteen or so Muslims pulled up and asked if they could use the sinks. Sure, what do I care, I said, who am I to stop people from washing? I look out the window and on the far end of the parking lot they are all facing east saying their evening prayers. Afterwards, they came inside for snacks and stuff. Being the curious little monkey I am, and realizing that I may never get a chance like this again, I started asking questions. And, you know, they were more than happy to answer them. Apparently the washing is part of the prayer ritual. At some point my girlfriend at the time pulled up and was completely unsurprised to find me picking their brains.

I'll never have a night like that at the copy shop.

The new girl

ali stares a lot
Originally uploaded by surly monkey.

Hutch has a new beagle named Ali. Like all beagles, she's rather cute and stubborn. She also does a great George Burns impression. Of course, the first night I met her she snapped at me but it was my fault as I came to close to her bone. It seems she likes to growl at Gary anytime he gets close to her. But I didn't see her snap at him.

She loves Hutch, follows him everywhere and stares at him. He truly does have some kind of magical power over beagles. In the beginning he had that hold over Ulysses (currently known as Yule Dog) but it wore off the longer Ulysses lived with our folks.

Anyway, she seems to be a good dog and her growling is pretty funny in a way. Make sure you knock on the door loudly if you stop by. Then you can hear her in all of her ferocity. Mock ferocity, that is.

Call up some girls...but I'm afraid of the phone

There are times when I have issues with the telephone. I don't really like it to begin with and in fact I'm sort of afraid of it. Actually it's not the phone I'm afraid of but the act of calling people. Especially when it's the first call to someone. I fret about what kind of impression I'll leave. Will I be witty or interesting enough? Will my slight speech delay be really obvious? Stuff like that.

The thing is, I probably have nothing to worry about. Whatever concerns I have are most likely unfounded. I'm sure it's all tied into the whole hesitancy to initiate conversation thing (I really need to work on that more).

This is slightly related but I'm not going into detail as to why. Even though I've been here on the Internet in one way or another for almost fifteen years, I still feel like a newcomer in some ways. For instance, I've never met anyone in meatspace that I've met on the Internet (although I have met people I've seen on myspace but never talked to). I have no idea what the "rules" are for meatspace meetings, if there even are any. It's a total unknown to me. The communication on the Internet can be intimate and superficial at the same time. Which leaves me wondering how to even greet someone you'd meet in person. I guess it could be comparable to meeting penpals in an earlier time but I didn't have any of those back then. Sometimes, I think I think too much.

I will say this, tonight I feel less cynical and jaded.

Cat in a box

flick loves the box
Originally uploaded by surly monkey.

Maggie's cat Flick loves his box. In fact, I think he lives in it. He was rarely seen outside of it while I was there. You can pick the box up and carry him around in it and doesn't seem to know or care. Despite his homeless man in a refridgerator box impersonation, he is a cool cat.

One thing about Flick is that once gets out of his box, he can be pretty active. He will chase whatever it is you have one a string and if you have a laser pointer watch out. Another is his constant escape attempts which can be quite humorous.

Every time I see him and his cohort Gary, I like cats a little more. I've never been much of a cat person so that's something.

First day

Finally! I'd been waiting for that and it was worth it. There is a lot more open on the mountain than usual for this time of year. Not only that but there is a ton of snow up there. A few more days like this and lower mountain will be almost ready.

I didn't get to go for very long as I have to go to work but that's ok. No sense in killing myself on the first day up. I even left the ground a few times.

If you're nearby (as in the Front Range) you need to get your collective butt's up here. I think this is going to be the year.

Snow

Can't talk. Going to bed. Finally, first day up tomorrow.

Scattered

Well, I thought I'd be on top of it enough to post some photos from my trip back to Indiana. I'm not. I'm a total slacker and it's getting late. Plus, how many pictures of beagles do you really want to see? When I'm not so distracted I'll get some stuff up.

Back to the grind, but at least now the mountain is open. If I can just make myself get up early enough to get up there. I have a horrible time trying to wake up in the morning. I've never been an early riser. In fact, I hate getting up early as it cuts into so much of the night.

It seems I can't keep a thought for more than eight seconds tonight. I've got no anchor to this thing. Maybe it's all this new music. I just want to hear it all at once. There are probably at least ten new (to me) albums on my computer, plus I have thirteen compilation CD's to work through. So much whatever was in heavy rotation before I left. Although Elf Power is staying high but Spoon and Neutral Milk Hotel are climbing higher on my chart. Not to mention The New Pornographers (sorry, I'm feeling to lazy to provide links). I'm thinking that the "King of Carrot Flowers Part 2 & 3" (Neutral Milk Hotel) is the number one single for the last few days. But that could always change quickly. It's an great song especially coming from a churched/punk rock background like I do. Like gospel meets punk.

I think I'm going to have to ditch hip-hop this week for indie rock. I've got a lot of catching up to do. But it always slips in, no matter what.

Back to Winter

Another safe return. Damn, there's a bunch of snow here! I'm going to have to dig out my snowboard and gear very soon. We're talking hours.

It was good to be back in Indiana not in the least because it had been a decade since I'd been home for a holiday. Seeing the family was cool, especially my brother and sister. I couldn't ask for two cooler siblings. Plus I got to see Magpie, Unicorn and some of the Ball State Refugees. And the new addition, another beagle, Ali.

As I'm still fuzzy from travel and desire sleep, I'm going to bed.

A clarification on loneliness

In the last post I mentioned how lonely I am living in Steamboat. That's not entirely true. There is that certain kind of loneliness that I've been experiencing there that makes me say that. On one level I'm not lonely at all living there, I have great friends who support and love me and I try to love and support them as well.

The loneliness I was talking about was the lack of companionship that friends usually are unable to offer. The sharing a bed kind of companionship. I miss that and have a strong desire to have it again. And I'm not even talking about sex (well not totally), I'm talking about falling asleep with someone in my arms (or until my arms fall asleep) and then waking up next to them. Paradoxically, I've pretty much giving up on that happening. I don't know if it's cynicism or me just being jaded (which really are two different things).

I'm not the kind of person to define myself by having a girlfriend. I've spent more years of my adult life single than not and I'm generally ok with it. But there are things that I miss about not being single in addition to what was mentioned above. The whole sharing my life with someone and attempting to let them in my head, which can be hard because I don't open up so easily (there are a lot of things I don't or won't write about here), is another big one. Just that sense of companionship is important to me as well. Although, I will say it would be nice if the next one and I shared at least some of the same taste in music.

I don't even know why I concern myself with it. Like I said, I've pretty much given up, though I still desire to have something.

The City

What a whirlwind this trip has been, I've tried to compress in five days what I really need two weeks to do. I'm not even scratching the surface of seeing all the people and places I want to see while I'm here. That's OK, there will be other times to for that.

Once again, I get the same feeling I had last time I was here, I want to live in a city again. And Indy is just as good as any city I could live in. The only thing it's really missing is the proximity to the mountains. Which I guess Denver could provide but I don't have family in Denver. Of course, there is the nonbiological family back in Steamboat but most of them understand my desire to leave. There are people in Steamboat that I consider family but I am so lonely there. Now it could be the lack of any kind of relationship (excluding friends) that makes me feel so lonely. But I can tell that moving to a city I might be able to overcome that hurdle. There are options in the city. And females that might even pay attention to me in ways that don't end up being just friends (see the rant from earlier).

Whatever, I'm heading back in a couple of days and the mountain will be open. I put my desire to not be alone on the back burner for awhile once I start snowboarding. Or so I hope.

Drunk Talk

I have a question. There is an old saying "truth come from a bottle" or something like that. Basically it means that people are more inclined to tell the truth when they are drunk. Or perhaps they say and share things that they normally wouldn't when sober. My question is, how much truth to this is there to that saying?

Many a time I'll write things here under the influence of alcohol. Now most of the time when I do this I'm not drunk but I do have a bit of a buzz. But there have been times where I've written things that while true, should have never been posted. And in at least one case I've deleted a post that shouldn't have been posted. There are others that I probably should have deleted as well. The thing is, I was never lying about the stuff I wrote. Sure it was unkind and inappropriate but nevertheless true or at least true to me.

People tell me things when they are drunk, things that they most likely won't remember in the morning. And I don't know if they mean it. Obviously, I've learned by now not to make plans with someone who is wasted (especially for the next day). But what about the other things? Like expressions of emotion or desire? It that just what is called "drunk talk"? And in that case, is it to be considered unreliable? I'm not sure.

In my own case, I'm not a very open person when I am sober. Rarely, when speaking to me will you hear me expressing my feelings (opinions are a whole different matter) or emotions. But sometimes after I have had a few drinks I'll open up and tell people how I feel, many times about them. When I do this, I think even though I am drunk, I am telling the truth.

Man, I could use a drink. And some insight, because I am really curious about this one. So please, if you want to weigh in on this, than by all means do it in the comments section.

Arrived

Well I made it without incident and in near record time (at least driving to Denver). Not only that but I saw an owl fly right in front of me while I was driving! I hadn't seen an owl in a very long time and I don't think I've ever seen one in the day time.

Surprisingly the airport didn't seem to be that crazy. I don't know if most of the people took earlier flights or what.

The flight was pleasant enough, considering my low grade fear of flying. I only get nervous during take-offs and landings, the rest of the time I'm fine. Even the kids sitting behind me were able to keep their shrill outbursts to a minimum with some help from their parents. Nice job of parenting, it made the flight better for not just me but everyone else on the plane.

This time zone thing is messing with me. It's almost 2 a.m. here and my body tells me it's 11 something. I hope I don't stay up until 4 a.m. here.

I am pretty wiped out from traveling so maybe that will help. It's sure not helping me here.

Good night and Happy Thanksgiving.

Taking off

Wow, I really don't like being awake this early. But it has to be done. I have to drive down to Denver and catch a flight back to Indiana for the holiday. I need more coffee.

Ok that's better. I'm still fuzzy though. Time for a shower. Anyway, I'll be gone for a few days and I don't know how much I'll be able to get online. But I'll try to keep up with this thing. If not, I hope you all have a great Thanksgiving (at least those of you that celebrate it).

(alone in a crowd)

Sometimes when it's this late at night and I'm staring at the screen, I wonder what else I could be doing (other than sleeping, which would be the proper choice). And then it hits me, what else would I be doing? Maybe sitting in my room listening to music, or listening to the news and reading. I can do all of that sitting here in my chair (which I'm beginning to think I need to get a new chair, the back on this one is starting to get really loose).

Maybe I need to turn off this computer for awhile and look around me. I know there is a bigger world out there, maybe even here in this tiny town. Sadly, I've become accustomed to my little bubble here in my chair. Which the therapist inside me tells me this might not be the best thing for me. That little voice keeps telling me I need to get out and meet people. I know it's good for me and all but I fear meeting new people. (As we all know)It's not so much the people but the meeting of the people that sends me to the corner.

What strikes me, is that as I spend more and more time here on the Internet, there is a lot of us that are scared of the same thing. Being alone or perhaps being left alone. We tell ourselves that we like spending time by ourselves but the truth is, if we were all alone, sad would not be the word used to describe it. We try to detach ourselves from one of our basic needs. That being the contact with others.
We need connections just as much as we need being touched (pet if we were dogs). But no matter how much we try to deny it, we need it.

The worst feeling can be when you are the one left behind. Especially if there isn't much warning. Leaving can be a hell of lot easier than staying. Living here, I've seen my fair share of good friends leave and never come back. And when I finally go it may be the same kind thing. I don't know if I could stay away if I were to come back.

And I'll still find myself alone in a crowd, no matter what.

It's not bling

Once again I didn't win the lottery. I kind of expected that would be the outcome.

In my little fantasy world, the first thing I would do is renew my passport. And then I would give the Surly Mayfly a massive tune up and some bodywork. After that, I have no idea. Maybe I'd just drive the SM around and just take pictures and type it all down.

Ahh...fantasy world. Unfortunately, in the real world (which is meatspace, by the way) I have to work. And you don't get rich by working. The only observation I have about capitalism is that one gets rich by exploitation. Whether it's the cold-hearted exploitation of humans or just working the system, that's how people make money. That and it helps to have money to begin with. Not all forms of exploitation are necessarily evil. We all try to game the system to some degree, I just imagine most of us haven't figured out how to do it on a scale that will make a lot of money. But I'm not convinced that exploiting loopholes and bugs in the system is totally a bad thing. Anyone that's played video games has done the same thing (like that turtle and extra lives in Super Mario Brothers).

I know that if I ever find a way that I can make a lot of money by jumping on a turtle a bunch, I'm going to do it. I'd love to be able to stop working for someone else and do my own thing, whatever that may be. Now all I need is an idea. And no I don't want to be part of your pyramid scheme, thank you very much.

Books...unread

Well, I were feeling a little smarter I'd mention something about how it looks like the Republicans are starting to crack. But I'm not feeling so smart tonight. Or at least not enough to think about politics.

Actually, I haven't been feeling very smart lately. I might read more books if it weren't for Wikipedia and the like. I can't remember the last time I finished a book. But I've still been reading, just not words from a page. Or it could be that I haven't picked up anything new in a long time other than some kind of reference book. Maybe I should start reading books again.

There was a time, not that many years ago, that I devoured books. Sometimes I'd finish three in a week. I'd be lucky to finish one in three weeks now. Although, once I get into one, I'll generally finish it. Not always though, I've tried to read Catch 22 three times and only finished it once. Now that I think about it I have a decent list of books I've started and never finished. Hmmm...maybe I just lied. Maybe I don't finish as many as I think.

I'm beginning to wonder if I need to turn this damn computer off once and awhile. That could be a whole different post.

Too many songs

So I went stepped inside of the local joke of a record store and still walked away with something. I was hoping to find some Neutral Milk Hotel who caught my ear while listening to SomaFM's Indie Pop Rocks station. As I expected, there was none to be had. But I did find the first Quasimoto album "The Unseen". I haven't really had a good listen to it but I have a long drive coming up, so I know I'll here it then.

For the longest time I was not really that interested in music, I'd listen to it but I was fine with what I had on hand. Just recently have I been adding to my collection one what or another. And with most of it on my hardrive, I'm beginning to get a bit overwhelmed. There's stuff I haven't even heard yet on there. It's hard to find something to listen to when there are so many choices. And yet I want to hear more. Maybe it's a good thing that the selection is so poor for my taste. I won't spend the money if it's not there.

I've got plenty to catch up on anyway.

Pinkerton and Prazision

There's a reason my story telling ability isn't very good. I don't remember things very well. Many of my memories of childhood have been told to me. Of course, somewhere inside this head of mine I'm sure there are a lot of things stored on the hardrives. I just can't remember the paths. Knowing my luck, one day I'll discover that they all are in one single folder and I'll make the mistake of opening it at work. Woo hoo, they'll find me in a fetal position in front of a copier, shaking as I relive close to twenty years inside my head.

Thankfully, most of them come back in small doses if at all. I don't know if it was the wine or Weezer but the first time I ever ask a girl out came back tonight. It was fifth grade and she said no. Holy cow, I hadn't thought of that moment in decades. That's how it goes. I'm sure after tonight I may never remember that day again.

It's such a brief and pointless memory that I can't even make a story out of it. Even though between that and other unremembered events probably affect my interactions with women to this day.

I find it a bit strange that I can name the six flags that flew over Texas but I can't tell you anything about a birthday I had before 21 or so. Where was I? I'm sure I was there. I mean, I had to be, right?

Every once in a while I wonder where that folder is located.

The Weekend

Damn, it's way too late for me to be up. This is what I get for listening to Yo La Tengo and not burning it to CD. Whatever, tomorrow is Friday and I actually have a weekend. It's still so odd to have weekends off. It's been years, since my early twenties in fact. Now if there were just something to do. Well, there is the high school production of "The Taming of the Shrew". I wouldn't know this if we hadn't printed the posters. It could be cool but I'm not going by myself. Apparently, they are doing a Western interpretation of it.

Now I'm just ready to go home for the holiday. My time at home is already starting to fill up between family and friends. Which is great, I can't wait to see them all. Now if I can just sneak in enough time to pick up the things I can't get here. Like music and pants.

Even cooler, the mountain will be open when I get back and I miss the lunacy of opening weekend. This year I'm finally getting some product hook-up in the form of boots. I'm test riding. Now I'm not the best snowboarder out there by any stretch of imagination but I am up there a lot, so why not let me test stuff out? I'm stoked.

So you know all of you kids in the Front Range and elsewhere are going to need to get up here this year. I'm so hoping this is the year. That way I can leave this town satisfied.

As for the weekend, whatever happens, happens.

A new life?

All of a sudden it hit me. I need a life. Sitting here lurking around on the Internet isn't much of a life. Of course the ten to fifteen of you may enjoy my semi-coherent, drunken ramblings but I probably should have more going on than just this. Actually, I bet I'd be more interesting if I had more going on (of course, then I would probably be sworn to secrecy...like the other night...).

Maybe poverty or low grade depression that keeps me inside the house all night. Or perhaps this town is just to small and not enough is happening. But I suspect I wouldn't be that much more adventurous even if I lived in Denver where there is stuff going on all the time, compared to here.

It probably all goes back to the whole shyness thing. Or maybe it's just that I find negotiating the bar scene tedious and an exercise in futility. I want other options, dammit. Like a board game night or even ballroom dancing lessons. Something other than the same swill every night.

Maybe I need to be looking harder. I must be missing something. Sorry to complain so much.

Anticipation of snow

I just opened the door to have a smoke and it's snowing again. Sweet. Other than digging out my winter gear, I'm pretty much ready for winter. There's no doubt that I'm ready to strap onto my snowboard and start riding again. The anticipation is getting greater and greater.

This year I'll be missing opening day for the first time in years (other than the year I lived in Ft. Collins). That doesn't bother me at all, being in Indiana for a holiday will be good and I'm really looking forward to seeing my family and reconnecting with some long lost pals.

As I may have mentioned before, winter is the season (at least as long as I live here) that I really become more alive. The loneliness ebbs away due to riding with my friends and others. The chairlift can offer some moments of connectedness that can rarely be found anywhere else. Not to mention that perfectly amazing run that can't even be described in words. The one where you are gliding through the trees with at least a foot of fresh snow underneath you. There is no other feeling like it. In recent years those runs have been infrequent at best but at least I know where to go now when it is one of those days.

I'm so ready. Bring on the snow.

In public (otherwise known as meatspace)

I've been feeling antsy all week. Sitting around the house at night is beginning to drive me a little batty, I think. Probably because I finally got out of town last week. You know, if I weren't so perpetually broke, I'd probably leave town every weekend. I just wish there was some kind of night life here other than the same tired three bars. I hardly go to them anymore, everytime it's the same old faces and overpriced drinks. Soon I guess were supposed to have a space for plays, stand-up and whatever else. That'll be a good change of pace.

Meeting some new people would be nice as well. I've been stuck in my groove for so long I really don't have any idea what's on the world outside of my spheres of friends. And there are some things I desire that my current spheres can't or won't offer me. This is more challenging than it sounds, I'm actually shy around people I don't know. Many times I'm that guy lurking in the corner (and message boards) watching everyone around me. Going up to strangers and striking up conversations doesn't come naturally for me.

The strange thing is, there was a time when it did come quite easily. I'm not really sure what or how that changed but it did. I'd guess it has some to do with my rising levels of cynicism. Or possibly the bouts of depression I've been more prone to in the last ten years or so. I vaguely remember that as a child I was rather shy, so maybe it was a fluke in those few years I wasn't shy. Although once I meet someone and get to talking, it can be hard to shut me up. I'm only shy until I meet you.

Really I just need to get over myself and meet new people.

tunes

Damn, I hate it when I just have one song stuck in my head. Tonight it is "Everlasting Scream" by Elf Power. I can't seem to get the riff out of my head no matter how many times I play it.

It almost bothers me to discover albums came out along time ago suddenly are my new favorite. I feel so behind when that happens. It seems I should have known about it when it came out. At least I'm buying and listening to music again. For a while I was doing neither. Thanks to Internet radio, I've been able to keep up somewhat.

My tastes have changed dramatically over the years. I'm sure that happens to everyone to a degree. I find myself liking music that is mellower for the most part. I rarely find myself listening to punk or metal. And that's ok with me.

The Friend Zone

Sometimes I get myself in trouble and it is all inside my head. I've learned to keep certain things to myself (and yet, I'll go and talk about it here) because I know that if I were to ever verbalize them it wouldn't come out the right way. This often leads to the appearance that I am rather indecsive, when in fact I just won't offer an opinion.

Throughout the years, I've been told that I should let out what I'm feeling but I don't buy it. Especially when it comes to letting others know what you feel about them. Whether I highly dislike someone or like them, I generally try not to let it show. And if I'm really into someone (as in female) I don't want it to show. I've made that mistake before and I really don't want to repeat it.

Even right now there are a couple of women I'm into but I'm not going to do anything about it. There is one that I can't bring myself to call (although part of it is I know if I were to ask her to do something her bodyguard of a friend will be there, watching out) and the other one I'm sure as hell not going to tell how I feel about her because I would be crushed by the likely response. Of course, most likely I've already been placed in the friend zone for both, anyway. So it goes.

The friend zone is the most annoying and awkward position that women can put men in, I've decided. As far as I can tell it is virtually impossible to get out out of the friend zone (although I've heard stories of it happening). Not only that but I can't help thinking that it is a form of denial at times. I get the feeling sometimes that if one conversation had been different, there wouldn't be a friend zone barrier. Although, the truth is I have no idea how I end up there so often. It could be that I'm just not enough of a bad boy. Or I am too smart for my own good. I doubt that though, I never even finshed college. I can't help it if I'm attracted to women who are intelligent and I can talk to. Yet I'm just seen as a pal.

It's not as though I don't like having friends, I just don't like fixed states of friendships. They're inherently fluid to begin with and things do change over time.

Whatever. I'm not going to sit here and sulk about it. But I do think the friend zone is almost as pitiful as me not calling one or telling another one how I feel.

Dropping down

Grrr...I was at work for close to ten hours today. Not that I really had any big planes or even that much to do at home. Whatever, I get paid for it so I guess it's not all lame.

We're having our first cold night tonight, the cold is the one thing that bothers me about the winter. Actually I don't mind the cold that much until it get's to a certain point. About 17° is where I draw the line for it being really cold. Anything below that is just overkill. And it's going to get that cold tonight if it isn't already. But, hey there's snow on the ground and the mountain opens soon and I get my five months of winter therapy.

Another good thing about winter in this town is we get our extended bus hours back. Now all I have to is memorize the times and I'm all set. I managed to not drive to the mountain once all last season which is something I'll probably never be able to do again. Here's to public transit. And it's free no less.

Even better is that sometime later this week, I should have my season pass in hand. Sweet!

Bring that snow on, I say!

Worth every minute

Well now that turned out to be quite an adventure.

First things first, the Surly Mayfly officially kicks ass and it's a fourteen year old car. With no small amount of help from the Blizzak snow tires.

The drive down to Denver had some nerve wracking moments. The pass was snowpacked and icy but I'm driving in those conditions many times. All the way down to Silverthorne was a breeze. And then we got on 70. Going up that ramp put us into the path of the most absurdly insane driving I have ever experienced. The first indication should have been the lit sign that mentioned chains or snowtires were required as it was snowing heavily. Apparently most people either missed or choose to ignore it. Suddenly, traffic slowed to a crawl and the next thing I know there's an Explorer sliding sideways towards me. And when I get around him we notice that there are a lot of vehicles sliding and spinning out around us. Shortly after that we come upon cars stopped on any imaginable spot on the highway. Left lane, center lane, left shoulder, right lane, they stopped in the spots they lost traction. At some point it took on a scene of a blizzard themed "Dawn of the Dead", with people getting out of their cars sliding and staggering around the middle of I-70. Trying to push cars and what not. When we finally made it within sight the (Eisenhower) Tunnel all of the big semis were parked willy-nilly. Six miles after the tunnel the road was completely dry. Go figure.

The thing is, after the most terrifying driving experience of my life, it was totally worth it. Once we got to Denver, checked into the hotel and made it to the show things were awesome. I met up with my friend from college who I hadn't seen in forever. Thanks for the drinks, Evan! The show was a fucking rock (rawk!) show. Every band kicked ass. Having never heard much of or seen Nashville Pussy, I can honestly say they blew me away. And of course the Supersuckers freakin rocked it like no other.

Man, barely making it makes it all that much better.

I'm outta here

In about five minutes I'm walking out the door to go to Denver. And it's a damn good thing I put my snow tires on because it is dumping snow here. Anyway for once I'm not taking my computer with me so I'm not saying anything unless I figure out audio posting. Which I doubt I will in three minutes.

Have fun and wish me luck.

Winter approaching

Well at least my car is ready for winter. This will be the first winter in close to fifteen years I've driven a front wheel drive care in the winter. The first car I ever purchased was a 1981 Honda Civic (babypoop brown) with bald tires. Right before winter. I never went off the road and only got stuck once, not bad for being in the Midwest.

This time around I have Blizzaks(snow tires) that came with the car and I'm pretty excited to use them. I may have to leave the valley just to try them out. Not to mention riding on some other mountains.

I'm starting anticpate winter more and more. The time to snowboard is quickly approaching and I can barely wait. Thankfully, I don't think about it too much in the summer. Hopefully I will have a good schedule that will allow me some good days on the hill.

What strikes me as odd is that my outlook changes by the season. As long as I live here winter is the time I look foward to. The snow washes everything else away. All of the internal monologue, all of the worry, all of the fear; it all disappears when I am strapped onto that snowboard and am pointing down the hill or riding through the trees. Well maybe not all of the fear, there are a some cliffs I won't drop off.

The truth is, I am so ready for the snow to start falling it's not even funny.

Sheep

It was inevitable. Wikipedia has a parody site.

I haven't been too deep into the site so I don't know what to say. Although I did find the Kurt Vonnegut entry entertaining. Not to mention the related Kilgore Trout page. But it seems everything I've seen so far is good parody. And outright lies. Like The Onion.

It be awesome if I could come with good parody. I can barely write sarcasm (although I this idea that sarcasm a more facial and tonal type of humor) without it being misinterpreted. The fact is I'm not that funny. I like bad puns and wordplay jokes which most people find annoying or silly at best. But what the hell, I like it.

Do you know what I saw? Wood.

stuff

If there is one thing I thank my parents for is not ever bringing the idea of stereotypes into my young skull. No matter what they thought of any type of person, us kids would never hear it spoken or otherwise. That may be the most important lesson I learned from them (well the honesty thing is up there too. Maybe higher, crap, I'm saving that for later.).

I learned all of my stereotypical knowledge from the outside world, mostly in school. Not so much the adults but the kids around me. In fact, I remember a teacher calling me out on ignorance that I had acquired from the local beliefs (it was in high school, Latin class, Mrs. Wilson if you must know). At that moment I took stock and realized that I was wrong. To this day I remember how what I said was so callous and wrong but when I said it I had know idea how lame it was. Until I was set straight.

Not that I'm any special accepting person. I've lived in this isolated, whitebread town for the last ten years. And these people are driving me crazy, I think (it's probably just me). Damn, I miss the city. I miss walking down the street and seeing people who don't look like anything like me. The idea of something other than American bar food excites me.

As far as I can tell people are people. Until they prove otherwise. Then they're just dumbasses, idiots and spazzes. Or something like that.

Memories...the fog

This is the time of year that I remember things about my past. Or at least, it seems that fall is when I mark the passage of time. Maybe it's some kind of genetic memory thing, it seems there is some ancient European costumes that mark fall as the new year (according to some that's where Halloween comes from). No matter what, I've been performing the annual remeberance rituals. Like digging through old photographs and letters I've receive. I am a packrat, so I have almost every letter sent to me since I've lived out here, probably every photo I've taken as well and most of the magazines I've received.

I have no desire to live in the past but I do like to remember it every so often. My puny little brain doesn't remember many of the events of my life so I have to rely on documentation to jog my memory. If you were to ask me right now, I'd be hard pressed to recount an event of my childhood. Beyond childhood, my memories are still fuzzy at best. There are certain people and places that are clear but events are the cloudiest.

There is probably reasons why I can remember objects more than actions. If you know me in meatspace, you know I have a hard time getting quotations right (and speaking in general for that matter). At times I probably come across as a stoner (or an simpleton) but I'd guess (and hope) those times are rare. There are times when words just won't come to me.

Seeing as I'm better at remembering things rather than situations, I'm not surprised that now is when I'm looking at artifacts. And since this is the season I've seemed to designate as the new year, this is the time for me to get in touch with that which has past.

The good thing about the before times is that it can actually provide a path for the later times. Because of what has happened before I know what I want and don't want to do with myself. And I know what kind of people are important to keep around me. I've been blessed so far and I want to keep it that way.

No umlats for me.

One of the ways I can tell I am getting older is the release dates on my albums (and the fact that I still call them albums). It seems that many of the records that I consider my favorite are over ten years old. I do find myself listening to more and more stuff that isn't really that new. Much of it is stuff that I missed the first time around. I guess it could just be a matter of filling in the gaps.

That's not to say all, there are some that were released within the last months and year that are quickly moving up my internal chart of all time greatest albums. Thank god for Internet radio, my friends and family, I'd be so behind without them.

At this moment I'm listening to "Scream, Dracula, Scream" by Rocket from the Crypt which came out in '95. And it still rocks. It should have changed the face of rock. I can't decide if I'm in rock mode or not these days. I go back and forth between rock and the softer side. It's all still indie, hip-hop an smatterings of jazz and country. Maybe it's the thought of the upcoming snowboarding season and I'm starting to get myself pumped up. Riding does go better with rock (and hip-hop).

Of course I get a real rock-n-roll treat this coming weekend. I get to see the Supersuckers in Denver. Sweet! And I get the eff out of this godforsaken hellhole of a town for most of a weekend. I just hope I don't get an elbow in the chest again. That hurt for almost a week. I can't wait.

Losing track of nostalgia

Today over at myspace I got an invite to join a group for alumni of my high school. After looking around that group I think I'm going to pass joining it. When people are posting topics about what they miss about high school I think I should just stay away. High school is something I don't miss. It wasn't really miserable but it wasn't really the peak of my life (hopefully I haven't hit that yet). The truth is there are probably less than ten people I graduated with that even wonder what the hell happened to them. And two of them I already know.

Since high school, I've met a lot of people over the years. And many of those are the ones that I am the most curious about. People who left to do things, people who have just disappeared out of my life. Or I disappeared. In years past I had a tendency to drop off the face of the earth (although it seems you can find my imprint here, now). Also, I'm not always the best at keeping in touch, even with the Internet. It seems that I'm really good at losing track of people. I really have know idea where any of the people I knew when I first moved to Colorado are anymore other than maybe one who stayed in Boulder. I figure I'll just run into them randomly if they are still in the state. That's how it seems to happen with me.

The flipside of this is that many of the people who I lost track of and wondered where they were came out of the wood work in the space of months over at myspace. And hopefully I'll see a few of them when I'm home for Thanksgiving.

Now I really am going to bed.

mix it up

Sometimes I try to design things for print. Generally flyers and business cards (I've been working on the Surly Pump Monkey card for months). Today I tried my hand at a CD insert. A simple one but it was still a challenge. Most of it is just learning software I think. And figuring out how to get the damn thing to print right. I like trying though and everytime I finish something it gives me ideas for the next time. If there is a goal in mind I find that my time spent in front of the computer is a lot more productive.

Strangely, for the first time in many years I'm feeling the need to be more productive. There is this urge to create things, whether it's mixed CDs or some kind of photo thing. I just have the itch to do something. It's about the time that I start wishing that I had some kind of musical talent other than the same beat that I tap out with my knuckles.

I've always been one that believed that I have some kind of creativity, I just don't know what the medium is yet. This here Internet thing is something, between this place and posting some photos over at Flickr it seems to be a start.

Anyway it's late and I should go to bed but that's just a suggestion.

New stuff

I've got way too much new (to me) music to go through. I got the a package from my brother that had more than enough to catch up with, not to mention the stuff that Dr. Caddel on Safari dropped on me not to long ago. I can't even sort it out. Right now I'm listening to Big Business which is by far the heaviest of anything I've got my grubby hands on recently. Even heavier than the Jello & Melvins album (of course that's just my opinion). Heavy can be good depending on the dosage.

But the real gem in what I've been given is the Calexico/Iron & Wine album "In the Reins". Not heavy at all. Mellow and amazing is what I think I would call it. It's a master work of where this whole softer side of the indie world is heading. This could be one of those albums that will be looked over now but years down the line will be recognized for the great work that it is. In some form this is album is the culmitation of American Music. It has dinge and twang but a feel that is just calming for the most part. An amazing piece of work.

Not to mention that I'm just now starting to get into Yo La Tengo! How the hell did I miss them after all of these years?

Fear

When I was in my early teens, I never expected to live as long has I have. In fact, I believed that there would be very few if any humans alive by now. Being a kid on the tail end of the cold war could have that kind of effect on you. It was not beyond my comprehension that at anytime the world could descend into a nuclear holocaust that would wipe out large chunks of the global population. Not only that but turn much of the planet into a radioactive wasteland. It just seemed like the inevitable conclusion to history. And this was long before I tried drugs.

Now I'm not so certain and the fact that I'm still alive or not roaming the wastelands with some sort of high-technology aware tribe still surprises me at certain moments. Not very often does it surprise me but when I think back, I'm surprised at how strongly I believed that scenario. It probably explains my fascination with zombie movies.

Ever since the Iron Curtain fell, I haven't felt that fear of the annihilation that I felt as a kid. Even with the things that have happened in the last seven years or so. It may be callus, but the bombings of modern times are nowhere nearly as scary to me as my young fear of a global annihilation.

My fears, if you could even call them that are now more mundane in nature. The same fears most of us probably share. Those of loneliness, poverty or whatever else there is. But I try not to dwell on it.

Really the world isn't that scary. Sure, there are scary places, places I probably would never set foot in. But overall, it ain't that bad out there.

Ghosts of youth

Originally uploaded by surly monkey.

Once again there were some awesome costumes this year. This town really gets into Halloween. I love seeing it even though I don't really dressup that much. So fake blood and make up to make it look like I got beat up, thank you (although I can give myself a fairly convincing black eye). Some folks though, just go crazy with it and come up with some awesome stuff. One of these days maybe.

So now it's back to the grind and for me to get back on track for my silly little projects. The show needs to be planned and I need to talk to some more people that have done this kind of thing before. It still seems a little absurd for me to even be thinking about putting together a photo show but what the hell. I've got thousands of photos, I might as well do something with them. It'll be an experience if nothing else.

I'm just scared that I'll talk myself out of it. I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them. There is nice case of self-doubt that courses through my brain. The whole self-esteem thing eludes me most of the time. It's a hard thing to rise above sometimes, I know where it comes from but doing something about it is a whole another story. What's even sadder is that I know that I have skills in certain areas but I still doubt myself. Stupid nature and nuture.

Whatever. I'll force myself into uncomfortable situations that will make me better after I'm on the other side. And when it's over, I'll think to myself that there is no reason I should have done it. It wouldn't be the first time.

It's over

Wow, I'm glad that only comes once a year. I have no business going to work after my birthday. At least I survived with my stomach lining intact. Thanks to all that watched over me, I needed that.

Man I really have nothing tonight. I think I'm just a little too fuzzy still from last night.

Screw it, I'm going to bed.

Happy Halloween. Happy birthday to me.

Wow! I really meant to write something last night but I was way to tired. It's been a big weekend. Between attending Halloween parties (it's a really big deal up here) and getting ready for today which is my birthday, I've been really busy and neglecting this space. One cool thing this weekend, I got to see Paradox and his sister in meatspace. It's always good to see him and I hadn't seen his sister in many years. Good seeing ya' man.

Have I ever mentioned how much my friends and roommates, Sam and Juli, kick ass? Well they do. For my birthday they gave me a coupon from them to pay for framing of my first two photos for my show. I was speechless when I saw that.

Anyway I have to head to work for what I hope is a short day. Then tonight is the party. If you're in Steamboat and don't already know, head on down to the Rio like 9:30ish for the Plagiarists and my birthday party.

Good day all.

PS LeeAnn beat me at Scrabble on Friday night. It was only twelve point but I'm still down 2-0. We're playing again girl!

Best. Simpsons. line. ever.

You can't do that! Karma can only be portioned out by the cosmos.

Games

It may not be a good thing but I've reformed my PS2 calluses since we regained power in the house. I've been playing Gran Turismo 3 since I got the system last Christmas and just tonight I completed 50% of the game. It's a really deep game and quite addicting. I don't think it's improved my driving though. Just like playing the Tony Hawk games haven't improved my skating.

There is only one kind of game that has possibly improved any physical skill for me and that is the shooting games. And I mean the arcade versions where you hold the gun in your hand (such as Area 51). At times, I seem to be a good shot with rifles. Or at least as long as it's a stationary target. Unfortunately, I only got to go shooting once this whole warm season so I'm really rusty. And I still suck at skeet, golf ball or otherwise. I think I just need more practice. I'm hesitant to attribute what little target skill I have to a video game. I'd like to think that I just have good hand-eye coordination. But experience has taught me otherwise. Maybe it's that redneck blood coursing through my veins.

Time passes

It's starting to hit me that soon I'll be another year older. In four days or so depending on how you look at it. When I was a kid I looked far more forward to my birthday but I'm sure we all did. Having it on a holiday (Halloween if you must know) almost adds a lot of pressure to the day. In addition to having a birthday, I have to come up with a costume. And I hate that as I'm not very good at coming up with costumes. Usually I figure out a very lame costume at the very last minute, as some of you can attest to having known me in meatspace.

Having Halloween as a birthday can be an additional burden. People sort of expect a dark side. Which I have but try to keep under wraps as best I can. I know my efforts aren't that successful but whatever. In fact, to a degree I relish in my darkside. I can find the humor in death and destruction (maybe that's where the zombie thing comes from). Not in the suffering so much but more in the structures of man, the structures that people thought would stand the test of time. Nothing can stand against the sand of time and remain fully intact. Oh geez, what does this mean for the digital universe?

Whatever, I'm going to bed. Drunk. And laughing.

Leave me alone Mofo

Where can I start tonight? I wound up in the bar (the old standby bar that is) and the freak that always seems to show up showed up yet again. I swear this guy follows me any time I try to step foot in this bar. He is one of those guys that listens on the outskirts of conversations and laughs at inappropriate moments. Conversations that have nothing to do with him. I suspect he walks that fine line between drunkeness and mental illness. Even when there is nothing going around him he tends to blurt out a response having no idea that of what is happening around him.

Not that I should talk, I'm sure at times I exhibit signs of perceived mental illness when I'm under the infuence of illicit substances. But I assume that goes with the territory. I'd like to think that in the "normal" life I'm pretty much sane. I'm pretty good about keeping things inside that don't need to be displayed as a public spectacle. Of course, I'll let on to my current obsessions whether they be zombies, the Illumanti or whatever the theme of the week is. But beyond that, I can carry on a rational conversation as far as I can tell.

It probably wouldn't bother me so much if it didn't feel like this guy was everywhere I seem to be. Not to mention that at one point he tried to destroy my camera. In fact, that may be more what bothers me the most. But other than agents of the government, who the hell tries to destroy a camera? That was one of the few times in years I've had to stand up for myself. Maybe that is part of it. But I walked away with me and my camera intact.

Don't get me wrong, I've lived with and loved more than enough people who struggle with some form of mental illness. And yet they seem to be able to function within the confines of society.

I sometimes suspect this is an act for some. Although I doubt the sympathy vote is very high for types like this, maybe it works at some point. And if it does, should I try it?

Living dead part 2

This whole zombie thing is getting out of hand now. I've been thinking about them and discussing zombie evasion and combat tactics for the last couple of days. It's not helping that others are contributing to the madness by engaging in and furthering the discussion.

Of all the horror movie monster types, zombies are one the few that any of us could become quite easily. At least in the realm of modern, Romeroesque zombies. That all it would take is a bite from an infected creature to turn one into a zombie is a bit closer to home than being chased by a Predator or Alien. Or that it all could start off by a virus of some sort. Which is even closer to home when you consider the various pandemics that this planet has experienced over the years.

Zombie movies, especially the Romero ones, always seem to have a social critique has a subtext. Be it the comment on racism of the original Night of the Living Dead or idea that consumerism has turned us all into zombies of Dawn of the Dead, it's there. Sometimes more subtle than other times but it is there.

Not to mention that zombie flicks can be pretty scary and shocking if done right. The make up guys can go overboard with the gore and effects if they like. And it would be a good zombie flick if there wasn't at least one freak that gets it's head blown off.

Now that I've got that out of the way, I'll try to never mention zombies again.

Awake

Damn, I need to go to bed earlier. And yet once again I find myself here much later than I need to be.

Last night I had some strange dreams. I don't remember them now of course but I know they were odd. I just get this sense that they were. When I woke up I knew something had happened in that other world.

Even the feeling of having dreams is one I don't get very often. Hopefully, I'm not the only person out there that doesn't remember their dreams. Almost every morning I wake up with no recollection of my dreams or that I even had them.

I'll bet they were zombie related.

The living dead

I hope that if I'm ever in a situation that involves hordes of flesh eating zombies I have enough ammo to fight them off. Unfortunately, my shotgun can only hold five rounds at most and I know there would be far more than five zombies if the movies are any guide. Of course if it descended to that point, I would break into the nearest sporting goods store stock up on firearms, ammo and then steal something that would drive up a wall and get the hell away from any population centers.

Everytime I watch a zombie flick I play the what if game with myself. Other than a nuclear holocaust, a viral zombie infestation is one of the worse scenarios I can imagine ever happening. Thankfully, those kinds of zombies aren't real. The jury is still out on the Voodoo type zombies though.

I've always had some form of worse case scenario fantasy in the back of my head. Not that long ago it was more of a Red Dawn type of thing but in the last few years it's been zombies. And after shooting off one shotgun slug and seeing the hole it punched in a piece of plywood, if I had a large supply of those I could probably fend off the zombie hordes for a little while. Especially if I weren't the only one fighting.

I'm not sure why I am so quick to embrace invasion fantasies or why I put myself on the resistance side of them. I suspect Hollywood has a fair amount to do with it. Survivor movies have always struck a chord with me and I do see myself as a survivor to a degree. Not that I've ever gone through anything horribly traumatic in my life but there have been a few close calls. In more a (somewhat) more realistic context, I would defend my country if it were to be invaded (although sometimes I suspect that's already happened and it came from the inside).

The chances of anything like this happening are really none, especially a zombie invasion. But if something close does I'd like to think I'm a bit ready for it. I'll at least get a couple of those flesh eating freaks before I go down.

Things...

One tenet that many of the worlds religions have in common is the idea that people should not be attached to material possessions of this world. As much as I like this shared concept, I can't seem to put into practice very well. There is a lot of stuff packed into my living space. It doesn't help much that I come from a long line of packrats. I think I still have, in various locations, every magazine that I've bought or stolen since I was very young. I have small rocks from various parts of the world, strangely enough I remember where I got almost every one of them. In my boxes there are trinkets and tokens from my past, a past that I don't remember until I pull out one of these artifacts and it all comes back. Or at least the moment when I found or received said artifact.

As appealing as the idea of being free of material possessions is, the fact remains that I will never be able to live with just the clothes on my back. And really I don't think I would want to live that way. There is a level of stability that I like, and part of that is clean clothes and a roof over my head. And bathing. I've been to the point where I can smell myself before and I don't like it.

If I were put in the position of the old question of naming the three things I would save from a fire, I don't know what all three would be. I'd guess that two would be my computer stuff and my photos but I don't know what the last one or two would be. Maybe I'm closer than I realize.

NWO & Marvel

In the last couple of nights I've spent way to much time catching up one comic book storylines. And I've come to discover, like Guided by Voices there is just too much for me to ever catch up. There is no way I'm going to go and buy comics again. I don't have the money and I don't want to allow myself to sink down to that level of geekdom. Graphic novels are a whole different story.

The thing about this refound fascination with comic books is that it is setting off some red flags to myself. Instead of dealing with the world around me, I seemed to be descending into a fantasy realms that only exist in print, words and film adaptions. My new escape from reality. This would not be the first time I've substituted a fantasy world for reality.

I spent quite a few years delving deep into conspiracy theories, UFOs and other paranormal worlds. Even to this day, there is something in the back of my head that tells me that there is a secretative cabal that pulls the strings of power on this little planet of ours. Whether this group is truly in cahoots with the Greys or any other alien groups is out of my league. In recent years I've tried to keep myself from getting to deep into this type of thing as I realize that it is mostly escapism and I was causing myself to be paranoid because of it.

What concerns me is that I could be replacing one fantasy for another. Although, at least I know that the Marvel Universe is a true figment of imagination. I'm still not so sure about the other.

Holy Smokes! Batman!

Tonight we watched the newest Batman movie Batman Begins. Finally a good Batman movie, well other than the Tim Burton one but it's been so long since I've seen it I barely remember it. All of the others in between have been terrible as far as I can recall. And I've only watched them on cable. This one is dark and gritty the way a Batman movie should be. The casting was perfect, Michael Caine is the best as Alfred and there are even more surprises in the casting aspect.

I think one of the things I like the best is that it gave such a clear picture of the backstory that leads Bruce Wayne to become Batman. It dives deep into the impact that the murder of his parents have on him and his guilt over it. And for once we learn how he came to develop his fighting prowess and a decent explanation of where he gets his gadgets. Not to mention the writers didn't leave any glaring gaps in the script. I can't think of a single continuity question I have about the movie. Which is rare these days. And the set up for the sequel is not forced.

Batman Begins seems like they are restarting the franchise, which is good because the last few were a wash. Starting over is a good idea. I'm looking forward to the next one. Just please don't screw it up Hollywood.

Planning Dept.

It seems I've spent parts of my life waiting for the next thing instead of going out and making it happen. Maybe that's not quite precise, I spent a lot of time watching and then waiting. When I was younger and more confused it seems I was more likely to take chances and just do something. Nowadays, I have to have a plan or something. Which isn't a good thing as I've never good about putting plans together. I can't think of very many things that have happened in my life according to or even with any kind of plan. Almost everytime I've been hired somewhere it was the first place I've I applied. Even coming here to Colorado and staying was more accident than planned. I never intended to stay more than two weeks and now it's eleven years later.

This seems to indicate to me that planning (in respect to myself) is overrated. Or at least not very helpful. Obviously there are situations where a plan is important for a successful outcome. Like spaceflight. Or a war (I'm going to stop right there). The closest thing I'd like to come to a plan for myself at this point is a plan to quit smoking cigarettes and sell my freakin' truck.

I suspect there are at least two kinds of people in this world. Some of them make plans and stick to them and others just kind of take the world at the randomness that is inherent in the universe, and then there are some people that are hybrids of the two. It seems that both methods seem to work. Maybe some better than others.

Anyway the only plan I have right now is to try and fall asleep soon.

Money. Part 2

Where Surly Monkey further explores the money/relationship connection. Or not.

It seems that money does dictate what kind of relationships (of the romantic variety) one can have. For myself I can see that one of the reasons I don't date is I just don't have the money to take women out so I don't even ask (obviously that's not the only reason, there is a whole list of insecurities I could rattle off but won't). But to not even have the money for a first date is definitely a drawback. Not to mention, like some commenters in the earlier post, as we get older stability is something all of us are looking for. Whether it be financial, emotional or mental stability we all (or should) move closer to that idea. At this point in my life I'm fine with the last two. Unfortunately, we exist in a world that sometimes the money aspect of stability can override other qualities.

In my own life, I tend to steer clear of those that seem to be obsessed with money. It strikes me as unseemly to have that as the one focus of life. There is more to life than the pursuit of wealth. Having said that, even I would like to have a little more financial assets at my disposal. I'm not really hoping for to much but a savings account would be nice or perhaps even some kind of retirement fund.

As far as the local face of this whole thing, there probably are a lot of women roughly my age around here who are looking for someone with more money than I have or earn. I guess that's fine, more power to them. I doubt rarely if ever I travel in the same circles as them. And I'm sure if I did, the moment they learn where I work, I'm immediately stricken from the potential list. Despite all of my cynicism, I still have some hope that I'll meet that one. Maybe it won't be here in Steamboat and that's fine too, as I don't want to spend my whole life here.

What am I going to do about it? Nothing. I'm going to try enjoy what I have and maybe try to slowly move myself up in life but there is no real point in forcing anything until I get a really good idea anyway.

Insomnia part 10

Here it is 3:30 on a school night and I can't sleep once again. I'm really beginning to think that the full moon has something to do with my insomnia (tonight is the full moon). And of course I didn't really drink anything but a glass of wine which is
nowhere near enough to lull me to sleep. Oh well, it's still slow over there at work and I don't have to be there until late.

I spend most of the day cleaning and reorganizing my room. I have a strong tendency to be a slob when it comes to my room so it's good that I'll have a clean one for the next couple of days at least.

In addition to not being able to sleep, I've been feeling really bored lately. The thing is I think I have a lot going on but I'm bored nonetheless. I can't seem to find something that takes all of my attention. And being bored leaves me with nothing to really say here so I just type to make words appear on the screen.

I'm going to try to sleep now.